Chapter 1

The Girl in the Mirror 2

Chapter 1

Sienna's POVI squeeze my eyes together, trying somehow to control my erratic nerves. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, overpowering intensive nerves. Everything around me is dysfunctional chaos, except me. I sit here quietly, surrounded by my own little bubble, with just nerves eating away at me. I am in my own world, focusing on just me. Anytime now someone is going to pop my bubble, bringing me crashing back to the chaos. I open my eyes, leaning my head back and focusing my gaze on the ceiling. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with much needed air. The palms of my hands are beginning to sweat, whilst shaking uncontrollably. My nerves are at their peak, higher than they have ever been. It’s nearly time, time for my moment. My biggest ever moment. The chaos continues, people surrounding me and doing everything they can to make me look ‘perfect’. My hair is back combed to within an inch of its life. A makeup brush is wafted over my face, blusher added to my cheeks. I just stay still, allowing it all to happen. They can do whatever they want to tonight, make me look however they want because this is the last time, I will ever let this happen. It will never happen again after tonight. My heart races, thumping against my chest and feeling like it is about to burst out. The clock quickly ticks away, drawing the time nearer. I need this last bit of time to calm myself down, I need to calm down. I feel trapped, surrounded by too many people and feeling exposed in my clothes. The tight leather pants I wear, make me sweat and the tight top exposes more of my stomach than I would like. I try to forget it though and just go with it. This has all been planned to precision, down to the very last detail. It can’t go wrong, I have worked too long and hard on this for it to go wrong. Time runs out, everyone has to stop what they are doing. I am finally left alone, taking a moment to try and calm my nerves. I try to convince myself that this is just another show, like thousands of others, which I have done over the years. I know though in my tight, knot ridden stomach that this is bigger than anything I have ever done before. My mouth feels dry, reminding me that at one time a drink would have got me through this. A quick line of cocaine would have me brimming with confidence. I don’t need either of them anymore, not now. I have someone who makes sure I don’t need to turn to substances to get me through. I only need him and his love, which can get me through anything. I close my eyes, taking my last few minutes to give myself a chance to pray. I need to use these last few minutes wisely, speaking my prayer in my head.Please give me strength and courage to get through this. Please let this be my finest hour, let it be my moment.

“Sienna.” My name is called, snapping me from the words in my head. My eyes snap open, meeting the eyes of the producer, who is calling me. He rushes to my side, leading me to my starting position. “It’s nearly time.” His words make me even more nervous. I nod, acknowledging his words and I allow myself to be fitted with an ear piece, the other bits and pieces and my star studded microphone. I am led to my starting platform, climbing onto it and taking a seat on the luxurious chair, in the centre. “Sienna, ten second countdown starts now” the producer calls. I give him my thumbs up, signalling I am ready. I cross my legs, getting into my starting position and sitting up straight. I stare up, preparing myself for my moment to start. The countdown starts in my ear piece and as it does my platform slowly starts to rise, heading to the stage. I stay still, stomach swimming with nerves and body trembling with fear. I continue to the podium, still on my platform. This is it, this is my moment. This is my time, finally it’s my time. The platform keeps rising, the sound of the crowd is soon clear to me. I feel sick, my stomach clenching and heart racing. I am literally terrified, shitting myself. I haven’t been this scared to perform ever, I haven’t been scared like this since that night, that night twelve months ago. This moment and then are the two scariest moments in my life. My stomach keeps churning, flipping over, feeling like I am on an upside down roller-coaster. I am almost at the top, it is almost time. The countdown hits five seconds in my ear and I mentally countdown the last five seconds in my head. 5 - You can do this, Sienna. 4 - BREATHE! 3 - Shit! 2 - Oh lord. 1 - FUCK!!!! The screams are deafening, on the verge of hysteria. The screams, the crowd and the intensity makes my stomach keep churning. The spotlights hit me, leaving the rest of the stage in complete darkness. I stare ahead, unable to see anything, the crowd engulfed in darkness. This is it, this is my career defining moment. It doesn’t get any bigger than this, it never will again. I am about to hit the peak of my career and it scares me senseless. This is everything I have worked for, this has been what the last eight years have been about. This is a memory that will live with me forever, I will never forget it. I stay in my seat, taking in the screams and cheers. My music starts up, building up to my performance. I have no adrenaline, all I have left is fear. The intense fear, which makes me feel like I am about to mess up this historic moment. There isn’t any more time to think, or to be scared because the time has come to perform. I lick my lips, lifting the microphone to my mouth and I start to sing. I throw my fear, the feelings inside in to the song and I sing with every bit of talent God gave me. I use everything I have been lucky enough to be blessed with. The arena lights up, allowing me to see out into the crowd. I sing the words about love and heartbreak, stirring emotion inside me. The words make me think about him, memories of us. The words I sing always somehow seem to refer back to him. This isn’t about him though, for once it’s about me, and I can’t allow what happened between us to affect this. I can’t let the memory of us and what we had, tarnish this for me. I focus on the crowd, hearing them sing the words of my song back to me. My eyes fill with tears, whilst listening to them sing back the words I wrote about him. It is an indescribable feeling, pure magic when they do this. I don’t think anything will ever compare to it again. I will never let anyone take this moment from me, never. I slowly stand up, my music merging into the next upbeat song. I walk to the front of my podium, standing at the top of the steps, which lead to the ground level of the stage. My black heeled boots are huge, making me feel scared about walking down the steps. I can’t let them stop me from giving the performance of my life, nothing will. The screams get louder, giving me the confidence I need to make it down the steps. I reach the bottom of the steps, relief filling me and I start to sing and dance.  Everyone who is anyone in the music industry is here tonight, watching me at my peak. They are here to celebrate the last twelve months in music and to bid farewell to me. I sing every note perfectly in tune, whilst moving perfectly in time with the music. I know this routine down to the very last beat, nothing will ruin this for me. I strut up and down the stage, full of confidence. I move skilfully from song to song, giving everything I have to each song. I suddenly stop in the middle of the stage, lights dimming and I am joined on stage by my dancers. They stand behind me, waiting, and then the beat starts up again. I start to dance, they join in and we dance in time with each other. I hide the pain, which has latched onto my body and my limps. I just keep moving my body at a fast pace, whilst in time with the music, for this excruciating routine. This routine has battered and bruised me, over the last few months. I almost gave up at times, but the crowds screams make me realise it was worth it. The endless hours rehearsing, the bruises and aches have all been worth it. My stomach literally burns with pain, my feet feel like they are on fire. I have to think of him to get me through. The thought of him, the man I love, gets me through the routine. I take a brief moment, allowing me to catch my breath. I stare out at the crowd, all the people on their feet, before me. They are all standing, applauding for me, even the famous faces are on their feet. I am overcome by emotion, a rarity for me. I know in this moment, I made it and I made it big. I made it bigger than anyone will ever make it again. There will never be another who will have a career and success like me. I am a one off, a rare phenomenon. It all means a lot me, especially after everything I have been through. The most important thing is I can finally accept that I deserve this, I deserve this admiration. The crowd and the people watching at home will all be able to see how much this means to me. There will be some envious, wishing they’d had a career like mine and wishing this was their moment. They will never know or understand what it has taken for me to get here. They don’t know about the devastating lows, or all the things I have been through. They don’t know about everything I have hidden inside, all the painful things. I push myself into the last song. Suddenly it hits me, this is all nearly over. It isn’t just my performance that is finishing, so is my career. I know in my heart that the time has come, it is time to bow out and hang up my pop crown. What do you do when you have reached the top of your career? When you have had more number ones than you can ever count? When you have more money than you can spend in a lifetime?The only way to go now is down, I don’t want that. I don’t want to cling onto this and be forced out when the public gets bored with me. I want to decide my fate, I am the one in control now. I am scared though, worried and frightened about what is next. I don’t know what I will actually do, when it all ends. I sing out my final high note, hitting it perfectly. I drop to my knees, completely exhausted and tears form in the corner of my eyes. I try to catch my breath and to stop my body burning from exhaustion. The cheers and applauds ring out in my ears, verging on hysteria. I feel Goosebumps form on my skin and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My name is chanted, filling the arena and that’s when my emotions get the better of me. The tears finally leave my eyes, after threatening to fall for so long. I’m done, this is it. I have achieved everything I could have possibly wanted, meaning now I’m done. I’m finished. The crowd are all on their feet for me, emotions running high. The fans are crying, they aren’t ready for this to be over. They want more, but I haven’t got any more to give them. I have given them everything I could, I gave them all of me over the years. I can’t give them anymore. I stay on my knees for a couple of minutes, soaking in the atmosphere and trying to fully appreciate this moment. I need to remember this, remember how it made me feel. My heart and pride swell, knowing I couldn’t go out on a bigger high than this. I am proud of myself, I proud of what I have achieved and who I have become. That unwanted girl, who nobody wanted, made it. I pulled myself out from the brinks of hell, time and time again and here I am, still standing. I beat excruciating heartbreak, near death and deep depression. I beat it all and here I am today, still being love by millions. “Congratulations, Sienna Star” James Corden, the presenter speaks. His voice sounds through the arena, gaining everyone’s attention. I watch as he walks towards me, holding his hand out, when he finally reaches me. He pulls me to my feet, hugging me gently and then kissing my cheek lightly. “We have something important to show you” he speaks into his microphone. I smile as he turns me to watch the huge screens at the side of the stage. Everyone’s attentions are on the screens and I cringe when my face fills the screen. Simon Cowell, comes on the screen. He wears his usual white t-shirts and he sits talking to the camera, about me. 'What can I say about Sienna Star? She is amazing, incredible. She has that rare talent, that you can only ever wish to find, something you rarely see. She always knew where she wanted to go and what kind of artist she wanted to be. She wouldn't let anyone steer her in a different direction and she was right. The career and success she has had, speaks for itself. I knew the first time I met her she had something special, but never to this extent. Sienna, you deserve this, you have been like a daughter to me. Congratulations.'I am confused by what is going on. Why is Simon speaking so kindly about me? His words do touch me though, making me feel even more emotional than I already am. James wraps his arm around my shoulder and I keep watching the screen. The next person to pop up on the screen is Steve, shiny head glowing the same as always. ‘Sienna has been a rare phenomenon. A once in a life time talent, which I was lucky to be a part of. Don’t get wrong, she has been a demanding diva and hard work at times. But, I wouldn’t change her, not for anything. She is so much more than a pop singer. She is real, she’s human and I think that’s why people love her so much. They see the regular girl she is, just like them. They have seen her face every emotion possible, knowing the life she has led, but she still has a smile for them. She still gets out of bed, no matter how hard it can be, wanting to show the world her talent. She deserves this moment, even though I can imagine she won’t believe she does. Congratulations Miss Pain in my backside!’The faces continue to fill the screen, all saying how incredible I am. There are various producers, photographers and other artists, all praising me. They all speak about how amazing I am and how incredible my career has been. I can agree with them on the career aspect, nothing else about me as a person. I didn’t realise it straight away, but now I know what is going on. I know what is happening and my heart races, just at the thought of it. I have no idea how this could be happening to someone like me. I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t. One Direction are next on screen, the crowd screaming as they appear. James whispers something to me about it nearly being over, but my eyes are fixed on the screen, so I can’t acknowledge him. The man I love isn’t sat alongside them, I can only hope he is speaking individually. The world has gone crazy for our romance, being one of the biggest news stories of the year. Well, that and my near fatality, the trial and everything along with that too. The attention hasn’t been easy to handle, but he has made it worth it. Louis is the first to start speaking, the crowd cheering for him as he does. He smiles widely and I can imagine he will do the majority of the talking.'Well done and a big congratulations to Sienna. She has worked incredibly hard to achieve what she has, over the years. We are all proud to have been involved in some of that journey with you and we look forward to helping you celebrate tonight. Sending big love to you! Remember drinks are on you tonight!’’Louis laughs, eyes creasing in the corners as he finishes speaking. I laugh too, following my gaze to Niall, who speaks next. ‘Sienna, you are one of my best friends and I am really happy for you. You deserve this and I can’t wait for the celebrations!’Harry is next, small smile and dimples ever so slightly on display. I bet everyone watching thinks this is weird, I know I do. My ex-boyfriend congratulating me, when I am now going out with his band mate. It’s all a bit strange, but then again most people think Harry and I where a publicity stunt. I don’t suppose they believe there was ever anything between us. ‘Well done on the last eight years, you've had a career most can only dream of. You mean a lot to all five of us and enjoy tonight. It's your night'.It’s sad to think that’s the nicest Harry has been to me for a long time. It’s the most normal thing he has said in a long time. That’s what the cameras do though, they make everything appear okay. The last person to speak is Zayn. ‘Well done babe, you deserve this’.He smiles lightly, whilst speaking into the camera. I wasn’t expecting a huge message from Zayn, I wasn’t expecting anything at all to be honest. We hardly speak these days, I’d say we are only just on okay terms. The image on the screen disappears, showing me and James again. I am hugely disappointed he wasn’t there, the man I love. James turns me around and I see Liam stood at the other side of us. A smile immediately appears on my face, showing off my pearly whites. He smiles, winking at me and making my stomach flip. He looks so handsome, his hair all combed back and he’s wearing a smart black suit. He holds an award in his hands, smiling at me like I am the most impressive thing he has ever seen. I have no clue how he has managed to keep this all a secret, he is rubbish with secrets, especially when it comes to me. He lifts the microphone in his spare hand to his mouth, starting to speak. ‘I couldn’t be prouder than standing here with this award. Sienna, you have had a career that has escalated worldwide, selling millions of records. You’ve had sell out tours all over the world, still holding the fastest sell out for a tour of all time. This award was made for you, meaning I am only touching on the tips of what you have achieved. This might be your last performance, but your music will live on for years to come. Your legend will forever live on, anyone new will be thriving to be as good as you. This is for you, the lifetime achievement award.’My teary eyes reappear, him walking to me and handing me my award. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. He holds me, which I desperately need, even though the award digs into both of our chests. I have a small cry into his chest, whilst the crowd go crazy for me. “I love you” his words send shivers through me. I would say the words back, but I am too overcome with emotion to speak. I pull away from him, giving us both room to breathe. He takes a step back, allowing me to relish in this moment and to appreciate the new prized possession in my hand. This is an award every artist wants, praying one day that they will get it, and now I am one of the few to have got one. I am one of the musical legends who has got their hands on one. They don’t just give these to anyone. They are rarely given out and when they are, they are only given to the biggest and the best. I am in that category now, meaning I will go down in history, not only for winning one, but for being the only female to win one. This has been given to musical legends likes Paul McCartney and David Bowie. I’m not even twenty five and I have won an award that most have worked over thirty years to achieve. It doesn’t seem real, but I know it is, when my name is chanted through the arena. I lift my microphone to my lips, ready to speak and to give an unprepared speech. The crowd instantly goes crazy as I prepare myself, chanting and screaming my name. I laugh lightly, feeling overwhelmed by this amazing support and love. I feel delusional, unsure how this can be happening to me, but James rubbing my back affectionately tells me it is real. I can’t help looking back at Liam, needing some encouragement from him, which he instantly gives me in a caring smile. I don’t know how that angry, unlovable girl got here, after everything. I have no idea how I became the person I am now. I don’t even know how I have got through the last twelve months, I did though. I got through it all and I lived to tell the tale. There were times when I didn’t think I could carry on, he got me through it all though. My Liam, helped me through everything and with his help, I have learnt to appreciate everything again. He wasn’t what I wanted back then though, I wanted more than him at one time. I stare out at the crowd, wondering if he is out there and if he is proud of me, of who I have become. He was the man I actually wanted, Harry Styles. He was the one I loved, but it was never meant to be. It took me a long time to accept that and now I finally have. I have let him go and I’ve found someone who wants to love me. I have Liam, someone amazing. I hope Harry is watching me now, seeing me happy and seeking affection from someone who isn’t him. I hope it pains him to see me loving someone else. I hope he hates himself, every single day, for letting me go, and refusing to love me back. I hope he thinks back to the times I begged him to be with me, with deep sorrowful regret. I hope he realises now he let the best thing to ever happen to him go. I push thoughts of him away, not allowing him to spoil another moment of my life. I lift my microphone to my mouth, wetting my lips with my tongue and I finally start to give my speech. ‘This is an honour, an unbelievable honour! Thank you so much. I have searched my whole life for answers and desperately seeking acceptance. I spent my childhood being told I was stupid and that I was deluded if I thought for a moment I could be something. I was made fun of and put down at any chance the haters got. I felt worthless, I thought I would never achieve anything. Where are those people now? If you are watching this, look at me now and tell me I will never aspire to anything. Tell me I am unlovable now.’The words almost got stuck in my throat, whilst I am overcome with emotion. The tears fall from my eyes, even though I try to contain them. I can’t help it though, remembering my childhood and the reason why I became cold and bitter. I wasn’t loved, I never knew love until Harry. I wish everyone knew that no matter how dark things get, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there will be light at the end for them too. I want people to see that no matter how low you feel, eventually it will fade. ‘I got given my chance, by someone who believed in me. He saw something in me that nobody had seen before. He lifted me from the gutter and helped me become the person that stands here today. He believed in me, when nobody else did, not even myself. I would be living a life of misery, I wouldn’t be living my dream, if it wasn’t for him. I owe this award and everything I am to you, Simon. You gave me a family and love, which I had never had before. I know I didn’t always appreciate it, or you, but I hope you see now that I do. I hope you can see that I see how much you did for me and that I love you. I know I’m going to forget people, so I am going to keep it short. I’m sorry if I forget you, this is all just very overwhelming. Steve, thank you for being the best manager I could have asked for. I know I haven’t been easy to deal with and that I made you lose all of your hair. Thank you though for sticking by me and helping me through everything. My entire team, Rachel, Lisa, Nigel and Ben. Everyone at the record label and everyone I have worked with over the years. I’d be here all night if I named you all. Big praise for my security team, Mark and Trevor. Thank you for putting your own lives at risk to protect me, especially when things got crazy. I have loved having you with me during this whirlwind. Thank you to my amazing friends, who helped me through my darkest times. I’ve been a grumpy bitch, but you’ve all been there for me. You helped me to laugh again, especially over the last twelve months. Eleanor, thank you for giving me a true best friend and for helping me be a teenager. The braiding of our hairs and late night sleepovers, will forever live with me. I have loved every moment of being your friend. Louis, for always listening to me and giving me amazing advice. I’m lucky to have grown close to you. Niall, my best friend. The one who’s always the last one standing beside me on any night out. You are the kindest person I have ever known. You are the brother I never had, you are the part of me I never knew was missing. I have had the most incredible time over the last eight years. I have learnt more than I can even begin to tell you. I want to say thank you to every single person who has ever supported me and who has bought an album or a single. I’ve had some bad moments, most very publicised, but you have still all been there. You have stood with me, through thick and thin. I am lucky to have had amazing fans like you all. I wouldn’t be collecting this award if it wasn’t for you. I hope my music will live on with you all for years to come. I wouldn’t be here today if you hadn’t believed in me. I love you all, forever. Lastly, I want to say thank you to the most amazing man, who I’ve ever met. He has been by my side every day over the last twelve months. He somehow brought me back to life and made me feel things, I didn’t know where possible. He taught me how to love and how to actually mean it. He showed me that true unconditional love can exist. He fixed me and helped me find the real me. I can’t express in words how much this man means to me. I have waited my whole life to be loved and to love someone like him. Liam, you are my best friend and everything to me. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love someone. I can’t wait to spend my life with you. Thank you for the last eight years. I will never forget it or you, so don’t forget me.’I conclude my speech and as I do the screams go insane. Everyone remains on their feet, chanting and cheering for me. I blow a kiss to the crowd and I take one final bow, award still in hand. I take a deep breath, preparing myself to walk away from the only adult life I’ve ever known. It terrifies me, the thought alone scares me. I rush to Liam’s side, wrapping my arms around him and he kisses the top of my head. He leads me off stage and I give the crowd one last wave. I hear James concluding the show, whilst I walk backstage. The moment I am back stage I am met by a swarm of people, crowding around me. The crowd of people all try to grab my attention, gushing about how amazing my performance was and how much I deserve this moment. I believe them now, I was great and I did deserve this. I gave everything I possibly could. My hand slips from Liam’s grip and I quickly turn to him, hoping he isn’t angry with me. I look at him, he smiles back at me and he takes a step back. He gives me time to enjoy my moment. There is no jealousy or animosity from him, which is one of the reasons we work. I laugh and listen to everyone, allowing them to fuss over me. I am distracted though, once my eyes hit those familiar green eyes. The green eyes that have forever haunted me, which always will. They burn into me, reminding me that he almost destroyed me. Harry Styles, ruined me more than anyone else ever has before or will again. He proved eventually that all my feelings and love for him were wasted. They all meant nothing to him, so I gave up. I gave up on him. The best thing I did was walk away from him, because that’s when I realised Liam was there. I realised I could have my happy ending, I just couldn’t have it with Harry. I spent months waiting for him to change his mind and for him to want me again. He never did though and by the time he did, he was too late. It was all too late, even when he begged on his knees for me to give him another chance. I gave him enough chances and I waited too long for him. I put up with endless months of abuse, rejection and name calling. I put up with too much from him and I still wanted him. The problem was he never wanted me. I had to eventually settle for second best, well that’s what I thought it was at the time. I know though now it was the best thing I ever did. I allowed myself to be loved by another man and it was the best decision I ever made. I almost let Liam slip through my fingers, all because I was too invested in someone else. I was too invested in someone, who will never care back. I was too blinded by my love for Harry, almost not seeing who was right in front of me. I was too blind to see that Liam loved me and that I could love him too. I am thankful that I saw it in the end, that Liam and I are good together. Harry, disappears from my view and I focus on everyone around me again. They lavish me with kind words and compliments, which I accept. I am finally in the right frame of mind were I can accept compliments and believe the words spoken about me. I take in these last moments, these last moments of fame. These people here won’t want to know me soon, once my career has ended. They have taken everything they could from me over the years. They have bled me dry, meaning soon I will just be an old name, who use to sell newspapers and magazines. I won’t sell magazines and newspapers anymore, so stories about me will be useless. The memories of everything I have done, will be all I have to survive on then. I’m not sure now if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I have been use to this life for too long, I don’t know it any other way than this. I have been surrounded by people I employ all my life, telling me everything I have wanted to hear. I won’t have any of them when I am just Sienna. They only want to know Sienna Star and after tonight I’m done with that. I am finished with being this global superstar. I look around, finding Liam, who smiles back at me. He is proud of me and everything that I have achieved. I realise than that these people here don’t care and nor do they matter anymore. They don’t love me, not how he does. I politely excuse myself, making my way back to him. He engulfs me in his arms, when I reach him and he holds me tightly. “You were incredible babe, I’m so proud of you.” His words warm me inside, making me feel content and blissfully happy as I stand beside him. I smile up at him, staring into his soft brown eyes. I can see it, I can see the love he has for me. The love that has always been there, but I almost missed out on it. I almost let him slip through my fingers. I nearly missed out on us because I was too busy waiting on a love that would never come. I wouldn’t haven’t got through everything, without him. He has taught me how to love, and I do love him. I really do love him, but there will always be a part of me that loves, Harry Styles too.