Chapter 7 - Memories

Sam didn't have to say anything.

I know she was disappointed.

But what am I supposed to do?

I didn't want her to drop me off and find out that I have my own place now.

It had nothing to do with where I lived.

My place was in a decent and quiet neighborhood.

The one-bedroom apartment was not as massive as her house but it was my own.

I'm just not ready for her to find out more things about me.

Yuki was surprised to see Sam and couldn't keep the excitement to herself.

She went as far as to hug her.

Sam stood stiff not knowing how to handle the affection from one of my dearest friends.

Before we left, she gave Yuki the instructions from the doctor and the pharmacist.

She remembered every single detail and asked Yuki to help put ice to the injured knee.

"Why didn't you let her drop you off instead of us taking the taxi?" Yuki asked as soon as I was settled on the pink faux leather couch that she helped picked from a bargain store.

I raised my right leg on the coffee table while she busied herself on the kitchen to get some ice.

"I think you know why," I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

The tiredness was getting to me.

My eyelids were heavy and my body felt as if it was hit by a truck.

The exhaustion was not only from the sharp pain on my knee but also from what took place when Sam and I were at the rose garden.

There was a barrage of emotions that swept over me when I saw the place.

She was right when she said that I was happy there but that was a long time ago.

Going back felt like a violation.

I was not ready for the memories that came with seeing the first place we visited when she took me out for a date.

I was reminded of that day when on an early Saturday morning, I saw a white Audi SUV parked in front of our house.

I was not expecting her visit.

Even my parents were stunned to see her standing in the front door looking sheepish.

My mom let her in and that was when Sam asked her and my dad if she could take me on a date.

I had just woken up and was coming down the stairs when I heard her voice.

I peeked from the corner and listened.

We had this conversation at school one afternoon.

I kept saying no because I couldn't tell if she was serious or if she was just messing with me.

She said that if I didn't want to go out with me, she would ask my parents.

If they say yes, then I am obliged to go out with her.

What kind of a date was that if she was literally forcing me to go?

Her friends warned me that Sam was not used to doing things like that.

If she did, it would come out weird and awkward.

They advised me to let her do her thing and not feel scared.

It was Sam's way of showing her feelings and she wouldn't just do it for anyone.

Should I feel special that she showed up unannounced and asked my clueless parents?

My mom remembered her while my dad probably recognized her from the magazines and TV appearances that her grandmother was featured in.

Before answering Sam's question, my mother asked if she had breakfast already.

Sam shook her head slowly unsure and she opened the door wider to let her in.

"Why don't you join us? It's still early and I'm not sure if Mon is already awake," She looked at my father who didn't know what to do with our visitor.

"Aon, why don't you check on Mon? See if she's up?" She pointed towards the second floor.

"Sure, sure," He bowed as if addressing royalty then went up.

I met him halfway and he told me about Sam.

"What is she doing here?" My hair was tied in a messy bun and I was still wearing pajamas.

"She asked if she could take you out on a date," My dad tried to suppress a smile but I could tell that he was amused.

"That Sam," I grunted.

"Why don't you fix yourself up and come downstairs for breakfast?"

I went back to my room to wash my face, combed my hair and changed into something decent which was basically a clean pair of denim shorts and pink cotton tees.

When I joined them at the table, my mom was telling Sam about her early days at our private school where she started as a teaching assistant before finally getting hired full-time.

She also talked about how the move from England to Thailand was hard on me.

"She got teased a lot for being half white," Mom finished slathering butter on toast then gave the plate to Sam.

I cleared my throat.

They both looked up when they saw me.

"Ah. Good. You're here. Sam has been waiting for you," My mother's smile was so big and bright I wondered what brought it on.

Was she also fascinated by Sam who was sitting there like a lost puppy?

"Why don't you sit beside Sam so we can start eating?" Mom pulled the chair giving me no choice but to do what she asked.

I glanced at Sam who sat straight, her back not touching the chair.

Her hands were placed firmly on her lap.

We've only known each other a few months.

Her friend told me not to be fooled by the calm expression.

She must be frazzled by the attention my mother was giving her.

"Let's eat," Mom said to all of us.

The sweet and floral smell of tea brought a sense of calmness in me.

There was freshly baked bread that my dad was generously smearing with butter.

Sam picked up the bread that my mother gave her and started eating.

She just took a bite when my mother asked more questions about the choir.

She finished chewing before answering.

"Mon said you are preparing for the school play," My mother's face was beaming.

"Yes, Teacher Pohn. We decided to sing an all-original soundtrack." Her face lit up while she talked of music.

"That's great. But isn't it going to be hard?"

"It will be but it's good to do something different before we graduate."

"Mon had some songs written. Maybe she could help? It was her dream to be in the choir. Now that she's in, she wouldn't stop talking about it."

"Mom..." I glared at her to shut up but she only laughed.

"Does she play any instruments?"

I was sitting beside her and she couldn't ask me directly?

"She learned to play the piano on her own and now she's teaching herself how to play the guitar." I heard the pride in her voice.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sam turned to me.

"You didn't ask," I bit the toast and chewed.

"Now you know, Sam. She had some good songs hidden in the drawers."

My mother, for all her good intentions, was starting to make me feel embarrassed.

"She's blushing," My dad pointed with the butter knife.

"Can you please stop doing this right now?" I begged.

"Okay, okay." My mom raised her hand.

Dad laughed at how comfortable I was.

"Let's finished our breakfast so you and Sam can go."

Sam frowned, confused with what she heard.

"You're letting me take Mon on a date?"

"Isn't that what you came here for?" Mom asked.

"Yes, Teacher Pohn." A small smile was on her lips.

"Then you two go out and have fun. It's good for Mon to go somewhere other than her bedroom and the kitchen." Mom teased.

Sam relaxed after that.

She was animated as she talked about her plans after graduation.

I learned that she wanted to go into business school so she could start her own company.

"It's good to have big dreams," My mom sounded proud.

Sam's eyes lit up when she heard that.

I was amazed at how Sam warmed up to my mother.

It was not easy for her to open up to other people.

My mother on the other hand was well loved by her students.

To see how Sam open up to her without much of an effort was even more fascinating.

I was seeing a different side of her and it felt good.

After breakfast, I was going to help clear out the dishes like we always do but my mom told me to get ready.

"You'd better go so you're not stuck in traffic," She pushed me out of the kitchen.

Before going upstairs, I asked Sam where we're going.

"Wear something comfy," She answered.

"That was like the vaguest answer."

Sam smiled.

"Just don't wear any high heels." She grinned.

I shook my head and ran upstairs.

When I came back, Sam was playing with Sua.

His tongue was sticking out like it always does but Sam didn't seem to mind that his drool was dripping down her jeans.

She was rubbing the top of his head and he cuddled closer to her chest liking the attention he was getting.

"Are you ready?" I stood in front of them.

Sam looked up, her mouth open wide and eyes transfixed on me.

She held her gaze for what seemed like forever until the warmth crept to my cheeks and turned my cheeks into a deep crimson.

I was just wearing a pair of old but newly washed jeans with a white button down over a black camisole.

The way she looked at me made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

My parents saw us off that day.

There was happiness in my mother's eyes that I couldn't quite explain.

It was the first time I was going out on a date but even without us talking about anything yet, I could tell that she was fond of Sam.

Sam opened the door for me.

When she got in the car, I rolled down the window and waved to my mom and dad.

They were still standing in the front yard as Sam drove away.

"How did you hurt yourself anyway?" Yuki's voice brought me back to the present.

She sat down beside me and gently placed the ice over my knee.

"Were you running away from Sam?" She teased.

"I was," I took my phone and set a timer for twenty minutes.

"Why?" Yuki's curiosity was piqued.

I told her about the story that Sam pitched.

"She wasn't wrong you know," She said after I told her the details of what led to this injury.

"What do you mean? You always liked the articles I post."

"I know and they're good and you're my friend and I support you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Yuki pursed her lips.

"Take that article about lesbian sex."

"What about it?"

"It was about positions and stuff like that but..." She paused.

"But what?"

"It was beautifully written, helpful and specific but there was something missing."

"What's missing?"

"I didn't feel the intimacy. Since I know you haven't been with anyone for a long time, I sensed that it was based on research that's why there was a disconnect."

It hurts to hear that so I defended my story.

"I'm not about to write about my sex life and share it with everyone else."

"You don't have a sex life to write about anyway," She shot back.

Ouch.

"But that was not the point."

"What is your point?"

"Maybe Sam was right. The stories that appeal to a lot of people are the ones that come from the heart. We have to be able to relate to a story for us to feel something. Pain is better than indifference."

When I didn't respond, she placed her hand on mine.

"I'm not saying this to hurt you. I know that it's hard to hear these things and I didn't want to interfere with your process or anything but it wouldn't hurt to consider her suggestion. Besides, you've been carrying that burden for a long time. Don't you want to let it go?"

"I do but what if it doesn't work?"

"You wouldn't know if you don't try."

I couldn't sleep that night.

The dull pain throbbed despite the pain reliever I took before going to bed.

I laid in the dark thinking of what Yuki said.

Miss Nita's face also came to mind and how she had always been supportive of what I wanted to pitch.

To hear that Sam was right was a painful blow to my ego.

Was I losing my touch?

Why didn't Yuki say something sooner?

Was it because she was afraid I'd be upset if she did?

I'd be hurt for sure.

Writing was my safe space.

It just happened that I made a living out of it.

From the start, I made a vow to myself to never share my private life with anyone.

I write how-to articles not novels.

The point of that was to help people deal with their own suffering through practical tips and life changing ideas.

"What do you have to come back and turn everything upside down?" I whispered in the dark.

When she was around, things go awry.

Not everything was bad because she and I had some wonderful things like that day when she took me to the rose garden.

When we got there, the host led us to the restaurant that Sam booked ahead of time.

It was filled with endless rows of pink roses.

The brightness of the sun coupled with the vibrant pink flowers was paradise at best.

After lunch, she asked if I would like to go for a walk.

I discovered that there was a beach not far from the restaurant.

The midday sun was getting hotter as we meandered along the shore.

We took off our shoes and left it behind a rock.

Sam picked up a shell and held it closer to me.

The crashing waves roared in my ears.

I closed my eyes and imagined the water coming towards us and soaking our clothes and bodies.

When I opened them again, Sam's face was only a few inches away from me.

"I really like you, Mon." She whispered.

My heartbeat was a bullet train hurtling in my chest.

The advice from her friends came back to me.

Sam's expression turned to worry the longer I didn't respond.

"I like you too. A lot," I took her hand in mind.

She smiled and let go of the shell she was holding so she could wrap both of my hand in hers.

It was the happiest day of my life.

The girl I liked felt the same way.

Sam was right that I was happy that day.

Despite the nervousness of finally admitting my feelings, she saw through me and made sure that it was a day I wouldn't forget.

I still haven't forgotten.

To this day, when I think of how she came unannounced and then took me to a place I've never been before because she wanted us to be together, the wistfulness and promise of what she did overcame the pain of remembering.

There was a small box in my heart that hid all of those wonderful memories.

I kept it locked to protect it from the damage that was cause by our breakup.

But tonight, as I thought of what to do with her idea, I unlocked that part of my heart and allowed myself to remember the happy days we had together.

Those extraordinary moments when I believed that she and I could have a future together.

I gave myself the chance to smile and laugh at the big and small things that made us who we are – two girls in love.

When we were together, Sam showed me that I could do impossible things.

She was with me every step of the way.

Her faith in me was unparalleled and it made me a little braver.

But there was one thing she couldn't keep.

Everytime I remember that, the happiness was completely washed away by the pain of that memory.

If I wanted to do this story, I would only do so in one condition.