69-Stuck in the Middle With You

Two Months Later

"Miss Stark? Can I ask you a really big favor?" Peter asks, walking into my lab at Avengers tower. I look up from the Iron Man style helmet I was making, standing up a bit straighter as I slide the welding goggles up onto top of my head. I'm sure it messed up my perfect little ponytail, but I didn't really mind that. The kid and I have gotten closer since my brother's untimely demise. He's practically an older brother to Benny and Morgan at this point. I've taken the kid under my wing, helping him whenever he needed it. Ever since I went through a small stint in mental hospital, went on a few antidepressants, I've been trying to do better, but it's hard. It'll always be hard. I had make up on my face once more and I was wearing heels. Hell, I was even dressed in a pencil skirt and a blouse. I'm sure from far away, I looked back to normal. My mind, however, wasn't perfect.

Apparently, when you say you want to kill your self, there is no going back from that. You have to get some type of help. I'm trying and I'm only trying for Benny. I'm taking my pills, going to therapy. I don't want my son to get taken away. He's the last thing I have so I got to be good. I have to. But when you do something like snap your fingers while wearing an Infinity Gauntlet, your mind is permanently fucked up. My time in the mental hospital taught me that. Four small children have been visiting my dreams ever since I had seen them. They watch me as my brother's dead eyes stay on me. It was haunting and horrifying and trust me I'm trying to deal with it in therapy.

"Of course, Peter. What do you need?" I respond. His eyes glance down at the helmet and he smiles ever so slightly, but it's a sad one. I sigh and look down at the child size Iron Man helmet, explaining to him, "Pepper told me that Morgan really missed her father and I'm making this for her-so she has a tie to him. I don't want her to forget him."

"That's really nice Miss Stark-Anyway I-my teacher is taking us on a field trip and he really needed chaperones and Aunt May was going to do it but then she found out she can't get out of work that day and-" Peter is obviously nervous and my heart swells with happiness as he nervously looks at me, "Do you think you can take me?" It doesn't take me long for me to respond. God, I'm such a fucking mom. It should be noted that I have four children at the moment-Benjamin, Bucky, Sam, and Peter. Also:

My Children In The Order I Like Them:1. Benjamin2. Peter 3. Sam4. Bucky

"Of course. I just need to ask Buck and Sam to see it they can watch Benjamin for a bit okay?" I tell him and Peter nods happily. I practically felt Tony resting his hand on my shoulder, whispering a soft thank you. Peter smiles at me before suddenly hugging me. I am a little shocked, but I hug him back, my arms wrapping around him tightly. The kid is very emotional, but I completely understand why he is.

"Thank you, Miss Stark. You're the best." AHe tells me and I pat his back as he pulls away. The big smile is still on his face. My therapist says I need to do things that'll make me happy-so maybe, hopefully this'll make me happy.

"No problem, Peter. Just don't tell anyone how nice I'm being to you. I don't want others to think I'm getting soft alright?" I tell him and Peter nods happily. He picks something up, fiddling with it. I smirk ever so slightly, instantly reading him.

"So is that girl you have a huge crush on going on the field trip too?" I ask, teasing him ever so slightly. Peter's eyes widen ever so slightly as he looks at me. I go back to working on the helmet, still smirking.

"How did you even-How?" He asks, a little shocked and I chuckle. The kid is blushing hardcore.

"Parker, I'm a mom. We have a sense about these things."

-

"No." Bucky says from the dining room table. I narrow my eyes at him as Sam and I clean up the mess from dinner. In order to make sure I wasn't killing myself, Sam had moved into the extra guest bedroom after I had ranted that night. Apparently Steve had pushed him to do it, like how he pushed Bucky towards staying with me. So, Benjamin and I were under the watchful eyes of the new Captain America and the old and unhappy Winter Soldier. Lucky us, right? That was sarcasm. I hope you noticed it. I can't be too unhappy with them living with Ben and I. They do so much for me, especially when I can't because of my mind. Doesn't stop them from still being assholes though.

"Why are you so against her going with the kid? We can handle Ben, Pey. Don't worry about the asshole." Sam tells me, but it doesn't calm the slight anger I feel towards my husband's-well I suppose ex-husband's best friend. He's been acting like this, like I'm a burden to him somehow-even though I pay the bills and he doesn't have to do shit. Hell, I was the one who made sure that Bucky wasn't going to be charged with anything when everything settled. Bucky still shakes his head, taking a swig of his beer. It was good that Benjamin had already been excused from the table to go play in his room. I don't want him to witness a murder.

"Why does he need you to go? He's a grown ass kid." Bucky responds and I grip the chair in front of me, nails digging into the wood. I don't mind ruining the furniture I had bought. I wanted to slam the heel of my Louboutins into his eye, but sadly they were already put away upstairs. And besides, I wouldn't want to ruin such a good pair of shoes.

"He's sixteen and he asked me. He doesn't have any other adult figure in his life other than his aunt and she can't go. Peter would've probably asked Tony, but he can't exactly go, now can he?" I ask and Bucky presses his lips into a firm line. I know Sam has stopped cleaning behind me just in case something happens. I haven't brought up my brother's death around either of the men since the funeral or my little outburst. However, I'm not exactly done twisting the knife. I don't give a fuck anymore.

"Look, I didn't ask for you to babysit Ben and I, okay? Steve did. He decided that would make me feel better about him abandoning the both of us and it hasn't. So if you can't fucking help me, I'll fucking have Happy watch Ben." I snap at Bucky. The super soldier stands up after angry slamming down his beer. The brown glass bottle shatters on the table, sending beer and glass everywhere.

"Steve didn't fucking abandon you-" He starts, walking towards me and I quickly cut him off. I'm full on glaring at him at this point, knuckles turned white with how hard I'm gripping the chair. Even though I'm in this pencil skirt, I could totally take him down. The shirt is loose enough to move in. If he wants to start shit, I'll end it. The shards of the broken bottle of beer float up into the air and they surround Bucky. Bucky doesn't move as the glass moves closer and closer, his grey eyes glaring right back at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry. He left his son and his wife to go live a much better life with Peggy Carter. How fucking dare I get it wrong! You don't get to say shit to me, Buck. You knew. You knew what he was going to do and you didn't even try to talk him out of it. He abandoned you, me, Ben, Sam, all of us." I practically shout back, looking at both men. That was another thing we didn't talk about, or at least something Sam and Bucky didn't talk about in front of me. Neither of them said a word and I lowered myself into my chair, trying to hold myself together. The shards fell to the floor. But a single tear rolls down my cheek. Breathe, one two three. Breathe, one two three.

"Within days of me losing one of closest friend and me losing my brother, losing the only family I really had-Steve left me. He left me when I needed him most, when Ben needed his father most. I probably made the decision easier because I was catatonic-and he decided to leave. What kind of person does that?" I say, my voice thick with emotion as more tears slip out, "You two only look at it as Steve finally living the life he missed out on. That's all you want to see it as. You don't want to see it as a husband abandoning his wife at her lowest point in life. You don't want to see it as a father abandoning his child. You don't want to think of him like that. But that's what he did. How is that okay? How am I the bad guy in this situation? I gave him everything and he threw it away." That's when I break down and I sob into my hands. Neither of the men do anything to comfort me. They know it's better to just let me cry. Part of my therapy was that I needed to be honest about what I was feeling.

"Why is my mommy crying?" I can hear Ben's little soft voice say and I look up, seeing him standing in the door way. He's clutching the teddy bear Natasha had gotten him. I force myself to stop crying, wiping away my tears. I stand up, walking over to him. Be strong, sestra, Natasha whispers to me. Am I losing it? I reign my emotions in. I was a mixture of emotions at the moment.

"I'm not crying, baby. You know how sometimes laughs can sound like crying? I was just laughing at Uncle Sammy's joke. It was really bad." I tell him, smiling at him. Ben looks confused, but I guide my son away from the two men, trying to pull my emotions back. I get Benjamin ready for bed, helping him dress in some dinosaur pajamas. I watch as he brushes his teeth, standing on a little stepping stool. When he's done, I follow my son back to his room. I sit on his bed, letting him climb in by himself. He's getting so big so fast. I thought other parents were so fucking annoying when they would say that but God damn it they were right. Benjamin gets under his covers and wow, he truly does look like Steve. It makes my heart hurt. You're okay, Tony tells me, you'll be okay.

"Is daddy going to come back?" Benjamin asks me suddenly, those damn blue eyes looking up at me. I tuck him into his bed, pressing my lips together as I attempt to keep my emotions together. Just like mom would've. You can hide anything with enough make up and a set of pearls. However, I don't want to be dishonest with my son.

"No, he isn't." I tell him almost bluntly and he pulls his teddy bear close, his eyes still not leaving me. I maneuver myself to lay down next to him, pulling him close. We barely both fit on the bed, but I don't mind it. I've been told by the parents of Ben's classmates to savor moments like this. I kiss his forehead and softly whisper, "I'm so sorry, baby."

-

After Benjamin fell asleep, I went outside to sit in the backyard on a lawn chair. My arms were wrapped around my knees. You can't see the stars from the light pollution, but that's excepted in New York City, right? The sliding glass door slides open and I don't bother looking to see who it is. I can't escape the fucker; he lives in the same house.

"I'm sorry for getting mad at you and making you cry." Bucky says as he sits down on the chair next to me, two bottles of beer in his hands. I still don't look at him so apparently this invites him to talk more. You left me with your two lost puppies, Rogers. Thanks a lot.

"I don't know what you're going through. I don't know what you're feeling. I'm pissed at him too, okay? I'm just trying to-to rationalize it. Part of me is glad just to have my best friend back but I don't exactly like how he treated you. I want to punch him, beat him to a pulp, but that won't help us." Bucky spills and he still isn't done, "He made me promise that I was going to stay here and make sure you and Ben are okay so that's what I'm going to do."

"You don't have to. You can go and make your own damn life. Hell, you can go to what he did." I respond and he chuckles drily. I finally turn my head to look at him. There's a bittersweet smile on his face. His eyes are distant.

"There's no place for me in the past and there's no real place for me out there. This is all I got." Bucky tells me and I nod. I let out a sigh, resting my chin on my knees.

"Starks are very known for taking in sad little orphans so might as well take you in." I tell him and he nods, chuckling ever so slightly.

"Lucky me, I guess. I brought you a peace offering." Bucky says with a smile, lifting up a bottle of beer. I shake my head.

"I'm sober. Have been for almost ten years now." I respond and Bucky's eyes soften ever so slightly. I snort before continuing, "Let's just say I liked alcohol and drugs a little too much. I got myself clean to prove a point."

"Aren't you a ray of fucking sunshine?" Bucky asks with a grin and I chuckle, leaning back in my chair.

"If I'm a ray of sunshine, you're a fucking rainbow." I respond, watching Bucky shake his head as he takes a sip from one of his beers. Suddenly, he realizes something. Bucky sets the beers down as he reaches into his pocket. He pulls out an all too familiar vibranium ring and a small vintage gold ring. They rest in his vibranium hand and I look at them. I look down to my bare left hand, seeing the discolored skin where my rings had sat for almost eight years.

"He wants you to have them back. Says that they belong to you, not him." Bucky Barnes tells me and I swallow the lump in my throat that's growing. I carefully take the rings, letting them rest in my hand as I look at him, studying them. Bucky watches me as a small smile appears on my face. Sarah Roger's ring and the vibranium band. These rings belong to both Steve and I and they always will be.

"You still love him, don't you?" He asks me suddenly and I look up at Bucky, my smile not fading. It's a sad smile and he knows it.

"Of course I still love him. We together for ten years, married for eight. I'm the mother of his children, both living and dead. My heart will always belong to him, no matter how much he hurts me." I confess to Bucky, tears shining my eyes as I look down at the rings, "Every morning, I wake up wishin' that this was all a dream, a bad fuckin' dream. I look across my pillow and I expect to see him there, barely waking up. His blue eyes slowly opening and he'd smile at me. Everything would be okay, but he's never there. It's just me, alone in that bed. I wish I could I hate him, I really do."

"If you want, I can totally beat him up for you. I don't have any qualms about beating him up. I think we are the same age, doll." Bucky responds, giving me a small smile. That nickname, that pet name hurt my heart. I shut my eyes for a moment. You're okay, Natasha tells me soothingly. I slip the rings onto my ring finger, pulling my knees tightly to my chest. It's a start, putting the rings back on. It's not me being okay with what Steve did to me. It's me accepting that I will always love Steven Grant Rogers, no matter how much he hurts me.

"It's okay. I just cleared your name, I don't want to have to bail you out of jail for beating up an old man." I respond, looking at the assassin. Bucky chuckles, take another sip of the beer. I know that he isn't drunk and he won't be getting drunk off of the beers he had. It takes a lot more to get a super soldier drunk than a regular beer. I let my knees fall and lean back into the chair. The weight of the rings felt comfortable, felt normal on my hand.

"Thank you for that. And thank you for bringing everyone back." Bucky tells me and I nod. I look up at the night sky. The entire galaxy was thankful for what I did. I've gotten letters from people praising me for doing what I did-I don't even know who had leaked that it was me who had first snapped their fingers. But the world knew what I did. I was the one who had created a grateful universe, not Thanos.

"It's my job. Or it was."