Chapter 8 - Courage or the lack thereof

"You wanted what?" I said to Mon when she came to see me at the office.

She was still limping.

I expected her to call in sick or take a few days off until she was better but I was wrong.

Nita mentioned that Mon had never missed a day of work since she started in this company.

It was admirable indeed but sometimes I wondered which was worse?

Absenteeism or presenteeism?

Does she take a special kind of vitamins that prevented her from getting sick?

Or does she just suck it all up and kept working because she was out to prove something?

"You said you would write the story with me. If I am going to do this, I want you to commit to that."

"Did you forget that I am your boss?"

"What does it have to do with your pitch?" She was not backing down.

"I'm saying I could change my mind being the boss and all," I said it with such superiority that Mon look disgusted by it.

"Are you changing your mind about this thing that you were so passionate about a few days ago?"

"The last time I proposed this idea you were so against it. Why are you pushing this now?"

Mon didn't answer.

Her silence gave me time to think of a way to not let her pursue this.

When I left her and Yuki at the hospital, I really thought she was going to trash the idea.

I was surprised when she called and asked for a meeting.

Despite my packed schedule, I accommodated her request.

It was Mon after all.

Nita can wait.

What I couldn't tell her was how writing the story was going to be a problem.

When I got home and had the chance to think about what I said, I was not so keen on the part where I have to tell my side of the story.

Do I really want to go back to that dark time and recall every single excruciating and painful detail when I broke up with her?

I went to therapy to deal with it.

The hour-long sessions with the psychologist was tedious but over time, it paid off.

I was also given homework and exercises.

It was actually my therapist's idea to write our story and then say goodbye to what Mon and I did.

She said maybe it would put things to rest.

If I cannot do anything about my grandmother's wishes, then perhaps I could do something about the other stuff in my life.

This was originally a spur of the moment idea to help Mon get out of the writing rut she was in.

I didn't predict the complications that came with it.

I talked about being relatable but I was not like that.

It was not easy for me to open myself up to other people.

I trusted only a few and Mon was one of them.

I don't even fully trust Kirk even though we've known each other since we were kids.

When I broached this pitch, it was because I wanted her to forgive me.

I was that desperate.

What I didn't think about was how much of a challenge it was going to be.

"You don't have to write it, Mon. It was a stupid idea anyway."

"It's a great idea then." She crossed her arms over her chest, her stance direct and challenging.

"When we were at the rose garden, you opposed it. You were right. You shouldn't be forced to do something against your will. The process should come naturally for you. Forgiveness should be freely given."

"You talk as if I don't know you."

"What do you mean?"

"You refused to partner with me because it would mean opening yourself up to other people. You've always been afraid of showing your vulnerability because you don't want them to take advantage of you."

"You're right. I don't want anyone to know that this was going to be based on a true story. Even if I write it under an alias, knowing that it was about me makes me uncomfortable. I don't think I would be able to present a viable story that people would like."

"What about those talks about being relatable and connecting to people? Or of me losing my touch and writing the same theme over and over?"

"I didn't mean it."

"You meant it."

I held my breath so I don't scream at her.

I was frustrated at how pushy she was.

"What about me forgiving you for what you did? Did you give up on that too?" She sounded hurt.

Mon looked me straight in the eyes and I held her gaze for as long as I could.

But then I blinked.

"Do you want to forgive me?"

"Let's see what happens while we write this thing together," She shrugged.

"I said this many times already. It was dumb of me to suggest it just because I wanted your forgiveness. You could write something better."

"You know what's more stupid?"

"What?"

"I actually believed that maybe this time, you would be brave enough to go for the thing you really want."

She turned around, more like limp away before I could respond.

If she only knew the real reason why I changed my mind.

Perhaps she would understand why I abandoned this thing.

Even if we patch things up and she forgives me for leaving her all those years ago, nothing could change the fact that I was still going to marry Kirk.

If he wasn't in the picture, if my grandmother didn't favour him, my relationship with Mon would have been perfect.

But this situation was like a wound that would heal and then come back a few days later.

It pestered until it infected what I had with Mon.

But instead of doing something to get rid of it, I covered it up with Band-Aid.

That short-term fix costs me a long-term heartache.

The wound got bigger over the years.

I was good as dead when I broke up with Mon.

But I didn't lock myself up in my room.

I woke up everyday, joined grandmother and my sisters for breakfast and smiled a lot more.

My heart was shattered but I kept the heartache to myself.

The world kept spinning but for me, it stopped on its axis when I turned my back on the only girl that mattered.

How could I keep living if the one who gave me so much joy no longer trusted me?

At night, when I think it was quiet and dark enough to hide I cried and cried until there were no more tears coming out.

How was it possible to feel like you've lost everything when it was only Mon I'm hurting for?

Song understood what I was going through.

The day when I came back after I took Mon out on a date, she saw me just as I came out of the car.

I was going to sneak inside the house but she came to the garage and found me.

It was already late at night.

I knew why she was also up.

"How was your date?" She had a teasing look on her face.

"How was your date?" I shot back.

"You go first."

I told her everything.

From the time I showed up at Mon's house, the breakfast with her parents and how I could tell that her mom liked me.

Mon's dad was quiet but he didn't make me feel unwelcomed.

He listened and nodded when I said something that also made sense to him.

I couldn't keep myself from smiling when I told Song that Mon liked me too.

She squealed then quickly covered her mouth.

"You're dating now?" She squeezed my arms.

"Yes.""Oh my god, Mon. I am so happy for you," She wrapped me in a tight hug.

We were about to go inside the house when the door to the attached garage opened.

Song and I stopped in our tracks and breathed a sigh of relief when we saw that it was only Neung.

"What are you both doing here?" She had a suspicious look on her face.

"Nothing," Song and I both said at the same time.

"Grandma just went upstairs. You'd better do too if you don't want to get in trouble."

Neung went in first and waved at us to go in when if was safe to do so.

She knew something was up so she followed me to my bedroom.

"You'd better confess if you know what's good for you."

I turned around and she was standing by the door.

"There's nothing to say," I took off my jacket and tossed it on the chair.

"You and Song were squealing like you just won the lottery. Now," She walked closer then sat on my bed.

"Tell me what's going on or I will tell grandma you took my car to go on a date."

"You wouldn't.""I could."

"You're so annoying." I sat beside her.

"Did you finally get the girl?"

"What girl?"

"Sam, I saw the wallpaper on your phone. The picture was blurry but she looked cute."

"What were you doing with my phone?"

"That's not the point. Now, tell me. Does she like you too?"

I nodded.

Once again, I smiled until it became so big because my heart couldn't seem to control the movements of my lips.

I was bursting with so much happiness that my facial muscles just move on its own.

"I'm proud of you, sis." She pinched my cheeks.

I pushed her hand away.

She knew I never liked when she does that.

"When do I get to meet her?"

"One of these days."

"Don't make me wait too long. I want to see what makes her so special that my little sister couldn't stop acting like a goofball."

My sisters loved Mon.

I knew they would.

But to see them fawning over her and be protective was very heartwarming.

Neung even told Mon to call her if I'm being difficult.

She would be the one to knock sense into me so that Mon didn't have to.

I wished she was here to do that.

Song was no longer around and Neung left when grandmother forced her to marry.

I missed my sisters.

Now I'm alone and clueless how to get out of the tight spot I made for myself.

Mon was obviously hurt with when I changed my mind about the story.

I was hurt too.

One of the things I always wanted was to be brave but I failed her in the past and the present.

I never intended to do that.

But it was becoming clear to me that even without it being intentional, I ended up causing her more pain.

I leaned back on the swivel chair and closed my eyes.

There was a meeting scheduled for 10am with Nita but I don't feel like going anymore.

But I'm not the boss now so I willed myself to stand up and go.

She was already in the conference room when I arrived.

Elegant in a red pleated sleeved jumpsuit, Nita gave off the impression that nothing could ruffle her feathers.

She always looked so put together.

"Ah, I'm glad you're here." She motioned towards the seat across from her.

I apologized for being late and gave the excuse that something urgent came up.

"Was it Mon?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Uhmmm...," I was at a loss for words.

How did she know about that?

"I saw her coming down from your office. The poor girl. I told her to take time off since she has three weeks worth of vacation days but she didn't want to. She's so dedicated."

I checked to see if there was sarcasm in her tone but there was nothing.

Maybe she genuinely likes Mon as an employee but since I got here, all I hear from Nita was praises for Mon.

I shouldn't feel jealous.

I should be happy that someone else appreciated her.

But why am I irritated whenever Nita complimented Mon?

We proceeded with the meeting.

She discussed the proposal from a wedding planning company that was owned by women.

"They're not just ordinary women, Sam. They're married."

I frowned.

"Well, the country still doesn't allow it but when I met with them, there was no other way to describe their relationship. They've been together for thirty years. Now, they have this company and over the years, more and more people from the community are getting their services. I thought that since your former company, Diversity, dealt with these kinds of stories, it would be perfect to feature Infinity in time for Valentines Day." She was beaming.

"You want an LGBTQ story to advertise the company?"

"Exactly."

"In the previous articles I reviewed, these stories are few and far between. What made you decide to put this in the forefront?"

"Times are changing, Sam. The narrative is not just about the binary. We have always existed but we're ignored. It was time to put a stop to that. There are so many stories and lessons to be learned. If no one would initiate, how would the stories and our lives be perceived as normal?"

My brain focused on Nita.

Was she like me too?

"I wanted this to be special. To do that, I thought of launching a different online magazine for your company. I know how difficult it was to close Diversity and I hope that in doing this, you could continue the things you wanted for your baby. Are you okay with this?"

"I never thought you'd go as far as to do something for Diversity."

"Hey, when I proposed the idea to merge, it wasn't because I was out to destroy you. On the contrary, my plan was to make us both stronger in this industry. Now, are you good with the idea of a new online magazine?"

"Of course."

"We should think of a name then. Something fitting for the stories we want to feature."

"How about we table that for now?" I suggested.

"Okay." She closed the laptop and I thought we were done with the meeting.

"There was one other thing that was part of the agenda."

"What is it?"

"I'm going on vacation. My trip to Bordeaux had been cancelled so many times that I couldn't even remember when and why I booked it in the first place.""You're going to France?"

"Yes. I was so happy when you finally accepted my offer to work with me. I could take off and not worry about checking my laptop and managing the company from a different continent. Not that I couldn't make it work but you know?"

Dang.

I can't remember the last time I took time off and really enjoyed it.

Before I could immerse myself in thoughts of going somewhere remote and scenic, Nita spoke again.

"What do you think of Vivre?"

"Huh?" I didn't know what she was talking about.

"The title for the new magazine for Diversity?"

Oh.

"Is that what you wanted to call it?"

"Yes. It sounds solid. It means to live plus it's French." She winked.

"It's promising."

"I want us to feature life in all its glory – joy, love, heartbreak." Her face lit up.

Mon's angry face crossed my mind.

"I have the perfect person to write the first article for your magazine."

"Who?" I pretended not to know.

"Who else but Mon?" Her tone went up a pitch higher.

If Nita was indeed a woman loving woman like myself, then my suspicions that she liked Mon more than an employee could be true.

"This would give her the chance to come out of her shell. I mean she wrote a lot of great articles but lately they were all starting to sound so impersonal. The last thing I wanted to happen is for her to get stuck and have a hard time getting out of it. She's too talented. It would be a waste."

That's it.

She was totally fangirling over Mon.

"Do you have an idea of what would be a great article for our first issue?"

I thought of the conversation I had with Mon and how upset she was that I bailed on her because I was too afraid to do it.

"It's almost Valentines Day, Sam. Love is in the air. This should be a no-brainer."

I pushed Mon's angry face out of my mind.

Nita was waiting for an answer.

"You just said it. Love is in the air," I answered.

"That's too generic. Vivre won't come out as unique. I'm sure everyone else has the same idea. We need a different spin if we want Diversity to come out on top."

Mon's angry words about me not having the courage to work for my forgiveness came back.

Maybe the universe was giving me a sign?

That moment at the rose garden when I took Mon back there came back to me.

The words were surfacing from my chest and rising fast to my throat.

I could see every letter forming with clarity and before I could rein them in, I blurted it out to Nita.

"How about a story about two ex-lovers who are trying to find their way to forgiveness?"

"Oh. That's different." Her eyebrow arched a little.

"Isn't that what you wanted? Something that would set Diversity's magazine apart from the rest?"

"Yes, but where's the love?"

"It will be everywhere. In the stories they have to tell. The places they've been to. The promises they kept and broke." My voice got soft when I said that part."Hmmmm...." Nita tapped her manicured nail on the rose wood desk.

"How did you come up with this idea? Is this about you?"

"Of course not," I replied as calmly as I could.

"I knew them from way back and figured their story would fit perfectly for the Valentine debut of Vivre."

"Are they both women? Men?" Nita leaned forward.

"Women."

That's great," Nita clasped her hands.

"Why don't you and Mon get to it already so you can start working on the story? There's a month left before February 14. You can brainstorm how you want the stories to come out. I'm thinking we can post this in fourteen installments."

"Fourteen?"

"Yes. The ending will be posted on Valentines Day. Now whether it's happy or not is up to you and Mon to figure out."

I gulped.

In my head, I was only thinking of one story.

What if Mon didn't agree to do this especially since I pissed her off.

Again.

"I'd better go," Nita glanced at her gold watch.

"I have a lunch meeting."

She stood up and I did the same thing.

"Sam, I am looking forward to what you can bring to this company and to Diversity's Vivre magazine." She squeezed my shoulders then kissed me on the cheeks.

I swallowed the thick lump of fear that coated my throat.