Chapter 5

It took a few more seconds until he went on speaking. “What are you doing here?”

Now, I admit that I had thought he’d be doing fine. It had been almost two months since we had not spoken to eachother so I thought he wouldn’t be so caught off guard seeing me, I had just expected him to not care, be indifferent about it but he seemed just as confused as me. And that was just because all I could think about was the last time we had had sex which I know is kind of weird but then again, also very meaningful because I knew very well what had happened that night.

“I have to tell you something” I announced, wondering if because he hadn’t seen me in a while, he might have been able to tell that I had gained some weight and not that kind that’s all over the body but only in one place. He didn’t seem suspicious though, just surprised and obviously curious. I had thought he’d send me away but instead, he took a step back and opened the door a bit more, making an inviting motion with his hand. “Come in then.”

I did as he said and walked past him and into the house. He closed the door, then turned to me. I stood in my old home awkwardly, not knowing where to go and where to put my hands. I looked around. “Is Bronx here?” “Yeah, he’s sleeping upstairs.” I nodded slowly, realising how much I missed the little guy. “How is he?” Pete smiled and it made me feel a lot more comfortable about being here, not welcome but at least it showed me he wasn’t completely thrown off by seeing me. “He’s good, exhausted, we had a long day.” I smiled too. “I miss him” I admitted and he took a deep breath because I knew there would be no reply to that.

He swallowed, then his eyes bored into mine. “What did you want to tell me? Anything important?” I sighed. “Do you think I’d come all the way down here if it wasn’t?” He sighed too and shrugged, then smiled weakly at his own stupid question. “I guess not. Were you out?” he asked and eyed me up at down. I looked down myself and smiled nervously, running my fingers through my hair. “Yeah, with Sofia and Mandy. But then I just … I realised that what I had to tell you couldn’t wait and was more important.”

I knew I had to say it quickly or he’d think that I had come back to tell him that I still loved him or that I wanted him back or that I had changed my mind about marrying him but I never would’ve done that and he should’ve known that. Never would I think that he still wanted me, that is proposal was still valid. I had ruined it walking out the door behind me. I also hoped he knew I wasn’t that naive.

He looked at me curiously, obviously awaiting what I had to say, wanting to know badly enough to not interrupt me. I gathered together all that was left of my confidence and I was glad I looked like that right now, all dressed up and everything and he didn’t. But I mean, we all know he didn’t need to, he looked good no matter what. I inhaled deeply and held his gaze. I knew I had to tell him, I knew I shouldn’t wait any longer, it had to be now because now he knew something was up. I was scared of his reaction but there was really no way back now.

“I’m pregnant.” His eyes widenend and he gasped, then took a step towards me. He looked closely at me and his intense eyes were drilling into mine as if that would change things. I shot him an apologizing look.

“And why are you telling me? Do you need anything?” I took a step back and stared at him in disbelief. It took a few seconds for the words to sink in but they were loud and clear and I couldn’t comprehend he had really just said that. How slutty did he think I was? “Don’t you know me at all, you asshole?! Have we not been together long enough for you to know me?!” I called and had his full attention again. He stared at me. “What?” “Do you think I just go off and bang a random stranger and then I come to you for money or some shit? I told you that I didn’t want to use you in any way before and you think I pull shit like that now?! Really? What the fuck…?”

I wasn’t sure if those were the hormones or if it was justified to freak out. Or was I exaggerating? “You’re unbelivable, I thought you knew me.” Now it took him a few seconds.

“Are you saying it’s mine?” he asked and his voice became soft, he stepped towards me and reached out for my hand but I pulled it away. I shook my head in disbelief but then slapped my own forehead to show him how stupid he was behaving. “Of course it’s yours, you idiot! Do you think I’d be telling you if it wasn’t?” “For the record, I didn’t think you were using me before. And also, I didn’t think that now, I was just confused, I needed more info.” I gasped. “Do you have enough info now?!”

He ran his fingers through his hair, then covered his eyes with his flat hand. “Charlie, that is…” “…insane, I know” I went on and he nodded slowly, exhaling loudly. “Wow.” He was definitely shocked but I also, just for a split second, saw a little smile on his face. I really couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want him back or anything, I really didn’t but seriously,  I had to know what he was thinking right now. Practically, the baby’s future and my future were in his hands.

Before I could step away any further, he took another step forward and wrapped his arms around me tightly, rubbing my back and holding me as if he was comforting me. Feeling him so close and breathing in his scent made me feel a lot different than I had expected it would. I had been under the impression that I was completely over him in that way, that the only thing that was keeping me from moving on was how things had ended and how much I’d  miss the time we had spent together.

I sighed and patted his back before trying to free myself from his embrace. He backed away hesitantly and looked at me with an expression on his face that I couldn’t read. “Can I ask you where you live now?” he asked and I realised that he was trying to stay calm and keep a pokerface on when really, he was trying to hide a strong emotion. I wondered what he wanted to conceal and why. “Somewhere I will hopefully move away from when I have the baby. But I didn’t come here to ask you for money, I came here because you obviously deserve to know, Pete. And to give you the chance of deciding what you want. I mean, I’m well aware that you don’t care what the public and the press think of you but I still wanted to give you the chance to tell me what you want to make of this. If you don’t want this connected to you, I will pretend that I got knocked up by some stranger, only Mandy and Sofia know.”

Even while I was talking, he was already shaking his head. “No, no, I stand by my actions. You’re pregnant and it’s mine and I don’t expect you to pretend it isn’t. I don’t care if anybody knows, not for my sake at least. If you don’t want to be dragged into this again, not with a baby especially, I can understand that.” “You’ve done all of this before so you know what’s best. All I need to know eventually is if I’m on my own with this or not. I really don’t mean to pressure you and I can understand if you don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t think it’s going to be that easy. I mean, look at you and Ashlee. I don’t want to hate you like that, I don’t want you to hate me like that but we ended on such bad terms that I feel so weird even speaking to you right now.” He nodded and gave me a weak smile. “I’m going to support you, you’re going to move back in here.” I eagerly shook my head. “No way, Pete! We’re not doing that. We don’t get along anymore, not after what happened.” “For the baby, we have to put that behind us. I don’t want you living in some shady part of town, no way. That isn’t what you need when you’re pregnant.”

And that’s when he turned the switch for me again. Suddenly, he wasn’t so obsessive at all anymore and he was his old self again, the self I had fallen in love with. The sweet guy who cared and who wanted to make everything right for other people, the hero of so many fans whose lives he had saved, including mine, several times. I smiled affectionally but then snapped out of it again.

“No, Pete, I can’t move back in with you, that’s not going to work.” “Let me pay for a proper place then and for all the stuff you need.” I shook my head again. “No, I don’t want to take your money for anything other than the baby.” “It is for the baby! So you can safely prepare for it, is that too much to ask? I want to participate and while the baby is inside your body, that’s the only way I can! You want my decision? I stand by this baby and I stand by you and I want to support you so can you let me do that?”

I took a deep breath. “You’re not going to buy me a new place, Wentz” I said quietly. He smiled. “Then move back in here, Miller. We can put what happened behind us.” I shut my eyes, then opened them again. “It’s not that easy.” His voice became serious too now. “I’m not asking you to take me back, Charlie, that ship has sailed. All I want is to provide you with all the necessary circumstances for giving birth and preparing for it. Now that I know you live in some weird area, I would be worried sick for you and that kid.” I rolled my eyes. “Pete…”

Leave out the pregnancy and this was the biggest déjà vu. My face came crashing down on his chest and I started crying.