68-Silhouettes

I stayed inside the house in Brooklyn for maybe a week. I know it's horrible, okay? I really do. But what was I supposed to do? My brother, the only family I had, was gone. My best friend was dead. My husband? He abandoned his son and me. I have lost so much in this life. More than one person can handle. I only talked to Benjamin, but that barely counted as conversation. I didn't even look at Bucky. He was a piece of shit for not telling me and you cannot convince me otherwise. Steve stopped calling my phone, presumably because Bucky or Sam had told him to. Steven Grant Rogers was dead to me.

Happy took my son to school, picking him up every morning. I felt like a shitty mom because I couldn't take him but I just couldn't leave the house. I didn't want anyone to see me like this-hell I didn't want my son to see my like this. I couldn't handle it. The dark circles under my eyes got darker. I was barely eating. I wish I had some of my old vices to turn to, but I wasn't ready to stumble back into that dark world. Yes you are, just do it.

The government has been trying to get into contact with me, but all of those messages and calls have gone to Nick Fury instead. I was no longer director of the Avengers. There was no Avengers anymore. Thor was in space, Clint went back into retirement, Bruce fucked off somewhere to mourn Natasha and I didn't want to reunite the team. There was no need to. I did what I said I would do. I helped bring everyone back. They could all fuck off for awhile.

I pinched the bridge of my nose as I waited for my coffee to brew. The house was awfully quiet. Benjamin was at school and Bucky probably was visiting Steve or working out with Sam. The new Captain America told me that he was thinking about moving in, just to make sure I was doing okay. I think that's code for babysitting. I think it's safe to say that my family is worried about me. They're not being very subtle about it. Pepper constantly asked if I wanted to do brunch or if Benjamin and I wanted to come upstate to "breathe". Fury offered me a high ranking position. Sam (most likely told by either Happy or Steve) cleared out any alcohol that was in the house. Bucky always made sure that I ate something before he left. They were all waiting for me to shatter. I was waiting for it too.

And just like that, the little breakfast I had ate this morning reared it's ugly head and forced its way out of me and into the sink. I gripped the marble countertop as I puked it out. I couldn't keep anything down since Natasha and Tony died. Apparently, severe grief can cause nausea. I mean, that's what the psychiatrist told me. I washed the vomit away and washed my mouth out before grabbing my cup of coffee. I poured my creamer into mug, carefully stirring it before making my way back upstairs. I wrapped floral silk robe tighter around me, drinking the much needed caffeine.

I walked past Bucky's room, past Benjamin's. I was just about to walk into my bedroom when my feet stop. I turn to look at the closed door, the dust covering the handle. The knot in my throat tightened ever so slightly and I reached out, twisting the black knob. I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The light shone brightly through the window, illuminating the white crib and rocking chair. There was a dresser covered by white sheet. Old stuffed animals sat in the crib. The room smelled musty, but that makes sense since no one has been in here in over four years. I move to sit down in the dusty rocking chair, gripping my coffee cup.

"Steve, don't you think it's a little too early for this?" I ask, a smile on my face as I watch him move Benjamin's old crib into the extra room. We had just gotten Ben a new little bed and other furniture and Steve decided, since we had just found out I was pregnant, that we should be getting the nursery ready.

"Nope. I want to make sure everything is okay. See what we need." He tells me with a smile as he puts the crib into the position he wants. I lean against the door frame. He was so excited, so so excited. Steve smiles and walks over, leaning down to kiss me. I kiss him back, cupping his cheek. I was so happy. So happy.

I was so happy. A few days after that, I started bleeding and I-I was in so much pain. I couldn't move. Steve had to pick me up and put me in the car. I was screaming, crying about my baby. I turned into myself, wouldn't talk to Steve about what happened to me. I went away after that. The doctor said I needed to be away. Called it mixture of postpartum depression and grief. So many pills, so many doctors. Steve shut up this room, didn't talk about it after I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That I couldn't even think about having another.

Tears were running down my cheeks as I gently touched my stomach. I wish-I wish I would've just shut up and pushed my feelings aside. I wish I would've had another one because then Steve would've stayed-Maybe he wouldn't have left. I cover my mouth as I cry. I can't cry too much because then the door bell downstairs rings. I stand, still clutching my coffee mug in one hand, before making my way out of the room. I carefully walk down the steps, moving to the front door, leaving my mug of coffee on a table. I open the door and there isn't anyone outside, but there is a box there, sitting on my doormat. I looked around before picking the box up and kicking the door shut behind

I sat down on the couch and opened the box. Inside was a multitude of things, but the main thing that catches my eye is a small metallic circle. It was a hologram projector. I got up and sat the projector down on the floor, pressing play on it before sitting back down. My brother suddenly appears before my eyes.

"Hey there, Pey. Obviously, if you're watching this, I'm dead." Tony says as he sits in a chair, his brown eyes on me. My heart pangs ever so slightly because I thought he only made a hologram for Pepper and Morgan, so obviously this is a surprise. Tony presses his lips together, trying to figure out what to say.

"I want you to know that I'm so happy with what you've done with your life, okay? I never thought you'd get married or have a kid or become such a badass hero. Mom and Dad would be so proud of you-I am so proud of you. You're going to be okay without me, okay? You've done it before. You've been through so much and I am so sorry that I'm not going to be there for you whenever you need me, but you're going to be okay. You gotta be a big girl, alright?" Tony says, his voice thick with emotion. He stops for a moment, wiping away his tears. There's tears rolling down my face and I don't even try to wipe away my tears.

"I-I need you to make sure Pepper and Morgan are okay, alright? I need you to do that for me. You have to do the same with Peter, please. I'm need you to do that for me. They're all going to need you. I'm sorry I'm putting all this pressure on you. You don't deserve all this extra shit." Tony says, looking at me, "you're going to be fine though. You managed to put up with me this whole time. You're going to be okay and I know you're going to be okay because you have been through so much.  I love you so much, Pey. You're the best sister I could ever ask for. Kickass and take names. Don't make me haunt you."

"I love you, Tony." I say softly, a small smile growing on my face. My brother, thankfully isn't talking, as if he knew that I was going to respond. He probably did, he knew me all too well.

"Also, make sure my daughter and your son know how amazing I was. Like tell them I was the best person ever. also I want to be the best get uncle so you better make sure Barnes gets second fiddle. Same with Wilson. Rhodey is okay. Alright, love you!" Tony tells me with a smile, tears still in eyes. He lingers for a moment, looking at me. My brother hesitates before he starts to talk once more. Tony's scared, I can tell by the look on his face.

"God-I-I need you to be okay. If something happens to you tomorrow-God, I don't know what I'm going to do if something happens to you. I just want to protect you. You're my family, my sister. I'm useless without you so I need you to be okay. There's-There's been so many times that I wish I could've been there to protect you. With Barton, Murdock, hell I want to beat the shit out of Steve with how he treats you sometimes-I wish I could have protected you from Obadiah. I wish I knew what he had been doing to you. I'm so sorry I didn't stop him-I-I-God I feel sick to even think about it-I'm so fucking sorry, Peyton. I am. I'm sorry. He took my baby sister from me-my baby sister. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from him-I'm so sorry. I-I love you so much, so please be okay, for me." Tony sobs out and I'm sobbing too. We never really talked about what Obadiah Stane had did to me. We didn't talk about how the much much older man would come into my bedroom when I was just a kid. We didn't talk about how that caused my issues with drugs and alcohol. But my brother, my brother saying that it brings all those memories back and there's no one there to comfort me.

"I should've told you this earlier, I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Peyton. I love you, okay? I love you." My brother tells me for the last time before the hologram disappears. I wipe my tears away, letting all the pain wrap itself around me. There's no one me here for me now. So I just sit there and cry.

-

Sam had come over tonight, to see how was I doing. I knew I looked horrible. The dark circles under my eyes, my hair a mess. Sam had brought dinner, some takeout. It made Benjamin happy. He loved takeout anything. I was just sort of happy that I didn't have to cook or taste whatever Bucky had attempted to make. He was a shit cook, just like Steve. Sam luckily didn't bring up anything until I had put Benjamin down for the night and the two men were cleaning up. I sat back down at the table once my son was in bed. The cardboard box wasn't on the couch. I had moved it before Benjamin got home, hiding it among my things in my workroom.

"So how are you doing? You still throwing up?" Sam asks gently and I don't look up from my still full plate of food. I moved the food around with my fork.

"Yes I'm still throwing up. Are you asking or is he?" I question, my voice hoarse as my eyes look up. Sam sighs as he throws away an empty container. It's better if I just cut through the bullshit, better for me.

"We are all worried about you, Pey. Bucky says you haven't left the house in a week." The new Captain America tries to explain and I lean back in my chair. My arms crossing over my chest as I look at Sam. None of this is Steve's business, really any of their business. I'm an adult.

"I lost three people within a few days. I think I'm allowed to mourn." I say and I quickly turn my head to look at Bucky, "Don't dare fucking start with the 'Steve isn't dead.' bullshit."

"Pepper and Rhodey are the ones pushing me to ask, Pey." Sam tells me as he sits down to my right. The mention of my sister in law and my brother's best friend only makes me think of my brother and what he had told me in the message. I press my lips together, trying to control my emotions. Then it comes to me. If they wanted to know how I felt, why not just tell Sam? Why not be honest? That's what they want. If they want it so bad, I'll give it to them. I have nothing to lose.

"Well I fucking miss my brother and best friend, two amazing people who gave up their lives to save the world. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on and live without Tony and Nat, but I have to because Benji needs someone. I wish-I wish I could join them, but I can't. If Steve hadn't done what he had done, I would've done it. I would've been successful this time." I tell Sam, the emotion gone from my voice as I look at him. The man looks shocked with how I casually said it. I raise an eyebrow at him. Nothing to lose.

"Sam, I've lost three children, two sets of parents, my brother, my best friend and now my husband. Do you think I want to be here anymore? I've given everything to this world and look where it's gotten me. You-You know what I'm constantly thinking about, Sam? I wondering what did I do wrong that he decided that he didn't want me anymore. I gave him almost ten years of love. I was married to him for eight of those years. I gave him a beautiful son, made sure we got a house in Brooklyn because that's what Steve wanted. I tried my best, gave him the whole world and my heart and he threw it away to go shack up with my aunt." I tell Sam bitterly, tears in my eyes, "Did you know that when you guys were gone, I got pregnant again. It was a boy and Steve was so excited. And then I lost it. And I-And I was the bad guy because I told him I don't think I could handle another loss. Maybe that was it. Maybe that's why he fucking left me. I mean nothing to him, to anyone."

"He loved you. He still does." Bucky says suddenly, trying to defend his best friend. I laugh humorlessly, my eyes landing on the super soldier. I blink my tears away, anger filling my chest. Nothing to lose. Nothing to lose.

"Love isn't abandoning your wife and child, especially when your wife just lost the only family she has. Love isn't not telling your wife you're leaving behind the life you had. Steve only loved one person and that was Peggy Carter. I was just who he settled for." I respond, tears running down my cheeks as I raise my voice, "Love is helping your husband fight the government for his best friend. Love is staying beside him in hiding when you could just run back home. Love is giving the person you love a child even though you are terrified about what will happen. Love is defending that person whenever you can, protecting them. I love him and it didn't mean shit. He took everything away from me, don't you understand that? I don't want to be here anymore, but I have to. He fucking took away me killing myself because he knows I can't do it because Benjamin needs a fucking parent."

The room is quiet, but I have so much more I need to release. I wipe away my tears. I was itching to break my sobriety with anything. I needed something. I need to feel something.

"You know, I haven't had the best of luck with relationships. But this-this hurts the most and I can't turn to Tony or Natasha because they are gone. I have to pretend like everything is okay for Benjamin-And I can't. I told Steve that I could never raise him on my own and he still left me here. It doesn't matter that he's still here because how the fuck am I supposed to explain to Benjamin that Steve is an old man now, huh? How the fuck am I supposed to be raising my child with an old man? It-It doesn't matter because Steve does not deserve two get happy endings. He chose one and that's all he is getting." I force out, cheeks wet. Neither of the men speak as I sit there and cry. Coke and alcohol would take away this pain, just a snort and sip and you're gold. Do it. Do it. You still know what you need to do when you get that little baggie, don't you? Once a druggie, always a druggie. Over ten years, don't throw that away. Don't. You can't. My fingers tap uneasily against the tabletop. Nothing to lose.

"Maybe we should get you to a doctor." Sam says carefully, leaning his body towards me. I blink, shaking my head.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." I respond, trying to strengthen my voice. I put my hands into my lap, letting the tears run down my cheeks. I was so broken, a shell of who I once was. Sam moves his seat closer, his brown eyes on me.

"Pey, you just said you wanted to kill yourself. We can't just forget that. You need help." Sam tells me, but my eyes don't focus on him. Instead my eyes fill with tears. Should've kept your mouth shut. Should've shut up.