Chapter 34

^^ Everyone meet Sutter's cousin, Cross. *drooling*

Lilly's POV

I do terrible at my meet. Or terrible by my standards at least, because I don't come in first place.

The whole time I was just thinking about Sutter, and what he said to me. I can't remember a time he had ever been that mad at me. But I guess I also never did anything to deserve that kind of fury, either. I still wasn't sure if what I did warranted his reaction. I understand that having sex with his cousin and best friend is upsetting, of course, but worth him screaming at me in the parking lot and then not coming to watch me swim? I didn't think so.

All of what happened with Cross when he first left. When I was in the worst place possible, in my depression and my rebellion. I didn't care who I was hurting, even if it was me, unbeknownst at the time. I did whatever I wanted, without fear of what the next day would bring.

I had no emotion, no conscience telling me that what I was doing was wrong. I even think, in some twisted way, that I did it because I knew it would hurt Sutter. It was my way of causing him pain, the way he caused me pain. It was me being tit for tat, and that wasn't right, but there was nothing I could do to change it now.

Jesse and Nadine were giving me a ride home, or to the Mayfield's home I should say. Not sure if it would be my home anymore after this afternoon, and whatever fight I was about to walk into.  Im not sure what to expect when I walk through that front door, and I hate that feeling. I lived with that feeling for years, and I was starting to get used to not feeling anxious or frightened all the time.

The car ride has been silent the whole way, every one not really sure what to say, and knowing the atmosphere isn't really for chit chatting right now. When Jesse pulls up to their house, I take a deep breath and start mentally preparing myself for the worst. Nadine turns around to look at me, and offers me a smile, and I do my best to return one.

"Call us if you need anything, you know we will come back and get you if we need to." Jesse says, and I lean forward to give him a squeeze on his shoulder. Thankful that I always have someone who will be there for me, no matter how many times I decide to fuck things up.

    When I walk through the front door, I don't see or hear anybody. I saw Sutter's truck in the driveway, but didn't think to check the garage to see if anyone else was home yet. My meet lasted around three hours, so its only eight o'clock, but normally everyone is home by then.

    I'm not brave enough to go in the kitchen, so instead I quietly make my way upstairs and into my bedroom without being seen. I noticed there was a light on under Sutter's door, and not one on in Jo's room. I strip out of my bathing suit and then go take a shower in the adjoining bathroom that Jo and I share. I take my time scrubbing my hair and body, trying to get the smell of the chlorine off of me.

    When I'm through showering and dressed, I'm pacing my room trying to figure out what I want to do. Do I want to go in his room and try to solve things, or do I want to give him his space and let him calm down? But then again, I don't want to leave him in there and let his mind wander and make him think things that aren't true, because I know he's in there trying to fill in all the blanks.

     I resolve myself to waiting, not wanting to make the night any worse. But to also give myself some time to think, because should he really have the right to be mad at me? And should I really have to explain myself? I've never asked him about the girls he kissed while he was away, so why is he so insistent about who my hook ups were with?

     Suddenly, there's a knock at my door, and I know it's him. Don't ask me how, I just do.

     "Come in." I say, and hate the way my voice shakes. I don't want him to know I'm nervous.

     He opens the door and walks in, and my heart still races at the sight of seeing him, even though I've seen him a million times. But it's also out of anxiousness this time.

     He comes and sits down on my bed, and pats the spot next to him. I slowly walk over to my bed and sit next to him, but not as close as we usually sit.

     He takes my hand in his and starts playing with my fingers. "How was your meet?"

     That's what he's asking me first? "I did terrible."

     He scoffs lightly. "That's not possible. When you're in the water there's no stopping you, I've seen it."

     "Yeah well, I finished second in every race." The distaste is clear in my voice, not being used to second place is an adjustment for me, and not one I'm working with well.

      "Do you not realize how good that is for how long you were out of practice?"

     I don't know what to think of him right now, I was expecting more yelling and more screaming. More fighting. I wasn't expecting him to come in here and act all..nice.

      "Is this really what you want to talk about?" I ask him, not being able to take it anymore.

      "Of course I want to know how you did, and I'm sorry I wasn't there. Me leaving and not going to watch you was inexcusable." He looks down, but not before I see the troubled look on his handsome face.

      "Can we talk about that?" I ask, because swimming is the last thing on my mind right now when things are less than perfect between him and I.

     "There's nothing to talk about, you and my cousin hooked up after I left you. You were single, you don't owe me an explanation, Lilly. It just really caught me off guard." I can tell he means what he's saying, but I can also tell he's dying to know everything about it. Or maybe he doesn't.

      "You can ask me anything you want and you know I'll answer it."

    He shakes his head. "I don't have any questions."

"The guy who hasn't stopped asking me questions since he got back, doesn't have any questions for me?" I ask, and try to smile to lighten the mood.

He's not smiling though and his eyes are casted down. "What is it?"

He shakes his head, like he's not going to answer but eventually responds. "I just don't know how much more I'm going to be punished for what I did."

My heart sinks. "What do you mean?"

"I did something really stupid when I was fifteen years old, and it seems like every time I turn around, I'm adding on another consequence that I have to deal with from that. You were with Denny, you did drugs, you turned to alcohol and sex for comfort, I hurt you even more than you already were which basically led to you hating me, and then you had sex with my cousin as well." He shakes his head like he can't comprehend all he just said.

I'm not even sure I know how to respond to him, so I decide to be brutally honest. "Sutter, you broke my heart and left me. I didn't know how to deal with that, and I know I didn't handle things in the best way. I'm sorry it hurts you, I would take it all back if I could. But you can't hold something against me that happened when we weren't together, or you and I are never going to be able to move forward together. We have to forgive each other."

"What you don't seem to understand Lilly, is I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself. Because none of this would have happened if I hadn't left you in the first place. I may not understand why the fuck you did it, but I don't blame you for it."

"Does it really matter why I did it?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "Probably not, but maybe then it would make sense or I could at least see things from your end. Because form my end right now, I cant imagine ever having sex with one of your cousins. I mean I took you to family outings and introduced you to all of them as my girlfriend, and then you were the mother of my child and we were a family. So its just really hard for me to wrap my head around the whole thing."

I try not to be offended by his words. "When Cross and I talked the first time after you left, we didn't really bring you up. So I guess it didn't seem that way to us."

He looks at me and I can't tell what he's feeling because his face is blank. "How did it happen, the first time you saw him?"

I look away. "I thought you didn't want to know." Truth is, I really don't want to tell him, but I won't lie to him about something of this nature.

"I changed my mind." He has a tilt to his voice, like he knows this isn't what I want to talk about, which probably makes him want to know even more.

"We saw each other at a party, with the Cove kids. He was there with some girl from that side of town, and he saw me getting ready to get in a vehicle with someone way too drunk to drive, and offered me a ride home." Talking about this night, I can't help but remember how cold it was, and how warm his hand felt when he wrapped it around my arm to stop me from getting inside the car.

"And then?" Sutter asks, and concentrated look on his face.

"Then, he dropped that girl off at her house, I think her name was Riley. He drove me home, and when we pulled up in front of my house, I told him I really didn't want to go home, and asked him if he could drive me to the cemetery. I told him I stayed there some nights. I think he just assumed it was because I was drunk and depressed, and didn't want my parents to see me. But either way, he didn't take me home, but he took me to his house to stay instead."

Cross's house was about the size of mine and Sutter's house combined, with his mom's family coming from old money, they definitely lived well. He had basically the whole downstairs of the house to himself, and his parents never really checked on him. And they were always out of town anyway, his dad job caused him to travel and his mom didn't work, so she always tagged along with him. Like me, he was often alone.

"He offered me his bed, and said he'd sleep in the guest room. He laid down on the bed next to me though, and we just started talking. About everything, and nothing too. And it was the first time since you had left that I didn't feel like I was the only person walking this earth." Unless you've truly been depressed, you don't know what it feels like to really be alone. Or to feel like no one else is there with you, all you have is the voice inside your head, and they never have anything nice to say either.

"And then that led to sex?" Sutter asks, and I can see the look of disgust in his eyes, and the downward shape of his lips.

"No, that didn't happen for a while."

"Who initiated it?"

"We both did." Not going to lie to him.

"Did you have to be drunk to have sex with him too?"

"No, he would refuse to have sex with me if I had anything in my system." Staying sober around him was a task at first, but then it became easy. He pauses and thinks about my answer before asking another one. "Did you have sex often or just a few times."

I squint my eyes. "Define often."

"More than ten times."

Well he's not going to like this. "Yes then, we had sex often."

He winces as if he's in pain, and puts his head in his hands.

"What?" I ask him, when he doesn't respond or ask anything else.

"I just cant fucking picture it. You being with anyone else because I know you were made for me. So when I hear that you were and then I picture it, it makes me feel like I'm going to be sick or something, I dont know. My chest feels like tight or something, and its hard to breathe."

Panic. That's what he was feeling, because I knew that emotion all too well. "I'm sorry." I whisper, because what else could I really say?

"I mean would it not bother you at all, if I was with someone else?" He asks, and my heart drops at just the thought of it.

"Of course it would, Sutter. It makes me sick to even hear you say those words, much less if it actually happened. I dont blame you at all for the way you feel, but like I said, I cant take it back. And if you had never left, there would never have been anyone else and you know that." I grab his hand with mine, and lace our fingers together, not liking all the distance between us.

"Did you have feelings for him?" He asks.

"Are you sure you want to keep talking about this?" I ask, trying my best to deflect this conversation and to stop it from happening.

He stares at me for a minute, seeming to think really hard about if he really wants to know this or not. 

"No, you're right. I dont want to hear anymore. Let's just do our best to make the most of the rest of the night, and tell me everything about your meet." He grabs my waist and pulls up the head of my bed and lays us down together, my head resting on his chest, and his fingers playing in my hair.

I tell him about my races, and he tells me about his game I missed the other night because of practice. We talk the rest of the night, and I know we will be okay after he kisses me softly on the lips a number of times.

Jo sticks her head in eventually, and looks at Sutter, never making eye contact with me. "You okay?" She asks him.

"Yeah, were good Jo. Thanks for asking." He gives her a light smile to assure her things are okay.

she just nods her head in return, and before she closes the door, she finally looks at me and I see nothing but pure rage behind her green irises. She's mad at me for what's happened with Cross.

And I can't say I blame her, because the reason I didn't want to answer Sutter's question about my feelings for his cousin? Is because yes; we did have feelings for each other. A lot more than we were ever willing to tell anyone else, and I'm not sure I'm ready to share that just yet.

A/N.    Ahhhhh, get ready y'all. Next couple of chapters are going to be Lilly's flash backs with Cross. Do you guys feel a love triangle coming on, or is that just me??

Guess you'll just have to wait and see! So strap in bitches (and guys if you're here too) its about to get crazyyyyy!

As always, thank you for your votes and comments! I live for them (: