Chapter 12: A(dolf's) Situationship

With a week or so, the little rowing boat, powered by Da Real Heinrich-H's colossal mass and the cocaine Hermy G had safety stored in his urethra, reached the North Sea. From here, the men made their way to the mouth of the Weser river, allowing the moist embrace of their seductive Fatherland to swallow them whole, guiding the boat forwards, towards Berlin...

One day, surrounded by the racial purity of Germany's erect hills and glistening grass, they opted to take a break on the river bank. Allowing the warm sunset to caress their tired bodies, The Führer sat beside Igglepiggle on the unmixed and uncontaminated grass, suppressing a moan as it softly tickled his ripe bottom. The two men watched their compatriots set up camp, allowing their impassioned voices to reach them as echoes, as if in a shared daze.

'Hermy, hold the other side! The pole must go in the - how do you say- little fabric hole?"

'It's called an Öse. And no, you're putting it in the wrong one. Again.'

'Wrong? But I read the instructions!'

'No, you looked at the instructions like a cow looks at a train.'

'Always with the poetry, Hermy. You could just help.'

'I am helping. I am supervising.'

'Oh, so now you are a general, and I am your poor, little soldier?'

'You think you're little? You're the entire army, and somehow, you're still losing the battle.'

'You used to love me, Hermy! Why now must every conversation with you become a war? What happened to being on the same side?'

'Why do you always have to act like such a victim? Why can't you just accept that I am right about everything???'

'Fine... You do it...'

'No, you're going to it, Heinrich. Hold it firm. No, firmer. Like you mean it.'

'I always hold things like I mean it.'

'Oh? Not last night, you didn't.'

'HERMANN GÖRING! Not in front of Igglepiggle and mein Führer.'

'Relax! They're gazing aimlessly into the distance...just look at them. Besides, you seemed willing enough to embarrass yourself in front of them earlier.'

'What's that supposed to mean, Hermy?'

'You know what I'm talking about...'

The voices dissolved into silence, for a second. Adolf glanced to Igglepiggle, wishing to absorb the look of contentment etched into his sunlit face. As the voices of Hermy G and Da Real Heinrich-H reached them once more, he closed his eyes, attempting to lose himself in their petty quarrel. Attempting, fruitlessly, to forget the heartbreak that had plagued him since Churchill's men had ripped him from Joseph's embrace...

'There. See, Hermy? We did it together.'

'Yes, because I took over at the crucial moment.'

'You are impossible.'

'You love it...'

'I can't deal with this right now, Hermann. We'll talk in the morning, ok?'

'Heinrich...wait-'

Again, silence fell. Clearly, Da Real Heinrich-H had not waited. A few moments later, Igglepiggle and Adolf heard the buzz of a tent zip opening then reclosing. The same sounds repeated and the two men were alone, save for the angry snores that soon began to erupt from Himmler's tent. 

'Are you going to tell me what's wrong, then?' Igglepiggle turned to the little German, concern permeating the lines of his wise and trustful face. 

Hitler opened his little mouth, revealing minor bursts of saliva. But no noise spilled out of his tight lips. It was as if he had lost the ability to speak...

'Adolf,' he continued gently, 'I can tell something's up - we all can. You haven't been acting like your usual happy and bouncy self. You seemed so relieved so...free...after we lost that war, as if you could finally be yourself again. But now-'

'What if myself isn't good enough, Igglepiggle? What THEN????'

'Adolf, look at me,' their eyes connected like a bullet sinking into soft flesh, ' You are enough, ja. Do you think we would have risked our lives to come and get you if you weren't someone special to us. And you why you're special to us, Adolf?

Hitler dramatically shook his head.

'Because you're cool, Adolf. No, I mean it! And beyond that y-you're... talented, sexy, very self assured, a great military leader. You name it; the list is endless, mein Führer! Endless! Do you think just anyone could almost win against uhhhhhh...who was it again?'

Unconvinced, Adolf stared sadly ahead, not wanting to meet the taller man's eyes. 'Thanks, Igglepiggle. How is it you guys even managed to find me? Not going to lie, I thought the others were dead...'

'Well, Adolf,' Igglepiggle began nervously, 'That first night you came and stayed with me in Moscow, I-'

'Yes?'

'I secured a tracking device to you. Just in case-'

'WHAT????'

'Don't be angry, Adolf', sighed Igglepiggle, 'It's the only reason you're alive, ja?'

'I-i-' Adolf spluttered, 'wha-'

'Do you want to hear the story or not?' Igglepiggle cut him off, 'Ok then. Well I figured since you can be a tad...impulsive on occasion. Not that any of us are without fault of course. But it made sense, you see, to stay on the safe side and so, as I say, I installed it...while you slept as a matter of fact, into your anus.'

Adolf gasped, running his hands over his plump posterior. Against his will, he thought of Stalin once more...

'And good thing I did, Adolf! Because, that very night, I was able to watch as they took from that bar and-'

'What bar?'

'In Moscow, remember?'

'Oh...the British didn't take me from that bar...' Adolf blushed.

'Maybe you were unconscious, Adolf,' said Igglepiggle, gently, 'But they took you...first to the Kremlin, and then to London. Churchill and Stalin... they're still working together. They both want to dead, ja? And so their men...'

'No, Igglepiggle. You aren't listening.' Adolf began to shake with nerves. 'They didn't take me to the Kremlin. Joseph did because-'

'You know Joseph and Stalin are the same person, right?'

'YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!' Adolf led out a childish scream, an explosion of snot dripping down his front. 'It's not the same as it was during the war. Keep up!'

Igglepiggle clasped him tightly. 'I'm sorry, Adolf. I'm listening now. Go on please...'

'J-Joseph is with me, Igglepiggle. At least, I think he is. At least, I need him to be...'

Igglepiggle's eyebrows knotted together. He still didn't understand. How could he make him understand?

'H-he tried to protect me when they came,' Adolf burst into uncontrollable sobs, his words barely discernable anymore, 'I was at the Kremlin with him, Igglepiggle...

I-I'm in love with him...'