epilogue

The funeral was small, Harry wanted it to be. Only close friends and family members were invited. Harry arranged it since he was sure that no one else could make it better than he. And he was right. It was perfect. If you can call a funeral of your loved one perfect.

The ceremony was beautiful. In a graveyard on a sunny day, which was not too hot. A small breeze was making the guests cool down. The priest was an old man, who really knew what to say. It wasn't too much of a cliché. The whole place and the casket was full of daffodils, every single one of them approved by Harry. He was wearing his black glittery suit, the same one that Louis worn in AMA's back in 2015. Bigger version of it, of course. He wanted to wear black, but not some casual boring suit. So that was a good option. Lottie, Phoebe, Daisy, Doris and Ernest sat in the front row with Dan. The boys sat behind them. Other people sat behind, or stood with Harry. Including Harry's mom, besides him. She kept making sure Harry was okay. He wasn't. But it was nice that she checked up on him. Harry didn't want to sit down. He couldn't. He stood there the whole ceremony, not letting even one tear to fall on his face. He couldn't cry since he couldn't really progress what has happened yet. And he felt like if he started to cry, he couldn't stop. His mind told him that Louis is on a vacation. But Louis wasn't coming back from this trip.

After the funeral, there was a memorial in their home.

"You two decorated this?" Dan asked looking around. "It looks good." Harry nods and tries to smile. The house is full of stuff but Harry still feels so empty. Louis isn't there. His smile, his brightness isn't there to make Harry happy. He sighs as another person come to say their condolences. He tries to put on a smile but it's no use.

On the wall in the kitchen is still hanging Louis' painting. Harry's heart breaks everytime he sees it. But he can't take it off. It would be so wrong.

**

The media was the worst part of all this. They were suddenly talking about him like they liked him from the start. When One direction was made, they literally insulted him. Saying he was the worst of the five. He was the most 'unknown' when they started solo careers. Now they act like he has been the 'best' one all way through.

"World famous pop singer, Louis Tomlinson, dead at 28."

"Worldwide famous pop-singer, Louis Tomlinson has passed."

"Another celebrity suicide. Louis Tomlinson found dead at his apartment last week."

"Unfortunate suicide by One direction bandmate, Louis Tomlinson."

"Harry Styles' old bandmate, Louis Tomlinson has passed due suicide. Harry refuses to comment on it."

"Louis Tomlinson's world tour cancelled, the singer was found dead at his apartment."

"Three Tomlinsons dead. Louis Tomlinson dead by 28."

World tour cancelled? You're really focused on that? and.. "Three Tomlinsons dead?" Really? Couldn't come up with a better headline. This is embarrassing really, disrespecting him, all of Tomlinsons. A lot of Harry's old friends are sending their condolences, but it doesn't really feel like anything to him. No matter how sad anyone else is, this was the hardest on Harry. No one else knows their side of the story.

**

Couple first months are the hardest. Harry can't seem to fill the empty place inside him. Partly it can be about his medication. He hasn't skipped even a day after the death, he couldn't betray Louis anymore like that. Even though the meds make him feel so numb and so horrible, he decides every morning to take them. For Louis.

He tries to get on with his life, cause no one really knew that they were together. He can't say that he is mourning his boyfriend's dead. "Oh he was my old bandmate." It feels wrong to say that. And people wouldn't understand why he would so upset about his 'old bandmate.'

As Harry tried to live normal life, he still took a break from work. He went for a vacation, Italy, France, Crete and some other european countries. He was mostly alone there, which sounds not so good including the situation, but it really cleared his mind. He met new people, amazing people really. He wrote a lot. Just his thoughts, things he would normally say to Louis. It helped a little bit too. But nothing was really normal, no matter how much Harry tried.

**

Harry wasn't really mad at Louis. Maybe he should have been, but on the other hand it's no use. It's not going to change anything. But there was couple of things that really pissed Harry off.

Louis promised to marry him. They never got their wedding. After all these years of waiting, he couldn't get that. Well, you know,, it's not the worst part of all this. It's horrible that he even was not strong enough to stay. But he promised.

But also, he didn't leave a letter. Not even a little note. Nothing.

He wrote a letters to his sisters, Freddy of course but to be opened when he's sixteen, Liam, Zayn, Niall, Eleanor, his dad, fucking Max. But not to him. Why wouldn't he? Wasn't there anything that he wanted Harry to hear? They were so important to each other. Harry knew he meant much to Louis. Why would he leave Harry without answers?

It bothers Harry so much. He has torn their place all over again and again. Nothing. Nowhere. He even went to his studio and looked for something there, he asked Craig has he left anything here, any unreleased song. He thought for a while before looking through his desk. He gave Harry a cd. Craig said his condolences, but not much more. Maybe he was shocked about it too.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

The second he heard the song, he knew what it was about. This was the song that Louis wrote but Craig didn't accept it. It was,, it was beautiful. Harry never heard the lyrics when Louis was playing it. Just the melody. He cried the whole time listening to it. It just.. maybe he could've done something differently. Maybe if he didn't rage at Louis, he wouldn't had gotten assaulted. If he would've begged Louis to stay at home,, maybe he would still be here. The song sounds like a suicide letter too, somehow.

He fell so low that he even went over to ask Max does he know anything. He didn't. Next thing, Harry started tearing up their backyard, front yard as well. Every tile, every rock. Harry needed answers. Louis wouldn't just not leave him out of this.

Harry flew to the place where Louis proposed to him for the first time. In Paris, in front of wall of 'I love you's. It was at night, no one around. They were both pretty drunk that night but Harry remembers it. He was the happiest that night.

Harry looks all over the place, dropping a couple of tears as his eyes searches for a sign. There is nothing to be found.

**

First Christmas and Louis' birthday without Louis. It was... Harry couldn't even describe how much it hurt him. Too much. On the 24th, Harry was with Louis' family. He spent the day there, eating, watching old childhood videos of him and his sisters. They all begged Harry to stay the night but he said he promised to go back to home. He did give them some presents before leaving.

But Harry didn't go home. He drove to the graveyard. On one of the graves were carved

Louis William Tomlinson 24.12.1991 - 12.4.2020a son, a brother, a father, a bright soul

Harry sits down infront of the grave. It's fucking freezing and he will be all wet from the snow but he wants to talk to Louis.

"I'm sorry." Harry starts. "I really wish you were here. Really, really much. Christmas was your favorite. It feels so empty without you. Today was your first birthday without you. Not that you didn't know that.. Now all I can think about during Christmas is that you're not here with me celebrating your birthday. But I hope you feel better now, no matter where you are."

Harry pulls out a small bottle of vodka and pours it in his mouth. After swallowing he shakes his head out of disgust and pours the rest of the bottle on the grave.

**

Today marks one year from Louis' death. Harry wanted to be alone even though the boys kept calling him. He drove over to the graveyard at 5am. No one yet there. He got to be alone. Cold wind brushed through his hair.

Louis isn't coming back.

He realizes. He knew it before, he just couldn't progress it. Now he knows for sure. Louis is gone for good. Harry falls on his knees and puts the daffodils on the ground.

"Louis I-" He starts but the tears are already flowing down his cheeks. "I miss you so much. Why couldn't you stay? Why I wasn't enough for you? I just keep on thinking everything we did. I know I have my flaws but I loved you, still do." Harry dries his tears and the snot off his nose. "I love you more than anything, I thought that would be enough. I thought you loved me too? If you did, why did you leave? I guess there was more to do. I know that I was too selfish, too caught up on my own head. I should have taken my meds, I should have listened to you. You did so much for me and I took it all for granted. I thought that we won this battle. I thought- I thought that,, you were stronger. I guess I should had supported you more." Harry hears a car parking in the parking lot behind him. "Would have this happened if I weren't bipolar? Cause I hate to blame this on it but it made me a horrible person. But I promise you, I'm getting better. I'm eating my meds, sleeping enough, drinking and eating. I'm barely drinking alcohol let alone any drugs. I always call Liam when feeling bad. I'm taking care of myself like you did when I was at my worst." Couple steps stop behind Harry. He finally turns around to see familiar faces.

"Thought you would be here." Niall says and sits down, others following him. "Have you found anything?" He asks and stares at the grave. Harry shakes his head.

"But I have traveled to so many places to look for it, I think that might be the "letter." Seriously, it brings back so many memories." He explains and wipes his tears, which doesn't really help as new ones just fall down immediately.

"He cared about you more than anything Harry. He has to have something for you somewhere. Keep looking." Liam comforts. "In that letter he gave me, he said to take care of you since he can't do it anymore."

"Gosh!!" Harry yells out of frustration. "Why didn't he leave me anything?" He starts crying again. Loudly this time. Very loudly. He maybe even scared the other boys, but they didn't say anything.

"Mate, he wouldn't hurt you on purpose." Zayn pulls Harry under his arm. "Maybe he didn't know what to say to you, hell I wouldn't know what to say to anyone, let alone Gigi."

"I'm in so much pain, I need something from him." Harry closes his eyes and rests his head on Zayn.

**

Years pass by. Harry's back on music, acting as well. He released the copy of a copy of a copy as his own song. The world needed to hear that. But of course people started speculating about it since he had to give the lyrics credit to Louis. It made things harder for Harry, having to hear about Louis all the time. Not a day goes by without Louis brushing through his mind. He's partly over the fact that Louis didn't leave him anything. But partly he still graves it. Harry's dating this one woman, Olivia. The media seems to love them together, Harry's fans don't. What do they expect? Him to be single for the rest of his life because Louis isn't here anymore? He doesn't care. They can think what they want. Olivia seems safe, Louis would have wanted him to move on. At some point anyway. Olivia and him travel a lot, Harry's still looking for clues. She knows it but doesn't mind. It makes Harry happy.

After this one Italy trip, Harry was so tired. The traveling was little bit too much. Teenage kids kept on following him, shouting, taking pictures. He was so close to losing his mind when one of them yelled that "Larry is real," but Olivia calmed him down.

Larry isn't real. Louis is dead. Louis is fucking dead and he isn't coming back. He is fucking dead and there is nothing Harry can do about it. He just wants to scream at the teens and tell them to shut it up. But Olivia keeps fondling his arms, smiling at him softly. It made Harry calm down.

But as soon as Harry got home, he lost it.

Why.There.Is.Not.Any.Letter?

He yells as he throws stuff at the walls. Everything he can see. Lamps, books, plants, everything is breaking. He even tore the tv out of the wall. He hates this fucking house.

"STUPID, FUCKING, PIECE, OF, SHIT!" He yells as he throws his shoes around the house. He pushes his table around and yells. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?" He falls down on his knees out of breathe, hands covering his face. "Why would you do this?" He whispers.

When he finally stops crying and starts breathing normally, he looks up. The painting. Stupid fucking Louis' red-blue-green painting that doesn't even look like anything. The anger fills up Harry's body again and he basically runs up to the board. He tears it out of the wall and throws it against his fridge, but something falls out. Harry looks at the ground.

Can it be? A letter?