Chapter 14 - Home

The next morning, Jason shoots awake from a nightmare but outside of the initial panic and rumbling heartbeat he almost feels too accustomed to, he's confused. His eyes are on the dresser on the opposite wall and it takes him a minute to process how he even got here. The last clear thing he remembers is choking and not being able to breathe because Crane drugged him. Jason sucks in a few breaths, brows pulling together as he shakes the nightmare away and tries to piece together details from last night.

It's all a little foggy and jumbled but he remembers being duct taped and Crane saying something about destroying the Titans and then Sam. Then he remembers the pump station, being tied up there. Then, he remembers Sam completely suited up and her hands on his cheeks, panic in her eyes.

Jason's heart thunders again, realizing it was her that brought him back here.

Sam came to find him.

His head feels like it's going to explode. A migraine is kicking in his skull as if it's armed with a battering ram. The more he tries to remember details, the more his head hurts but he tries away. And he looks down, realizing he's not in the Red Hood gear anymore but he has no memory of changing. Something about missing large pieces of time is scary and frustrating. So much could have happened and he just has no memory of it. And he's thinking something went wrong, maybe he did or said something because Sam isn't here and he knows what happened with them. But, if she showed up to save him, she wouldn't just leave unless she had a good reason. She'd always stay to make sure he were okay and then she'd probably tell him off and leave. But, she's not here.

What did he do now?

He puts his head in his hands, groaning loudly. His head starts to spin and his stomach cramps into knots. It twists and turns sending him into a nauseous spin. His bones feel wrong, like they want to vibrate out of his own skin and he feels sweaty but he's cold. He's frustrated and alone and devastated and going through withdrawal and everything sucks. He really had to go fuck it all up. Nothing was really all that bad, not compared to how it is now and he'd do anything to go back there. At this point, he might even take the paralyzing fear and panic attacks.

Jason sucks in a breath, lifting his head before he looks to the side of the mattress to try to will himself to get up but that's when he sees a piece of paper. He plucks it up, unfolding it.

"Kidnappers: 0You and me: 4             - Sam <3"

Jason's chest feels warm as a small smile starts to tug at his lips. Of all the things she could write in a note, it would be that. His eyes stay on the note and maybe she did have to go for another reason. If she were that mad at him, she wouldn't leave him a note, not this note anyway. So, Jason folds it into a small square and puts it into the pocket of his sweatpants before he wills himself to get up.

Jason makes his way down the large staircase as his head feels like it's wobbling. He knows withdrawal is tortuous. He knows that but he really didn't expect it to feel like this. As much as he tries to not think about it, the only thing he wants is the drug. It's the only thought that's coming through clear as day, taunting about how much better he'll feel if he just takes it. His head won't feel like it's exploding and he won't want to peal his skin off of his bones. The cramps will vanish and he won't feel the shaking in his hands anymore, just like old times. The back cramp will go away and his leg won't be in pain. Jason knows it's a bad idea, based on last night, but it's growing more and more tempting with every step he takes down the stairs.

"Wow, you look like shit."

Jason jumps as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, eyes shooting up to the bench in front of the end of the staircase. Sam is lying there, her phone above her face and her knees are bent, feet planted on the bench.

She didn't leave?

"Fuck you." Jason mutters, brows knitting together as he tries to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Why didn't she leave?

Sam glances back to him from the corner of her eyes and he does look terrible. The dark circles are back, more prominent than they were the other night. The light in his eyes is gone and he's really pale. He looks like he might actually be sick and she thinks his cheeks look a little more hollowed than they did before. His hair doesn't even have the same volume that it normally does and it breaks her heart.

He's going through it now and this time there actually might be nothing she can even offer to do to help. At least before, she could just offer to listen and be there for him. That was always something but this is different. He's just going to have to ride it out and she feels horrible for it.

Sam grins softly to herself, typing away at her screen before she sits up, planting her feet on the floor. "It's true." She shrugs her shoulders. She bends down, sliding a white box out from under the bench before she picks it up. "Got donuts, picked up a few of your favorites." Sam holds out the box for Jason but his stomach just twists at the thought of food.

"Not hungry." He nearly grimaces as he looks to his own shoes.

Sam nods, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, it's called withdrawal. You should eat anyway. You need some sugar, hence donut. Plus, dough is filling. It might help." Sam extends her arms further. "Eat."

Jason hesitates, looking to the right before he hangs his head, letting out a sigh and then walks over to her. Sam is one of the most persistent and persuasive people Jason has ever met and he is under no condition or mood to try and even argue with that. She'll win anyway. She always wins in some way. He sits beside her while Sam opens the box, giving him one of the four donuts that are left. Jason raises a brow, wondering if she's eaten.

"Here." Sam grabs a bottle of water from the side of the bench and hands that to him. "You also need some water."

Jason takes it from her slowly as he grows more and more confused. What the ever-living-fuck happened last night that he does not remember? The last thing he knew, they were not speaking. She might have rescued him but this is weird, even for her. Sam is sturdy in her beliefs and sturdy in her own words. She's being awfully nice and it's freaking Jason out. He's starting to think he might be running a fever and maybe this is all just a very vivid dream. She has no reason to be this nice to him at the moment.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sam questions, her brows furrowing together as Jason just looks at her as if she's some sort of math problem he can't figure out.

"What the fuck is going on?" Jason finally asks, looking at the donuts and then back to her.

Sam's heart skips a beat and she knew he'd be confused. That's a little bit of why she's doing it. A little bit of payback for the hell he's been putting her through. But, if she wanted to be brutally honest, the guilt of saying she was giving up him is eating at her from the inside out. It is one of the only things she thinks about because it doesn't matter than she didn't mean it because Jason thinks she does. Why wouldn't he? She literally said it out loud. And then he got kidnapped and drugged. Sam doesn't want to abandon him, drug or not. And last night she got to see a part of the old Jason she thought maybe didn't come back when he came back to life. She thought maybe, the pit kept a part of his soul. But, last night, he was him. Drugged and high, but him. The Jason she knows and loves. So, she's here, being nice and making sure he's eating and getting water because he should have someone in his corner anyway.

Last night, Dick said her and Gar did a good job and she suddenly understood Jason's entire motive. The weight of the world was placed on his shoulders by Bruce and made worse by being a replacement to Dick. That wasn't Dick's fault, but he could have done more. And it was never about having someone to help him lift the weight, it was always about Jason needing to find his own footing outside of the approval of who he looked up to most. That's just...a lot easier said than done. He needed the one person who gave him everything, not to abandon him but he did anyway. Sam understands his motive and she's thinking, abandonment is the worst possible option for him. It always was. And she should have known, because it was always the worst option for her, too.

Sam offers a cheeky smile, faking it entirely. "Is it freaking you out?"

"Yeah, kind of." Jason snips.

He's thinking he's either running a fever, he's hallucinating, he died again, or he's in some type of coma thanks to the drug Crane gave him. This whole thing just feels weird and the Sam he knows would be telling him off and calling him a shithead for getting himself into this mess and then immediately saying it wasn't actually his fault. Jason knows it is. But, Sam always tells him it's not. This time though, she's just offering him food as if nothing happened the last few days. He would love if they could just move on as if nothing happened, but the reality is that it did happen. Last night and the night before happened. Sam isn't nearly as forgiving as he is.

Sam lets out a laugh, leaning her head back. "Good."

She does not want him to know how worried she is about him or about her own guilt. He's already going to have a rough few days getting the drug out of his system and she doesn't want to make it any worse. At this point, the only thing she wants is for things to go back to some type of normal. She knows they have to talk and sort it out but she wants to feel normal, without all the weight, for just a few minutes even. She wants a break from everything. And Jason was always her safe haven when things got too heavy and too loud. He was always good at carrying the weight that didn't belong to him and blocking out the noise.

Jason's face drops but a smile slowly creeps onto his face. "Are you fucking with me?"

Sam snickers softly. "I mean, you do need food and water, but yeah." Sam nods her head. "I'm always fucking with you." Sam says softly as she rolls her shoulders.

Jason's entire chest starts to swarm with a vibrating warmth. "Fuck you." Jason quips, a gentle smile on his lips before he picks up a donut, eyeing it softly. The last thing he wants right now is food.

"Just eat it, Jay. It'll help." Sam says softly, seeing the hesitation on his face.

Jason shakes his head and he needs to do anything else and not eat, or at least try to distract himself to eat. He can't concentrate on much but he's curious enough as to why Sam is still here. She's fucking with him as usual, but he does not deserve her kindness or her trying to take care of him. He should be doing it on his own, after everything he did. To all of them. This isn't right. Yet, she's still somehow here.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Jason asks.

"No." Sam answers simply, swinging her feet slightly. "Gar came to bring me clothes so we went to get some food down the street real quick and got extra for you. Came right back though just in case you woke up." Sam explains, looking back to him with a soft smile.

Sam didn't want to go far. She didn't want Jason to think she would just up and leave again. It has to be different this time. Jason was an apologizing mess last night and being held captive is traumatic. Sam was never going to leave without making sure he was okay and seeing if he did want to have that conversation for real. It might be heavy but maybe it'll make things kind of, sort of, normal again. But, Gar insisted on breakfast and she wasn't going to disappoint him again.

"Why the fuck did you come anyway?" Jason asks before he finally gets the courage to take a bite of the donut. "You said not to contact you and shit."

He doesn't say it out of spite this time. He says it because it's true and as mad and as hurt as he was, he also gets it. Now that he's sober, he doesn't even blame her. He thinks she should have done that from the start, even if it's killing him on the inside. The last good thing about him was her and he destroyed every part of that. She doesn't deserve that but she's here anyway. Offering him food and acting normal. One of the things he always really liked about her is that he could never really figure her out.

Sam turns her full attention to him, her heart sinking with any hope of having that conversation today. If he doesn't remember anything, he doesn't remember what she said or her seeing his scars or helping him or him asking her to stay. It's not that Sam wants him to remember any of it. In her opinion, he's lucky not to remember most of it. Maybe he won't see it that way, but she does. Even if it doesn't quite work out for her.

"You don't remember much of last night, do you?" Sam asks and Jason shakes his head shamefully. "I'll always come find you." Sam says casually but her voice is just above a whisper. "You'd do it for me." Sam shrugs easily and her words make Jason look to her neck where he can see the silver peaking out from under her hoodie. "You, uh, you said to bring you here so I did. You asked me to stay so I did. You, uh, you....you were apologizing a lot so I said we could talk later if you still wanted to." Sam tugs her sleeves over her hands.

Jason nods his head, slowly making his way through his food with a few sips of water. That explains a lot actually. He isn't sure exactly what he was like last night, but he's imagining it wasn't too pretty if he had to ask her to stay. And maybe having a conversation is why she stayed, a sense of hope, maybe. If she's willing, he'd love to talk about it for once but his head also hurts and his spine feels like it wants to crack out of his back. The withdrawal is making it hard enough to even have this conversation with her. He thinks if they'll talk, it should be when he can actually participate properly. She deserves that much.

"Thanks for staying." Jason says quietly. "Don't fucking deserve." Jason lets out a scoff as he shakes his head.

Sam furrows her brows as she turns to face him, pulling her knee on the bench so the bottom of her shoe rests against her other leg off the bench. "You know, you should know by now that I think you deserve the world, Jay."

"Why?" Jason huffs and a part of him is getting pissed that she even thinks that. Does she not understand the gravity of the things he's done? "Look at what I've become!"

"It's not really you." Sam says softly. "And I know you know that." Sam nods her head quickly. "But you never thought you deserved better. I know shit gets bad for you and always has been. But, that shit never mattered to me. You did." Sam says and Jason thinks he just swallowed his own heart. Did? "Do." Sam states firmly. "You do. Anti-fear drug you isn't the real you."

Maybe the anti-fear drug version of him isn't really him but Robin wasn't either. Living in a fancy mansion with money and everything he could have wanted. Following directly behind Bruce and Dick, trying to fill their shoes when their viewpoints are so wildly different. Bruce can try all he wants but Batman was born from vengeance. He got to go home to a cave underneath his fancy mansion with all of his tech Jason couldn't even dream of touching before. Bruce was raised by a fucking butler that was still on Bruce's payroll. Batman was born because Bruce's rich parents were killed in cold blood. And Bruce had all of the means to make Batman happen. That's great, Jason fully believes that's great, but it's different.

Bruce didn't see the dealers or sex workers or the pimps or addicts or traffickers in the flesh. Bruce didn't see that some of those people "breaking the law" were just doing what they had to do to survive because the system was never meant to help them. Jason might have some resentment towards his dad for everything, but he also knows his dad was trying because job after job didn't work out like it should have. He was down and out, but he tried. He was an asshole and he was abusive, but maybe some of how he ended up like that was circumstances. It doesn't make it right, but maybe that's part of it. Jason understands his dad was trying to provide in some way and it turned him into an abusive prick and then it got him killed.

Jason knows his mom's addiction didn't help and it didn't make her the best mom. But, he also knows that that was her way of trying to provide because she used to use to function and the addiction set in. She took them to survive in her own way. His uncle drank to survive. That's how it is sometimes. And that's what he saw, everyday, and not just from his own family. It's what he knew and he also grew up knowing, no one is going to help them. Not even Batman. They are on their own.

Jason grew up knowing sometimes people do "bad" things in order to survive and provide, but Bruce never saw that first hand so his morals on Batman are entirely skewed and bias for the sake of upholding the law and putting "bad people" away. But, Jason's views were always landing in a grey area that not all "bad people" are actually bad and deserve to be thrown away. Robin gave him magic but he also had to give up some of his own morals and beliefs in order to wear the cape and mask.

Robin was never really him, either.

"Robin wasn't the real me either." Jason scoffs.

Sam's eyes narrow softly at him because it's such an odd comment coming from him. Robin was everything to him before and maybe she does get it. It got him killed, it's different now. There's a lot of bad blood stained over Robin but...she doesn't entirely think that's true.

"That's not true. The whole, mansion shit, yeah." Sam laughs softly. "But, wanting to be the voice for people who get left behind? Yeah, that's still you, Jay." Sam shrugs her shoulders. "You always liked kicking ass, people who deserve it because they did something wrong. Not because you like to fight. I mean, you're argumentative as fuck, but physically violent, not so much. It's a misconception that you play into because it's easier than letting people see the real you or whatever. Robin let you be this hero and you had to roll with Batman and shit, but...you got to help people." "Like me." Sam clears her throat. "That's you." Sam offers a soft nod at him, chewing the inside of her cheek.

As far as Jason can see, he's never really helped her. Not really. He thinks he's only made everything worse. Between getting kidnapped and making her lose sleep and dying and now everything else. He's pretty sure she was always better off without him. How the hell does she think he actually helped her?

"How the fuck do you figure I helped you?" Jason shakes his head and he definitely is not well enough to be having this conversation.

Sam thinks of every way Jason has saved her life, some of the times a little too dark to share with him at the moment. But, she thinks about them and she thinks about all the other times where he's helped her, even with small stuff like getting something down from a cabinet. She's never told him but she thinks one of the reasons she is who she is today is because of him. 

Sam pulls the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands. "I felt like maybe the stuff with Jerry was my fault. Spent a lot of time thinking that but...one of the first things you told me was that he was a piece of shit and I didn't deserve it. You didn't even know me. But, it helped and you never made me feel like what happened to me was ever my fault. And uh, you trained me so I wouldn't be scared to leave the tower. Maybe the knives is a thing...or maybe it's because you trained me. Sparred with Gar the other day, I still won. Because you trained me." Sam sucks in a shaky breath, pausing softly. "Um...and I just...I'm alive today because of you." Sam nods at him once, seeing Jason's face wanting to twist to question it. "So, maybe Robin wasn't completely the real you, but Robin was enough of the real you. You put yourself into Robin. And you can put yourself into Red Hood. Without Bruce. Without Batman." Sam rushes her words, making sure Jason can't get a word in. "So, I guess, I'm just saying that you always deserve better, even if you don't believe me. And I just hope you understand that one day, Jay."

"Why didn't you ever tell me any of that before?" Jason asks, turning to match Sam's position as his right shin touches hers.

Truthfully, it all seemed too honest. A little too scary to tell him what kind of impact he had on her.It's more than that, there's more she hasn't told him as a way to protect herself and maybe even him. Sam always felt if she told him those things, maybe it'd change. Maybe it would change how he viewed her and maybe it would change how she felt he viewed her. Maybe he'd feel some sort of obligation and Sam hates when people feel obligated to her for something. She should know Jason never does something for someone strictly out of obligation, but she feared it anyway. And if she told him, what happens when he doesn't come home?

Saying everything out loud makes it real. And he didn't come home anyway.

Sam shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know." Sam keeps her thoughts to herself, knowing if she thinks too much about everything, the tears will start again. "Uh...I'll always stay if you ask me to." Sam nods her head softly.

Jason watches her carefully and he could always tell when there was more on her mind but it looks like it is physically paining her to even talk about it. The guilt starts to take over and Jason wants her to not be in pain anymore. He'll take it if that's what he has to do, he doesn't care anymore.

"You really shouldn't." Jason nearly mutters the words.

She knows him better than anyone and that was always what he feared. She knows him better than anyone which means he's more susceptible to getting hurt. He's already hurt himself enough for the both of them but then everything with Excellent Gotham happened and now she's the one torn between him and everyone else. He's hurt because she's hurt and that's all this is turning into.

Maybe a small part of him regrets the two of them, as thankful as he is she's here. As much as he appreciates her company and her kindness, he has crossed the line and maybe had they never gotten together, she wouldn't be the one in pain. Maybe had they not gotten together, this whole thing would be easier for him. He wouldn't feel like he let another person down and pushed them to their very brink of existence. He wouldn't feel like he exposed himself too much to the elements. He'd still feel safe in his bubble of self-destruction and self-hatred. It wouldn't hurt her.

She's too good anyway.

So, he pushes out of some painful mix of self-preservation and self-destruction.

"You know, uh, I think about that...night with Deathstroke." Sam swallows thickly. "Not...not the kidnapping so much anymore but...after." Sam stresses, looking to herr leg and picking at the hem of her pants. "In the bathroom and I don't know. You pushed and gave me every reason to, uh, to run like I usually do and I know...we did do what we do best in the end but...not...ya know?" Sam shakes her head, looking back at him. "You pushed and I stood there anyway and told you that you matter to me. And it was like...the first time I ever felt like I could stay...if you'd have me."

Jason's heart starts to ache from inside of his chest like he's just been stabbed. Did he make her feel unwanted? That was never it. He was just scared and pushing always seemed easier and she never put up a fight about it. He thought they were on the same page of pushing and running. They did it until they couldn't. The risk of everything they ever feared didn't seem to matter anymore so they both decided to stay and Jason can't decide if that was for better or worse. But, he's looking at the distant look in her eyes and he's thinking maybe it was for the worse for her. She always made him better.

"Even as a friend. Like I said, I agreed with you and we did what we do best." Sam shakes her head. "And you did." Sam nods her head. "You showed up to my room the next night and I just..." Sam sucks in a deep breath, looking up to the ceiling and back to him. "I knew I could stay. I didn't have to run from you." Sam tugs her sleeves over her hands. "So, um...I know you want to," Sam nods her head with understanding but her heart is breaking with every second that passes. "But, can...can you please not push me away this time? Please, Jay." Sam offers him a sad and weak smile as the lump in her throat starts to grow. "I know things are complicated right now but you're my best friend and I really miss you." Sam's voice cracks as water starts to brim her eyes.

Even after everything, she has a way of getting him to cave. Pushing has always been his best defense mechanism. It has always worked and it has always been easy. It has always hurt him, which was fine because at least it was self-inflicted. But, she makes the whole thing hard because it doesn't just hurt him. It hurts her, too. And Jason knows how badly it hurt when she left. Maybe part of making amends is letting go of bad coping mechanisms. Maybe it's doing things that hurt and are scary. He does love her and he does miss her, too. He's tired of being alone and he's tired of being in pain. And he's tired of putting her through pain. So, he nods.

"I miss you, too." Jason's voice is rough and low but honest and sincere, earning him an almost relieved sigh from Sam. "I just fucked everything up this time." Jason says quietly. "Really fucked it up." Jason nods. "With you and the Titans. How the fuck do I come back from that?"

"You apologize and get clean." Sam shrugs. "I mean, I'm the only one who really understands it so you just...have to try."

"That's it? I try and they welcome me back with open arms?" Jason scoffs at the thought. It's never that easy. "That's bullshit and you know it."

"I mean, I'm still welcome to be a Titan and I'm killing people. All of you almost killed Gar." Sam nods her head quickly. "So, they have to welcome you back because otherwise they're just hypocrites." Sam offers him a cheeky smile. "You just have to try, Jay. And if that doesn't work, then fuck em." Sam shrugs her shoulders sarcastically. "You still got me and you got Gar." A genuine smile comes to Sam's lips as she rests her hand on top of his.

Jason thinks the simple act alone just lit his entire body on fire so he smiles back, subtle but there. "Yeah, alright." Jason manages a soft chuckle as he shakes his head. "When are you going back?" Jason asks softly, not really wanting her to leave.

"Oh...uh, well, you were just drugged so I thought...I'd hang around if that's okay." Sam chews the inside of her cheek as she pulls her hand back into her lap.

Liar.

"What the fuck is going on with you?" Jason asks bluntly. "Don't pull that bullshit about how you're just worried about me or whatever. Something's going on." Jason can always tell when she's lying and he swears part of that is because she almost never does.

Sam chews the inside of her cheek and he's right, something in going on. She's been thinking a lot about how she finally understands it. The whole Bruce and Dick thing. She finally gets it and she actually hates it. Of course, understanding Jason is always nice but she hates that she feels that way. Every day since she has watched Jason deteriorate over Robin, she swore she would never be like him or Dick and yet here she is. In the same damn position. And she won't let that happen. And the more she sits and the more she thinks about it, the more she wonders if the reason she threw in the towel over Jason is because of her obligation to the Titans.

She has a bigger obligation to Jason and herself but maybe that played a little bit of hand. Maybe her loyalty runs a little deeper than she thought because Dick saved her life and brought her into this world. But, she doesn't want that. Something has to fucking give and she's not sacrificing her views or her morals anymore. Maybe it'll be for the better and maybe it'll be for the worse, but at least she knows she's doing something she can live with. At least she's doing it because it's what she believes in.

She is also still a little mad that Dick was willing to sacrifice Jason if last wasn't a trap and Crane went off the deep end. There is still that.

"I am, uh, mad at Dick. Shocker, I know." Sam scrunches her nose before rolling her eyes. "But, um...he said we did a good job last night and I just...felt so validated and I hated that. Because it was more than just being validated, it was being validated by him. And he said it could have been a trap and he's right but he didn't fucking stop me from going. It could have been a trap and I could have been killed, blah blah blah, right? Well, he let me fucking go alone. He didn't pressure Gar for information. So, I just...I don't wanna go there. It doesn't even feel like home anymore fucking anyway. So...yeah." Sam rushes her words, trying to play it off because she doesn't particularly want to talk about it.

"So...you're mad at Dick so you're just...switching sides?" Jason questions, not really sure he understands why she would do that. "And what the hell would you have done if it were a trap? Hate fucking saying it, but he's kind of right." Jason nearly grimaces at the thought of agreeing with Dick, but it could have been a trap for the Titans. Sam had no way of knowing otherwise.

"Was I ever really not on your side?" Sam quips. "No, it's..." Sam sucks in a breath and she shrugs her shoulders. "I know that if you stay off of the drug then you're you again. That's where I want to stand and I want to be here when you are clean. You're where I always want to be." Sam nearly whispers. "And, if it were a trap, I knew that if I showed up, you'd do everything in your power to get me out of there. It would never be a trap for me, just the Titans. So, I wasn't worried. I know Excellent Gotham was an accident. Shit happens, but I'm almost always safe with you and I know that." Sam offers a soft but closed smile. "You and me."

Jason pauses and he thinks back to the day he walked onto the roof. He thinks he's starting to feel that way again. Worthless, useless, damaged, broken, unloved, unworthy, filled of poison. Everything comes back to him. But, he's sitting next to Sam and he also remembers her that day.

She was the only one that stood up for him and she was the only one who came out to the roof to try to talk him down. She's always the only one, if he has no one else, he has her. And he remembers her literally telling him that if she's alive, he'll never have to be alone. She broke up with him and he's still not alone. Maybe she's crazy for it but Jason knows in order for her to still be with him, in any context, she's having to sacrifice a lot. In order to make sure she keeps that promise to him, she's the one sacrificing herself and her friends. For some reason, she believes in him so maybe it's time Jason takes a step back and starts sacrificing, too and believing in himself. If she can, he owes it to her to try, too. It's supposed to be him and her.

"I'm still really sorry for that." Jason lets out a breath. "But, next time, can you bring someone with you in case it is a trap?" Jason lets out a soft laugh. "I'd never let some shit happen to you but, just in case." Jason nods head quickly, the white streak flopping around slightly.

Sam lets out a laugh as she looks down and then back to him. "Yeah, okay because you asked so nicely." Sam says sarcastically.

Jason shakes his head but his chest is starting to feel a little better. "I'm gonna make it up to you, alright?" Jason says sternly. "Don't know how yet, but I'm going to. I fucking owe you."

Sam offers a soft smile. "I expect a lot of homecooked meals and for you to drive me around." Sam nods as a cheeky smile starts to come to her face.

Jason lets out a soft laugh, tilting his head down before he looks back her. "I'm not your personal fucking chef or your chauffeur."

"Could be so fun, Jay." Sam's eyes widen as she shakes her head teasingly at him. "Um..." Sam's brows furrow. "Withdrawal sucks and I know you know that. So, um...if you want to go to Crane and try to get one or two inhalers so you can ween yourself off instead of cold turkey, I get it." Sam nods her head. "Um...I mean, I can help if you want."

Jason nearly does a double-take. "This whole time you've been telling me to get off of it and now you're telling me you'll help me take it?"

"I also don't want you miserable." Sam states. "I can like hide the inhalers for you and monitor when you get more."

Jason pauses for a second and maybe it's a bad idea. The drug makes him a skeleton of who he really is but this is torture, just sitting here. He's not really sure how he's supposed to deal with feeling like this for days or maybe weeks. He doesn't know how long this withdrawal is going to last. All he knows is that it is fucking exhausting and painful. But, maybe if Sam can help, he won't fall back into Crane's hands. If she's willing to stay, he can try.

"Yeah, then I'll be fucking done with his psycho ass." Jason clears his throat. "Feel like fucking shit." Jason scoffs. "Meet back here then?"

Sam nods her head softly. "Yeah, I gotta get back and let Gar know what's going on, I guess deal with Dick. Blah blah blah." Sam laughs softly. "Just...text me if something happens." Sam gets to her feet. "Don't do anything fucking stupid until I get back."

"Don't do anything fucking stupid while you're gone." Jason quips. "Ya know, like using the R blades to kill some fuck."

Sam gains a cheeky smile. "Hey, you're still wearing a bat symbol." Sam points at him. "I'm just being an asshole, just like you. Learned from the best, bAbE." Sam snarks right back at him as she watches him gain that half-cocked, toothy smirk that always made her feel alive. "I'll be back and try not to take it until I get back." Sam nods once at him, keeping her own smirk before she turns on her heels and heads for the exit.

Sam heads back to the manor, knowing Dick and Kory will want to know where Jason and Crane are. If she were being honest, she's surprised Gar has been able to keep it a secret. She knows it's a very big ask for him not to tell Dick where or the password into the tablet which she had Gar bring her when he came by just to be sure Dick didn't get into it while Gar was gone. Letting them know where Crane is, is all fine and well, the issue comes to Jason.

While Sam appreciates that Dick thinks her and Gar did a good job, there is still a bitterness hugging her chest about the whole thing. It shouldn't have been up to her. She said she was done and she should have been able to be done but not when no one else is going to do something. Sam knows she never would have taken a backseat anyway, not with Jason being kidnapped and held hostage, but it should have been an option. Jason was in trouble and it was Dick's responsibility to do something about it. She doesn't know where Dick's head is with Jason now so the last thing she wants is for him to know where Jason is hiding out and where Crane is. The last thing she wants to do is even work side-by-side with him anymore and if she were a worse person, she'd just kill Crane now and get it all over with. Dick could deal with the cleanup if there is any to be had.

Sam stops right into her room as soon as she gets to the manor. If she's going to help Jason and she's going to stand beside him, she wants to be physically there. If she's ditching the Titans, then staying here isn't really an option. So, she packs a bag with clothes and a charger for her phone before stopping by Jason's room and picking a few of his favorite pieces of clothes and books. Once she has everything she needs, she makes her way to the Batcave to grab the case for her suit and extra knives and blades.

Dick, Kory, and Gar are all in the Batcave when Sam makes her way down there. They're surrounded by the Batcomputer, coming as no surprise to Sam. But, then they all turn around, eyes landing on her and she tugs her backpack harder over her shoulder.

"Yes?" Sam asks softly.

"How is he?" Gar asks, hope in his eyes as he spins in his chair and gets to his feet.

"Going through withdrawal, looks like shit." Sam huffs before sucking in a breath. "Got him to eat a little bit though." Sam offers a soft smile.

"Does that mean he's done?" Dick questions.

"Done with the drug, Crane, or Red Hood? Because I'm thinking those are three different answers." Sam quips, holding a bit of snark in her voice."

"All three." Dick's voice grows defensive and she was fine last night. Suddenly, she hangs out with Jason for one night and she has an attitude again? Seriously?

"No, yes, and probably not. Didn't talk about Red Hood."

"Wait, he's gonna keep taking it?!" Gar practically yells in confusion.

"No." Sam answers simply, shaking her head. "He's just getting a few more inhalers so he can ween off it instead of cold turkey. Withdrawal is bad enough." Sam looks to Dick who looks like he's about to have a stroke. "It was my idea if that helps."

"What?!" Kory and Gar yell at the same time.

"Why would you encourage him to keep taking it?" Dick grabs the bridge of his nose and he's thinking Sam should have come with migraine medication when he found her in the alley.

"Because quitting some drugs cold turkey can kill you and I don't know if Crane's drug falls into that category or not and neither does he. I'd rather we not find out the hard way." Sam answers simply, rolling her shoulders.

Gar finally notices the backpack and his heart starts to sink. He's really hoping she's just bringing Jason some of his stuff and she's not leaving. They've already lost so many people, he doesn't want someone else walking out on them. He knows it has to be really hard for her, but it's hard for everyone.

"Why do you have a backpack?" Gar asks cautiously.

Sam tugs in over her shoulder a bit more. "Um...I'm gonna stay with Jason for a bit." Sam chews the inside of her cheek. "I promise, I was not leaving without telling you. I'm just trying to make sure he's gonna be alright." Sam rolls her shoulders and a part of her almost offers to let him come with.

It could be just the three of them again but Sam would never put Gar in a position where he feels like he has to choose between them and the Titans. Inviting him, feels like it would put him in that position. And she has no idea what Jason would think of it anyway so she bites it back.

"Are you sure?" Gar asks.

Sam nods her head softly and she doesn't want Gar in the middle of her annoyance with Dick. She knows she'll get over it eventually anyway. "Yeah, maybe I can get something out of him anyway, about if Crane is planning something big and if so, what." Sam plays it off, realizing this does give her that opportunity.

Dick nods once. "You could just tell us where he's hiding out and where Crane is." Dick states simply.

"No." Sam shakes her head as she starts walking over towards the display case where her suit is still in the suitcase beside it.

Dick turns to face her, annoyance written on his face."Excuse me?"

"I said no." Sam says simply. "If you want to argue about it, argue with yourself cause I'm not anymore." Sam shrugs her shoulders.

Dick sucks in a breath and he can't believe they're really doing this again. "Fine, can we speak privately?" Dick asks.

"Come on, Gar." Kory walks up to Gar, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go find Conner and Blackfire." Kory offers a soft smile before they walk off.

Sam grabs the suitcase, walking back towards Dick and then past him. She's ready to get out of here and she knows this is going to cause more problems than it's maybe worth. But, at the end of the day, she swore she'd protect Jason at all costs. Too many people left him exposed to the elements, and she's not going to do that. Dick had his chance to help, too and he left the both of them in the pouring rain and wonders why they're feeling abandoned.

"I thought you were on our side." Dick shakes his head. "What's going on? Did something happen?" Dick asks, this time his voice sounding a little bit more concerned and Sam almost feels guilty.

"Dude, come on." Sam scoffs. "I'm on whatever side gets Jason home and safe. You should know that. Nothing happened I just...." Sam shakes her head. "You could have fucking helped last night and you didn't. For all we knew, Crane could have lost his shit and was gonna kill him."

"But that didn't happen." Dick states. "You said last night he was just tied to a chair and you got him out of there. You and Gar worked together and you both did a good job last night. You didn't need help."

"It's not about if I needed it!" Sam yells in desperation. "I fucking found his body! Do you really think I'm just fucking fine with that now that he's alive? Do you really think I want to find him like that again? On my fucking own? That's what you set me up to do last night. Yeah, he was 'just' tied to a chair, but I also know that fucks with your head, too. He's your brother who need fucking help but the only people who are willing at all costs are Gar and me. So, no." Sam shakes her head. "I'm not gonna tell you until I know he's safe. You can figure it out and I'll talk to him anyway. But, I'm not telling you." Sam looks to the right and then back to Dick. "Did you ever think that he just needs you to show up for him and not out of obligation? Bruce isn't here and this wasn't your fault like Deathstroke. Jason Todd is not hard to figure out."

Dick hangs his head for a second, realizing maybe Sam makes a good point. She shouldn't have had to be the one to go alone. But, Dick didn't even think of the possibility that Jason could have been in real danger. He didn't think of what would happen if he was and Sam was the one to find him again. Dick's realizing maybe, just maybe, Crane might have had a point a few days ago. Maybe he did abandon Jason.

"I'm sorry." Dick admits, catching Sam off-guard. "You're right. It shouldn't have been up to and I didn't think about that." Dick looks to the ground and back to her. "We've all been under a lot of stress lately and we've all been through a lot. This is hard for you. We all just want this to be over."

"Thank...you?" Sam questions, a little confused where this version of Dick is coming from. "Look, I think any risk is worth saving him. Last night, though, you made me think that isn't the case for you. So, I can't tell you in order to protect him. But, I'll try to get information about Crane anyway and tell you." Sam nods her head, swallowing her own pride. "I still want Crane dead and you want him brought in, so we're on the same side there." Sam starts to walk towards the stairs. "Anything else or...can I go?" Sam asks, feeling, for some reason, obligated to.

"You can go." Dick lets out a sigh. "At least keep up with Gar, he's worried about the two of you." Dick warns, having to suck up his pride, too and put some trust into Sam this time. Sam offers him a closed-mouth smile before giving him a thumbs up and heading back upstairs.

Jason is making his way to the pump station where Crane is setting up for their next steps and his teeth grind while his heart races. He swears he has to be running a fever with his head feeling warm, heavy, and cloudy. He isn't sweating but something about his skin feels like it's almost been dunked into a pit of oil and it makes his skin crawl. There's an ache in his back that isn't painful but isn't uncomfortable like it's on the verge of a paralyzing cramp that just won't come. His hands are starting to shake and the only thing he wants is the damn drug.

There's a bit of worry in thinking about the drug though. He can't be who he has been over the last week. He cannot go back to that but he is desperate and scared. Everything is in agony and the guilt is starting to weigh his feet down. The regret feels like cinderblocks resting on his heart. He's scared he won't be able to stop and he's scared if he goes right back to the drug, Crane will get him right back under his wing. He finds himself thinking maybe that's why Sam offered to help anyway. So, Crane couldn't manipulate him anymore. If the only person he's talking to is Sam while he's high, then he doesn't have too much to worry about. She's not going to manipulate him into killing innocent people. That's all Crane. So, he sucks up his fear and walks right in, ready to nearly demand the drug from Crane.

Crane has a jackhammer in hand, trying to get through the concrete on the floor. Jason watches him with more aggravation starting to flood into his system. Jason walked in with a mission, sights set on getting one or two inhalers and that's it. But, he's standing her and all he wants to do is scream. The anger side of withdrawal is peaking through and he's thinking he's going to finally snap if Crane doesn't hand over an inhaler. The jackhammer is making the headache worse and the shaking starts to intensify. He doesn't really care about anything else as desperation starts to take over.

"I need more!" Jason yells over the sound of the jackhammer. He thinks his head might explode if Crane doesn't knock it off.

Crane stops and rests the jackhammer on the ground before looking up to Jason. He gains a delighted smile as he walks closer to Jason, stretching his arms out to his sides.

"You're back." Crane says before gesturing his arms inward. "Come on, bring it in."

The last thing Jason wants to do is hug him. This insane psychopath kidnapped him, drugged, and held him hostage. Jason's ex-girlfriend had to rescue him. And Crane thinks Jason wants to not only be around him but hug him? He's lost his fucking mind.

"I need another inhaler, Crane." Jason demands, keeping his footing a few feet away from Crane.

"Well," Crane starts as he plops his arms back to his sides. "You're gonna have to cook it yourself. I'm fresh out." Crane states as he goes to turn around.

Jason's heart plummets and he's desperate for more. Crane just can't be out. He's the one that's been having cooks make it. How the fuck is he out? He can't just be out. So, Jason starts walking closer, spotting a large drum barrel.

"What about that?" Jason points to it.

"That...is too concentrated." Crane states. "Deadly in its uncut form."

Jason can feel himself growing more and more aggravated and panicked. It's more than just the fear creeping in but instead, it's the fear of withdrawal and the idea of never having the drug again. That's what he's starting to panic about. He knows he's getting off of it. He has to if he wants to get some part of his life back. Crane isn't stable and while he's helped him this far, last night happened. Jason needs to get off the drug but he really doesn't want to do it cold turkey. This is literal hell right now.

"This is a fuck show." Jason lets out an annoyed sigh as he starts walking closer to Crane to pass by him and leave.

"Jay." Crane states but it's more in a warning tone. Jason wants to combust, the nickname sending the anger from the withdrawal into a spin. No one calls him that. "Jaydog." Crane lifts his voice this time as Jason turns around to face him. "Take heart, my friend. We are just a few swift strokes away from the sweetest comeback the world has ever seen." Crane leans over on the jackhammer, a menacing look in his eye. "I mean, they're gonna make a biopic about us. How we met, our ups, our downs..."

"How the Titans wiped us out?" Jason cuts him off knowing the Titans are coming after them and Crane doesn't seem to be much help.

Sam can say whatever she wants but right now, he's still being targeted by the Titans because he's spent the last week targeting them. Jason doesn't think for a second he can come back from that. That's why Sam is suddenly with him through this. A barrier against the Titans.

"Do you remember why we're here?" Crane asks.

"The details are hazy, Crane. You zombified me, remember that?" Jason quips back and that part is biting at the back of his head.

Crane didn't have to do it but he did it anyway. He drugged him, held him hostage, then kidnapped him and brought him here. He didn't even offer a good explanation. But, Jason falls back on him stealing the inhalers from Crane and maybe he deserved some part of it.

"I do remember." Crane states simply as he furrows his brows. "Well, um, quick refresher course. So, this pump station is perched directly above Courtland Valve station, which controls all of the water supply for all of Gotham., I take my little friends there and I dump it into the water supply and..." Crane states as he fires up the jackhammer again but as he does, he loses control and it goes sputtering to the floor.

Jason bursts out laughing, enjoying the look of shock on Crane's face but his laughter starts to die down when Crane also starts laughing. Something about the look he gives Jason and the way he laughs, it almost reminds of him Dr. Light when Jason had him pinned. When Deathstroke held a sword to Sam's face. And suddenly, he's worried again.

"You think that's funny?" Crane asks through his laughter. "Just wait until you see what we're gonna do to Gotham when we're done here." Crane says as he circles around Jason, standing behind him and wrapping an arm around his neck as he chuckles. "Gotham is going to destroy itself." Crane boasts as he walks back over to his place by the jackhammer. "House by house, family by family." Crane laughs and Jason doesn't want that.

It was never supposed to be about destroying Gotham. It was about protecting Gotham. Doing the things Bruce would never do and couldn't do and refused to do. It was about actually taking care of the people in the city who aren't on Bruce's radar, the people who get left behind by the GCPD. It was supposed to be about them, not this. This isn't what Jason wanted to do.

"This plan is a fucking joke, Crane." Jason states. "And so are you."

"Me?" Crane questions and Jason thinks he might sound a little hurt. "But I reached over to the other side, dragged you back to the living..." Crane states and Sam was the one who said Crane was using him. Maybe she's right.

Up until this moment, Jason thought that couldn't be true. Why would Crane use him? Crane's been telling him this whole time he cares about him and he wants to help him in the way Bruce and Dick refused to help and couldn't help. They could be a team, better than Batman. But, if Crane wasn't really using him, why would he bring up bringing him back from the dead? Which Jason never fucking asked for anyway.

"So you could use me." Jason states a sort of venom in his voice.

"Yes, so I could use you." Crane answers nonchalantly as if Jason should have known the answer.

And Jason's heart sinks further. It was never about helping him. It was about helping Crane help himself. Sam was the one who was right this time. Crane has been using him this whole time. Jason's been a pawn in his game and it stings. It's the same story over and over. Jason gives him all to someone and something and it all ends up backfiring, they use him and throw him away like he's trash. Just like this.

"Life is transactional, my dear boy." Crane states. "Well, I gave you life. You gave me secrets about Batman and Dick Grayson and Sam Carter, and uh, what was his name? Hank?"

Jason has had it. Today is not the day to mess with him and Crane bringing up him betraying everyone for him is setting him off. It never should have had to be transactional. Yes, Jason should have known better. He knew the exchange was secrets for the formula. It was the drug and then they'd work together. Jason knew that part of it but he didn't think his life was a part of that transaction. He doesn't want his damn life to be transactional. He doesn't want to sell himself for a drug and secrets and the destruction of Gotham and the Titans. That's not who he is and that's not who he wants to be. On top of that, Jason's sick and tired of Crane thinking he can just bring up his one line and get off. She was always supposed to be off limits anyway and everything is sending Jason right over the edge.

Jason grabs Crane by the collar and spins them around, slamming Crane's back against a few boxes as he holds him there. He's done working with Crane and letting Crane think he's the one running the show. Jason is not going to be his pawn anymore. If he wants to take down Gotham, that's on him. Not Jason.

"I'm done telling secrets!" Jason yells, jaw clenched and knuckles turning white. "Done being fucking used!" Jason yells as he punches Crane in the face twice and then lets him go.

Crane looks up at him, something menacing and bored in his eyes. "You done?" He asks as he spits blood onto the ground.

"Almost." Jason states plainly. "Bring her up again and I'll fucking kill you." Jason says harshly, his jaw squarely and a burning hatred washing over his usually bright eyes. Crane opens his mouth to say something but Jason moves forward and uses most of his strength to take another hit to Crane's face, this time the hit is enough to knock him unconscious. "Now, I'm done." Jason says as he leaves Crane on the ground and heads out, desperate to find something that's going to take the edge off of everything that's clouding him right now.

He's supposed to meet back up with Sam, but at this point, he's not sure he can stomach it. In the moment, it seemed fine. t was nice not to be alone and to not feel so alone. But, right now, it's as if he swears it's the only thing he really deserves with the withdrawal kicking in full force. Sam will try to make it all better and he knows for a fact he doesn't deserve for it to be better again. He needs to figure out what he's going to do and how. How he's going to come back from everything. Sam just said he had to try but he doesn't know how to try. What he's become goes against everything that's been engrained into him over the last few years.

Bruce swore killing was wrong and using excessive force was wrong. But, now Jason is the one with guns killing people and decapitating them just for extra threatening measure. Maybe he didn't always agree with Bruce's point of view but that's what a hero, a vigilante, Robin was supposed to do. Not kill. Not use excessive force. There was one way and one way only. Jason was murdered anyway and he thinks maybe, this isn't all wrong because it is for the greater good of Gotham. But, it haunts him anyway because of how he got here, what led him here. He was murdered and Bruce couldn't kill the Joker for him and his death was preventable. His death was preventable in every way but he died anyway. He's the one left with those physical and mental scars, not Bruce.

Jason thinks it's different when death happens to you. But, Jason didn't go after Two-Face. He didn't go after Mr. Freeze or Penguin or Baine or the Riddler. Jason went after the drug side because of Crane. Maybe he would have done it anyway, but it was because of Crane so Crane could run his own drugs without them getting in the way. It wasn't about protecting people. It was about distribution. So, he thinks about his younger self. The younger self that took care of his mom and didn't entirely hate his dad for everything. And he wonders how much his younger self would hate who he's become.

His younger self would hate the killing and the drugs and the betrayal. He'd hate turning from a hero to a villain and he'd hate how he went and fucked up such a good thing with so many people. Sure, the Titans weren't always nice or understanding, but they had smoothed things out. And things did feel okay with them. And he was safe and warm and healthy and he had someone, he had people, who cared about him and tried their best to take care of him, something his younger self would have loved to have even if he never admitted it. Jason could have had it all but it was just wasn't enough. He was selfish and entitled and impatient, just like Dick and Bruce said. He was hard-headed and stubborn. It got him killed and it got him put in this position and he thinks his younger self might think he were better off staying dead.

Maybe he would be.

So, he digs out of his phone and sends a quick text to Sam. And then he waits.

An hour later, Jason sees Sam walking towards him as snow starts to fall from the gloomy sky. He swallows the lump in his throat as she gets closer. She offers him a soft smile, hands dug deep into her pocket once she closes the distance between them.

"You know it's freezing, right?" Sam quips, seeing her breath in the space between them.

He didn't say much in the text. It was just that he didn't want to sit around the hideout and he needed to be out. He followed that text asking if she'd want to walk with him for a while. 

"Yeah, and I'm still fucking sweating." Jason rolls his shoulders, shaking his head.

"Ew." Sam laughs softly. Jason's eyes narrow at her as she shrugs, a gentle smile on her lips. "Thanks for texting me." Sam nods her head once.

If she were being honest, she's surprised he did. A very large part of her expected him to not come back to his hideout and avoid her. She really would understand if he did at this point. It has to be really difficult for him, especially coming down from both the anti-fear drug and whatever Crane gave him last night. But, she's really glad he texted anyway.

Jason lets out a breath, a cloud leaving his lips from the cold air. "Thanks for coming." Jason nods.

"What'd Crane say?" Sam asks hesitantly, seeing the brown paper bag in his right hand.

"That he's fresh out." Jason scoffs. "Load of shit, obviously."

"What a piece of shit." Sam scoffs right back. "He fucking sucks." Sam rolls her eyes, split between worried something bad is going to come from cold turkey withdrawal and relieved the risk of him falling back into Crane's hands is gone.

"Yeah." Jason nods his head in agreement before the two of them start walking with no destination in mind.

"He say anything else?" Sam asks.

Jason bites back the pain in his chest and the burning of his eyes with her words. It's a harsh reminder that he was never brought back because he was wanted. He wasn't brought back because he was loved and cared about. He was brought back to be used and it was all always conditional. There were conditions to his life. His own breath was traded for secrets and death and betrayal. How can he live knowing his life is now tainted with innocent blood?

"Yeah." Jason gets a distant look in his eyes as he brings the covered bottle to his lips and takes a drink.

"Which was...?" Sam asks softly, almost afraid of what Crane could have said.

"That he was using me the whole time." Jason spits the words out and Sam swears she can see his eyes start to water against the city streetlights. "You were right."

"For the record, I really wish I weren't." Sam scoffs. "What? He just he was using you...just like that?" Sam questions and she knows Crane is a prick and he uses people. But, Jason really believed in and that's the part that hurts.

"Pretty much." Jason shakes his head, sucking in a deep breath as if the cold air biting his vocal cords will make it easier to talk. "Bringing me back was transactional." Jason's voice goes quiet and Sam thinks she heard his heart break.

She knew before, but this is further confirmation that Jonathan Crane is a monster. She is looking at Jason Todd who always just wanted to be enough and just wanted to be loved and Crane weaponized that just like Bruce. But worse. Sam knew Crane didn't bring Jason back from the dead out of the kindness of his own heart but she is furious and devastated to be right. She is pissed that he would even tell Jason that.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him." Sam mutters, looking forward which earns her an immediate glance from Jason.

"Why? He didn't do anything." Jason nearly mocks the very idea.

"Because he just told you that the reason you're alive is because he needed something from you." Sam bites back, a venom and fury in her voice as she looks at Jason. "That's fucked up. I don't care if it's true. You don't tell someone that. And I wanna kill him anyway for everything he's done to you. But, that's a good enough reason to me." The anger in her voice actually surprises Jason. Of course, he's hurt by the ordeal, but he's watching Sam grow more and more angry over it. He's never had someone be like over something someone else did to him.

"I don't know why it even fucking matters anymore. I did all of this shit for him." Jason huffs taking another drink. "How it always is anyway, right?" Jason lets out a hollowed chuckle. "Like I told you, people always want something in exchange for something else." Jason mutters and he thinks Crane has a point. Life is transactional, he just wishes his literal life wasn't.

Sam stops walking, Jason walking a few feet in front of her. She hadn't thought about that conversation in months. It was the first time she ever promised him something. She promised she'd never make a promise to him she couldn't keep and she'd never make one just to get something from him. Then he promised he wouldn't tell anyone about the boot print bruise on her back. Things did not seem so simple then, but they sure as shit do now. And her heart starts to break even more, realizing that he really, truly trusted Crane. She has no idea why but he did. That's not for her to judge but he trusted him and Crane only brought him back because he needed something from him. He is just another person that has made Jason Todd feel like there is some sort of condition to his love. And that's just not fair.

"What?" Jason asks, turning around to look at Sam.

"You know I love you still, right?" Sam asks quietly.

Jason shakes his head in confusion, eyes darting up the sky and then back to her. He isn't sure exactly how to respond to the question. She told him she does. That's not the same as him believing her though. It's hard for him to feel like anyone actually loves him right about now. He doesn't even like himself right now. And with everything Crane just said to him, he's thinking that maybe Sam's just saying it so Jason doesn't walk onto a roof.

"Jay?" Sam asks quietly. "You know that, right?" Sam's eyes scan over his face but she doesn't see any sign of him acknowledging the question. "Okay, well, I still love you." She nods her head with confidence. "And if I would have known how to bring you back, I would have done it. Because I love you and I care about you and you deserve to live." Sam closes the distance between them. "And...you don't owe me shit for it, either. I don't expect anything from you. It's not conditional or transactional for me, okay?"

The last thing Sam wants is for Jason to feel like he's unloved. It's messy as fuck right now and he has a lot to make up for but he's loved anyway. Crane loves to manipulate people and make them feel like they're alone. Sam can't imagine what the fuck telling Jason he wasn't even wanted back would do but she has to believe Crane had a fucking purpose. So, it doesn't matter where they stand or what's left of them. Sam will stand here in the freezing cold all night with him and tell him she loves him. Because on days when she felt unloved and unlovable, she had Jason who always countered those thoughts without ever knowing. So, she will always do the same. He deserves it.

Jason's breath starts to shake as he looks down at her and his chest hurts. He thinks someone might as well be reaching through his ribs and squeezing his own heart until it explodes. She is the only one that has ever made him feel wanted and loved without conditions.

"After everything?" Jason almost scoffs but he can't quite bring himself to. Sam looks desperate. "Fucking why?" The question almost comes out as a plea.

"Because loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done." Sam nods her head once and this is different than the first time she said it. 

The first time was on accident and she was very clearly terrified. It was something she never intended to ever tell him but it slipped out in a fit of desperation so he'd stop beating himself up. This time though, it is said with confidence and reassurance as if the words were almost meant to leave her lips for only him. And it starts to defrost Jason's heart, the pain easing in his chest because he knows she means it.

Jason rests his forehead against hers, his eyes closing and it's like it's easier to breathe again. He wants to kiss her again. It's never easy for him to say what he thinks or what he feels but he's always been able to show it with her. This time though, that is no longer his place. It doesn't matter that she loves him because they are broken up. He can't overstep that line even if he wants to. The most he can do is rest his forehead against hers and that's always been just enough.

A smile pulls at Sam's lips before she wraps her arms around his shoulders, moving her head to rest in the crook of his neck. Jason's hands come to her hips and suddenly, it's like the first day of spring. The air isn't suffocating or painful. It is fresh and clean, smooth and soft. It's easy to breathe again and the suffocating coldness lifts from their chests. All it is is warm and welcoming. Just like home.

"Thank you for coming, Sammy." Jason mutters into her neck.

"You and me." Sam mutters right back, Jason's hands squeezing around her just a little tighter.

Sam pulls away first, a loving smile on her lips and for just a second as she rests her hand on his cheek, she almost forgets she ended things. This, right now, feels like it did before he died. And she almost forgets and she almost kisses him to make it all not so heavy. But, it's just a second and then she remembers which means that isn't her place anymore and she doesn't know if it ever will be. So, she drops her hand, the smile falling slightly. She looks to her left, sucking a breath but then her brows furrow.

"Is that Dick?" Sam questions, bursting the bubble between the two of them.

Jason turns, following Sam's stare. "Fuck." Jason groans just as Dick seems to spot the two of them, too because he lifts the face shield of his helmet.

"We should get out of here." Sam reaches down for Jason's free hand, interlocking her fingers with his.

"Yeah, fuck that." Jason nods quickly in agreement as the two of them start to walk away but before they could get far, Dick tries to run the red light after them only to get hit by a car going through the green.

Sam and Jason look between each other before they both let out a breath and start their walk over to Dick to see if he's okay. They walk over as Dick rolls over to face them. Sam rolls her eyes and grabs her phone from her pocket to call an ambulance while Jason looks down at him. He finds the whole thing a little ironic. Dick is on the ground, clearly out of it and hurt and he could kill him right now. He's been trying for a week to kill Dick and now is the perfect opportunity but the only reason he's even thinking about it is because of the irony. He doesn't even really want Dick dead. Not when he's clean.

Sam kneels down, putting a hand on Dick's shoulder. "Ambulance is on the way, I texted Kory and Gar to let them know. You're an idiot." Sam nods at him.

"What...?" Dick asks, looking from her to Jason and then back to her. Dick knows he has a concussion but he's lost on why Jason is just standing in front of him and why Sam doesn't even seem mildly concerned about what's going on. What the hell is going on? "Jason?"

Sam looks behind her and Jason's heart sinks. "Yeah?" Sam questions, looking back to Dick. "You ran into oncoming traffic." Sam states sternly as they hear sirens starting to approach. They can see the lights just down the street. "Don't do anything drastic like die on the way to hospital." Sam says softly before she gets back to her feet and walks back to Jason. "Let's go."

"What? You're gonna leave him like that?" Jason asks with surprise, that's unlike her.

"The ambulance is right there." Sam points to the flashing lights. "He'll be fine." Sam nods her head once, reaching down for Jason's hand once more, this time Jason takes it carefully before the two of them head off in the opposite direction.

The two of them get back to Jason's hideout, not having said much to each other on the cold walk over. They convince themselves it was all out of self-preservation rather than self-destruction. Sam follows Jason to the room he led her to last night where he plops down on the mattress still laid out on the floor.

Something about it feels weird because feelings are out in the open unlike before. They were said last time and something came from it but this time, they're words hanging in the air, following them back. Jason doesn't know what to say anymore and Sam thinks she's exposed herself too much again. Nothing can happen between them now, not with everything going on and even if they want something happen, is that for the best?

It's like something should be happening in the space between them but nothing does because it's all been said and done before. Neither of them quite know where they should stand or where they should lay their hearts to rest. So, it feels weird and it's quiet, both of which are things neither of them likes very much between each other.

Sam shifts on her heels, looking around the room. "I, uh, I brought you some more clothes and...stuff." Sam says softly, nodding towards her backpack near the dresser. Sam had dropped it off earlier when they were supposed to meet back here.

"Oh, uh, yeah no thank you." Jason nods his head at her and the awkwardness makes him want to chew his own arm off.

"You're welcome." Sam sucks in a breath, looking around the room some more. "Not quite Wayne Manor, huh?" Sam asks, looking back to Jason.

"It's a roof." Jason shrugs a shoulder casually.

He should have said it back and he knows he should have. But, the words stick to the back of his throat, holding his vocal cords captive. While he gets it, he is still hurt by her leaving him. He knows he deserves it and she had every right to. She should still be gone. He gets it. But, he can still hear the heartbroken laugh she let out echoing in his head and the words that followed and it fucking hurts. He's forgiven her already but...the pain is there anyway. Jason knows he'll get over it but he isn't there yet so the words choke his vocal chords and the air is stiff and awkward between them.

"Yeah." Sam nods her head before she looks back at him. She cannot take this anymore. It has almost never been awkward between them and Sam can't stand it. The whole thing would be easier if it were easier to just talk about everything. But, that seems too heavy right about now. So, she walks over to her backpack, plucking it from the ground. She walks in front of Jason and crouches down, unzipping her backpack before she pulls out a book. "I thought it might help." Sam hands it over, her hands shaking slightly.

A soft smile starts to pull at Jason's lips as he takes the book from her. "Raided my whole room, huh?"

Sam grins, mostly to herself. "Yeah, kind of." Sam laughs softly. "Brought these, too." Sam smiles widely, pulling out a few more books and handing them over.

Jason looks over his favorite books, Sam picking up Pride and Prejudice and Frankenstein for him of course, but the pick of The Fellowship of the Ring does not go unnoticed. Jason really likes it, sure, but there are other books he's read more around her. He almost laughs at her grabbing this one. And something about the whole thing, makes him feel loved again.

He looks back to her and her eyes are bright just as they always were around him and her smile is turning into something cheeky, as if she knows she's just won something Jason isn't aware of. She says loving him is easy and he always finds it so hard to believe, especially right now. But, he looks over the cover of the books and then back to her, and it really is just that easy to her. And while they may need to talk eventually and this whole thing is fucked up and messy, maybe some sort of feeling of how it used to be, would be nice.

He always felt loving her was the easiest thing he'd ever done, too.

So, he smirks back at her.

"You don't have to try so damn hard." Jason quips. "Fucking try-hard."

Sam's jaw drops as she lets out a laugh. "Fuck you! Look who's talking! You're the biggest fucking try-hard I ever met!"

"Bullshit!" Jason laughs. "You were the one who told me with Deathstroke that I wasn't trying hard enough!" Jason fires right back, hoping he can get her to keep laughing. He's really missed her laugh.

Sam bursts into a fit of laughter, almost forgetting about that comment he made. She told him he was the one that needed to get laid and he told her he'd been trying. The comment was never brought up again. Partially because Jason was dropped fifteen stories and partially because it wasn't worth the risk of bringing up if it was a serious comment or not. But, Sam finds the whole thing funny now.

"Well, it was true!" Sam bites back. "You were an asshole half the damn time!" Sam knows, asshole or not, all Jason had to do was ask and she would have gotten right into bed with him without a second thought. Not that she will ever give him the satisfaction of knowing that though.

"Playing the long game, babe." Jason defends his stance, a smirk dancing over his face as he gestures his hand out to the side.

"I'd fucking say!" Sam lets out a chortle.

"Worked for a while, didn't it?" Jason says and it almost grows sour on his tongue but that's not how he meant the comment. "I mean, had you practically begging a few times." The smirk switches into something sinister and teasing. The confidence radiates off him just like it always did before and Sam thinks they could go back and forth like this all night and maybe it would fix everything.

Sam feels heat start to rise to her cheeks. "Okay listen."

Jason bursts into a fit of laughter and Sam thinks it's still the most beautiful sound she ever heard. "Uh-huh. I'm listening, babe. All fucking ears." Jason nods his head quickly, knitting his brows together but the smirk is practically glued to his face as if he knows he's just won.

"Fuck you." Sam nods her head quickly, shrugging her shoulders. "I fucking won! Remember that? I do so everything else, bullshit. I won." Sam crosses her arms over her chest.

Jason's smile starts to soft and tender as he nods his head. "Yeah, guess you did." He says softly.

This feels normal. It feels like it did before, just joking. Sure, being together was better because they could joke and know something else was on the other end of it. The joking as friends was always just fun and that's how this feels again. Fun. And warm. It doesn't feel so heavy at the moment and neither of them feels so alone and Sam can see it in the way he looks back to the books. She can hear it between the lines of his words because Jason Todd doesn't take losing lightly. She doesn't particularly want this moment to end. Instead, she wants to push it a little bit. Letting him know silently that if even a small part of him is willing, maybe there's hope to get back to how they were before.

"Exactly." Sam matches the softness of his voice. "And you know what, I bet I could get you to cave again." Sam holds her head with confidence.

Jason pauses for a second, narrowing his eyes at her, unsure if this is a trick. "You really sure about that?" Jason challenges, taking the bait as he leans forward towards her slightly. He, for one, is not going to risk this getting heavy again and Sam always had a habit of backing out when he actually challenged her.

It's not just Sam who's been craving this. He has, too. Their game always made him feel wanted and loved and cared for, even before he realized it. That's part of what made it fun for him. And maybe it's too soon to jump into it and maybe they have other things they need to sort out first, but that's not a tonight problem. Tonight's problem is finding a way to deal with the withdrawal and self-hatred burying itself into his bones. Tonight is just about existing with each other for the first time since he's been brought back.

Sam meets Jason right in the middle, closing most of the distance between them. "Positive." Sam nods just once.

Jason glances to her lips and then back to her. "I'll take that bet."

Sam shakes her head as a soft laugh escapes her lips. "Alright, Jay. Bet's a bet." Sam rolls her eyes, sticking out her hand and Jason shakes it. "I will never let you win because you will be surely insufferable."

Jason lets out a booming laugh. "Absolutely. I'll never let you live it down. Glad you understand that."

"Shut the fuck up." Sam leans back on her hands as she rolls her eyes. Sam pauses, watching him take a drink from the bottle he's been nursing. He doesn't look too uncomfortable now and the awkwardness has evaporated into ease and comfort. "Hey, Jay?" Sam calls softly.

"You told me to shut the fuck up." Jason quips, not missing a single beat.

"Insufferable." Sam repeats casually as she nods her head quickly.

"What?" Jason asks softly.

"Wanna read to me?" Sam asks as hesitance starts to take over her voice. Jason's smile turns soft as he looks to the bottle in his hand and then back to her. He knows he will always read to her whenever she asks. "I mean, if you're up for it. I know you said you feel like shit. I can...try to read to you instead, if you want."

Jason almost forgot he felt like shit. Sam has always known exactly what to do to distract him from everything horrible going on. It makes him feel even worse over the whole ordeal because while a distraction isn't always the best coping mechanism, it would have been better than everything else he ever did. Sam always knew how to make the world not feel so heavy and she does it even now and Jason doesn't even think she realizes she does it. She just does as if it's in her nature. And he feels better. Somehow.

"Come on." Jason jerks his head towards the bed as he puts the bottle off to the side before grabbing one of the books. He slides his himself back until his back hits the cool wall.

"Really?" Sam asks with hope in her eyes.

"I owe you, yeah. I can read to you." Jason nods his head once before he opens the book, trying to play off how fast heart is starting to race.

Sam smiles widely before she climbs onto the bed with him, sitting right next to him on her knees. She hesitates for a second because it's not like it was before. Before, they were friends. They were at least friends. And maybe they're friends now, but they're also exes and that feels like it makes it complicated. Last night, Jason was high and devasted. That was different than this. This suddenly feels personal and vulnerable again and Sam isn't sure she's supposed to be here like this. Not when she broke him.

"You gonna just sit like that or?" Jason questions, a tint of hope in his words because he wants her closer, he's just not sure if that's too invasive now. So, he plays it off just as he's always done as if that's a signal to her that it's okay because she always understood that part of him. "Not gonna fucking bite you." Jason quips, a tint of sarcasm in his voice. "That's your thing."

Sam shakes her head, doing a double take. "Um, last time I checked, you were into it." Sam blinks at him just as Jason looks back to her. He gains a shit-eating grin, shrugging his shoulder slightly. "Yeah, exactly. And you fucking branded me once, remember that?" Sam points out the time Jason littered her in hickies.

Jason's head hits the wall behind him as he lets out a booming laugh, the sound reverberating off the walls. His nose scrunches and Sam thinks he's never looked more at peace right now. It's as if he is so proud of himself. 

"Yeah, and you were into it, too." Jason lets out a scoff and Sam wants to both kiss and bite the smirk off his face.

Jason looks back to her and they're sitting close, faces just inches from each other. She's looking at with him the fake scowl she always did when she knew she wouldn't have any type of comeback and she'd have to cave and tell him to go fuck himself. But, then Jason sees the corner of her mouth twitch into something cheeky and taunting. And he swears he has never been so captivated by someone before.

"Yeah, I was." Sam nods her head, throwing Jason the bone as she laughs.

"Fucking exactly." Jason's voice is low this time, brows pulling together.

Sam glances to his lips and she almost just bites the damn bullet. But, that might ruin what they're doing right now, so she rolls her eyes. "Fuck you." Sam scoffs as Jason gains his signature triumphant grin.

"Time and place, babe." Jason beams right back at her.

"Insufferable." Sam repeats as a warm smile replaces the smirk. "Okay," Sam sucks in a breath. "So, we lay like we always did before?" Sam asks, chewing the inside of her cheek as her eyes widen slightly with hope.

It hurts a little bit that she's hesitant and Jason knows that's on him. Sam has never been hesitant in showing him physical affection. Even the first night he read to her, the only reason she stood there is because she was confused as to what Jason was doing. But, the second he asked her to sit, sarcastically with a  bite in his voice, Sam went right to him and cuddled into his side. It has always been that easy and that simple. It should be that way, still. Regardless of everything that's happening. They can keep that part of them.

So, he extends his arm.

"You don't have to ask." Jason states simply and casually because it should always be that simple.

"I just don't want to overstep." Sam mutters softly, dodging his eyes.

"You can't overstep." Jason almost whispers right back, no sarcasm or bite or snark in his tone.

Things might be hard and Jason might want to push and run and scream and break. He might feel far too exposed again and scared of getting hurt again and scared of everything, but Sam is the one person who can never overstep. She can do whatever she wants and say whatever she wants and ask whatever she wants.

Sam gives him this genuine and joyful smile as her face softens. "You can't either." Sam nods her head softly. She scoots down so she can rest her head on his shoulder, placing her arm over his stomach and she feels him relax right under her. He still feels warm and safe, just as he did before.

Once Sam is comfortable against him, Jason swears this is the safest he has felt since coming back. It is the most comfortable he has felt. He doesn't remember what it was like last night but tonight, he knows he can just exist with her. There are no obligations to anyone or anything. And relief fills his blood, his entire body falling into a state of relaxation and he hadn't even realized he hasn't relaxed at all since coming back. Maybe this is what they both really need. Just one night of normalcy for them and comfort and safety. Just him and her.

"Thanks again for coming." Jason whispers above her head.

"Always." Sam whispers right back, running her thumb along the fabric of his hoodie covering his torso. Jason sucks in a breath, running his hand along her hoodie-covered shoulder before Jason's voice about Bilbo's birthday starts to fill the room.