Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Sienna's POV

I open my eyes slowly and I soon realise the next day is upon us. I stare at the clock on the wall and I am surprised to see it is already after one in the afternoon. I don't know how I have managed to sleep so late. I felt like last night I wouldn't be able to sleep at all, I literally led awake all night. I had so much going on in my head, so much to think about. I don't know how I even managed to get my body to shut down to sleep. I cried throughout the night and Liam didn't complain once, he just held me. He held me tightly all night comforting me, even though what is happening is my fault. I feel his arms hold me tighter and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now. I just want to lay here with him holding me for as long as I possibly can. I want to stay with him for as long as time will allow us, I want to just hold on to this comfort we have together. I close my eyes tightly trying to forget everything that happened last night, somehow it all seems like so long ago. It doesn't feel like that only last night I endangered my life and other innocent peoples. I can't let myself think about the girl I endangered, I don't want to think about it. I rid the thoughts from my mind and I concentrate back on Liam's arms around me. The minutes grow, time passes by and yet I still don't move. We don't speak any words to each other, but I know without looking at him that he is awake and he has been awake for some time. We just lay together enjoying our last time together in his bed. I will never have this level of comfort with another person ever again. I will never have the ability to be this much like myself in a relationship because nobody else would accept me like Liam does. I have never felt this relaxed or comfortable with someone else, not even Harry. That's the best thing about going out with one of your best friends. It's the best thing you can have, when someone knows all of your flaws, but still wants to be with you. They still love you and they still see the good in you, even when you have done everything to prove to them you aren't good. That is why our relationship should have worked. We should have had the perfect relationship, but I haven't got the skills or the ability to make it work. I haven't got the same natural life skills as him to make this work. The problem is he sees the best in me, but I don't see the best in him. That's what I do, I never see the best in people and that's something I need to deal with on my own.The longer we lay here, the more reality seeps in making me realise we will have to face realisation soon. I am going to leave him soon, I am going to leave and I won't come back for a while.

"I love you" I hear him say quietly.

I slowly turn over in bed and we both lay facing each other and we stare into each other's eyes.

"I love you too" I tell him.

I know I have hardly ever said those words to him. I have hardly ever told him I loved him, I have never been the kind of person to share my feelings, but when I did say them, I never said it with meaning. I always felt like I had to say it to him and for once I don't feel like I have too. This time I want to say them to him, I want him to know I do love him. I don't know why it feels easier to say those words now, I never know the answers to my stupidity. He smiles at me, his smile is trying to mask the pain, but the emotion in his eyes gives it away.

"Please don't leave yet, come to the show with me. It's just one last show and then you can go if you want too" he says pleadingly.

I know I should leave now, it is easier than dragging this out. I can't though, I can't just go when he wants me to stay because I owe him. I owe him one last day together and I owe it to myself too. I want to see him on stage, I want to feel that warm proud feeling I get inside when I see the crowd screaming for him. I want to see the happiness and pride in his eyes when the crowd sing along to the lyrics he wrote. I nod granting him his request and he smiles looking as satisfied as he can.We still don't attempt to get up or to move from the bed. I lay here watching him trace love hearts on to the skin on my arm with the tip of his finger. I feel Goosebumps form on my skin from his touch, I will miss his delicate touch. He is going to make someone very happy one day. He is going to be the perfect boyfriend for someone who really deserves him. It will all be in a way I could never give him and I never would be able too.

"I need to get up soon" he says to me.

I nod knowing I have to get up as well.

"Just two more minutes" I say to him.

He laughs lightly, pulling me into his chest. He holds me tightly and I lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"Being with you has been the best thing to happen to me in a long time" he tells me "Thank you for giving me a chance" he says, kissing the top of my head.

I don't say anything, words aren't appropriate in this moment, they aren't enough and instead I lay a simple yet meaningful kiss on his chest.He eventually gets up from the bed, removing our body contact and I instantly feel cold without him. He walks off towards the bathroom for a shower and I eventually get out of bed too. I start by getting together some of my essential things, the ones I will need whilst I go away. There aren't loads of valuable things here of mine, just the general day to day things. They are just clothes and make up, they don't mean anything and are all easily replaceable. I pack a few things I need, some clothes and make-up and everything else I leave them where they are. I go into the bathroom and I brush my teeth and I have a wash, whilst Liam is in the shower. He smiles at me from the shower cubicle and I smile back. Everything seems so calm and it's weird because I don't think it should be this calm. We should be arguing and fighting, that's what I would normally be doing. He starts singing and I laugh to myself, walking out and leaving him alone in the bathroom. I spend some time doing my hair and then my make-up. I want to look presentable when I see everyone else, I don't want them to remember this last night together, with me looking a mess. I don't overdo it, I dress simply in pale blue jeans, a tight fitted white t-shirt and white converse. I want to be comfortable for when I am on the plane, I don't want to be uncomfortable in tight fitted clothes and high heels. Besides, Liam prefers it when I dress down like this anyway.Liam walks into the bedroom, a towel fastened around his waist and his bare chest dripping with water. I admire his toned chest and I have to remind myself for a moment why I am actually leaving him. I know I am doing it for the right reason, even though it is hard to see that right now. I turn away from his as he gets himself dry and he starts to get dressed.

"I've left some things in your wardrobe, you can either throw them in the bin or give them to charity" I tell him.

I want to cause him as little disturbance as possible. He shakes his head.

"No they will stay exactly where they are until you come back" he tells me intently.

"Ok" I say simply.

I like the fact that he wants me to come back and that he believes that eventually I will come back to him. That's him again though always seeing the best in me.

"Are you ready?" he asks, pulling his t-shirt over his head.

"Yes" I say, getting my handbag and other things together.

The beginning of the end is upon us and I still don't know if I am ready for it. The car journey to the venue take us a while, but it isn't too bad especially for London traffic. We don't speak during the journey, he just places his hand on top of mine all the way there. I enjoy the silence, I like that we don't need to talk about what's going on and it helps me enjoy the closeness we still have. We reach the venue and we have to drive through the security gates to get closer. We drive through the car park looking for a car park space, we find one so we park up. We gather our things, then we step out of the car together and instantly we hear fans scream for him. They are behind barriers, so they can't reach us. I carry my extra-large handbag on my arm, it has all of my things inside it. I didn't want to take a suitcase with me, I don't want it to be obvious to everyone else that I am leaving and I am also only taking a few things, so a suitcase would be pointless. I stand back near the car, whilst Liam goes over to sign autographs for the fans and have his picture taken with them. I let him do his thing like any girlfriend would. The fans start to shout me, wanting me to go over too, but I give them all a quick wave instead. I don't want to sign autographs and such when it is his moment, his fans. I wait a while for him to return, I start to grow impatient and I am thankful when Liam eventually comes back over to me. "Sorry about that" he says to me, placing his hand gently on my lower back. I just smile at him, normally I would have a go at him, but I don't want anything to make today harder. We walk towards the venue and security see us approaching the entrance. They greet us and they lead the way, taking us inside the venue. We follow them inside, greeting members of the crew as we do and we make our way to the dressing room.

We keep walking side by side, greeting everyone on our way who makes eye contact with us. Well Liam does, I just smile at them. We eventually reach the dressing room and security leave us alone. We don't hold hands or touch each other, which isn't like us because normally we always do. We don't do it today though because we don't want to, it just feels like we don't need to do it anymore. We don't need to be all touchy feely anymore. We both know that we love each other and we have a bond that can't be broken. What we have is more than love though, we have something that is more important than that. We have an understanding, we have a connection and we have a friendship that was here before we loved each other. That friendship will always outlive any hate we feel towards each other and any other relationship that either of us ever have. We have something that is rare and other people search a lifetime for, we have an understanding. We have an understanding that is unique and precious. He is my soul mate, perhaps not in a relationship forever sense though. It is more in a friendship sense and I will take that any day of the week. We walk inside the dressing room and everyone else is already here getting ready. Niall, Zayn, Louis, Harry, Eleanor and Paige are all here. There are security guards, stylists, hairdressers, vocal coaches and makeup artists all here too. They are all busy getting ready for the show and warming up their vocals for the show, which is going to start in a few hours. They are all practically too busy to notice us or even acknowledge us. I don't mind that though, I would rather not have any focus on us right now.

"Hey" Liam calls out and they all acknowledge us with quick hellos and waves, but none of them get up and approach us.

They are all too busy to do that. That's the problem with seeing each other every day, you stop appreciating each other just like all of us have. I'm sure if it had been a while since we all last saw each other this moment would be different. I avoid all gazes with Zayn, especially after last night. I don't want any questions from him or to even discuss last night. I can only assume they haven't found Zayn's car yet, but I know as soon as they do he will know what I did. Everyone will know what I did. They won't be able to ask me any questions though because by then I will be gone and by the time I return I hope it will all be forgotten about. I let Liam go off to talk to Paul about the show and then he can get ready for it too. I stare around feeling out of place and I see Eleanor sat on the sofas alone. She looks deep in thought and I take this as my chance to talk to her on a one on one basis. I take this chance to say goodbye, without actually saying the words. I want to talk to her alone before Louis comes back and takes up all of her attention. I walk over to her and I take a seat beside her on the sofa. She stares ahead, not even noticing I am here. I'm sure if she knew I was leaving tonight and that she isn't going to see me for a while, that she would be more alert. She would give me more attention, but I would rather her not know. It is easier to walk away when nobody can stop you or try to make you change your mind. I would tell her I am leaving, I trust her enough to tell her that I am going, but I don't want to have to explain why. I just don't know how to explain why, I don't know how to tell her what has happened. There has been so much I haven't shared with her or anyone else for that matter. It all makes sense in my head, yet trying to say the words out loud to someone else is completely different. The words aren't easy or straightforward then, the words would just end up coming out jumbled. It wouldn't make any sense to her or anyone else, sometimes the words don't even make sense to me.I just watch her for a moment and she still sits here quietly, this isn't like her. She is normally the loud one, she is normally all giddy and she is usually over excitable. I wait for her to notice me, she doesn't, so I decide to just go ahead and say what I feel.

"You are an amazing person I hope you know that" I tell her, which finally makes her turn to me and she gives me her full attention.

"You are the kindest person I know" I say feeling a little embarrassed.

I'm not use to being so honest or open about my feelings with anyone. I am glad she is finally looking at me and I can tell she is surprised by what I am saying.

"I couldn't have asked for a better friend than you, I didn't know it was possible to have a friend as amazing as you" I smile.

I don't want to be over emotional and make it obvious what is going on, but I want her to know how much she means to me. We have never been open like this, I have always been closed off and for once I am not being. She has always worn her heart on her sleeve and that's where we are so different from each other. I am finally saying what I have always wanted to say to her, but I have always been too scared to say.

"You are amazing Elle, just the way you are" I tell her seriously.

She looks close to tears as she listens to my words.

"Tell my husband that" she whispers, looking away from me.

"What?" I ask concerned, wondering what she means by that.

She quickly looks back at me.

"Why are you being so sentimental?" she asks, quickly changing the subject.

I don't question her on what she said because I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it, so I just go along with the change in subject. They will have just argued or something I imagine anyway.

"I just thought it was about time I told you" I say staring at my nails casually.

She grabs my hand caringly and when I look at her she is smiling at me.

"Best friends forever" she giggles, showing me the Eleanor I know.

I smile back at her knowing we will be, we will be best friends forever. We have a sentimental girly moment and then Louis walks over to us with a face like thunder. He flops down at the opposite side of Eleanor and he crosses his arms not even speaking to me. They have clearly had a domestic, so I take this as my opportunity to leave them alone. I don't bother saying anything to Louis, I can tell he isn't in the mood to talk. I get up from the sofa, leaving them alone as I make my way over to Niall. He starts laughing as I draw nearer to him and he shakes his head at me in a jokey way.

"Fuck how pissed was I last night?" he asks, as I stand beside where he is seated.

He is sat having his hair done and I smile down at him. I am relieved he hasn't fallen out with me, I hadn't expected him to though in all honesty. He isn't one to hold grudges or to fall out with people and normally when he is that drunk he doesn't remember much the next day anyway.

"Me too" I admit.

I was a lot more intoxicated then he would believe. I'm glad he wasn't involved in anything I did last night, I'm glad he went home when he did. I really do love him, he isn't just a friend to me. He is more than that, he is like family and he's like the little brother I never had. I wish I had grown up with someone like him around, we would have had so many adventures. I would have at least then had some happy childhood memories. I care so much about him, I have always felt protective over him. I think at times I have possibly been too protective.

"I'm going to kick the whole alcohol thing for a while" I tell him "It isn't that much fun anymore, what's the point in getting so drunk you can't remember anything?" I say.

I am telling him this for his benefit, I want him to know that drink isn't the only source of fun. It seems like lately all he ever does is get drunk and I don't want him to go down that same slippery slope I did. He listens to me thoughtfully and then he nods.

"I might do the same, I need to get into shape" he says seriously.

I internally laugh, knowing that he will never follow through with his intentions.

"It's about time you settled down" I tell him.

He looks surprised "I thought you said no girl would ever be good enough for me" he grins.

I laugh "They won't, but there is someone out there who is almost good enough" I smile.

"I did enjoy that girls company the other week, the one I went on a date with" he says shyly.

I think back, trying to pin point which girl he means.

"The one with brown hair?" I ask.

He nods "Grace" he says "You didn't like her though".

He really values my opinions on these things, but in all honesty I never gave the girl a chance. I just didn't want to share him with anyone and I realise I can't be selfish like that anymore.

"If you like her then I do" I encourage him.

"I might ask her out again then" he says happily.

He talks about some football match he watched today and I listen to him. I laugh at his enthusiasm and I could listen to his irrelevant stories all day, because to me they are relevant.

"Wouldn't it have been amazing if we grew up together?" I ask him randomly.

The thought has been on my mind a lot lately and moments like this when we talk makes me want to share my thoughts with him.

"Err yeah" he laughs "We'd have had a den and we wouldn't have let anyone else in" he laughs.

I laugh with him picturing the image.

"You brighten up my day" I tell him meaningfully.

He smiles "You do the same for me" he winks.

I don't want to say much more because being apart from Niall will be one of the hardest. I speak to him literally every day and knowing I have to stop that contact for a while is hard. It will be good for him though, it will be good for him to branch out with new people. I will always have his friendship, but I can't give him the full friendship he deserves. He needs someone else, someone to love and our time apart will allow him to do that. It will allow him to form new loves and friends. It will let him want more than just me.I stand on the side-lines watching Harry play around with his new girlfriend. He laughs and jokes with her and I have to admit they make a nice couple. This is the happiest I have seen him since, well since forever. I don't recall him and I having fun like the two of them are now. It is clear to see as I watch him that he has moved on and I am happy for him that he has. I am happy that he is finally finding out who he is after me, after Daisy. That can only ever be a good thing after what he has been through. This new girlfriend of his has a playful childish side to her that neither I nor Daisy had. Paige seems to bring out a fun side in him, I like that side of him. She playfully jumps on his back and she wraps her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek. I remember when he use to carry me around like that, like in Vegas. I remember it like it was just yesterday, I always will. My feet where hurting and he didn't hesitate in picking me up and carrying me all over the Vegas strip on his back. That's the kind of sweet natured guy he is deep down. He nearly lost that though, he nearly lost who he was all because of me. I know I can't keep blaming myself for what happened and I am hopeful this time away will make me see that. I hope it will make me see that I'm not to blame or at least it will allow me to let the blame go.She jumps off his back and she uses her hand to mess up his hair. He laughs trying to do the same to her, but she rushes off to the toilets. He is now stood there alone, trying to sort out his hair. I take this as my chance to finally talk to him alone. I walk to him, feeling nervous and I stand a small distance behind him without him realising it.

"You seem happy" I say nervously.

I am thankful that there aren't many other people around because I never know how a conversation between Harry and I will turn out. He turns around to face me and I can tell he is surprised I am making conversation with him. We only ever seem to talk when we have no other choice or when we are trying to clear the air after an argument. He looks wary of me and I can't blame him after everything we have been through.

"I am" he says quietly.

"You guys make a good couple" I finally say the words he deserves to hear, the words I have never had the guts or the decency to say to him.

"Thank you" he smiles "You and Liam have always been a good couple" he admits.

We have finally reached a civil common ground and it is nice knowing we eventually got here after everything. The two crazy people, who loved each other to the point of despair and who fought like no other, finally understand one another. We can finally be happy for each other. We are finally being grown-ups after a long time coming. We are finally accepting that we could never make us work.

"I'm glad you finally got to be happy" I say.

I really do mean what I am saying to him, I think after everything he went through with me that he deserves someone who loves him. He deserves to be with someone who can show him how they feel. It gives me hope seeing him like this, that one day Liam will be able to follow in Harry's footsteps. That Liam too can be happy one day.

"You too" he says.

I know we are accepting that we have moved on, but I still want him to know what I felt was real. I want him to know what we had wasn't just fun, it mattered and it always will.

"I loved you first, you were always my first choice" I tell him.

I just want him to know that, I want him to know that no matter what happened between us and what we did, he was always my first love and my first choice. There wasn't anyone before him and even though there will be people after him, he will always have a special place in my heart because he was my first true love.

He nods "I know and I had only ever loved you" he admits quietly.

I walk to him and when I get to him, I stand on my tiptoes to reach him. I lean in and I kiss his cheek lightly, enjoying his familiar scent.

"You did good kid" I smile.

He smiles at me and without another word I walk away from him, without looking back.I walk away from him until I am eventually out of his view. I knew from the moment I saw him today with Paige there wasn't any point in telling him what my intentions where today. I didn't want to have to say goodbye to him or to give him the chance to come with me. He doesn't need to know I am leaving. What is the point in even telling him? It won't achieve anything, like all the times before. We would never be able to make it work, even if he came with me. It wouldn't bring any good telling him about how I still get butterflies when I see him or that I pretend I hate him, but I don't. It wouldn't help telling him I still remember every kiss and every touch. None of it would matter because I'm still in the same place as I was the last time we were together. That's how I know this won't work, we would go down the same path we did before. I'm not in a good place and if we are ever going to be together in the future, I need to be better. I don't want to do this again and drag us through the mud all over again. I don't want us to go back through the times where we hated each other again. I want to be better next time, it would have to be forever next time. I want to be better first and that's what I will do, I will get better.The time grows nearer for the concert and I find myself just stood with Liam. We stand just backstage and the moment feels tender, because he knows I will be gone soon. We both know by the time he comes off stage I will have gone. I don't do goodbyes, I have never been good at them. I suppose though this isn't goodbye, it is just a seeya later. He holds my hands in his and we just stand staring at one another. If anyone was looking in on us they would think we are just a normal couple having a sentimental loving moment, but this isn't what this is. It is so much more than that, it is the end of us. This is just the pair of us enjoying the last pieces and the last bit of time as a couple.

"Promise me you'll keep in touch" he says quietly.

I nod "I will let you know when I get to where I decide to go" I tell him.

I know he wants more than that, he wants to keep in touch constantly, but I can't offer him that now. I can't offer him any more than just a brief text on what I am doing. I need time apart, I need time alone to get better.

"It is going to be weird with you. It'll be quiet" he laughs lightly, trying to hide the sadness.

He doesn't need to hide it, I feel it too. It is going to be weird for me too, it is going to be weird being without him and being alone again. I know it will do us both good though, especially him. It will give him time to realise that I didn't treat him how he should have been treated.

"Remember you have four good friends, you need to remember that you have them there to lean on. Please don't bottle it all up, talk to them" I advise.

He needs to make the most of the close bond that the five of them have and he needs to work on restoring that completely. I don't want to leave and for him to seclude himself from everyone else, like Harry did. He has a strong unit around him, we both have and he can still have that without me around.

"I know" he smiles.

I kiss his lips gently and I savour this kiss. We break apart and I stay close to his face, cupping his cheeks between my hands.

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, you weren't one of them" I tell him.

I can't say anything more meaningful that that and I can't mean anything else more. He was the best thing that happened to me and without him I wouldn't be half of the person I am today. He hugs me tightly and we gently move apart as his name is called.

"I love you" he says and I nod gently.

His eyes fill with tears and then he quickly walks away to the stage. I stand beside Eleanor at the side of the stage and I stare out watching the five men who all changed my life. The first song starts up and I listen as the crowd scream to the point of hysteria. I smile as Liam jumps into the first line of his verse and the crowd sings along to every word. I enjoy these last moments, the last moments of this tour. I won't get to see this show again, by the time I come back it will be over and potentially they will be planning a new tour. I sing along quietly to the song and I turn slightly noticing Paige standing beside me. She gives me a small smile and I smile back at her. I will never be her friend, but it doesn't mean we can't be civil with one another. The three of us stand watching the men we love perform and we all enjoy every minute of it. They sing song after song and then the five of them rush off stage around the middle of the show. They all have a quick drink and they wipe their sweaty faces on a towel. Liam walks over to me, he leans down kissing me and I kiss him back. We kiss each other for as long as we possibly can.

"I love you" he says one last time, moving his lips from mine.

"I love you too" I smile.

He holds onto my hand and Louis grabs him.

"Come on" he says pulling him back to the stage.

He holds onto my hand for as long as he can until they are pulled apart. He smiles at me sadly and he is soon back on stage.I listen to a couple more songs and then I decide it's time, it is time to go. I wait until he looks at me again and I nod my head at him, letting him know the time has come. He looks emotional and teary eyed, I feel the same. I take a step back from Eleanor and Paige, I blow him a simple kiss. I know he can't do anything now, other than watch me leave. I don't want him to do any more than just watch me, I don't want him to ask me not to go or to try and stop me. That's why it is easier to go now without a big fuss. I lift my hand to him to gesture a goodbye, but he doesn't return the gesture. It isn't meant in a bad way, it's just because it isn't easy for him to finalise our goodbye. I slowly turn around and I walk away from him. I walk away from the life I have managed to build up for me and him. I walk away from the love of a decent good man. I walk away this time, but I don't do it to escape or to grieve. I walk away for myself, I walk away to be greater and to be better. I walk away so I can finally find out who Sienna is, not Sienna Star. I want to find out who I am as just simple, normal Sienna. I want to know who I am without all the fame and without having to rely on someone else. I want to be strong and independent. That's what I will do and when I finally learn who I am, I will come back. I will come back here a better person and when I do I will come back for the man who is rightfully mine. I will be back for him, I will come back for him and this time it will be for keeps.