chapter 11 - confessions

(Credits on the pic, just imagine it's Tessa, she's blonde like Lumine anyway. I literally spent 30 minutes to find a good fanart for this chapter 😩)

I woke up so early that the sun barely was rising at the horizon, orange light entered the room.

Kaeya was still deeply asleep in my bed, the blanket barely covered his naked body.

I sighed. I fucked up.

I got out of bed to take a shower. I was dizzy and hangover, it felt like a hammer kicking my skull.

I was well aware of what I did last night. My head was clear, I knew the decision I made. And from my side, I didn't regret anything. I needed him. I needed the distraction.

But I was selfish. Deep down I always knew that Kaeya was in love with me. I just denied it. But after last night, after I saw how he treated me and heard all the things he said, I can't turn a blind eye anymore.

And I was a literal ass for dragging him into my stupid heartbreak situation, basically playing with his feelings. I used him. I used him for my own good.

I am a terrible friend.

After I finished my shower, I checked on him. He was still sleeping so I quickly wrote a note and left the apartment.

I am fucking stupid.

I left the city, I kind of just wandered around in the chilly autumn weather. My head still tried to kill me, but I didn't care. I just needed to be alone with my guilt and thoughts.

I ended up near Dawn winery somehow. I chose a quiet spot and lay down under a big tree. Maybe I even fall asleep, I wasn't sure.

I didn't even know how much time passed. Probably half a day, considering the distance the sun made, I was almost without the tree's shadow.

"Tessa" I looked up to see who approached me.

Diluc.

The person I wanted to see the least today. I could've blame myself why I was napping near Dawn winery, but I chose a quiet spot, so basically I had the same chance to run into him here than any other places.

The pain from last night hit me again. So I just closed my eyes again and waved at him. I was hoping he would leave or something but he decided to sit down next to me.

Great. Fucking great. Just stab me right now, please.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "You disappeared early last night"

"Yeah, yeah" I shrugged his question off, I was still laying on the ground, covering my eyes. "I was just tired"

But in the inside I was screaming. I am not okay. You broke my heart and you don't even know it.

"Hmm, interesting.." I looked up at him with one eye. He was biting his lower lip, clearly struggling with something.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, you can keep it a secret if you want"

"Keep what a secret?" I sat up, I rested my arms on my knees. I literally had no clue what he was talking about.

"Nothing, I just heard on the streets that Kaeya left your apartment in the morning"

I snorted. "Awesome"

"Sooo... you two have something..." he started, but I quickly interrupted him. The conversation was getting really embarrassing.

"No" I stated. "Yes, we slept together. But that's all. It's none of your business anyway"

He nodded. "Yeah, you're right, I was just curious. You two always got along pretty well"

I couldn't read any emotion on his face but that's not new. I stared at the grass, stupid tears started to gather in my eyes.

"You think so?" I asked, my voice was slightly shaking.

"Yeah, I mean I would've been happy if you two are really a thing now, but I guess I misunderstood"

Oh, great. The tears now rolled down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't imagine that he could break my heart even more, but oh well, he was tearing it from my chest and stepping on it with brute force.

"Tessa, what's wrong?" he reached to me, touching my shoulder. I couldn't stop sobbing at this point. I aggressively tried to wipe my tears away, but there were just more and more of it. I couldn't even feel his touch. The touch I was craving for.

He tensed and got serious in a second. "Don't tell me... did he hurt you?"

I looked up at Diluc. I couldn't help letting out a small laugh. My vision was blurry but the color of his eyes was clearly visible to me. The color I loved the most in the whole world.

"No, Diluc, Kaeya didn't hurt me at all"

"Then what's wrong?" he was clearly confused.

I looked up at the clear sky. I thought about the feelings I felt for him from the very first time, until now. Respect. Childish admiration. Then when we turned teenagers I slowly learned the word love. I felt a burning, sweet, pure love for him. Still childish, but a bit more serious.

And then I left. And I could never erase him from my mind. Whoever I met, whoever I slept with, I just... couldn't feel the same for them. Diluc was always in my mind. And then I came back and these feelings are still there. Even stronger than before.

I sighed.

"Don't tell me you never noticed" I smiled at him and stood up. I need to let everything out. I am not a shy kid anymore. Even if it doesn't matter. But I was ready to run away. As always.

He gave me a very confused look. I stared at my shoes then back at him.

"I love you, Diluc" my eyes were full of tears again. "I love you since I first saw you. I could never forget about you. I've seen the whole world, but I still couldn't forget you. I love you"

He was totally speechless. His eyes widened.

"Tessa.."

"No" I interrupted. "I don't care. I know you don't feel the same. I heard you speaking with Jean last night. I...just wanted you to know. Nevermind"

I turned to leave.

"Tessa... please" he grabbed my arm, but I shook it off.

"I don't care" my voice was shaking. "I don't want to feel your pity. Just act like I didn't say anything"

I literally ran away and didn't look back. I didn't want to see him. I couldn't look at him.

I alternately ran and walked until I reached Springvale.

I stopped by the lake behind the village. I sat down by the water, feeling completely numb. I barely heard the birds, I barely felt the chilly breeze, I barely sensed the scent of flowers.

I let pain to consume me. I wanted to feel every bit of it to eventually accept the facts and move forward as a grownup would do. There's more to life than depending on people. Love and relationships are basic necessities like food and sleep but unlike these things, love is not essential for survival. These are just trivial matters making life easier.

But fuck logic and common sense, I am hurting so much.

I took off my boots to rest my legs in the cool water. Just to feel something.

"Tessa, I've been looking for you" I didn't here his footsteps.

But I recognized the voice behind me.

Why? Why do I keep bumping into people I don't want to meet right now?

I didn't answer. Kaeya just sat down next to me. I couldn't look at him.

"I don't know why you feel bad about last night, you even promised you wouldn't regret anything" he said.

"I used you" my voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"I used you too" he stated. "I used your broken state to get closer to you. So we're even" he shrugged.

"I'm sorry"

"You don't have to apologize. I always knew that you love Diluc. God, it always made me so angry. I was hoping that I can change your mind and prove that I am better for you. But I guess I can't change your feelings"

"I... there's nothing wrong with you" I finally had the courage to look at him. He wore a smile, but the one uncovered blue eye of his was full of sadness.

"I know" he grinned. "I am just not good enough for you"

"Kaeya.." I was hurting him. I've only caused him pain.

"But" he started. "That's okay. The whole situation is just straight fucked up. I swear the funniest thing would be if Diluc was in love with me. What a nice love circle it would be. Truly amusing."

Classic Kaeya. Making a bitter joke out of everything.

"But, hope dies last" he smiled.

I couldn't say a word.

He touched my hand.

"Tessa, I don't want to cause any trouble for you. I don't want to make things awkward just because we know each other's feelings and because we slept together. I want to remain your friend"

The stupid tears started rolling down my face again. When did I turn into a stupid crybaby?

I felt a sudden impulse to hug him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed him in my embrace. He hesitated for a second, but then he returned the hug, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I... I know it's selfish" I was sobbing. "But I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend"

He tightened his arms around me.

"I will always be there for you. Technically you're my best friend too"

I knew it was wrong. But honestly, even if it's painful, I would stay Diluc's friend if he needed me.

But he probably doesn't even need me.

The same thought popped into my mind as last night.

Maybe I fell in love with the wrong man.