Chapter 33

Sutter's POV

    Girls' man, they are something else.

    They know they have this power and hold over men, something that we will never possess. There's just something about a look that a woman can give you, and it can have you going crazy with worry, want, sadness, or curiosity all day.

    They can somehow use the magic of words and have us guys apologizing for things that we didn't even do. I'm not sure how it works, but it's definitely something to see. Especially when it's aimed at me from Lilly.

    She can look at me, and sometimes I can so easily read what she's trying to tell me with her eyes, whether it be positive or negative. When I first moved back to town, the first couple of times I saw her, her eyes were guarded, closed off. She held no trust for me in them. Now when she looks at me, it's lustful, happiness, or longing.

    It's been two weeks since Lil and I had sex for the first time again in nearly three years, and I felt like I was fifteen all over again. When you're young and start doing it, it's almost like an addiction and all you can think about, and you try to do it as much as possible. And I guess because we had an extended pause in our sexual activity, we picked back up where we left off.

    Any opportunity we found, we were having sex. Whether it was in one of rooms when the rest of the house was sleeping, my truck in the driveway, the tree house (which was definitely harder to do now that we were bigger), and sometimes the bathrooms at school again if Lilly practiced late. It was becoming a problem, because it was like both of us were insatiable.

    I'd like to add though, we were talking a lot more too, being open about things without the other having to practically force it out. Lilly admitted to me that she was starting to get worried she had a drinking problem, because for a while she felt like she couldn't go a day without having some time of alcohol in her system. I was happy though that she didn't feel like she had a drug problem as well.

     She was relieved when I told her I didn't think she had a drinking problem, because most people didn't so freely admit they were concerned they were an alcoholic. And there's nothing wrong with liking the taste of it, you just have to know your limits.

     When I asked her if she felt like she couldn't go days without it, her answer proved my point even more.

     "I haven't even really thought about drinking these last few days, actually." And I can see a sense of relief on her face as she says this.

     "See? Then I don't think it's as bad as you believe. I feel like drinking for you was more of a habit, than an addiction."

     She didn't look like she understood what I was trying to say. "What do you mean?"

      "I just mean that for so long, you were dependent on drugs or alcohol to help you with your pain and problems. They became your crutch. But even before I came back, you realized that drugs were definitely not going to help you, but only make you worse. And I think now you're starting to see that with alcohol too."

     She sighs and rolls over to lay on her back and stare up at my ceiling. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I just wish I could drink, and not always have to get drunk. Most of the time when I start drinking, I don't stop until my brain is practically mush."

      "That's just something we will have to work on, Lil. But like I said, that became a habit for you. You didn't drink at the party we went to before school started, you didn't get hammered the night we played our drinking game, and you haven't been thinking about it lately. You're not an addict, and we can work on you only drinking in moderation."

     She looks over at me, with appreciation in her eyes that I'm willing to help her solve all her problems.

      "You gonna monitor all my drinking, Mr. bartender?" She quips.

     "Oh, I'd be happy to, and amongst other things." Then I'm on top of her, pressing her down into the mattress and getting rid of anymore negative thoughts.

     Our conversations weren't always positive though, and they sometimes left us angry with each other. Which was something we were adjusting too as well, not realizing how passionate us having sex would make us again.

      "Just give me a number Lilly, I know you have to have one."

     She rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed with me. "I really don't have a number, why the hell would I keep up with that?"

     "I can tell you how many times we've had sex, it's really not that hard."

      "That's different, which is what I'm trying to tell you!" She shouts at me, not caring that I'm sure my whole family can hear us. "Denny and I were not me and you, I didn't care about our relationship the way I care about us. I was never sober when Denny and I had sex. So I can't tell you how many times we had sex."

     "Then just spitball a number. If you had a gun to your head and someone said tell me the number, what would it be?" I realize it's very juvenile for me to be worried about how many times Lilly and Denny had sex, but I'm only human.

     She groans in frustration. "Gun to my head, I'd say like a hundred times."

     "A HUNDRED TIMES?" I screech loudly, and have to swallow to keep the bile down that rose up in my throat. "You had sex with him that much? Honestly? Didn't you have anything else better to do?"

     "Sutter, you were gone for over two years! That's not a lot in two and half years if you really break it down."

     "Yeah, but you weren't even with Denny for the first year I was gone. So it was only a year and a half. I mean dear god, is that all you did with your time? Is fuck Denny when you could?"

     I see a ton of emotions cross over her face, but finally her face settles, and I can tell I've hurt her feelings. "No, that's not all we did. But I was never sober either, so if we were together that night, that's more than likely what happened. And I'm also just guessing, I don't know if that's really our number."

     I take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. It doesn't work. "I just can't believe you would have sex with him that often, I didn't realize it was that much. I was hoping it was only like twenty times or something like that."

     "And I wish it was no times Sutter, with anyone but you. But you left, and you have no right to judge me for the way I acted during that time. I did things that I regret, immensely, but there's nothing I can do to change it now. You can't hold it against me forever." Her voice is much softer than before, I can hear how much I've hurt her in the way she speaks now.

     "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It just fucking kills me Lil, I want to be the only one who knows what it feels like to be inside you, and to make you feel the way I do. You will always be the only one for me, and I wish so bad that it was that way for you, too."

     She takes a couple of small steps towards me. "Sut, you are the only guy I've ever had sex with and it actually mean something. You are the only one who makes me feel like my hearts going to explode with emotion with the feeling of love when you and I are like that. In all the ways that really matter, you are the only for me."

     I walk forward the rest of the way to where she is, grab her face in my hands and plant soft kisses on her lips. "Give me the night to think and be alone, and tomorrow I promise I will never bring it up again."

     She doesn't look happy with the plan, but nods her head anyway, and then we walk off to our separate rooms quietly.

     I was sneaking into her room less than five hours later.

     I snap back into reality when our teacher closes his textbook he was just reading out of, not realizing how dazed I really was.

     "You alright?" Nadine asks, sitting in the desk next to me.

     "Yeah, just zoned out for a while."

     "You and Lilly are sickening." She says, being able to guess my reason for being so distracted.

     I laugh quietly, but don't disagree with her.

     "What are we supposed to be doing?" I ask, realizing that some people are packing up their bags already and we still have ten minutes left in class before the bell rings.

      "He finished reading the chapter and said for us to read the rest tonight and then write a summary of it for homework." She tells me.

     I just nod my head at her.

     "So, are you coming tonight?" She asks me.

     "Of course, I wouldn't miss it."

     Tonight is Friday, and one of Lilly's big swim meets. The football game was cancelled for bad weather, but Lil's meet is still on because they have an inside pool where they practice.

      "I know, me either. I can't wait to see her face when she sees all of us there." Nadine laughs in anticipation, and I can't help but smile too.

     "She's going to be a nervous wreck." I can already picture what her face is going to look like when she sees the lot of standing there on the pool deck.

     "She does well under pressure though." Nadine says, and starts digging in her book bag for something.

     To say her and Lilly snapped back into their easy friendship very quickly, would be an understatement. Those girls picked back up like they never left off, and I could already tell how much better Lilly was because of it too. Losing Nadine was a lot harder on her than she ever let anyone else know.

    Finally, the bell rang dismissing us for the day, and Nadine and I walked together to meet our friends in the parking lot where we always talked at the end of the day.

      When we got there, Jesse, Bobby, Fuller and Jo were there like always, but Lilly wasn't.

     I walked up beside Jesse, who was standing a little close to my sister, and scanned the area that Lilly normally walked out of from class.

      "Where's Lil?" I ask, hoping someone knows where she is. I hope she didn't leave for her meet already, and didn't let me wish her good luck first.

     But then I finally spot her, and my feet start moving me across the pavement to meet her, but then the look on her face stops me.

     She looks scared, or worried. And there's someone walking behind her, who grabs on her book bag to stop her from moving. She pulls her bag out of their grasp, and turns around quickly to face them.

     When I see the guys face, it takes me a minute to realize who it is.

     My cousin, Cross.

     Why is she fighting with him?

      "I'm sure because he's pissed that he and Lilly can't hook up anymore." Bobby says, and I wonder if I asked my thought out loud.

     And did he just say hook up with Lilly?

     When I turn around, I see Nadine and Jesse looking at Bobby like they're going to murder him.

     "Hook up with Lilly?" I ask, that response still on repeat in my head.

     "I swear to god, I outta kill you right here." Nadine says, and smacks the back of Bobby's head.

     Jesse shifts nervously on his feet, and I can tell he doesn't want to answer me. "Man, they just were a thing a little while after you left. It was nothing for you to worry about." I can tell he's trying to downplay the situation because he won't look me in the eye.

     "Someone better start talking, now." I say, and Jo must agree, because she moves away from them to come and stand beside me.

     "Sutter, don't make a big deal out of this. They hooked up and hung out a couple of times after you left, but it was never anything for you to worry about. They both decided it wasn't right to do that to you though, and they stopped and haven't really spoke since. They have fourth period together though, so I'm guessing he's been trying to talk to Lilly again." Nadine says, again trying to downplay whatever went on between Lilly and my cousin.

     My first cousin too, I might add. Our dads are brothers, and haven't gotten along in years. Anytime we go over to my grandmas house for any holiday, we always go on different days so we don't have to see my uncles family. No one knows why they don't like each other, just that one day my father came home and removed every picture of my uncle from our house, and told us to never speak his name in front of him.

     I decide to stop standing there asking them for questions, and to find out from the two people involved myself.

     Lilly just sense when I'm close, because she looks up and fear slithers into her eyes at my arrival. Then her eyes widen, because she knows that I know something was going on between them.

      "Cross." I say, and step right up into his personal space, grabbing Lilly's sleeve and moving her behind me at the same time.

     "Sutter." He says, but his eyes are locked on my fingers that are on Lilly's shirt.

      "Want to tell me what the hell is going on here?" I ask, getting straight to the point.

     "Sutter-" Lilly tries to intervene, but I put my hand up to stop her, not wanting to hear what she has to say.

     "I was just asking Lilly if it was true that she was living with your family, and back with you." Cross says, never taking his eyes off me.

     "I don't see how that's any of your concern."

     "Her well-being is my concern."

     "Since when?"

     "Since you fucking left and someone had to take care of her." His voice holds a lot of anger, and it kinda takes me by surprise.

     "So what, that person had to be you?" I ask him, still not understanding how he ever got put in the picture with my Lilly.

    I can feel the tension and worry rolling off of Lilly in waves behind me.

      "It had to be someone, cause it sure as hell wasn't you when your pussy ass left her behind to deal with all of this shit by herself."

     I step even closer to him, and Lilly wraps her hand around my forearm to stop me from moving any further. "You can mind your own fucking business Cross, and my girl is no fucking business of yours."

     "You think just because every one else has forgiven you now that you're back, that I will too? I'm never going to forget what you did, and I was just trying to give Lilly a little reminder of that. You've done enough to destroy her, why do you want to keep hurting her?"

     The sound of his voice is taunting, and I know he's trying to get a rise out of me, and it working. I'm already furious, but him sitting there acting like he knows everything is going to set me off even worse.

     "Don't speak on things you know nothing about, you asshole. I don't need your forgiveness, and Lilly sure as hell doesn't need you either. Back the fuck off, or I'll happily make you."

     He smirks at me. "Looking forward to it." He says, and then leans around me to look at Lilly. "Good luck at your meet tonight, I'm happy you're swimming again."

    I step in front of his line of vision, blocking his view of Lilly. "Stop looking at her." I snap at him, and all he does is throw his head back and laugh, before finally walking off.

     I stand there, breathing so hard it feels like I'm hyperventilating. I'm not sure I've ever been this mad.

     "Sutter." Lilly says timidly from behind me, and wraps her hand around my arm again.

     I yank it out of her grasp. I whirl around to face her, and she takes a step back from whatever look I have on my face. "My fucking cousin, Lilly?"

     She at least has the decency to look embarrassed, and drops her eyes to the pavement. "I don't know what you want me to say."

      "I want you to tell me why you had sex with every guy that you could possibly hurt me with. What, my bestfriend wasn't enough, so you fucked my cousin too?" I know I'm being harsh, and I know I'm speaking to her in a way I never have before, but I don't recall ever being this mad either.

      She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "It wasn't like that, I swear Sutter. If you would just let me-"

      "Explain? There's no fucking way to explain this, there is nothing that would justify you doing this."

     "You left me!" She yells, no longer being able to remain calm. "I wasn't worried about you ever finding out or caring, because you were gone! How was I supposed to know you would come back for me, Sutter?"

     I have no response, and instead just shake my head, unable to form any words or thoughts. I have no idea how to even handle a situation like this, never before been here, or thinking I would be someday.

     "Have a good swim meet." I tell her, and then walk around her in the direction of where my trucks parked.

     "You're not staying for my meet?" She asks from behind me, but I don't stop.

      I walk past my friends and my sister, hop in my truck, and then tear out of that parking lot as fast as I can.

     Wish there was someway to backtrack in the day before I felt this crushing feeling settling over my heart. How many secrets was I going to have to unravel, before I knew everything that happened while I was gone?

A/N   Dun dun dunnnnnnn. Lilly done messed up y'all!! What do you think is going to happen?

    Vote and comment please! Can't believe I'm almost to 4K! Thank y'all so much!!

     Also you should check out my girl KrisssyNicole story about the world ending and a girl being stuck with a really hot guy and a girl who you'll want to kill (: its amazing!!