♡ Why dont you understand? ♡

"What do you want?" Hanbin asked, his hands intertwined with mine.

"We're on a diet, so soy milk and bread." I replied, pouting.

"That's too unfilling. Come on, I'll buy you some ice cream. Chococone?" He asked, opening the door for me.

"Andwaeeee. (Noooo.) I have to drop 2 more kg, you're just going to fatten me up." I groaned, walking into the store and making a beeline for the bread section,searching for the whole wheat kind.

"I think you'll be cuter if you're chubby."

Hanbin laughed, spinning me round so that I faced him, tucking a piece of stray hair behind my ear.

"Ahhh, gwiyeowo~~(Cutie)" He laughed, pinching my face.

"Ya, geuman!! (Stop it!!)" I whined, swatting at him playfully.

Laughing, I got my bread and went over to pay, while Hanbin continued looking around.

"I have 20 minutes left. Do you want to go to the park and just relax?" Hanbin asked once I was done.

"Sure. Gaja~ (Let's go~)"

He smiled, reaching over for my plastic bag before interlocking his other hand with mine.

"Let us go on a picnic, a picnic~~"

Skipping like a five-year-old would, he dragged me along as we ran towards the park, the wind whipping our hair back forcefully.

Panting and dizzy with exhilaration, we settled down onto our usual bench where there was hardly anyone nearby to disturb.

He took his mask off and grinned at me, catching his breathe.

"Morning exercise, right?"

I said sarcastically, grinning back at him, my nose feeling like it was going to fall off soon with cold.

He reached out and pinched my nose, laughing about how it was red.

Annoyed, I rebutted that his was red too, then proceeded to break out into my personal jam of 'Rudolph the red nose reindeer', changing the name to Hanbin.

Halfway through the song, he grabbed my arm and started tickling me, causing me to squirm around excessively, giggling uncontrollably.

"Okok, stop it!!!"

I breathed, settling down onto him and letting my head rest on his chest 

The fast rhythm of his heartbeat drummed against my earlobes, and I smiled, knowing that mine was beating equally fast.

Taking out my phone, I plugged one side of the earpiece into his ear and the other into my own, then proceeded to play iKON songs, starting with My Type.

We just lay there in each other's company,snuggling close, our breathing rhymthic and synchronised.

When a few songs ended, I threw my head back and stared up at the beautiful sky, a question lingering in my mind.

Plucking up my courage to ask him, I finally put it into the words the insecurities I've had for so long.

"When do you think I will debut? What if I can't? I've been training for a year... and I honestly miss my parents in Singapore.. and all my friends..."

A tear slid down my cheeks, hot and blinding. I wiped it away hastily, hoping that he hasn't noticed.

"Keep faith, you're going to debut soon. You're doing your best, aren't you?"

I didn't want him to think that I was being a whiny kid, whining about training for a year when he has trained for way more, so I simply nodded and kept quiet.

But Hanbin knew that I wasn't convinced. He pulled me up so I was sitting facing him, and took my hands, resting it on his lap.

"Yah pabohyemi, don't worry so much. I too doubted whether I would debut, but look at me now. If you've worked hard, you will succeed. If not, you won't find success. "

I knew he was sincere in wanting to comfort me, to share his experiences with me, but his words irritated me, igniting a spark inside.

What did he mean by me not working hard? I don't know if I'm being oversensitive, but it seemed to me as if he was telling me I wasn't working hard enough, and thus not deserving of success.

He's been through this depression too, so why can't he just understand and focus on shedding some positive light?

Frowning, I pushed away from him and rebutted,

"But I HAVE been working hard and you know it. Why's my future so uncertain? It sucks, not knowing what tomorrow would bring."

"That's part and parcel of being a trainee. Not knowing. Doubting. Fear. You'll have to suck it up and be strong."

He said, his eyebrows knitted together.In concern? In frustration? I don't know, but all I knew was that mine was knitted in frustration.

"You don't understand me at all. You've felt this way too, so why can't you just let me rant about it? You don't even believe in me. You don't think I will ever debut, right? You don't think I'm talented and good enough, right? You don't think I'm strong, right??"

Shocked by my sudden outburst, he shook his head, about to deny what I've just accused him of.

"I... i just wanted to make you feel better.. i really think all you need is to believe in yourself. It's not because I don't have faith in you."

"It's not that easy!!! You're already an idol, you have no idea how insecure I feel with you all the time. I can't even show you off to my friends, and whenever we're out you have to hide your face. It's like we're dating in a jail. Always hiding, always restricted. You know how insecure I am, and your words didn't help me at all, only made me feel even worse about myself."

There. I've said my piece. The feeling of being not good enough, not perfect enough, just being never enough was horrible. My insecurities always chewed at me, threatening to consume me.

What I really wanted and needed were just a few words of reassurances. I didn't need his lecture, not this time. Now that I've told him how I feel, he would understand and reassure me. Feed me a little confidence. Maybe he'll even want to make our relationship public.

He was flabbergasted of course, not knowing what to say or do. "Hyemi ah... mianhae...(Sorry...) I seriously--"

Before he could finish his sentence, his phone rang and he picked it up immediately after seeing the caller ID.

"Okay, I'll be back soon. Okok. Mianhae."

Sighing, he looked back at me apologetically, if not somewhat guilty.

"I have to go soon, we're recording a new album."

In the past, I've always pretend that it's okay for him to put work first, but not this time.

His words sunk in and I fully processed it, perceiving many things from it.

I've just been confiding in him and almost breaking down, and yet he still prioritise work over me??? Was I that insignificant in his life, that even close to breaking point, I still wasn't worthy enough to sacrifice his training time? All he cared about was work, his career, success. What about my feelings?

"Fine."  I stood up with a steely resolve, shaking his hands off mine.

"Go then. Don't come back."

And with that, I turned around and walked off. He got up immediately and tried to grab my arm, but I kept shaking him off, and eventually he stopped and just stood there.

I didn't care if I was being childish and insensitive. He was entitled to his rights to prioritise his work, and I was entitled to throw fits as and when I liked. Besides, he deserves a cold treatment from me.

I continued walking, refusing to turn back.

If I had seen his face then, I probably would have stopped. I would have stopped and ran back to him, giving him a bear hug and apologising for my childish fit.

But I didn't, and so I walked on, determined not to look back.

And his eyes never left my retreating back , his expression looking wretched in all possible ways.

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Thank you again for reading ~~~ hope you like it so far!