34-The Aftermath

I wake up to some beeping in my ear and my waist feeling stiff. There's a dull ache everywhere, mainly in my abdomen. I open my eyes. The lights are off but I know I'm in a hospital room. I turn my head, seeing my brother sleeping in a chair. I carefully pull back my blanket and my hospital gown, seeing thick bandages wrapped around me. I drop my gown and blankets as footsteps near my room, the lights switching on. I wince, squinting as I try to get adjusted to the light.

"Oh you're awake." Dr. Cho says, a grin smile on her face. Tony stirs in his seat, waking up.  She walks over, messing with my IVs, seeing the look of discomfort on my face. Pain killers fill my veins, taking away the discomfort. It's a safe high. Her eyes meet Tony's, both of them not looking happy. I sigh and drink the water that Tony holds for me. I feel empty and sad as I lay back against the pillow. I feel absolutely idiotic for chasing after Ultron like that. I know that's not why they're not happy. It can't be the only reason. The memories of what happen fill my mind and I finally know what the elephant in the room is.

"Just tell me." I say hoarsely after I can actually speak. Cho sighs and looks at me. She looks pained, like this is somehow her fault.

"We stitched you up the best we can, but we don't have the cradle anymore." She explains, looking at Tony again. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him nod so she continues, "You had great damage to many organs and for the most part we were able to fix some things."

"Stop dancing around it. Just tell me." I practically snap. I knew what she was going to say from what Ultron had said. She nodded, pressing her lips together. It can't be easy for her to say it and I'm not helping at all.

"After your fight with Ultron, you suffered from a lot of internal bleeding. In the process of that, your uterus ruptured." Cho speaks and Tony reaches to hold my hand. I understand completely what she meant, pressing my hand to my bandaged abdomen. Tears brim on my eyelids and I don't want to cry, but a tear slips out. I don't know why I was crying. Ultron had told me what he wanted to take away from me.

"So you removed it?" I ask, my voice small and tiny. Tony squeezes my hand as Cho nods. My hearing becomes muffled, as if I'm underwater. I pull my hand away from Tony, wrapping both arms around myself. With this and the vision from Maximoff, my hard and carefree exterior was ripped away. My hands down rest on my stomach, like I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant, I would rest my hand on my stomach without even thinking of it. I would pretend like I could feel the baby's heart beat.

"That wasn't the only thing, Peyton. We did some blood tests, just to make sure if anything was out of the ordinary." Cho's voice brings me back and I look up at her, my cheeks wet with tears. She isn't looking at me, neither is Tony.  I put two and two together and my heart shatters even further.

"I was pregnant, wasn't I?" My voice is barely audible. The two other people in the room nod. I choke out a sob. That's why Ultron said what he said. It wasn't just to take away any chance, but he knew I was pregnant. I shake my head, pressing my hands into my stomach.

"No no no, please tell me this is just some sort of sick joke." I spit out, looking at my brother and Cho. Matt and I were careful. We were always careful. Oh my God, I didn't know. How the fuck did Ultron know?

"Wanda Maximoff told us that she found out when she first entered your head. She said that she sensed it and told Ultron. Ultron told her that he wouldn't go after you and try to let you survive. She didn't realize, Pey." Tony speaks softly, his hands once again seeking mine. I feel sick. Tony tells me later that I had let out a scream.

-

A few hours later, I heard the door open and out of the corner of my eye, I saw it was Clint. I kept my eyes on the flowers that Steve had left for me, my hands resting on my stomach. The bright yellow sunflowers contrasted heavily with the drab and depressing hospital room. Tony had told me that I had been out for a few days. The whole team was apparently worried about me. Banner was somewhere, Pietro was dead. Ultron was defeated, etc. Yet the team was worried about me, because I had been out and almost down for the count. Tony was gone though. Something about Pepper, I think. That's why Clint probably is here now. My watch dog is gone. My hands rest on my stomach, thinking of my lost child.

"Why are you here? Don't you have a family?" I ask, venom dripping into my words. He sighs and sits bedsides my bed. I turn to look at him. He is looking down at his hands, his wedding ring shining on his hand. It's the first time I've seen it and it makes me feel even sicker. The gold band mocks me. It makes me think of what I did, my sins. Infidelity. That's one of the big ones.

"Peyton, look-"

"No. No you don't get to say shit like that. You have a fucking wife, Clint. You have kids. Leave me the fuck alone." I shake my head and he looks at me. I didn't want him around me. I had to deal with Clint Barton long enough.

"I didn't mean for you to find out like this-"

"Did you mean to start an affair with me? Natasha said that you were going to propose to Laura when we first fucked so why would you sleep with me? " I cut him off, my eyes staring him down. He looks down at his hands, at his ring. "You picked me up from rehab, Clint. I was emotionally unstable."

"I know, Peyton."

"So why did you do it? You knew exactly who I was. I was having the time of my life and you-you weaseled your way into it." I was still looking at him. He looks up at me, shaking his head. He looks like he's tasted something bad. Clint did force his way into my life. It wasn't like we hanged out in the same groups. The only thing we had in common was the fact that we were both agents at SHIELD. That's it.

"You weren't having the time of your life. You were an alcoholic, a drug addict. How many times did you go into rehab during that time?" He almost snaps. Clint doesn't mention the overdose, but why would he? No one mentions it, well no one close to me. I narrowed my eyes at him. He and I both knew I had reasons for my addictions, but the overdose, we never speak of it. No one ever brought it up.

"That didn't stop you from fucking me, did it? The first time we fucked, I was fresh out of rehab. You still came with me wherever I went if I asked you to come. Don't get mad at me. I didn't tell you to cheat on your wife." My words come soaked in poison, "Tell me, do you hit Laura like you hit me? Do you coerce her into sex by pretending you're thinking of your mom? Or is that just with me?"

"I didn't mean to hit you, Pey-" My hoarse laugh cuts him off. The color drains from his face as flames dance on my finger tips. The hospital room was dimly lit so my fire glowed even more. The anger of all the Bennetts sizzled inside of me and it desperately wanted out.

"You didn't mean to? I wouldn't forgive you, I wouldn't have sex with you so you fucking slapped me around. You're lucky that you have a family because I want to kill you for what you did to me. No man get to fucking hit me and get away with it alive." I snap at him, tears brimming my eyelids. Clint presses his lips together as I continue to speak, "You told me to kill my baby, Clint."

"I know I did, but the situation I was in-you have to understand-" I had to control myself so I wouldn't burst into flames. I pressed a hand against my bandaged stomach, looking away from Clint. I'd never get the chance again to have children, that child I had with Clint was one of my only chances. Even though I was not going to have kids because I didn't want to continue on my horrendous family line, but it still hurt like hell that I wouldn't have the choice anymore and it hurt even more that I had once more chance but it was ripped away from me as well. The flames disappear on my hand. He wasn't worth it. Clint Barton would never be worth it again.

"I wouldn't have that choice again you know. Ultron ripped that away from me....You didn't even call when I lost the fucking baby. Tony found me, Y'know. Covered in my own blood, screaming." My voice was soft as I splayed my fingers on the blanket over my stomach. He inhaled sharply, his eyes on my stomach. There's dark circles under his eyes. Apparently Pietro died shielding Clint and a child. I wonder if Clint feels guilty for the speedster's death. I don't mention the child I had just lost. I don't need his pity for that.

"I-I didn't know." Clint murmurs, leaning back in his seat. Tears rolled down my cheeks. That baby was my last chance. I knew that he knew that I had lost the baby. Everyone knew that I had lost a baby. Everyone in the damn world knew.

"You did know, that's the thing. You and the rest of the fucking world knew. I don't know what you thought was going to happen here-" I am cut off by the door opening, revealing Matt and Tony. Clint stands and I wipe away my tears, swallowing hard. Tony glares at Clint as the archer quickly moved to the door. Matt walks into the room, his cane tapping against the ground. His jaw is clenched. I know he knows that I'm crying. And I know that he probably heard a lot of my conversation with Clint. Matt's angry. Tony shuts the door behind he and Clint as Matt pulls the still warm seat closer to my bed. More tears roll down my face as he holds my hand in his.

"Hi there." My voice is slightly raw and Matt gives me a small smile, jaw unclenching. His rough thumb rubbed circles into the back of my hand. I relax back into my pillows, no longer on the defensive. My heart pangs over the little secret I hold, or I used to hold. How am I to tell him? Hey sorry like I didn't call also I was pregnant. Key word: was.

"I was so worried. Especially with what you texted me." He tells me, holding my hand in his. I swallow hard, putting together a quick excuse.

"You don't have to pay attention to that, Matt. I-I was in a bad place and I wanted you to know, just in case." The excuses pour out of my mouth, feeling embarrassed by my moment of weakness. Four little powerful words. His head is tilted up to me and I'm glad he can't see the fact I'm blushing like a school girl. There's butterflies in my stomach, but they aren't the good ones.

"You know how I feel about confessions, Pey. It was very surprising to get that message while I was in a courtroom, but you don't need to apologize for that." Matt says, taking off his glasses. His brown eyes a little glassy. My heart is thumping in my chest and my chest feels a little too tight. Maybe it was too quickly to say something like that. Two years almost three. I feel guilty that I'm not focused on our lost child. I'm selfish.

"When we were fighting Ultron, I thought I was going to die. I honestly didn't plan on making out there alive so I was glad that I told you." My throat hurts even more and he puts his head against my blankets. It's not like I was going to tell him that I was really fucking depressed and feeling like shit, "You don't have to respond. It's okay." He lifts his head, a smile on his face. With a smile like that, all the drama with Clint is wiped away. It's only Matt and me. Tell him, God damn it.

"I love you too." Matt tells me and it's like a weight is lifted off my shoulders (and my heart). Even thought I know that he loves me, guilt gnawed at the pit of my stomach. The baby. The baby.

"I can't give you a family. Ultron ripped that away from me so if you want that, then I'm not your girl." My voice is soft again, my thumb rubbing against the back of his hand. I would've loved a family with Matt. A little Catholic family.

"That's fine. That's fine." He says and smiles at me again. I laugh an ugly, sob like laugh. Tears start to roll down my cheeks and I let go of his hand to cup his cheek. He presses his face into my hand, his scruff scratching my skin slightly.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." I murmur, grinning like a mad woman. He laughs and even though I should be happy in this moment, I still feel empty. I feel like I'm hollow on the inside. I don't think I've ever told a man that I loved him so this should be an exciting moment for me. It should be. I hate myself that I take away his smile.

"Matt, they-they ran a blood test while they were trying to save me and-and they found out I was pregnant." I say, my voice cutting through our happiness like a knife. His smile drops and his features shift. He swallows hard.

"What?" He asks and for once Matt's voice is small. Almost like a child's. It's my turn to swallow hard as tears continue to leak.

"I-I didn't know I was. I wouldn't have gone out there and fought if I knew. I'm so sorry." I want to vomit and he pales. Matt blinks rapidly, trying to keep back tears. One slips out and rolls down his cheek. We don't say a thing. I especially don't speak when he slides a hand over my bandaged stomach. His mouth is moving and his eyes are shut.

He's praying.

-

The next one to visit is Steve. He comes well after Matt leaves and sits next to me while I eat dinner. There's a teddy bear in his hands and he brings it up in order to break the silence.

"Sam gave this to me to give to you. Said you might enjoy it." Steve says, making the bear dance slightly. I force myself to smile. I don't tell him that the bear reminds me of my empty abdomen. I hate that it fills every thought. It looks like a bear you would give a baby. Tears fill my eyes and before I know it, I'm crying.  Steve puts the bear away and tries to console me.

I should be dehydrated with how much I'm crying.

-

Thor visits the next day. For once, his voice is soft. His words are careful. He tells me that he had an inkling since he is also the God of fertility. That's why he had given me the necklace. He thought I knew. He looks sad, like he feels like he could've done something. He tells me that female warriors on Asgard fought while pregnant. I let him hold my hand as he tells me stories of the Valkyrie. I imagine that I could've been pregnant with a little girl. I ignore the Bennett curse and think of a little girl as Thor tells me almost unbelievable tales.

-

Fury visits, bearing flowers. He sets them down and sits next to me. For once, he isn't my boss. He lets me tell him everything. I'm a sobbing mess by the end of it. He kisses my forehead before he leaves and tells me I'm on leave. I don't argue with him for once.

I eat dinner alone. During my lonesome time, I watch the news. They're talking about how the Devil of Hell's Kitchen beat up an entire truck load of men.

-

Pepper, Rhodey, and Tony visit the day after. They bring a wheelchair with them. I'm getting discharged today. No heavy lifting. Pain meds and antidepressants become part of my routine now. A nurse helps me shower before I leave. She changes my bandages and puts me in clean clothes. Tony rolls me out of the room as Pepper and Rhodey carry the get well soon shit.   I clutch the teddy bear Sam got me. Pepper talks to me about physical therapy and how Cho will make sure I'm doing okay. Tony tells me about how the Avengers are going to slowly transfer over to the new base upstate. I don't even try to put a smile on my face as I think of the two babies I've lost. I hold Tony and Pepper's hands on the way home. The car trip to the tower is silent.

Silence is deafening.