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irl, messages

the small amount of alcohol in her system helped her to fall asleep shortly after she finished crying for the night.

anne snuck out of the room once kaia was completely asleep to call marylou downstairs.

matt didn't sleep for one second, he layed awake all night staring at the wall and trying to think of any possible way to get her back, to make her see things the way he did and that he doesn't think she's a bad person.

when kaia woke up in the morning, her mom wasn't in bed and she had gone downstairs to make breakfast.

she opened her phone, clicking on matt's contact and sitting in the chat trying to decide whether or not she should text him, it wasn't too late yet.

he had been on his phone already, looking at her contact and trying to decide the same thing. so when she entered the chat, the typing bubbles popped up even though she wasn't typing.

matt saw this, assuming she was ready to talk to him so he texted first.

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my love ❤kaii don't think i have the energy in myself to beg for you right now but you need to understand that you aren't a bad person and i'm so in love with you.i don't ever want to be with anyone elseplease hear me outcan we just talk?

kai 💋i feel too guilty and i know my insecurity would destroy us even moretheres nothing in the world i want more than to be with you but matt you deserve someone so much better than meplease find a girl that doesnt make you feel like this

my love ❤baby i'm not going to find another girl i dont want anyone else i want youi love you

kai 💋you know i love you but you should move on to someone betteryou shouldnt call me baby itll only make things harder

my love ❤im sorrykai we can talk about this we dont have to breakup over something like thiswhy does you feeling like a bad person mean that we have to breakup

kai 💋because ive been spiraling these past few weeks and i dont want to drag you into it i care about you too muchplease be happy without me matt i cant do this

my love ❤kai you're breaking my heart herei cant be happy without you i want youi will help you through everything youre not dragging me into it i want to help

kai 💋doesnt this whole thing scare you tho?

my love ❤what would scare me

kai 💋if im feeling like this why would you want to be with me anyway

my love ❤because im so madly in love with youyou dont understand i cannot lose you a second time i cant do this

kai 💋dont say thatyou have people there for youi promise youll be okay without me

my love ❤how are you so okay with this?

kai 💋im notbut i have to do this or we'll end up worse

my love ❤baby thats not true we love eachother more than any problem like this we can work through it

kai 💋no mattpls dont make this harderit has to be over

my love ❤no its not overi still love you

kai 💋i love you more

my love ❤then how are you doing thiskai please i really cant live without youbaby pls talk to mekai i love you you're stronger than thisdont leaveits not over it cant bec'moni love youread at 7:49am

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kaia shuts her phone off, sobbing even harder into her mom's pillows. matt is currently numb and he is silently crying, he can't make his body have enough energy to even fully cry.

"breakfast!" kaia's mom shouts from downstairs.

she lays still in bed, clutching onto her necklace from matt. she cries so hard she's shaking, and yet she also can't move.

anne walks upstairs carrying willow in her arms, and opens her bedroom door to see kaia curled up in a ball.

"kai? why are you crying?" willow asks, climbing onto the bed with her sister.

"no reaaon, baby. i'm okay." she wipes her tears, turning her body towards willow.

"but your eyes are wet." she points to kaia's soaked eyelashes.

"go have breakfast with mommy, i'm okay, willy." kaia says.

"can matty come over? he always makes you not sad anymore." willow turns to her mom.

"no, sweetie. he can't today." her mom picks up willow.

"i'm sorry." anne mouths to kaia, carrying willow downstairs.

kaia tries to gain her composure, she manages to get out of her mom's bed and into her own room.

she shuts the door behind her, trying to silence the sound of her sobs with a hand over her mouth and she makes her way to her bed.

matt's hoodie was still laying on the corner of her bed, she let the tears fall as she puts the hoodie on. she could smell his cologne so distinctly, it's like he was still wearing it.

she asks herself if she's making a mistake, but truly believes that matt deserves better.

seeing james was a breaking point. she always swore to herself to never leave matt because she loved him so disgustingly much and didn't wanna see him in the condition he was in when they stopped talking and weren't even in love yet.

she thought that having a messy past with her exes and being as emotional and clingy as she was would drive him away, but he only wanted to be with her and didn't care about anything else.

kaia tucks herself into a ball, her entire body including her head covered by the blanket. she lays under it in darkness, opening her phone to look at her instagram. she sees all the posts with matt, all his comments on her posts, the posts on his account, and it pains her to see how in love they are. or, were.

she still has all the pictures of them in her camera roll, and she can't bring herself to change her wallpaper or delete the posts.

she hopes he won't be mad, but in the state she's in, she absolutely cannot delete the pictures with him off of her instagram. she keeps them up, assuming she'll eventually be strong enough to delete them.

she doesn't want to accept that it's over yet, though she's the one that left him. seeing him and texting him with how fragile he is right now absolutely breaks her heart, and she immediately regrets it.

she keeps telling herself that it's for the better and that if she really loves him, she'll let him be happy and find someone else without her.

if this is really the right thing to do, why does she feel like she's not even alive without him?

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