numbness

"What the hell-"

"What? What's wrong?"

"I got 10 missed calls from Craig. Sorry, I'll go outside to talk to him." Harry nods. Louis sighs and gets out of the car. Nervously, he calls him back.

"Louis? Where the fuck are you?!"

"Going home, why?"

"Going home with that guy?"

"That guy as in..?" Louis questions. His head hurts just from hearing Craigs voice.

"Well I don't know his name! Tall blondie."

"Max?" What the hell is this about now? Louis sighs before he continues. "What, I don't get it, where you going at?"

"Yeah well, there is a video of you bending down in front of him, in a fucking gay club. And yes, there is more. A video of you leaving with that guy, and he kisses you."

"I still don't see the problem..?"

"VIDEO, YOU, GAY." He yells so loudly that Louis has to move his phone away from his ear.

"Calm down. It's out there, nothing you can do about it now." Louis leans on the car.

"Oh, yeah, there is something you can do about it. I mean, what I can do about it. You have a date tomorrow with Eleanor. Lots of kissing."

"Seriously? I had plans."

"No can do. Move them."

Louis hangs up irritated and gets back to the car.

"What was it?" Harry asks and put his seatbelt on.

"Nothing important really. Just forget it." Louis says and starts the car. No need to make Harry worry about him too. "We'll go to the pharmacy first? Then I'll drop you off at home."

"Mmh." Harry nods. Louis can feel that Harry has one of those bad days coming. He feels so numb again, less talkative. He really wishes that he could stay at Harry's house. Just to watch Harry sleep, make sure he's okay. Making him food, keeping him company. Not in a romantic way, he just wants him to be alright.

Before Harry gets out of the car, he sits quietly, looking down at his lap.

"Well?" Louis asks, since he wasn't moving anywhere.

"Do you remember when you proposed to me after last concert of take me home tour?" Harry asks out of nowhere as he plays with his ring.

"Wh- Yeah, of course I remember!" Louis gets chills on his back as he thinks about it. "Why?"

"I don't think I'll ever be as happy as I was then." Harry says calmly, not really showing any emotion and then getting out of the car. Louis was left speechless.

The drive home took longer than normal since Louis kept crying and had to pull over to breathe. He left the car parked in a wrong place cause he couldn't really care less, he just wanted to get to his house and fall asleep. Just as he's at the door, he feels puke coming up his throat. In the matter of seconds, he's bending down, coughing and trying not to throw up on his shoes. He pukes so much that he starts to feel dizzy. Finally, when he feels he has nothing left inside his stomach, he slowly gets up to open his front door. There's still something sticky dripping down on his chin when he gets in.

"Louis? Is everything alright?" He hears Max asking and walking towards him. Louis starts crying again and covers his face with his hands and shakes his head. Max immediately takes him into his arms and suddenly Louis feels so vulnerable, so delicate again. His nose keeps running, making Max's sweater all snotty. "What's wrong? Do you want to talk?"

"I just..-" Louis takes a breath. "I don't know how long I can still put up with this."

"With what? Harry?"

"No! No... I mean. I guess he's the cherry on top of the cake, but it's not that. Work, Eleanor, Craig, the media, interviews. I just,,, I'm too tired." He complains and pulls Max closer.

"It's okay Lou. You don't have to be strong always. Take a break, please. For the sake of your health." Louis nods.

But he knew he couldn't take a break.

**

"I have to go now!"

"Not yet,,,,,," Max complains.

"I'm sorry. We'll see tonight." Louis gives a kiss to Max.

"Will you be alright?"

"Yeah! Of course, why?" Louis laughs a little.

"Well, yesterday... You were sad."

"Ahhhh..." Louis remembers. "I'm fine, really." He smiles and gives a one last kiss before leaving out the door. He steps in something sticky and looks down. The fucking puke. He walks over it. Someone got to come clean that up, he thinks as getting in to the car. He cleans up the shoe with a paper he found and throws it on the backseat. Before leaving, he texts Harry.

Harry Styles

Remember to take your meds pls!!!!

Next stop is Eleanor's house and then to an open mall, full of paparazzis. Louis hates it. Not just because he has to pretend to be in love with his 'girlfriend,' but he hates that everyone is watching everything he does. Everything he does is judged, it makes him anxious. Cameras, eyes, reporters everywhere.

Louis gets an message as he's waiting for Eleanor in front of her house.

Craig the fcking jerk

"Tomorrow. Interview 10 pm. Someone will come to get you."

"What interview?"

Louis doesn't get an answer, not atleast when Eleanor gets in the car. She looks nice as she smiles and puts her seatbelt on.

"How you feeling?" She asks as Louis drives away.

"I'm good, you?"

"Great. How about Max? Everything okay with you two?"

"Huh? Yes, why?" Louis gets suspicious.

"I notice when something is wrong, you don't look well." She answers and stares at Louis side profile.

"Well, work mostly. This thing today too, I hate it. I don't wanna go public, let everyone see us."

"I know, you didn't like it when we were together either. Let's just get it over with, right?" Louis nods and sighs. She's right, let's get it over with, let's please Craig, let's not be ourself. Sounds fun!

**

After long day with Eleanor, he drops her off at her house and drives over to Harry's. He hasn't answered his texts all day, he must see what's going on.

Infront of Harry's house, he quickly checks his phone.

Max<3

"When are u going home? Can we talk?"

"Soon, and of course :)"

Louis replies. That doesn't sound so good. 'Can we talk' text is always something bad, always. Louis has enough on his mind, now this too? He sighs and gets out of the car. After knocking, he takes a step back and hopes Harry doesn't have a guy "friend" over.

"Hey." Harry says after opening his door. "What chu doing here?"

"Oh. Um well, you didn't answer my text, just thought I should check up on you." Louis feels kind of stupid right now. Like seriously, he didn't answer for one day and now he's already coming over? Jesus.

"Oh sorry. I was sleeping, the meds make me tired." Harry scratches his hair. "Do you wanna come in or..?"

"No! No, sorry um,, I better get back. You know, Max is waiting." Louis looks down at his shoes.

"It's alright. Guess it's going pretty good between you two?" Harry asks nicely, not sounding mad or rude.

"Yeah, it's good." Louis somehow feel sad because of saying that. It's good, why are you unhappy? "So..."

"Have fun." He smiles and closes the door, leaving Louis standing there on his door step.

Louis slouches back into his car and drives away.

At his house, Max is waiting in the living room. Louis kicks off his shoes and walks over.

"Hey baby." Louis greets him and sits down beside.

"How was your day?" Max asks after giving him a kiss.

"Horrible, don't get me started." Max just smiles in his comforting way. Louis looks down and sighs. He knows he should ask Max what he wanted to talk about, but isn't quite sure does he want to hear the answer. "What um- So,, did you want to talk?"

"Yeah,, have you thought about our future together?"

"Of course, what do you mean? Like marriage?" Too early, too early, too early... Louis thinks in his mind.

"N-I mean, sure, one day Louis. But there is steps before that. For example,,, Moving in together." Max raises his eyebrows and waits for Louis to answer. But Louis' head is empty. He can't seem to say anything.

"Here?" Is all he asks.

"Is that a yes?" Max asks and he gets this glimmer in his eyes.

"...No." Max stops smiling. But before he cam say anything, Louis continues. "I have to think about it before."

"What is there to think about?" Max snaps.

"Well, I have other life too! You know I have to hide our relationship from the public, moving in together is not going to help."

"That sounds like a bad excuse."

"What?!" Louis shakes his head.

"We already hang out here like were living together. This just would make it official."

"Maybe I don't wanna make it official!" Louis says, and immediately regrets it. He can see how Max gets hurt by his words. Shit, why did he say that? He always ruins things. "At least yet.. We have been together for what? Four months?"

"Louis if you don't wanna be with me, just say it."

"I do, I do, believe me. It's just hard to make these type of decisions."

"Why?"

"Previous relationships.." He whispers and tries not to make eye contact with him.

"Harry?"

"Jesus, why do you always come back to him!? My relationship with Eleanor was ten times worse than with him. My relationship with Harry wasn't even bad in any way!" Louis almost yells. Max looks at him so terrified.

Shit, he scared him again.

"You have never talked about you two,, I mean when you were together. I thought it was horrible since-" Max tries to change the subject.

"I know, I know. He's sick. He wasn't like that before." Louis tries to calm down. "He might be bipolar."

"Really? I didn't know that." Louis nods and swallows. Poor Harry. Must be hard for him."That explains a lot."

"I know. But,, Our relationship was good, really good. I'm not even sorry to say that to you, I probably should be. But it's the truth. I don't wanna lie to you." Louis admits.

"Then why did you two break up?" Max asks. He's angry. He doesn't show it but Louis can hear it.

"Um, well. It was complicated. Long story short, I apparently cheated cause I thought we were broken up. We weren't. That's how Freddy was born."

"Oh? Your kid right?" Louis nods. How come this is the answer Max gives when he hears that Louis has cheated on someone. "Were you married?" Max seems to be more invested.

"No, engaged. We never got married since gay marriage wasn't legalized in the United kingdom yet. Then it was kind of,, forgotten. But we did have a 'wedding.' We invited all of our friends and families and partied." Louis smiles. It was really a fun night for him and for everyone in the matter of fact.

"Do you still love him?" Max asks. Shitmotherfucker. What the hell he is supposed to answer? God,, he wishes he could stop the time to call Liam, he would know what to say.

"It's not like I'm in love with him or anything. But I still care for him, I think- I think I still love him but in a platonic way. You know, I don't think it's possible to stop just caring for someone who had a big purpose on your life." Louis hopes that wasn't a wrong thing to say. Louis and Max haven't really said the three big words for each other yet. Now might be the perfect, or the worst time.

"I get it." Max answers. Louis isn't sure if this is a good 'I get it' or 'I get it, you still love him, I'm going to break up with you.' Max sighs. "I had that type of love too, I was young. 17, or maybe 18 years old. But the boy I loved was my straight bestfriend. Sometimes I still feel like I haven't let go, even though we haven't talked in years." Well shit, this conversation took a turn.

"What was his name?" Louis says and smiles while fondling Max's cheek with his hand.

"Liam."

"Liam-"

"Not Liam Payne."

"Oh." Louis eyes drift away from Max.

"Louis?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

**

"And you love her right?"

"Yeah! Yeah, of course. She's my girlfriend." Louis answers to the interviewer, trying not to sound sarcastic.

"Do you have any plans for the future? Engaging, marriage, kids? If I'm allowed to ask, of course."

"No it's fine. Well, right now is definitely not the time for any of that. I'm still working on the album, I'm pretty convinced that I'll get it out this year. So my head is pretty much on it right now." Louis nods while looking at the interviewer straight in the eyes.

"Well that's great! We're very excited to hear the album. Good luck on it, Louis."

"Thanks, thanks." Louis laughs to let the awkwardness out.

"Okay, I guess that a wrap, as you would say." Interviewer says and smiles. Louis sighs as people around him start talking and moving stuff. He still shakes hands with interviewer before leaving to the backstage to change clothes. He locks the door to his room. It's quiet here. He gets infront of a desk with a mirror on it.

"Who are you?" Louis whispers to himself while watching back at his own eyes through the mirror.

He feels like a whole different person in interviews or public. The mask comes immediately on his face, even without him noticing it. This is not him. This stupid fucking hair is not how he likes it. He wants long hair, he wants to grow a beard, he doesn't like these clothes and he wants more jewelry. Maybe even paint his nails once in a while. But no, here comes Craig.

"Sit like a man Louis."

"Someone will bring better clothes to you soon."

"You look like a faggot."

"Yeah, no. You're not wearing those."

"Why are you like that?"

"What's the problem, Louis, seriously!"

"Can you atleast act straight?"

Louis just wants to be himself. His ringtone pulls him out of his thoughts. He wipes his cheeks from tears before answering Liam.

"Hey dude."

"Louis! What's up, we haven't talked in a while."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I got a lot on my mind. But nothing really, just got out of an interview."

"Oh? Why what's up?" Louis doesn't want to answer. He knows he can talk about anything to Liam but he also knows that Liam isn't his therapist. Louis always talks about his problems to him, he feels like he just uses Liam. "You know you can talk to me mate. Always."

"I know. I know." Louis sighs. "Something just happened yesterday with Max."

"I'm all ears."

"He said that he loves me. And I,, um."

"Didn't say it back?"

"...Yeah."

"Shit Louis! Don't you love him?"

"I dunno! Like how would I know, I've been together with him for-"

"You knew with Harry right away. It took you like a week to admit it. You know when you know."

"...This is not the same. I was a kid."

"You weren't. And this has nothing to do with that. You were completely in love with that boy, you knew it the same second you saw him."

"Why are you all defensive about this!" Louis gets stressed.

"You already did Eleanor wrong because of Harry, Max doesn't deserve you if you're gonna fuck it up again."

"Jesus Liam! Great to know that I can always talk to you!"

"Don't play the victim here Louis. You either love Max or Harry. Not both."

Louis just hangs up on him. Fucking tired of everyone. Always telling him what to do, how to act.

Couple hours later, Louis finally gets home. Max's shoes are gone from the hallway. He confusedly kicks his own shoes off and walks to his bedroom. Top drawer of his dresser is open and all the clothes from there are gone.

"Fuck." Louis realizes. He's gone. He picks out his phone to call him.

The line rings....

"Louis."

"I'm so sorry. I-"

"It's over. I was too fucking dumb. You liked Harry all the way from the start, I only realized it yesterday."

"But I don't! I'm just so bad at these type of situations. I always fuck these up." Louis closes his eyes and sits down on the bed. "Please, give me another chance."

"I know my worth Louis."

"I know! I know you deserve better than this. But as much as I want you, I need to keep Harry in my life too."

"I'm not telling you to decide between us. But you clearly like him."

"I don't!" 

"Louis, you're-"

"I love you." Louis says. He can't lose Max, and this is probably the only way to keep him. Maybe he does love him.

"...Why didn't you say that yesterday?"

"I freaked out. The conversation last night, talking about our ex-lovers... Then you suddenly blurt that out... I'm so sorry Max." Louis feels like crying again. He plays with his hair trying to distract his eyes from letting the tears down. "All I'm asking for is a second chance. Please."

"I need some time." Louis sighs out of relief. "I'm going to be at home for a while, but I'm always reachable, okay?"

"Mmh." Louis nods and smiles while drying once again his tears. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I got to go now."

"Okay..." He whispers. Max stops the call on the other side, leaving Louis all alone to stare at the wall infront of him.

He's alone again.

Wonder what Tommy's doing? Liam is with Maya, that's for sure. It would be too desperate to go to Harry's, besides he probably has someone over. Louis sighs and dialls Liam's number. Is he alone or not, Louis owns him an apology.

"...Did he leave you?" Liam answers almost immediately.

"No. He should've. I'm a fucking asshole." Louis sighs.

"I know Louis, these past 9 years have proven that to me." Liam says jokingly.

"I'm sorry to you too. I should've listened."

"Nahh, It's alright. I know you're under a lot of stress right now."

"Mmh. Are you- are you free tonight by any chance?" Louis has to try. He doesn't want to be left alone.

"I'm going out with Maya, actually leaving in couple of minutes. Why?"

"It's nothing really. Have fun with her."

Louis hangs up and sighs. He's too much of a pussy to call Harry. It's still a couple of days until he has to bring his medicine. Maybe if he just drives over? What could go wrong? They're friends now. Friendly, atleast.

Just in case, before Louis leaves he grabs the meds. He drives around the town for like 30 minutes until he actually has the courage to get himself infront of Harry's house. There are lights on, Harry must be home. He parks next to Harry's car, doesn't give a fuck if someone sees it.

Before Louis could even knock, Harry steps outside.

"Louis? What are you doing here?"

"Um, I just.. Well, you know,, I just,, um.. Something happen- Nevermind." Louis stutters while Harry stares at him confused. "Can I stay here? Tonight atleast."

"Yeah, sure. I don't mind." Harry nods.

"Thanks. I brought your meds just in case." Louis sighs of relief inside his head and smiles. Harry as takes out a cigarette offering one to Louis too. "You smoke nowadays?" He asks as he takes the cigar.

"Mmm. Every now and then." Harry shrugs and lights the cigarette and gives the lighter to Louis. "A bad habit, I know."

"Well I don't really have the right to say. Been smoking since a lil teen." He chugged. Harry doesn't seem to answer. He looks straight ahead and looks numb. "A penny for your thoughts?"

"I don't know. I can't really feel much."

"What do you mean?"

"The meds. Make me feel so numb. I feel like nothing has a purpose, nothing feels like anything. I don't really feel depressed anymore, but nothing makes me happy either."

"I know I shouldn't probably say this but it's for the better, I know it is. As fast as you get used to them, the faster you'll get over it. It's good that you don't feel depressed or buy jets cause you're bored, right?" Louis laughs a little but Harry didn't find that amusing. He just breathes in his cigar and blows the smoke out. They stay quiet after that, until they get inside. Harry opens the Netflix and slouches on the couch, Louis next to him.

"So what happened between you and Max?" Harry breaks the silence, turning to Louis who looks at him shocked.

"What?" He shakes his head.

"You came here out of nowhere, something must have happened." Harry shrugs and gets back to browsing Netflix.

"No but that's not why I came." Harry stares at him, waiting for Louis to continue. "I didn't want to be alone." He almost whispers. It feels dumb admitting that.

"Oh."

"He said that he loves me and I didn't say it back." Louis says and sighs after an uncomfortable silence.

"Why? Don't you love him?"

"I freaked out! It was totally the wrong situation to say that." Louis lifts his hands.

"But do you love him?" Harry keeps questioning.

"I don't know man. I really don't know. I have no reason to not love him, but.." He shrugs. "It's-"

"Complicated, I know."

"I wish, just for once, I wouldn't fuck things up. The thing with Eleanor, music, I even had a fight with Liam. A real fight." Harry turns to look at Louis shocked. "I know right! But... Also with you."

"You didn't ruin things, to be fair it was both of us. We both had our problems, it didn't work out. And at some point we probably would have broken up anyways."

"Oh..?" Why does Harry think like that? They were a perfect couple, made for each other.

"Me with this stupid disease. I couldn't have lasted this long." Harry admits. Louis swallows out of nervousness.

"At the doctor,,, when they asked you about the cheating,-" Louis tries to ask carefully but Harry stops him.

"I never cheated on you." Harry replies quicky, not letting Louis finish his sentence.

"I know Haz." Louis smiles. "Just thought have you ever done that to anyone?"

"Mm." Harry nods. "I don't wanna talk about it. Not my proudest moment. But believe me, I wouldn't have ever done that to you." He promises.

"Believe me when I say the same?" Louis questions. He probably doesn't still believe him.

"I do believe you." His heart skips a beat. Believes him, now? Does he really? Is he playing around? If he believes him now, did they waste all those years apart?

"What?" Louis frowns his eyebrows and sits up a little bit. "You do? Now you believe?"

"I have for a while. I wanted to text you earlier, but I was too much of a pussy to do that, too stubborn. When I finally had the courage, I had to make it casual, you know,, like a booty call..."

"Seriously? Why would you do that? You could have just said that to me straight? Like-"

"I still love you." Harry stops him, looking at Louis straight in the eyes, sounding very serious. Louis' spine shivers down all of his body. His mouth opens up a little bit since he feels like he can't breathe properly.

"What?" He asks finally after a while.

"I still love you, Louis. I can't help it. It doesn't go away, not even with four years away from you. You're too... I haven't met anyone like you." He admits, getting emotional.

"But... But-" Louis can't get a word out of his mouth. Why does he say all these things suddenly now? Out of nowhere? He knows Louis has Max, they're happy... Well, not at the moment. But he still knows. What does he expect Louis to say?

"You don't have to say anything. I'm really sorry that I tried to get you back earlier. I know you have moved on with your life, like you should had. I did you wrong, and you shouldn't swell on because of it." Harry explains, showing no emotion, well maybe a little bit but his face doesn't look sad, not happy, not anything.

"Why are you suddenly saying these things?"

"I just,,, wanted to come clean. You would had found out anyway at some point. Now I don't have anything to hide." Harry shrugs, tries to smile a little.

"Jesus." Louis lets out a sigh, and scratches his forehead. Sometimes Harry doesn't make any fucking sense.

"Well, do you have anything to confess?" Louis gets quiet, looks down and thinks for a while. Then he lifts his head back up to Harry's eyes.

"I think I still love you too."

**