Bonus: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Nine Years Ago

"Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree for meBeen an awful good girlSanta baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight"

I sang softly along to the music playing over the speakers as I put ornaments on the Christmas tree. The lovely smell of the Douglas fir filled the air, which filled me with joy. The lights twinkled so beautifully-it was gorgeous. I heard the elevator doors slide open and I turned my head to see who it was there. Steve was standing there with a few presents under his arm. He was all bundled up and just looked adorable. That man can make anything look good.

"Santa baby, a 54 convertible tooLight blueI'll wait up for you dearSanta baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight"

"Hey doll. You look cozy." Steve says with a smile as he walks further into the room. He was right; I was cozy. Fuzzy socks, a red Christmas sweater, and nice warm sweatpants. Of course I can heat myself up, but it was winter in New York. I was going to wear cozy clothing. I took the presents from his hands and placed them under tree, fitting them in with the dozens and dozens of other presents. I had decided to set up the Christmas tree at the base while the others were out on a mission with Natasha.

"Thanks, Steve. I'll dress up on Christmas, but not now" I smile at him and lean up to kiss him softly. His hand moves to rest on the small of my back as he kisses back. Steve pulls away, smiling down at me.

"Think of all the fun I've missedThink of all the fellas that I haven't kissedNext year I could be just as goodIf you'll check off my Christmas list"

"Do you need help?" He asks softly, motioning to the tree. I bite my lip as I look at the tree.

"From you? Of course." I say with a smile as I look back at him. His smile never leaves his face as he moves to carefully pull out a glass ornament out of the large red box. I continued to softly sing along as we put the ornaments on. A fire roared in the fireplace, stockings were hung over the mantle. It was warm and sweet.

"Santa baby, I wanna yachtAnd really that's not a lotBeen an angel all yearSanta baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight"

"I didn't realize you and Tony were so....festive?" Steve asks as he carefully hangs a homemade snowman ornament that Tony made when he was drunk one time. I chuckle as I hang a red glass ball.

"December is a sore spot for us so we make it up with Christmas." I respond with a small smile as I continue to sing. Steve smiles.

"Santa honey, one little thing I really needThe deedTo a platinum mineSanta baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight"

"Y'know, didn't think you were a Christmas song type of girl, Pey." He responds as he hangs a candy cane. I use my powers to float up and hang ornaments on higher branches.

"Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplexAnd checksSign your 'X' on the lineSanta cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight"

"I love Christmas. It makes people less shitty." I tell him before smirking, "And besides red's my color and it gives me an excuse to wear more of it." Steve chuckles, shaking his head. I change the song by clicking a remote. My eyes widen slightly before I grab the remote, letting my worries slip away.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I don't care about presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come trueeeeee, all I want for Christmaaaaas is yoooooooooou!" I sing along to the Mariah Carey classic while pointing at Steve. He stands there, trying not to laugh.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas.There is just one thing I need and I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace. Santa Claus won't make me happy with toy on Christmas Daaaaaaay!"I sing into my prop microphone, dancing along to that fucking EXTRA festive version. Steve's in stitches as I continue to serenade him, dancing around like an idiot. It's a sweet, carefree moment between us. Soon I'm laughing too hard and Mariah Carrey fades into Elvis Presley.

"A great performance, really. I'm shocked you're not a singer." Steve teases me, a huge grin on his face. I roll my eyes, tossing the remote onto the couch.

"Shut up, Rogers. You enjoyed every damn minute of this." I retort, walking towards him. I wrap my arms around his neck and he pulls me close. I look up at him, an idea springing to my mind.

"You've never seen Home Alone, haven't you?" I question and Steve shakes his head. I smile and peck his lips before telling him, "Oh, you're in for a treat."

-

"What type of parents just leaves their kid? Are they going to go back for him?" Steve asks, tossing a handful of popcorn into his mouth as we sit in the movie theater room that Tony and I decided was a "must have" for the base.

"Please stop ruining the movie for me, you're hurting my feelings." I respond, leaning against him.

"I'm just saying-They're horrible parents. How do you forget a whole child?" Steve questions, motioning to the TV. I sigh, not wanting to tell him that there's another Home Alone movie.

"One, it's a movie and two, wasn't the first movie you watched something like "Man Waves at Train"?" I question, looking up at him. Steve gives me a look in response.

"Ha ha. We had movie-movies, doll." He responds and I roll my eyes.

"Can you at least appreciate that the one we are watching is in color?" I add and he sighs, murmuring something about how they did have films in technicolor. Steve pulls the bright red fluffy blanket over us, even though both of us are mini furnaces.

-

I run to each and every room, my fuzzy socks letting me slide across the tiled floor as I knock on the doors, calling on each of the inhabitants to wake up. I slip and slide to the Christmas tree, the others following me begrudgingly. Wanda is the last one to wander into the room,looking out of place. I motion her to take a seat.

"You do realize we aren't five year olds, right?" Sam asks, yawning as he moves to take a seat in front of the tree. Steve and Natasha were the only ones that smile at me as I move around the tree, handing presents to each person in the room, expect for Wanda. She looks slightly upset, until I gather her eight presents, walking them over to the woman who is partially responsible for me losing my child. She looks up with wide eyes.

"You didn't let us know that you're Jewish, Wanda, so you missed out on eight days of presents. I know that isn't everything about Hanukkah, but I decided something was better than nothing." I tell her and for once, she doesn't look terrified of me. I smile back and I sit back next to Steve.

"Please, everyone, open your damn presents." I say cheerfully. I lean slightly against Steve, saving his present for last. I tear into Sam's present, carefully opening the cardboard box. When I see what's inside, I immediately laugh. I lift up the shirt, which says "Bad Bitch" in a baby pink cursive font.

"I didn't know what to get you, but Natasha says you like dumb presents and I thought you'd love it." Sam explains and I grin, nodding.

"I do. I do love it." I respond before setting it aside and carefully opening Nat's present. She wasn't going to be eating with us today. No, she was going to be going to Clint's to spend Christmas with his family in the middle of fucking nowhere. Don't be bitter. Inside of the box was a smaller black box. I carefully lift up the black box and open it, seeing a necklace with two stones on it. I was slightly confused, but luckily there was a small notecard.

Sestra-

I know you're a little confused about the necklace, especially with me not being there to explain it to you. I did some math and calculated to my best ability what the birth months of your two children would be. The two stones are their birth stones. A diamond for your first one and garnet for your second. I thought you would like to have them with you, in some form.

Merry Christmas

I practically started bawling right then and there.

-

Five Years Ago

It was snowing in New York City, which makes sense since it was December. December 24, to be exact. Christmas Eve. It was going to be Benjamin's very first Christmas and it was our first Christmas that wasn't going to be on the run. It was also the first Christmas after Thanos took out half of the universe. Obviously, we had a lot of things going on, but that didn't stop me from wanting to have a great Christmas with my family.

"You're rolling the cookie dough out wrong, Tones. It's sticking to the rolling pin." I scold him lightly, reaching into the bag of powdered sugar and covering his wooden rolling pin with it.

"Tell me why are we making cookies for Santa if Benny doesn't understand all of that?" Tony questions as he continues to roll out the dough. I sigh, punching out various holiday themed shapes.

"Because, Tony, it's apart of being festive." I respond, carefully putting the cookies on the sheet pan. Christmas music was playing throughout the living room and kitchen of my newly purchased home in Brooklyn. The scent of sugar cookies and Douglas fir filled the room. Pepper laughed from her seat across from us, a mug of hot chocolate in her hands.

"How many cookies are you guys making?" Pepper asks, setting the mug down. My timer rings and I walk over to the oven, grabbing the trays with my bare hands.

"That will never not terrify me." Steve says, announcing his presence, "Also, look who decided to wake up." In his huge arms is our sweet little boy, dressed in his Christmas pajamas. All three of us turned his focus onto Benny, who is wide awake. I set the trays of cookies down on the stove top, smiling at the two.

"Pepper, we are making a lot of cookies seeing that the people that are coming tomorrow eat more than should be humanly possible. Especially him." I answer her question, pointing a finger towards Steve as he chuckles, sitting down next to Pepper. My brother's eyes are still on Benny, stopping his cookie making to catch my son's attention. My heart warms at the sight of my little family, together for the first in a few years.

-

Four Years Ago

Waking up beside Steve this Christmas morning was a little harder. I could tell by his breathing that he was still asleep, fast asleep. It was way too early. It was nice to actually see him this morning. I thought he would have left to go workout or something. Something to distance us apart. He didn't come with me last night to Pepper and Tony's. Said something about how he was needed with his little grief circle. I hope he was with them, God I hope he was only with them.

I slip out of the bed, not even causing him to stir. I wrap my robe around my body and step into a pair of slippers. I make my way out of the room and down the hallway. I walk down the stairs and start prepping everything. I drag Benny's presents from Santa out of where I had hidden them. I highly doubt there was any presents for me under this tree. Steve has had his head shoved so far up his own ass that I doubt he has done anything for Christmas.

I turn on all of the lights before starting to make coffee. I wasn't going to wake up Steve. He can wake up on his own. I sigh and walk over to wear the stockings are hanging over the fireplace. I fill both Benny's and Steve's. It was my husband's job to fill mine-that's why it's fucking empty. 

I walk back over to my now finished coffee, looking down at the dark liquid as I walk over to the fridge. Multiple bottles that sat on the counter called out at me, asking me use them. I shake my head and open the fridge, pouring the necessary amount of creamer into the mug. I lean against the the counter and drink my morning coffee.

It was going to a long day.

-

Now

I make the annual journey to the cemetery alone. It's the first time in years that I've gone alone to visit Mom and Dad. I grip the umbrella I'm holding over my head in one hand while clutching three bouquets of roses in the other. My heels sink slightly into the muddy grass as I make my way through the graves.

Even with our abilities, it's too cold to bring Benny and it's way way too cold to bring Neddy. Hell, even though I am keeping my body temperature way above normal, I still find it chilly. My mother's pearls around my neck are freezing and it's sending shivers down my spine. I think it's worth it when I stand in front of the two similar graves. Mom and Dad were buried on top of each other and Tony was to be forever by their side.

"Hey guys. It's me." I announce softly, using my powers to dry the grass and mud on the ground so I can sit in between them. I place two bouquets on Mom and Dad, one on Tony's. I don't get a response, of course.

"Sorry I didn't bring Benny or Neddy. I don't want them to get sick, I hope you guys understand." I clarify, fiddling with the flowers. Both my parents and my brother are silent. I sit back on my heels, bare legs against the cold ground. Tears are brimming my eyes as emotion fills me throat.

"God, I miss you guys. It's hard doing all of this by myself. And I know-I know that I'm not alone, but I feel like I am. I don't have my family anymore." I confess, hands fiddling with my dress, "Yeah I have my boys and I have Pepper and Morgan, but I don't have you guys and I know, I know that I didn't have Mom and Dad for as long as you did Tony, but God, I miss them so much. Without you two, I wouldn't have any of this and I'm so-so grateful for that. I hope you know that."

Tears roll down my cheeks and I just let them flow down, taking makeup with it.

"I miss you so much, Tony. I really do. I don't understand how I managed to be away from you for three years because it's so hard. I-I just need you. No one gets me as well as you did. You were-You were the best brother I could have ever asked for. I should have been more open you, I know that now. I wish I could go back and redo everything. I wish I could go and tell you every little thing that happened I just-I just want you back." I tell him, my voice thick with emotion.

"I'm taking care of them, I'm doing my best. Trying to take care of myself. I just want everything to be okay. Just want to make you guys proud." I look at my family in front of me, my Stark family, "Just want to make you guys proud."

-

Natasha's body is still on Vormir, so we had to bury an empty casket, but I made sure she got the nicest one money could by. I'm clutching yellow roses. They're supposed to symbolize friendship, although I bought them because Natasha hated the color yellow. She thought it was one of the ugliest colors ever. She'd see the humor in me buying her bright yellow flowers.

It doesn't matter what she had done to me while she was alive. Natasha was still like a sister to me. I was going to mourn her regardless. I can still feel sad that she's gone and be upset with what she did to me.

"Hey Tasha, sorry I didn't bring your nephews. Didn't want them to get sick." I tell her as I do the same ritual that I did attempt first stop. I kneel on the ground beside her grave, fixing the flowers on her grave, "I'm also sorry that I haven't visited you. Things have gotten...difficult. I'm sure you would have eased some of these difficulties, sestra."

"Steve left me with a surprise before he left me. I know you wanted me to have as many children as possible because you loved spoiling Benny and well I had another one. His name is Edward Nathan Grant Stark-Rogers. Edward for Tony, Nathan for you, and Grant for Stevie." I say with a smile, the scent of roses and rain filling my nose. I trace my fingers over her full name that was engraved onto the stone

"I wish we could have at least brought you back. You deserve to be here, not out in space." I tell her, letting the water that was on my fingers turn into steam. My throat thickens with emotion as I continue, "I am still working on forgiving you and Steve. I'm trying, Nat. I am."

-

My feet carry me into a much older cemetery in another part of the city. The headstones are much older here, no longer cared for and visited. Two more bouquet of roses are grasped in one hand and even through neither of them died on this day, I still make my way towards the newest grave and one of the oldest. I do the same ritual, drying the ground before kneeling upon it, putting a bouquet on each grave. 

"Hi Mrs. Rogers, hi Stevie." I say softly, tucking a strand behind my ear as I sit back on my heels, "I decided to visit you today as well, hope you don't mind."

The rain is now just a drizzle, hitting the ground around me just a little bit lighter. My hand reaches out to trace my husband's name on his marble headstone.

"Benny misses you a lot. He's looking more and more like you everyday. Neddy-well there's some of you in there. It's still a little too early to tell." I tell Steve, a small smile on my face, "I caught Benny asking Bucky and Sammy about you the other day. He told them that he couldn't ask me because I always get too sad about you. He isn't wrong. No matter what you did to me, I still miss you. I miss every bit of you."

"I wish you would have stayed. I wish you could help me raise them. I'll never understand why you left. Never."

-

The next day, instead of lingering in the sadness, I decided to bring some joy into the house. I know I should be doing something more productive. I know that, okay? But I also know that it's December and that my family is going to have an extremely hard Christmas since it's our first Christmas without Steve, Tony, and Natasha. It's a shitty situation no matter what I do.

And that's why there was a huge Christmas tree being set up in the middle of the foyer, it's back to the staircase. Another tree, a real one, was currently being set up in the living room. Boxes and boxes of Christmas decorations filled both the foyer and kitchen. At least two candles from Bath and Body Works filled each room with Christmas-y scents.

"Jesus, it looks like Santa threw up in here." Sam announces as he and Bucky walk into the house. I smile at them, shifting the Baby Björn currently holding Neddy to my chest. The twinkling lights casted everything in a warm glow.

"Well seeing that you two and some of our lovely friends haven't had a true holiday season in five years and since it's going to be a very hard Christmas-well might as well just make it as fun as possible." I explain, leading them into the regular living room.

"I don't think I've celebrated a Christmas in over seventy years." Bucky announces and I nod.

"Exactly. So we have to gave a good one. For everyone's sake." I tell them both, hoping that it would fix some things. Sam smiles at me, before he and Bucky walk away. I let out a sigh, watching as the people I hired brought more and more things inside. My eyes looked down at Neddy, who was still strapped to my chest.

"We're gonna be okay. We'll be okay." I murmur to him softly, for my sake more than his.