The edge of nothing

*mentions of suicide*

Waking up in a hospital bed, down i banners lab, your head spinning. You turn your head looking beside you. Smiling as you see Steve sound asleep next to you.

You take a pillow, throwing it against him. As he quickly opens his eyes.

"Goodmorning sunshine" you chuckle as you turn over resting on your side. Groaning in pain as the headache hits you over again.

"Does it hurt?"

You run your fingers through your hair, reaching behind your head.

"A bit" you admit. "What happened?"

"You were drunk, you danced... You fell and hit your head pretty hard" Steve explains, as he leans slightly forward. "You have a minor concussion"

"That's just great" you scoff..

"You need to take better care of yourself y/n... drinking like that won't do any good"

You sigh, rolling your eyes.

"I'm serious" Steve says.

"I can tell"

"Don't do this to yourself" Steve pleads. "We see you.. Your struggles"

"You don't get it" you say quietly. "None of you gets it"

Steve gets up, hesitantly sitting down beside you. You groan as you make room for him.

"Tell me"

You look up at him, slightly furrowed brows.

"Go on"

"I don't know who I am anymore.. what's parts are real and which isn't.. it's all blending together into a meaningless ball of nothingness" you sigh. "Most days I feel nothing.. I feel nothing"

Steve takes your hand, smiling sadly.

"I wake up and I just think.. really again?.. do I have to do this again?" You sniffle. "I don't understand how everybody else tells the difference.. I certainly can't. I see things, when I'm asleep, when I'm awake.. how do people tell dreams and reality apart?" You ask.

"I don't know.." Steve admits.

"Of course you don't.. I've tried you know.. tried to make myself feel something real, but nothing ever changes" you sob.

"This thing of ours.. whatever that is.. that's real y/n" Steve says softly.

You smile nodding your head. As a single tear rolls down your cheek.

"What if I'm not that girl you once knew?.."

"You're not... you've been through extreme amounts of pain, of loss. That changes someone. But it makes us stronger, it has made you stronger" He assures you.

"I don't see it that way"

"You know who taught me that?" Steve chuckles.

You simply shake your head, biting the inside of your cheek, waiting for him to answer.

"You did" He smiles, cupping your face. As he wipes away a single tear rolling down your cheek.

"Thank you" you smile softly.

"I'll go get you some food" Steve says, placing a kiss on your cheek. "Please just take the Day off"

As you sit alone, resting your head against the pillow. You once again feel nothing.

You couldn't get that glimpse of Loki out of your head. Still unsure what it could mean. You knew for a fact you had never been to Asgard let alone with him. So why was he in your head. Why did he occupy your every awaken thought, when you meant nothing to him. He never showed you any sign that he cared for you. He betrayed your trust, played with your emotions.. like you were nothing to him.

Nights passed, as nights always do.

Followed by a day where the sun set, and went down again.

Followed by another.

And another.

And another.

You gave up counting the days, as they melted into one.

You hadn't talked to the group since you woke up in the hospital that morning... they took turns staying with you at night, until you could finally get out of bed. You hadn't bothered to tell them about your vision. They already treated you as you were going to break. You couldn't stand giving them another reason look at you differently.

As days past the light in your eyes slowly faded, the happiness turned to sadness, turning to numbness. You couldn't explain to anyone why you felt the way you did. When you didn't understand it yourself.

What once was April turned to November. Yet you felt like time had melted into a meaningless mess.

You had locked yourself away in your room, Tony frequently came to check on you, bringing you scrambled pancakes, with some maple syrup. You could barely keep any food down. Your body was fighting itself. Trying to hold you together.

The only reason you got out of your room was if you needed a change in scenery. Talking a long walk through the park, only to return to your bedroom. The same rutina went on for days on end. Like nothing even mattered anymore. You turned down missions, shopping trips, coffee dates. You turned down everything that required human interaction.

You walk home from the park, deciding to stop by the kitchen for some snacks. When you hear the group arguing.

"We have to do something.. she's not eating, she hasn't talked to anyone in weeks"

"We can't force her"

"Yes we can, if I have to help her chew it I will"

"Is there any news about loki?"

You walk up the staircase, as your body freezes at the sound of his name. You hold your breath, quietly sitting down listening in on their conversation.

"No.. I haven't heard back from Thor in days.."

"That's it I'm going in there"

"Tony you can't.. you have to accept her choice"

"Fuck her choice.. She's a wreck, she's clearly not happy"

"So what exactly did she tell you about her dreams stark?"

"She's sees him every time she closes her eyes, I think some part of her remembers him"

"How is that even possible?"

"You're seriously asking what's possible Clint. We're talking about an immortal woman, who's probably a god from Asgard, in love with a full blown sociopath"

"Then what do you want to do huh?"

"We need to tell her"

You step up from the stairs, crossing your arms. "Yeah I think that's a good idea" you speak.

They all turn around looking at you.

"Go on.. don't let my presence stop you from talking about me" you scoff. As you stand up resting against the edge of the couch, waiting for them to explain.

"Y/n-"

"No go on, I'm listening. What is it you need to tell me?"

"How much did you hear?" Bruce asks softly.

"Enough" you hiss.. "now what's going on?"

"Sit down" Tony sighs.

They all take a seat, as they try to figure out the best way to explain everything.

"Alright where should we start?"

"How about the beginning?" You scowl.

They all take turns filling in the blanks. Starting with the truth about Loki. You can barely say anything. Nothing makes sense anymore. Wrapping your head around the tremendous of sacrifice Loki gave up just to make you happy. Not only getting out of your way, but erasing every trail of his existence in your memory.

"Y/n?"

You look up from the ground.

"Are you still with us?" Steve asks.

"Yeah" you nod you heart.

Their voices all blur out, you can't keep your focus on anything. You don't feel anything. It's like you've seized to exist in this very moment. You don't know what's more insane, you being in love with Loki, or him actually loving you back. This had to be some cruel joke on you..

"What do you need?" Natasha asks.

"I think I just need a moment to think" you breathe out.

You stare out of the window watching as the clouds shifts. Trying to piece together all the information.

"So I'm not y/n Jones?"

"Well sort of" Tony says. "That's the name you chose when you ended up here on earth. That's what we call you"

"Okay" you say blatantly. "But I'm not from Chicago..?"

"No.. you're not"

"Is everything I know a lie?" You whimper. "Are we a lie?"

"No.. we were very much real" Tony assures you.

"I know this is a lot to process. And if we can do anything for you just let us know" Clint assures you.

"I think I just need to be alone" you say as you try to hold back the tears.

"Alright.. we're right here if you need us" Steve smiles.

You get up, walking up to the top of the tower, looking down over the city. Each step you take your body feels heavier. Biting down on your lip trying to silence your muffled cries Watching as everyone goes on with their everyday lives. Wondering what to eat for dinner, or what to buy their kids for Christmas. While you sit here, barely even knowing who you truly are.

Suddenly the rain starts pouring down over you. You start laughing as the cold rain gently hits your skin. You look up letting yourself be completely consumed by the refreshing embrace of raindrops. Barely able to tell what are tears and what is rain. Hoping it magically will wash away the sadness.

You find yourself thinking about him. Wondering if he's somewhere out there thinking about you to. What you wouldn't give to undo that night now. Pull away just in time, tell him you've changed your mind. Ask him to hold you, and forgive him for his mistakes. As well as he forgives you for yours.

You would give anything to see him just one more time.

"I don't know how this works.. or if you can even hear me.. but whoever is up there please find him for me" you call out to the sky.

You begin laughing again thinking about how ridiculous you must look right now. Soaking wet, screaming at the top of your lunges to some god up in the sky.

"Loki I need you to come home.. home to me.. I made a mistake. Please forgive me"

You lay down on the cold wet floor. When suddenly the rain becomes heavier, feeling like tiny rocks thrown against you. You slowly move to the edge of the tower. Wondering what would happen if you just fell. Maybe the wind would carry you, or the damage would be so severe you'd never recover, spending the rest of you days in a wheelchair.

You hate yourself for thinking that way.. for wanting to die. But you've lived your life, longer than any normal human should have lived. You just want have a normal life for once. You take another step, you weren't gonna jump. You just liked the view up here. It wasn't worth it, risking your life you knew that. But you couldn't seem to care.

"Y/n?"

Your heart skips a beat as you hear his voice. Feeling as time slows down, the cars beneath you moving in slow motion, pinching yourself in the arm. There was no way it could be him, it made no sense. He shouldn't be here, it's not possible for someone to just vanish from thin air. That's not normal, that's not what happens in real life. Unless you were dreaming again. You want so badly to turn around and see him. But you don't know what you'll do if he's real.. what you could ever begin to say to him. Instead you close your eyes, focusing on the sound of the rain.

"You're not real" you whisper as You look down once more.