71: i s i t o v e r n o w ?

Oh, Lord, I think aboutJumping off of very tall somethings

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Introducing:

The Journal,

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Dear diary,

Gosh why am I even writing dear diary it's not like it can read. I used to write songs in this journal, but now it's just a collection of my negative thoughts. I'm tired of it, I feel so trapped inside my mind. There's nothing I can do about that, I just exist in a world that doesn't understand me and I fear it never will.

Amerie closed her diary and sighed placing it in the top drawer of her nightstand.

Her thoughts were running like crazy, the media recently had been really onto her. Saying nasty cruel things, ableist things.

Currently Tree was sat down stairs working through removing the posts and comments with Taylor who was biting her cheeks trying to stop her tears from flowing.

"Tay, it's okay to cry. People are saying things about Amerie. I'm going to sort it, I'm working on removing all the posts, reporting the accounts and getting them banned from TikTok and other socials." Tree informed

"Thank you. I'm going to go check on her." Taylor nodded walking upstairs tears starting to form.

"Hey.." Taylor croaked out between sobs but still managed to give a smile.

"Don't cry, I promise I'm fine. I'm not bothered about what others think. I'm just me and I'm going to continue being me, others opinions won't change that." Amerie smiled, the whole sentence was laced with lies, she was bothered, she constantly thought about what others thought about her.

"When did you get so mature?" Taylor asked wiping her own tears.

"I'm not sure." Amerie said pulling her mom into a hug.

"I love you" Taylor smiled

"I love you too" Amerie smiled back, but deep down shadows lurked, this was the breaking point.

As soon as her mom left, the door was shut. Amerie's feelings spilled out, everything she kept bottled in exploded.

Negative thoughts scribbled in her diary filled her brain again.

"I'm not good enough"

"I should just die"

"I hate myself"

"I can't do this anymore"

"I want to give up"

Those thoughts run on a constant treadmill at full speed in her brain, circling around losing control till she was unable to ground herself.

Amerie grabbed her notebook and scribbled down lyrics, she had no motivation for songs anymore but occasionally she had ideas, one's pieces together by her thoughts.

Woke up feeling like I was a different person.The haunting mirror showed brunette not blonde.My face no longer the same.Been broken and carved out like Frankenstein's monster.What a frightening sight.

I'm not myself anymore.How do I cure,This curse they cast upon me.A coven of witches control meShould have never made that deal

Got me feeling like I've been through a body switch.My mind is still there.Etched and being twistedI have thoughts I can't controlThey run on constant repeat

It's an episode of Sabrina The Teenage WitchMust mean the body switch won't lastBut what if I'm stuck feeling like I'm not meReally? Tell me.

I've been cut and carved I don't feel real no moreMy heart breaks at the sound of silenceCan't dare to swallowDrowning in a pit of worryWhat if she doesn't think I'm pretty?

Got me feeling like I've been through a body switch.My mind is still there.Etched and being twistedI have thoughts I can't controlThey run on constant repeat

Can't breathe, can't think, can't talkPeople will comment, say I'm wrongCan't look in a mirror, it's calls me a freakMy only best friend is me.

My body has been switchedWhat if she doesn't think I'm pretty?

Those lyrics stared at her before she slammed her notebook shut.

Thoughts spiralled around her head, maybe she should just jump off a tall something, people didn't care for her.

Amerie grabbed her journal deciding to venture downstairs and do the right thing

"Mom" Amerie sighed

"Yeah" Taylor looked up, Tree was still working.

"I've been having really negative thoughts lately.. everything is written in here it's a lot.." Amerie sighed passing the journal to her mother

"Oh Amerie." Taylor said wrapping Amerie into a hug

"I'm not as brave as you think I am. I actually care a lot about others opinions.." Amerie confessed

"I had a feeling that you were hiding your emotions" Taylor nodded

"I didn't want to, I just felt too scared to tell you" Amerie sighed

"But I'm proud you have told me now, that's really brave." Taylor smiled

"All the posts have been taken down, accounts banned, I might have been able to get the most severe ones IP banned so they won't be able to make any new accounts." Tree announced

"Thank you Tree" Taylor said

"No worries, I'm always here. I'm sorry you have to go through this Amerie. Now should we read through this journal, me and your mom are both here for you" Tree said

"Mhm" Amerie nodded

Taylor shed a tear reading a paragraph on how Amerie wanted to die.

"Sweetheart, is this how you have been feeling?" Taylor asked

Amerie nodded with tears in her eyes.

"Do you think therapy might help?" Tree asked

"She hated it last time" Taylor sighed

"What about art therapy, you enjoy art and it could distract you allow you to talk about your feelings in a different way?" Tree suggested

"Maybe" Amerie nodded

"We can look into it" Taylor said.