Chapter 9- I still don't feel good enough

[A/N: I'm finally uploading another chapter :) I'm sorry for the incredibly long wait, but just bare with me, my exams end October 7th 😁]

[Jungkook POV]

They still hate you.

They're caring for you out of pity.

They're doing this to keep up their good reputation.

They really don't care.

"Here I am, once again, Torn into piecesCan't deny it, can't pretendJust thought you were the one."

I sung softly as I climbed up onto the window ledge and looked down.[A/N: Can you identify the song? 🙂]

I recognised the long drop as the same one I fell down a few weeks ago.

Maybe a month. I don't even know anymore.

I looked out into the horizon and then back at the door of my room.

The past few weeks were torture. Having the urge to slice the flesh off my bones but everyone was keeping an eye on me 24/7.

The only times when I was really alone was in the evenings, like now.

Usually I'd take anti-depressants to make me sleep so I couldn't cut or suicide, but I chose not to. Just for today.

That seemed to be a bad decision as my thoughts yet again overwhelmed me and I am back here.

I sat down on the window ledge, letting my feet dangle off the side. My hands gripped the ledge tightly as I took a deep breath.

I was about to let go when I remembered what my Grandma told me in...heaven?

"I know your hyungs have been bad to you, I heard everything you told me. But what would your mother think if she found out her son killed himself? And doesn't that Jimin person love you?"

My hesitation gave my hyungs time. Time to find me.

"Jungkook!""Get off there!""Come back down please!"

[Jin POV]The six of us sat in the living room, talking and conversing about random things when I suddenly got a really bad feeling in my gut.

I don't know why, but something didn't feel right.

"Hey guys, I think we should check on Jungkook."

The rest of them looked at me confused, wondering why I suddenly brought up the maknae.

"He should be sleeping, hyung. He takes his anti-depressants at 5pm, remember?" Jimin reminded me, though it didn't help ease the growing feeling in my stomach.

"No. Something's not right."

I stood up, Namjoon following me. Soon enough, everyone stood up and we headed towards Jungkook's room.

The closer we got, the worse the feeling became. Before I knew it, I opened the door and saw Jungkook sitting on his window ledge, contemplating whether to jump or not.

"Jungkook!""Get off there!""Get down please!"

We were all yelling a chorus of things towards him, frozen at the doorway. He seemed to have not heard us or chose to ignore us—at least that's what I thought.

After minutes of yelling and 'please's, Jungkook turned his head and revealed his tear-stained face.

"H-hyungs.."

He choked out, his grip on the window ledge tightening.

"Jungkook..."

I took steady and calculated steps towards him and hugged him from behind.

"Don't...jump..." I paused, tears welling up in my eyes, "Hyung loves you too much to see you go."

Slowly and steadily, he brought his legs back over the ledge and into his room. I closed the window and locked it.

I picked him up and placed him on the bed, his back leaning on the headboard.

The maknae looked up at me with his puffy red eyes as I grabbed his anti-depressants and gave it to him.

"Kookie can you take these for hyung? It will help you," I smiled, handing one of the white pills to him.

He quickly took the pill and washed it down with water, laying down onto his bed.

I stepped back and looked at the others. We quickly left the room after turning off the lights for Jungkook to sleep.

[Back to Jungkook POV]I didn't actually take the pill. I just hid it under my tongue and swallowed some water.Since I can't jump, what should I do? Nothing too loud, my hyungs would know I'm awake.

The first thing I did was spit out the pill. Then I grabbed 'The Box' from under my bed. 'The Box' of my best friends.

Razors.

My other reliever.

I spread out the gauze, bandages, and tissues on my bed and picked up one of the many razors.

The relief of my flesh breaking open overwhelmed me and I couldn't bring myself to stop. My arm was soon full and I moved on to the other arm after cleaning it up.

After I was done, I picked up my bandage and was about to bandage my hand. To my dismay, I heard my door click.

"Jungkook-ah?"

Jimin.

I rushed to hide all the stuff but I was weak due to blood loss.

"Jungkook..."

He walked towards me, seeing the razor in my hand and the fresh cuts all over my arms."We'll fix this, okay?"

He looked at me and held up one of my arms gently, not wanting to hurt me.

He helped me wrap up my arms and keep my 'stuff'.

He understood that it was my form of relief, but he wanted me to try to stop so he took the box away from me.

Jimin told me that I could talk with ARMY if I felt stressed or anything, but try not to mention too much about...the situation.

"Why didn't you want to take your anti-depressants?"

"Nothing's working, hyung. Every day just feels worse than the last."

I mumbled honestly, knowing I can't hide anything.

He rubbed my back and smiled sadly, "Maybe you should talk to ARMY about your thoughts but not expose too much."

I nodded and headed over to my desk. I heard him leave my room as I turned on Vlive.

"Hey ARMY..."

Reading the comments, ARMY was slightly suspicious as I never do more than 1 Vlive in less than a month, so I decided to tell them why I was here.

"Ah...As you all know I have a lot on my mind recently and I don't want to...bother my hyungs," I paused, reading the comments, "I won't say too much but I just need to talk..."

I talked about my worries for the group, how I miss performing and things like that. I knew ARMYs weren't satisfied as we went on a hiatus without an explanation, but I couldn't reveal anything. Yet.

I ended the live after about 30 minutes and decided that I needed another way to release my pent up emotions.

I grabbed an empty note book that was laying on my desk and began writing.

[A/N: Next chapter will just be his diary entries for the next week so yep.]

Word Count: 1160Chapter 9 End