Chapter 14

Sutter's POV

"Pack your shit, you're leaving." I tell Lilly, and then walk over to her closet and start pulling her clothes off the hangers and tossing them in the floor for her to put in a bag.

She's still sitting on the bed with Jo, but I'm not wasting any time. When she realizes what I'm doing, she stands up off her bed quickly, but then winces and sits back down, clutching herself.

Her shirt must rise up with her movement, because Jo's eyes are focused on her back. I see her mouth drop open and she pulls Lilly's shirt up the rest of the way on her back. Her face pales and her lips start quivering.

Lilly pulls away from Jo's reach and goes to move her shirt back down, but I'm striding over from the closet in just a few steps and I grab her shirt out of her hand and look at her back for myself.

She has deep blue and black bruises that are in lines all across her whole back. She has some spots of red where the skin was torn and is finally starting to heal.

I can't even form words, or thoughts,  because I'm so mad. And I'm so broken for Lilly, and what she must have gone through. Has been going through for the last seven days without anyone to look after her.

"I'm sorry, I can't..I have to go." Jo says, putting her hand over her mouth as she's crying. She walks out of Lilly's room and it's so quiet in the house, I hear the garage door shut behind her.

I finally find my voice. "How long has this been going on?"

     She looks up at me, worried. "I told you, since I was a little bit younger."

     "That's not what I mean." I say back, in a voice I don't even recognize. I didn't realize it was possible for me to get this angry. "I would have noticed marks and bruises like this, Lilly. I'm asking how long has he been beating you this badly?"

     She looks outside her window, like she wants to escape. "About two and half years."

     I fall to my knees. About two and half years. Exactly the amount of time that I've been gone, and right when I left and told her she had to move back into this house.

     That I couldn't take her with me, where she would have been safe.

     I lean forward to the ground and put my head in my hands. My eyes swim with liquid, because I'm so mad and so miserable at the same time. How. How could I let this happen to her? How could I not have figured this out?

     "How could you not tell me this?" I ask her, and do nothing to try and mask the pain in my voice.

     I hear the bed shift and she sits on the floor beside me. "Please look at me." She says softly.

    I look up at her, and I don't know what she sees in my eyes, but it makes her break down too. She pulls on my arms, wanting me to come to her, so I do.

     I wrap her up as gently as I can, and try to convey with my body that I will protect her from now on, and I will never let this happen to her again.

    I'll kill him if that's what she wants me to do.

    "Answer my question, please." I talk into her hair, not willing to move us from our embrace. This is the first time she's initiated any touching between us, and it simmers the rage inside me.

     "I was embarrassed, Sutter. Your parents are supposed to love you, not despise you so much they get a kick out of hitting you."

    "I can't believe this has been happening since we were kids. I'm some kind of fucking idiot to have never figured it out, or known, or to ask you more about the bruises."

     And God, she had the bruises. She always had them on her arms, legs, and back. Sometimes I wouldn't even notice them for days until they were almost gone, having turned yellow or green. She always told me they were from playing sports, and I believed it. You fall down in basketball, and you can get hit by a fly ball in softball. All logical reasons for her to be bruised up often.

I never could have fathomed that all this time, it was really from her father.

"I think I'm going to be sick." I say, and stand up after moving her out of my hold.

"It's not a big deal-" she starts to say, but I cut her off.

"Not a big deal? Are you fucking kidding me, Lilly? Your dad beats you so bad you can barely move, and you're trying to down play this? This is not okay!" I'm yelling, and all my anger has suddenly resurfaced again.

"I know, but-"

"You should have fucking told me! I would have got you out of here a long time ago, I would have got him locked up, or given him a taste of his medicine. I would have done anything to help you! I can't believe you would keep this from me, I can't believe you have gone through this by yourself for the last six years." I start pacing the room, the nausea still lying in my stomach.

Lilly opens her mouth to y'all, but I'm not done. "That's why you started acting weird and shit when we were younger. You stopped smiling so much, you didn't laugh at everything anymore. You started to shut down. But then we started dating and you seemed like you were happy again."

She waits a couple of seconds before she starts talking, making sure I'm really done this time.

"It wasn't this bad when I was younger, I promise. He would normally just grab me really hard or only hit me once or twice. Most of it back then was verbal abuse. Telling me everyday that I was stupid, that I would never amount to anything, that I was a piece of shit." She closes her eyes and looks like she's fighting back tears. "And then when I told them I was pregnant, he told me I was a disgrace to my family and a whore. The night after we told them, and you and your family left, he tossed me around my room and screamed at me, but he never hit me really. He got drunk one night though and threatened to throw me down the stairs, to solve our 'dilemma'. That's why the next day I told you they were kicking me out. I knew I couldn't stay there anymore and I wasn't going to let anyone hurt our baby."

     She finally releases some tears after talking about Annie, and I know we're thinking the same thing; she left to keep our baby safe but we ended up losing her anyway.

     She has taken hit after hit after hit. First living with an abusive father and parents who don't care about her. Losing our baby. Losing me. Then moving back in with that asshole and getting beat again.

     When I think about all the pain she's had to go through, I don't even understand how she's still walking around with her head up. I always knew she was the strongest soul there ever was, but this even takes that to a new level. Her thoughts of wanting to kill herself make sense now.

     When someone tells you almost everyday that you're a piece of shit and unworthy, you eventually start to believe it. All I want to do is unravel all the damage he has tangled up inside her, and show her that she's the most beautiful person, inside and out.

     "What do you want me to do?" I finally ask her.

     "What do you mean?" She questions.

     "I mean what do you want me to do about all of this? What do I have to do to make this better? I'll do anything. I'll kill him if that's what you want. I'll have him arrested, and we'll take his ass to court and take everything he has. We'll make sure every fucking body in this town knows what an asshole Paul Matthews is. And well prove him wrong about all the shit he said about you. You are not stupid. You are not a piece of shit, and you are not a disgrace. And most definitely not a whore. You are everything good in this world Lilly, everything."

     Something inside me cracks, and I break down in sobs that I've never experienced before. Like gut wrenching, shaking my whole body, sobs. I'm a guy, and by nature we just don't really cry over shit.

     But talking about the love of my life, and the life we created together, is definitely something that will do that to me. They're my soft spot, and my reason for being.

     I feel soft hands and arms wrap around my upper body. "It's okay, Sutter. It's going to be okay. I'll leave here with you and we can figure something out. Just please stop crying, I've never seen you like this before."

     I lift my head up and look at her, hoping she can see the truth in my words that I'm about to tell her. "I never would have left here if I knew this was happening to you. I already regretted leaving everyday after I left, but this is just too much. I can't believe I put you back in this place. I never would have done that Lilly, I only left to try and better myself for you. To try and become the man I used to be, or wanted to be. I was so lost in grief and guilt, afraid I would never surface from that. And I'm just so sorry, so sorry."

     She takes a deep breath, her body almost shuddering with all the emotions she was holding back. "I believe you left to try and help us, I just wish you would have told me that. I wish you hadn't left the way you did. But you can't blame yourself for the man my father is. He would be that way regardless of any decision you made. If we had never got pregnant, I still would have been in that house and treated the same way. Nothing you did changed any of that from already existing."

     "But you were living with my family Lilly, you had a safe place to sleep every night. You weren't being hit or yelled at. You were finally surrounded by people who loved you, even my dad who didn't know how to fucking show it then. I took that away from you." I don't think the burden of this is ever going to go away.

     "Having a family like that wasn't in the cards for me, I've accepted that. I'm okay with it. I don't need my parents to make something out of myself. I'm stronger than they are, and I'm better."

    I'm in complete awe of this girl. She takes my breath away and she doesn't even try.  

     "Your mom," I question her. "She knows he does this to you, and doesn't do anything about it?"

     "She doesn't like it, I can tell that at least. But not enough for her to make him stop. She'll remind him if he does it too much that it'll be suspicious, and in her own way that's her protecting me. That's her lessening the beatings." She looks down sadly, obviously more hurt over this then she wants me to see. I just can't imagine any mother willingly let their husband beat their child.

     She's just as bad as he is. Maybe even worse. She has the power to help, to make it better, and she's choosing not too.

     "What started it all?" I want to know everything, even though I'm sure it's only going to make it harder for me to not go to his work place and kill him with my bare hands.

     To torture him slowly the way he's been doing to Lilly over the years.

    But I want to know her pain, whatever it is that causes it. I want to know the truth about this, so maybe I can take some of this burden away from her. Maybe I can help to carry this around, so it's not always weighing her down.

     "First time was because I stepped on his shoes, and for a little while after that it was just over stupid shit like that. I left a dish in the sink, I left my shoes by the door, I didn't make my bed before school, I left some dirty clothes laying in the bathroom floor." She takes a deep breath to steady herself, or work up the nerve to keep talking. "Then it started over grades, and the fact that I was spending too much time with you and worrying about sports. I wasn't trying hard enough to get good grades. Even though I was making straight A's. After I moved back in with them, he would see me coming home drunk or high, and beat me for that. I was a slut, so he would treat me like one. That's when the beatings started to get worse. He would use the metal end of his belt buckle, or whatever he had in his hand. One time it was a beer bottle, and I had to get stitches. Mom drove me to the hospital and told them I had tripped while taking the trash out and cut myself on a can lid."

     I shake my head in disbelief that some of this was going on under my nose and I didn't even know it. It makes sense though, why weren't allowed to play at her house anymore, and why she didn't want to. She always made up excuses to come over too, never wanted to be home.

    "I'm so fucking sorry, Lil. I don't even know what else to say because I'm still in shock. But I'm just sorry, but I want you to know this is never going to happen again. He will never touch you again, or even breathe the same air as you." I mean it too. I'll do whatever needs to be done to see this sick fuck locked away for good. Or at least away from her, where he can never get near her again.

     When he can never make her feel like she's nothing again. I vow right then and there to tell her everyday how amazing she is, how smart, how beautiful. And that if I could lay the world at her feet, I would.

    "I love you." I tell her for the first time since being back. I know she won't say it back, but she needs to now this. "I love you so much it hurts me sometimes. I never knew it was possible to love another person like this, other than Annie. You are honestly the first and last thing on my mind everyday, and you're the best person I know. And the only people who should be ashamed of themselves, is your parents. Don't ever blame yourself. Please."

     She doesn't say it back, but she leans her forehead against mine, and places her hand on my chest.  

     "Do you feel that?" I ask, and she nods. "It only beats for you. It only belongs to you, and it will only ever love you. Because you and my heart are one in the same. From now on, whatever you have to face, we face together. You will never feel alone again."

     She finally starts crying, no longer able to hold it in. "It's been so long since anyone has said those words to me."

     I cup her face in my hands. "I'll tell you everyday. I'll tell it to you so much you get absolutely sick of hearing me talk. You'll be begging me to shut up. But just know I mean every word. I messed up, and for that I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. But I've never loved anyone else, and I never will. You're it."

     She throws her arms around my neck, and we just hold each other. She doesn't say anything back, but she doesn't have to. I know she still loves me, but she's just not ready to say it yet, and that's okay.

     I'll say it enough for the both of us.

     "C'mon baby, lets pack your bag, and let's get you home." I tell her, and we start loading up all her stuff into bags.

     When we get back to my house, she walks into my room and turns around, taking it in.

     "It looks the same." She whispers, and I can tell she's reliving a bunch of memories she and I made together in here. I do it too, anytime I look at something here, because she's a piece of everything that has to do with me. I don't remember what life was like before her.

     All I know is that there's nothing after her.

     "I'm going to go talk to Jo." She announces, before giving me a small smile and leaving my room.

••••

     Lilly talked to Jo and got her calmed down. She was apparently feeling guilty for leaving her behind as well, and couldn't understand how she could go through that for all of these years in silence. I'm not sure what all was said between them, but when they exited the room two hours later, both of them had red stained cheeks and eyes.

     My parents coming home and seeing Lilly was definitely a shock to them. My mom dropped to the floor and cried when she saw her face and her back. She held Lilly and kissed all over her, telling her that she was her daughter, and she would always love her.

     Lilly stayed wrapped in my moms arms for most of the night, and I could tell they were both happy to be back with each other again. My mom adored Lilly, and I knew I really hurt her by making her feel like she had to pick me over helping her too.

     Eventually my dad pulled Lilly into his office and they talked for what felt like forever. My mom started crying again, thinking about everything. And she never cussed, but I think she called Paul and Malory every name in the book, wishing they burnt in hell and forever had to feel the pain they put Lilly through.

     My dad and Lilly finally emerged from his office. "Let's go." He said to me, walking past me.

     "Where are we going?" I didn't want to leave Lilly. I barely had any time with her since she came here, and I wanted to make sure she was okay. Today was a huge step for her, and I knew she had to be emotionally drained and exhausted.

     "We're going to Lilly's house. We have some business to take care of." And with that last remark, he walked out of the front door, waiting for me to follow behind him.