Chapter 29

Sutter's POV

I'm sitting in my last class of the day, finally, next to someone I haven't seen in a long time, and someone I was honestly a little scared of if I was being truthful.

Nadine Santiago had this way about her that she could either make you feel extremely loved and nurtured, or she could rip you apart in seconds and leave you laying on the floor in a pile of ash at her feet. Not that she ever did that often, because she had a heart of girl. But just like Lilly, when she wanted to make a point, she made it loud.

Which is probably why those two have been thick and thieves since pre-K.

That Latino fire that people talk about? She fucking invented it. So needless to say, I knew I was in for some hellacious cussing whenever she finally got the time. I knew the happy reunion in the hallway wouldn't last.

     Our last class of the day together was Economics, but with it being the first day, all we did was introductions to the class, and went over our syllabus for the year. After that the teacher told us to enjoy the last thirty minutes of class and of the day before dismissal.

     As soon as our teachers ass was planted in her desk chair, Nadine was spinning around in her seat to face me, and she had this unreadable look on her face, but her eyes looked deadly.

     "Alright," I started, sighing and knowing there was no way out of this. "let me have it."

     "What the fuck were you thinking?" Her voice is quiet, so people around us can't hear. But I can still hear the fierceness in there.

     "I wasn't. I was a terrified fucking kid, and when my parents offered me an out, I took it." I admit, knowing how shitty it sounds, because it was shitty.

     "And you didn't think Lilly wanted an out too?"

     "I'm sure she did. But..I don't know, Nadine. It was unimaginable what we went through, and I've always known Lil was stronger than me. I just thought I was going to bring her down further, I never thought I would get better again. Those first few days..you just feel like everything is going to get worse from here on out. I didn't know how to cope with that." Even with this explanation, I know it's no excuse for what I did.

Her gaze softens slightly at my words. "I know what you two went through was something that can't be understood by people who haven't experienced it. But I just never would have guessed you would leave her like that."

How do I explain that I didn't want to leave her specifically? "It's not that I left her Nadine, I just had to get away from this town and even my house. You don't know what it was like going out and all the pity filled looks that people sent our ways. At first it was disappointment or judgmental, because we had a baby so young, and I think that was even more bearable than the pity. And all the whispers."

"I get that, I do. But have you ever stopped to think about the looks Lilly got even more, after you left? She lost her baby, and then three weeks later her boyfriend and best friend, and his family, leave her in the dust, without another glance back at her." Her accent gets thicker with her emotion, and I can tell she's getting pissed at me.

I put my head down, because I know she's right. And I'm not sure what I could say to make her see it how I saw it, to make her see that I never stopped loving Lilly, and I never wanted to leave her, but I had to go. I wouldn't have made it another week.

She must take my silence and the pensive look on my face as another chance to speak up to me again. "I know it was hard on you, but it was hard on her too. And then even harder without you there to support her. It was like she died too Sutter. On the rare occasions she would open up to me about how she was feeling, she told me she felt like her whole family was dead. I wasn't enough to pull her out of that, because she doesn't love me the way she loves you. You didn't see what she was like after you."

"So tell me." I know Jesse told me a little, but he didn't see Lilly close up the way Nadine I'm sure. And even though it's going to hurt like hell to hear this, I know I deserve every ounce of the pain it's going to cause.

      It's just more proof that us being apart will never be better for either of us.

      "It wasn't as bad at first, you know? Because I think she was counting on you coming back, she didn't think you'd really stay gone that long. But after about three months, she just stopped caring, about everything. Her grades went to shit, she never tried to swim again, and she was never sober. She would come to school drunk, or high, and she'd drive like that or ride with Denny if he was messed up too. There was no light or happiness around her."

      The pain in my chest is nearly enough to knock me out of my seat, I knew all of this, but hearing it from her is terrible, because I can hear the devastation in her voice at watching someone she loved turn into that. And it was my fault.

     "When I first came back I saw a little bit of that, found her drunk and in the pond near the graveyard two times." The memory of floating unconscious on top of the water is one that will probably never leave my mind.

     Nadine rolls her eyes at this. "She still does that? Even after she and I quit speaking, I would go out there and check on her. Most of the time she was asleep beside...Annie's headstone, but a couple of times she was swimming. When I went to leave for the summer, I was a nervous wreck about leaving her and not being able to check on her. Denny told me he would keep an eye on her."

      "Yeah well, Denny is full of shit." I try to keep my anger at bay, especially after what just happened at lunch, but it's hard.

     She sighs, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. "I'm well aware."

    At first I hesitate, but then I go ahead and tell her about his dad, what his mom said to me when I showed up to his house, what he did to Lilly at Fuller's party, and lastly, what just happened in the hallways before lunch.

      "Wow, I didn't know that about his dad.." Her voice trails off at the end and I can tell she's upset by the news, all of us knowing what his dad was like and what he meant to Denny.

     "I know. I get it, it fucking sucks. And I'd do anything to help him, but I'm not going to let him keep continuing to hurt Lilly, and I'm not sure I'll ever see past the fact that he hooked up with her. I know I fucked up by leaving, but if Lilly ever left me, I don't think you'd come on to me, would you?"

     She wrinkles up her nose in distaste. "You're hot as hell, Sut, don't get me wrong. But you're my brother, and Lilly is a sister to me. It wouldn't even cross my mind."

     "Exactly. And same for me. So all that tells me is Denny's probably had feelings for Lilly long before anything happened between she and I."

      "Well nothing you can do about it now, and no reason to fret over it. She still looks at you like you hung the moon."

     I can hear some disapproval in her voice, obviously not to fond of the fact that Lilly has chosen to forgive me so easily. "I'm going to earn her love back, I'm going to deserve Nadine. You know how much I love her, how much I always have. That never changed, I just..I don't know. There aren't words to explain what happened. I got lost, and knew I needed to find myself. That wasn't going to happen here."

     "Hey," She says softly, and leans over to put a reassuring hand on my arm. "I know you love her, and I'm sorry for what happened to both of you. I'm just scared you're going to hurt her again, and I don't want to lose my best friend again. This last year for me has been awful, I was worried about her constantly, but I couldn't enable her behavior anymore."

      "You have every right to be worried, and I'll prove to you too that I'm not making the same mistake twice. I'm not an idiot, I know how lucky I am that she chose to forgive me."

     She nods her head and gives me a soft smile. "So her parents are cool with y'all getting back together, then?"

     I wince, forgetting that no one knows about that situation but my family and Lilly. I feel the usual sickness churn in my stomach at the thought of her parents, and I have to swallow down the bile that gathers in my mouth and the reminder that none of us knew what was going on, and never did anything to help her.

     "What, Sutter? You've gone white as a ghost." Nadine says.

     I shake my head and try to get ahold of myself. "You'll have to ask her about that whole situation, but she's living with my family again."

     Her face takes on a reproachful look, not expecting that. "She is?"

     I nod back.

    She looks away from me for a minute before turning back. "Something was happening to her, right?"

     I try to keep my face blank, but I can't help the surprise I feel. Did she know? She knew and didn't tell anyone? Did Lilly tell her?

     She nods, but it's more to herself than to me. "I assumed, but never really saw anything and she was good at covering it up. But I had a feeling they were hurting her, more than just the yelling I would sometimes see."

     "How did you know?" I choke out, trying to control my anger that she wouldn't tell me or anyone else. She could have got her out of there.

     "Lil peed the bed until we were thirteen, Sutter. But only at her house. And there were a couple of times that her dad would come barging in her room ,but then when he would see me sitting there, and he'd just tell us to keep it down or tell Lilly she needed to do chores. But one night when she was drunk, after you left, she said something to me."

     "What?" I ask and feel myself sitting on the edge of my seat.

     "She was really drunk and I was mad at her because she was stumbling all over the place and could barely hold her head up. I told her it wasn't cute to be a sloppy drunk. And she said 'well at least I'm not like my dad when he's drunk, or I'd just go around hitting everyone.' I asked her what she meant the next day when she was sober, but she told me she didn't know what I was talking about."

    Jesus. "She wanted someone to know, subconsciously. She wanted someone to help her."

     "I didn't know what to believe. She had started doing drugs, drinking more, and she didn't really have any physical proof of it either. It was just a gut feeling, but I thought I was crazy." I can hear guilt lacing her words, and normally I would try to reassure her that she didn't need to feel that way, but I couldn't.

     I was angry that she had a feeling about it, and never spoke on it.

     "Well it was more than a feeling. Jo and I found her at her house over a week ago and he'd beat the shit out of with a belt and thrown her head through a wall. That was the day I told her to pack her things and come to my house." Might as well let her know the extent of it.

     Nadine covers her hand with her mouth, and I see her gag. A couple of people look our way, but then quickly avert their stares when I look back.

      "I should have said something." Nadine whispers and I see tears rolling down her face.

     "Yeah, you should have." I say, still trying to understand why she wouldn't. What if Lilly would have died? "But, there were signs and things I missed too. And no one wants to believe that their best friends dad beats them, especially a Dad that we've all known our whole lives. I knew he was an ass, I just didn't realize how much."

     Nadine doesn't answer me though, and instead keeps her head down and occasionally shakes it, obviously having some internal turmoil. The bell rings five minutes later, and I'm up out of my seat before it shuts off.

     I'm walking briskly in the hallways, looking for her blonde curly hair. She looked amazing today, like always. Her and Jo picked out their outfits together this morning, and she chose to wear a pair of dark skinny jeans, with a white shirt, and her new brown booties that her and Jo probably stared at for a solid thirty minutes.

      Is it sad that I memorized her outfit? Probably. But I couldn't help that I stared at her so much, that she was basically all I pictured in my head all day. Especially her lips. They were glossed over today and looked pinker than normal.

     And suddenly I had the urge to kiss the hell out of her, so when I finally spotted her, I started making my way towards her, sliding past other students as quickly as I could.

     But I stopped when I realized she was talking to someone, and it took me a minute to recognize who it was. Then it hit me; her old swim coach.

     Lilly was looking at her, and I noticed she tucked some hair behind her ear, her sign for being nervous. She was listening intently to whatever her old coach was saying. Then she smiled, and I could tell she mouthed 'Thank you'.

      As soon as the lady walked away, I started back on my mission. She noticed me when I was three strides away, and opened her mouth to speak but I cut it off with my lips. I grabbed her face and then pushed her body back into the lockers behind her, barely hearing some whistling going on behind us.

     I pulled back after a minute, not wanting to get called out by a teacher for PDA on the first day.

     "What was that for?" She asked, breathlessly.

     "I've been thinking about your lips a lot today. And also, because I just want you to know how much I love you, and that I'm never leaving you again."

     She seems to be studying my face, and then a smile creeps on to her swollen lips. "Nadine chapped your ass, huh?"

     I rolled my eyes, playfully. "Maybe. But I didn't need her to know that already."

     She giggles and I lean in to give her another soft peck, before grabbing her hand and walking us to the parking lot.

     "So what did your old coach say?" I ask, remembering she was speaking with her.

     Her face lights up with excitement. "I told her I wanted to be on the team again this year, and she said she'd be willing to let me come and try out again."

     I could tell how excited she was at the possibility of swimming again. "That's awesome babe, when you trying out?"

     "Today, if possible."

     "Well I have football practice, and Jo has volleyball. But you can take my truck home and get your stuff and then come back." I offer, realizing we all carpooled together this morning without realizing Lilly would be held back at the school until Jo and I were done with practice.

     "Perfect!" She says, and reaches into my pocket to grab my keys.

    I get my gym bag out of the bed of my truck, and then walk around to give her another kiss before she leaves.

     "I'll see you in a little bit." I tell her.

     "Hey, Sut.." She says, kinda nervously.

      "Yeah?"

     "I really, really, feel it too." She says, and then goes to gets in the driver side of my truck and takes off.

     I walk onto the field with the biggest smile on my face, loving the fact that she still feels our love too.

   A/N   So sorry it's been another while for an update, but the state I live in in the USA is under a state emergency for a category 4 hurricane were about to get hit with so life has been crazy lately!!

     But I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and let me know what you think! Also, the girl pictured above is who I see as Nadine!

    And as always, thank you for the comments and votes!! (: