Chapter 13

Lilly's POV

Fifteen and fourteen are very young ages to be having sex, in my opinion anyway. But that was the age that Sutter and I decided to lose our virginities to each other.

Sutter was playing in a JV game the night of his birthday, in September. He was doing amazing all night long, and threw some unbelievable passes to his teammates to help win a game that we were predicted to lose. He was on a high all night long, and everyone was rushing around and telling him how great he did.

I walked out of the stands and went to go meet him when he came out of the locker room, just like I did at the end of every game. He must not have seen me though because when I walked over to where he was, he was surrounded my at least three cheerleaders telling him what a good game he had.

He was smiling and laughing at what they were saying, and when one of them put their hand on his arm, he didn't push it away. I'd had a swim meet that same night, but rushed over to the stadium as soon as it was over.

I had set a new state record for the 100 M butterfly. I was excited to tell him my news, and to give him a victory kiss for his game.

But he wasn't even looking for me, he was too busy soaking up all the other attention the other girls were giving him.

One of them was Ashley Moore, and she had been after Sutter since he asked me to be his girlfriend. She would always invite him to her parties and things when we were younger, but never me. She used to tell people Sutter was only with me because he felt sorry for me.

He knew how much I despised her, and yet her was standing there smiling at her like she was the creator of football. I felt tears well in my eyes, because I knew I would never be the cheerleader girly type.

I loved all sports, but that just wasn't one I was interested in. I swam in the fall, basketball in spring, and softball in summer. I was pretty built for a girl, seeing as how I was always pushing my body to its limit.

And it was then that I started to doubt myself and wonder if maybe I wasn't Sutter's type anymore. Was he only with me because we were comfortable?

I knew he was thinking about sex, because I caught him watching porn one time when I went over to his house. I asked him why he was watching it and he told me he was just curious, but it was obviously more than that.

Was Sutter going to leave me because I wasn't girly enough, and because I wasn't having sex with him yet? We had done other things. We went to third base in the tree house the other weekend, and when warm sticky stuff shot out on my hand, I was surprised.

He told me that was a good thing and that I did really well. Then he tried it on me and his nails were just too sharp and he wasn't positive about what he was doing. I told him it felt good but it just may take some time for me to get there since it's different for girls.

     I'm considering walking away because my insecurities are getting the best of me, when I notice Denny walking over to me. He follows my line of vision and shakes his head at Sutter.

     Who still hasn't noticed me standing here or looked for me at all. And Ashley hasn't moved her freaking hand either.

     "I love the guy, but he's pretty blind if he doesn't see what he has in front of him." Denny says, like he's trying to reassure me.

     But all he does is make it worse, because he's Sutter's best friend, and has Sutter told him things about wanting to other girls? Why would he say that?

     "I'm heading home. If he asks about me, can you tell him I was tired and not feeling good?"

    "Sure thing Lil." Denny says, and kisses me on my temple before walking away. He's never done that before, but I'm assuming he did it because he realizes how upset I am over Sutter flirting with this those other girls.

•••

   I catch a ride home with one of the girls off my swim team, and go upstairs to shower and change. My parents were sitting in the living room when I walked in, and didn't even ask me about my swim meet or anything else for that matter.

    I have no one to share my news with about how well I did tonight, and that alone makes the accomplishment not seem so great anymore.

    After my shower I lay in bed and hate the sinking feeling in my gut about Sutter.

     He's usually the one person I can always depend on to care about me, but it seems like he's forgetting about me too.

     What do I have to do to make someone remember me?

I'm awoken a little later by the sound of my window sliding open. I don't jump or scream, because I know it's him. I glance at the clock and see it's not even midnight yet, and his game didn't end until ten thirty. I've only been asleep for a couple minutes, my cheeks still damp from the tears I lost.

"Lil!" He whispers, closing my window behind him.

I don't say anything, I just continue to lay on my bed and face away from him. If I smell perfume on him, or hairspray, I may get sick.

"Lil, what's wrong? I looked for you after the game but couldn't find you."

Why is he lying? I roll over and finally face him. "Oh, were you looking for me in Ashley's eyes or something? Because that's the only person you seemed to have attention for after you walked out of the locker room."

I roll back over dramatically and face away from him again.

"Is that what this is about? You're mad because I spent a couple of minutes talking to some girls who came up and congratulated me?" His tone almost sounds like he's laughing about it and that pisses me off even more.

"Yeah Sutter, because it's so funny that Ashley has tried to do everything under the sun to get you to leave me and be with her. That's just such a joke and not a big deal at all. Next time I see that guy from the party, I'll remember just how funny you think it is." I use the guy from the party as a comparison, because that's the only time I've seen Sutter get jealous or territorial.

"Babe, you're like legit upset about this?" He asks, pulling on my shoulder to make me face him.

"Of course I am!" I yell as loudly as I can without letting my parents hear us. "What am I supposed to feel when I walk out of the stands to meet you, and see you talking to those girls and not even looking for me or noticing me standing there?"

"Baby, I'm sorry if that hurt your feelings. You know I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. They just bombarded me when I walked out and were just asking questions and shit. I honestly didn't think anything bad of it, and none of them were flirting with me or I would have walked away."

He's so dense sometimes. "Ashley laying her hand on your arm was her flirting with you. And you were just eating it up."

"Okay, well I didn't realize that or I would have done something about it."

"So if a guy puts his hand on my knee, it's totally normal for me to not think anything of it?"

He looks like he's about to say yes, but then thinks better of it. "That's different. Guys make it obvious when they're flirting with a girl."

"Girls do too. You just didn't care enough to think about what they were actually doing, you were so focused on all the attention you were getting that you didn't even care."

"The only part you got right out of that statement, was that I don't care. I don't care about other girls and what they think about me. The only person's opinion that means something to me, is you. I'm sorry that I talked to them and didn't see you, it won't happen again." He lays down next to me and gets under my covers, pulling me against his chest.

"I really did get annoyed with those girls and finally told them that I had to go find my girl. When I didn't see you I started to get worried that something happened at your meet. How did it go by the way?" He asks, and it makes me tingle with glee that he remembered.

No one else ever remembers.

"I set a new state record for butterfly." I say timidly.

"Are you serious, babe?" He asks, sitting up to lean over me. "That's amazing, I'm so proud of you Lil. I can't wait to finally be able to watch you at your state meet. You're going to kill it!" His enthusiasm is infectious, and I can't help but to smile a little bit with him.

He doesn't know that he's the only person who ever tells me that they're proud of me.

"That's mainly why I got upset." I admit to him. "I was so excited to tell you about my news and to wish you a happy birthday, then you didn't even seem to care if I was there or not."

He reaches down and gently cups my face. I love it when he does this. "You moronic, dramatic, crazy, beautiful girl. I always care about you and where you are. And whether you know it or not, you're always on my mind. I'm the same way about telling you big news, and I'm sorry I wasn't there. I promise to always be there for you to tell all the things you accomplished. And it's going to be a list Lil, you're an amazing athlete and student. You could go anywhere in this world and be whatever you wanted."

My eyes fill with happy tears. I work my ass off and no one ever tells me how good I am, or all the places my talents could take me. I don't care what anyone says, it feels amazing to be noticed.

"Can I ask you something?" I look down because I can't believe I'm about to ask this out loud, but I have to know the answer.

"You can ask me anything." He answers easily, and leans down to kiss me quickly on the lips. "Kiss number 985 in the books." He tells me and then gives me his full attention.

I roll my eyes playfully. "When are you going to finally stop counting how many times we kiss?"

"When I'm no longer able to count." He shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal. And I'll never admit it to him, but I love that he does that, so much.

"Anyway, what I wanted to ask you..well. Do you..not find me attractive?" My cheeks are burning and my whole body feels like a warm flush just went over it. I'm humiliated to even ask that, but I need to know the truth.

Sutter looks at me almost dumbfounded. "Are you serious?"

I just nod, a little nervous because his voice sounds like he's upset.

"Do I find you attractive? Lilly that has got to be the most stupid question you have ever asked me." Okay, he is for real mad. "Do I not tell you enough how beautiful you look to me everyday? Do I not make it obvious that you're the most perfect person in the world to me, by never being able to be near you and not touch you?"

"No, you do plenty of that. I just saw you talking to those girls, and I will just never be that girly like them. I'll always have this athletic build to me, and I'm not really a stickler for getting my hair and nails done." I realize how silly it sounds when I say it all out loud. But I can't deny that I feel better already after asking him.

"I could quite possibly draw a portrait of your face without even having to see you because your face is burned into my mind. I've stared at you so much over the years, that there is no way I could ever forget a single detail of your features. You don't need to do your hair, nails, or make up to ever look beautiful to me. You look just as good to me when you wake up in the mornings with no make up, as you will on our wedding day. How you could ever question if I'm attracted to you or not is ludicrous."

I laugh softly through my bursting happiness. "Well that's really good to hear, because you are the most beautiful thing to me too. I remember seeing you when I was five years old and thinking even then how cute you were. Over the years you've only grown more handsome, and I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have you as mine."

"The pleasure is all mine, ma'am." He says sweetly, and kisses me again. Then announces that's kiss 986.

"So you find me sexually attractive, too?" Might as well ask it, I'm already on a roll.

"Do you really wanna know the answer to that?" He asks back.

Oh no. I knew I was right.

I nod weakly even though I know I don't want to hear that he doesn't find me attractive in that way.

"I've had so many wet dreams about you that it's unreal." He tells me, no sign of embarrassment on his face.

"You have?" I ask, almost excitedly.

He laughs softly at my reaction. "Yes, you crazy girl. You are so attractive to me it's unbelievable. It's hard for me to keep my hands to myself sometimes, but I'm willing to wait as long as possible until you're ready. I never want to pressure you."

His words spark something awake inside me. "In these dreams you have, what do we do?"

He doesn't answer at first, he keeps staring at my face. "Most of the time it's us laying in one our beds, and our parents and everyone are gone somewhere, and it's just you and me."

I lean up and take my shirt off. "And then?"

His eyes widen when he seems to realize what I want to do. "We normally start off by kissing and making out."

I lean over, putting my bare chest against him, and start kissing him. Really kissing him. I slip my tongue in his mouth, and put my hand into the back of his hair, yanking on his dark curls a little.

He groans but pulls away. "What's wrong?" I ask, afraid he's not into it.

"Are you sure this is what you want? I don't want you to feel like you have to do this."

"Tell me what we do next in your dreams." I lightly skim my lips over the skin on his throat.

He's breathing hard and his voice is hoarse. "Well, we usually take each other's clothes off."

I waste no time grabbing the front of his pants and undoing his belt buckle. He pulls his shirt over his head, and then reaches to pull off my pajama shorts.

"And now?" I ask that we're completely naked. My heart is racing because this is the first time we've ever seen each other like this.

"I just want to forewarn you that I didn't shower after my game, so if I stink.."

But he doesn't finish his sentence because I use my tongue to lick up his chest and neck. "Yeah, I can still taste the sweat on you." And then I start kissing him again and he rolls over on top of me.

He grabs my hands in his hands, and places them on the mattress above my head. "We have to slow down, or I'm not even going to make it to the good part."

"Does that mean this is better than your dreams?" I ask him cheekily.

"God, Yes. One hundred percent better." And I can feel against my belly just how much he really is enjoying this.

Surprisingly enough, I don't feel nervous at all to be doing this with him. Everything feels so good and so natural, I'm not even thinking before I do or say something.

He brings our hands in front of us, and kisses my knuckles. "The spaces between your fingers should always be filled with mine."

I smile up at him. "I love you, Sut. Happy birthday." I whisper.

"I love you too, Lil, so much."

"Show me how much." I tell him.

"Yes ma'am, and just so you know, I'm still keeping count and we're at 988. Let's see how high we can get." He tells me right before he dives in and takes over my mouth, my body, and my heart for what feels like the millionth time.

And in case you were wondering, we made it to 1050 kisses that night, and he said it was his best birthday ever. I had never felt so much love between two people before.

A/N: So I know it's not the next part of the story, but I hadn't done a flashback in a while and they are one of my favorite things to write for them! I also think their first time deserved it's very own chapter! Lol

What do you guys think of the new book cover?

My book suggestion for this chapter is "The Mason List" by SD Hendrickson! One of my all time favorites.

Don't forget to vote and comment y'all!! Thank you! (: