11. Journals

Chapter 11 – Journals

Monday.

   It was the worse day of the week and I couldn't stress enough about coming back from the weekend, which had been perfect.

   Alex and I went back to the ritual of Sunday breakfast again, and that felt beyond wonderful, but it was different.

   We weren't just friends, we were something. And in my heart, it was better than nothing. Something changed in Alex that was barely visible to the naked eye, but I saw it.

   He glowed a little when we ate our breakfast in silence on that Sunday morning, with the sun shining brightly through the windows of the Café, the smell of brewed coffee beans and freshly cooked food filled the air as we enjoyed our time together.

    But now, I was in a stinky and God awful place, it was called a class room. Alex was nowhere to be found as fat man spoke in the front of the class.

  My hand was holding up my sleepy head, trying to stay awake as my eyelids droop slowly. The steady ticking of my pencil against my desk was the only thing I could hear while everything else around me was muffled.

   I wanted Alex to be here, but he hadn't text me back or had he even told me he wouldn't be at school.

   But of course, I was thinking of Alex when I should be paying attention to my teacher. I noticed Rian turning around with a note in his hand.

   It took me by surprised when he tossed it on my desk with having the intention of not wanting to be caught.

"Alex wanted me to give it to you." He whispered, showing his overly white teeth widely.

  I nodded my head and started to unravel the letter under my desk. Alex must have hanged out with Rian before school.

Laila Rose,

I'll see you in 6th period. Can we hang out after school? Maybe your house?

   I smiled down onto the letter. There was a weird tangling sensation in my stomach. I had grown used to it but in this moment, I realized of what it really was. It was like butterflies fluttering around my stomach that couldn't 0be tamed. They came around whenever he crossed my mind and there was no way to stop them or to prevent them. It was Alex's doing with all the affection, and he was oblivious to even know he had this type of effect on me.

   He was unaware to relationships I had notice, but I was encountered with all the things I had seen in the movies and read in books. He just didn't quite understand fully of what he was doing to me.

  He had opened a door in my mind that was filled with this affection that I won't put a name on it just yet. But it was leading somewhere unknown to me. Boys are weird creatures; that was the best way to put it.

   It was finally six period, and I waited impatiently at my desk, staring at the classroom door while everyone was walking in. I had one person in mind. All I wanted was to see a brunet haired boy coming through the door that was at the height of 6'0", who was probably wearing skinny jeans and boots with his hair being suffocated by hairspray.

That was all I had in mind.

   My heart skipped a beat when I saw the exact description of the boy coming through the door. And you bet that I was grinning like a fool.

Alex took a seat next to me, giving me a lazy smile as he did so. 

  I turned my head to give Mr.James the attention that he was asking the whole class for.  His thumb was pointing to the board, "The assignment for the weekly journal entry is written on the board. I'm giving you the whole class period to write. Use it wisely."

He took a seat at his desk, indication that we could begin.

  I swiftly glance at Alex to see his reaction of to what was written on the board. It was a harder topic to write about, its level of difficulty grew harder every week.

   Alex's eyebrows lowered with his head tilting a little, but he didn't say anything and went straight into working. With his head an inch away from the desk and having his pen connected to his journal, it was plain in sight he was now fully concentrated.

Now looking at my own paper, I had to think hard about the topic. 'What's something you can't lose?'

   There were not many things in the world that I wished to lose, one of them being Alex. I had already written about him last week, so now I felt the need to find something new.

   My mind would be another one. I had read about people losing their minds, and it was something I couldn't bear to think happening to me. Even though I would get small tastes of it, especially with my night terrors that deprived me from sleep, it was still something I wouldn't be prepared to face; losing my mind was the unthinkable.

I hadn't realized I was hyperventilating until I noticed my palms were slightly becoming sweaty. I took deep breath, not wanting to think about my night terrors anymore.

   So I grabbed my pencil and started to move my thoughts from my mind down to the ink of the source of my writing onto the paper.

   When the bell rung, I was so caught up in my writing, I had completely lost track of time. I raced to put supplied into my bag. Alex had exited out the room, most likely waiting for me outside in the parking lot, which had forced me to hurry along, not wanting to make him wait on me.

  Before I could left, Alex's journal on his desk caught my attention in the corner of my eye. Picking it up, I examined it for a quick second before stuffing it into my bag so I could return it to him later on.

Just before I was about to talk out of the class room, Mr. James voice stopped me.

"Laila? Can I have a word with you?"

   I froze in my place and panicked at what he had in mind to tell me. My mouth drastically turned dry whilst my loudly pounding heart could be heard from a mile away. My anxiety and a gut feeling to run boiled in me as I slowly turned around.

   "I've read a couple of your journal entries, you have potential." He smiled, running his hand through his hair that reminded me of Alex.

   I nodded my head – not knowing what else to do with myself. I never had a teacher confront me like that before, it was new to me.

Then, he nodded his head and turned around to his desk. I took it as a dismissal.

  Hurrying along, I clutched on my bag as I ran through the hallways that only had a few people lingering around. My heart seemed like it was leaping at the thought of Alex. This always happened, I got that same weird feeling and my smile couldn't tame itself from him constantly on my mind.

Once I exited the front doors of the school, my eyes scanned the parking lot. I began to walk through the different cars just to get to the one I spied, my converse scraping on the pavement as my legs carried me faster. The Sun was out, but it was about to go missing in an hour, for another storm.

   In a short minute, I was greeted by Alex, who was leaning against his car, looking down at his feet with his hands stuffed into his pockets. I stood there like an idiot, watching him with heart-eyes, without knowing what to do or how I should approach him.

Suddenly, a thought surged through me.

   Sneaking up to him without him realizing, I wrapped my tiny arms around his waist, resting my chin on his chest. Looking up at him, he smiled and slipped his arms around my hips.

"Hi," I breathed out, and was rewarded by a laugh from him. His scent inflamed into my nose, vanilla and cologne. The fragrance of him was becoming a comfort thing for me. It was sweet and was gradually becoming into a memorized smell.

"Your house?" He questioned.

   I nodded my head, and I removed away from him, but quickly taken back with his arm tightening around me. It startled me when his lips connect to mine, leaving me breathless by the action, but instantly my body relaxed under his touch. His lips curled into a smile in the middle of the sweet kiss, causing me to do the same with my cheeks heating up. His grip loosened, letting me go.

   Unexpectedly, we heard a disapproving and obvious scuff, causing us to snap our heads towards the direction of the sound. It was just another typical red head walking by, eyeing us like we did a crime.

    Alex rolled his eyes and returned back to me.

   "Let's go." He grumbled, and then murmured something that was almost inaudible, something about jealously.

  But nonetheless, we arrived to my empty house in only a short matter of minutes. We're of course in my kitchen, looking for something good to eat for our starving stomachs. I was on the floor, looking through a lower cabinet, as Alex searched for whatever it could be.

"Laila?" he called my name.

I stuck my head out of the cabinet and looked up at him, "Hmm?"

"Why is there no knifes?" He inquired, with a pizza in his left hand.

   I picked myself up with my hands on my knees, and knitted my eyebrows together as I investigated around the kitchen, and to my surprise, he was right. There were no kitchen knives to be found. I had never realized that throughout my life that there were no kitchen knives.

"That's odd." I shrugged, not really bothered by the fact.

   My mind wandered as neither of us talked for a while, and it wasn't awkward or intense, it was just us. Simple and peaceful was all I can describe the mood. Alex sat down on the floor and closed his eyes, looking complete serene.

  I stared at him as he did, causing me to smile a little. His eyes suddenly open with his lips shaping into an 'O'.

   "I completely forgot!" He jumped up and ran out the kitchen, following with the front door opening then closing with an accidental slam.

   I chuckled as I waited for him to come back. When he did, he had a CD in his hand, but he quickly hid it behind his back, thinking I wouldn't see it.  His foolishness only made my lips grow wider as he held a smirk upon his face. He stopped in front of me, overlooking my eyes for a second. 

  His hand was revealed including the CD, which he had given to me. The smile on his face told it all. "I wasn't lying when I said I was going to create a mixtape if you're going to hang around me more often."

   I slanted my head to the right, curious at the object. This boy was something else, including his smirk.

     "You weren't lying, huh?" I chuckle, examining the messy hand writing that was written with permanent black marker on the CD. It read 'Songs about Laila Rose, for Laila Rose.'

    "What's up with you and my middle name?" I sat up on the counter, pulling on Alex's shirt for him to come closer. 

  I had no idea what I was doing, to be completely honest, but I liked it. I had a sudden need to be close with Alex, and there was something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. He was just so appealing to me. Maybe it was his style of clothes, or his lips that could be either found with a smirk or a smile. Or maybe it was his tousled hair.

   He still had a smirk on his lips as his body was between my legs. The tingling sensation raise as he intertwined our hands together, his callus pads of his fingers cause my skin to grow in goosebumbs. His rather large hand compared to mine fit almost perfectly, it was such a cliché thing to think about. But it was all true, it was somewhat perfect in a way, but still had its difference as we held our hands together, it described our relationship, or whatever we had.

Our noses brushed against each other's softly. My hand ran through his soft hair, something I was dying to do.

"Permission to kiss you?" He sweetly smiled, causing butterflies burst into my stomach.

I nodded with a giggle and my lips formed into a smile once his touched mine. Everything about the kiss was soft and gentle, unlike other kisses we've shared. But all I wanted was more. I wanted more kisses from him with a deep desire, wanting deep kisses, long-lasting kisses, tender kisses, a quick kiss, any type of kisses, but the one thing that will be the same will be him. I just wanted Alex and wanted him to be the only one for my lips and his.

   Alex's hand travelled behind my lower back, pushing me closer to him, causing me to squeal a little. I already knew I was blushing like the colour of a ripe apple, I could feel the heat in them.

  Without any warning, a small moan hummed against my lips from him, something about it made me immediately yank away from it, and the sudden realization of what I was doing, especially to this boy had me on high alert.

 I let out a shaky breath and hid my face with my hair, nervous from the hand of his that was placed on my upper thigh.

"Laila?" His eyebrows lowered, his lips pressed into a firm line, his facial expression a frown almost.

"Are you-" He paused, licking his lips. "Are you a virgin?"

  My eyes widen with my eyebrows raised, did I want to confess it to him? But the lingering question in my mind made me furious, I felt betrayed.

   "Was this what it was?" I pushed him harshly away from me. "Was this all it was fucking about!?"

    I hopped off the counter with my hands coiled into fists.  He made me more than just infuriated and felt lied to. He got under my comfort zone and made me do things I've never have done, I put my trust into him. Now, I couldn't help but feel like he was using me all along.

   Yet, he was speechless and utterly confused. He was baffled, his eyebrows knitted together, his mouth hung wide open.  

 "You just wanted to get in my pants!" I spat, pushing my hands on his chest. I had never wanted someone out of my house so badly.

  I should have listened to Derek, it would have saved me time and the heartbreak that I had coming towards me.

"Laila-" He barely breathed out my name before I cut him off.

  "Save it, Alex! I trusted you!" My progress of getting him out the front door was still in full action, my fists still beating down hard on his firm chest repeatedly. "I can't believe you! Just leave! I never want to see you again!"

   He yelled my name multiple times, but they didn't faze me. Not one bit. The rage inside of me enabled me to dominate over him, despite the incredible difference between his and I's height and strength. But I still manage to yank the front door open, giving all my power to push him out.

Somehow, I was successful and slammed the door shut, following by him yelling my name.

   I slide my back down against the door, letting in a breath that I needed. I had never been the one to be physical with someone and it made me scared more than anything.

    I could felt Alex banging against the door with solid hits that made everything shake. With every thumb pounding into the wood, my back would bounce off from the power of his strength, but I ignored it, forcing the sound out of my head.

   "Open the god damn door, Laila!" His scream made me silently cry. I could only just imagine what his face appeared to be right now. Most likely his mouth was coming out with spit and his hands clenched into fists, with his face burning with anger of red.

  The pounding of the door was booming with the copper hinges squeaking as if they were about to shatter into millions of pieces.

"Laila! Let me explain!"

My mouth quivered, salty tears run down my cheeks and dripped off my jaw. My lips remained shut, not wanting to add anything to the fuel.

  The banging of his fist and feet slowly faded into a full stop, and yet I honestly thought he was going to be there all night until I opened the door, but  I guess the tables have turned.

  "Laila, it's not like that, please." His voice was weak in his beg, breaking my heart with my chest thumbing from his words that were jagged and sadden.

   After a few seconds of absolutely nothing, I heard the revving of his car and the rubber of his tires screeching on the pavement.

It all goes out faintly, an indication that he was gone.

   I hoisted myself up after being on the cold floor crying after a while. Someone was bound to be home soon enough to find me, and that was something I didn't want. So I took my burden body and the CD that Alex had given me upstairs to my bedroom.

  I showered and put my hair into a bun, not even bothering with my hair considering I wouldn't be going anywhere for the rest of the evening. Sometime between reading a chapter of a recent book, had drifted off into a sleep and was shaken from my slumber by Derek, who was sitting down on my bed. I gave him a dirty look, sure I spilled orange juice all over his girlfriend on purpose, but he didn't need to be over dramatic when he told Dad, who grounded me.

"Dinner," He simply said.

"I'm not hungry," I grumbled, jerking my sheets over my head.

  It was only just a few minutes until I felt something being placed at the end of my bed.  I peak quickly, only to find a plate with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and chips. I ended up eating anyway, but what I really wanted was a tub of ice cream.

   After that, I lied on my bed, writing a little, listening to music for some time, and just think about everything. Thinking about everything got me tired when the clock hit nine with my room just as dark as it was outside.

My eyes began to become weary and my mind slowing down with the speed of thinking, then sleep consumed me once again for the second time.

   I was running but I didn't know why. I heard screaming, it was familiar, but still so distance. I was being shaken but I was all too much to handle.

  My eyes shot open with my mouth still screeching loudly that was capable of making anyone's ears bleed. My bedroom light on my stand was turned on, allowing me to see my Dad with a worried expression.

"You're okay," He cooed, rubbing my bag caringly.

I let out a desperate sob, exhausted by the event.  "It's always the same dream, Dad."

   "It's just a phase. Everything will be okay." His words were soft and believable to anyone, expect me. It couldn't be a phase when I had dealt with it through my entire life.

"Do you want some water?"

I shook my head stubbornly. I just wanted one thing; one thing who's raspy voice was music to my ears, his scent comforting, and his arms feeling like home.

Alex.

  I had never needed him whenever my night terrors coame around, but right now, I had the craving to be in his arms and care.

"I'm going to bed ,okay?  Get me if you need me." He kissed my forehead before leaving my room.

   I exhaled and glimpsed at my clock, which flashed midnight in red numbers. My eyes trailed over to my open book bag. Alex's journal hung out of it, leaving me curious.

  As a writer, I knew I shouldn't look through his work, but I just had to. It was reeling me in as I got up to grab it.

Just one page, I told myself.

One page only.

I return back to my bed and opened to the entry from today. My pupils adjust to the poor lighting of my room, and began to rip the privacy of the words on the page.

   She's like this; have you ever met a new person for the very first time and something about the person throws you off, either in a good way or a bad way? It could be random and at any given moment, at a bar or at a party, maybe church or through mutual friends. But it's always something, and her? She's throwing me off in a good way, every day, all the time. It's like I'm meeting her for the first time every minute of the hour and it's always something different that I'm learning about her that intrigues me.

   Her laugh; I want to swim in it for as long as possible before the summer rain takes place in the afternoon. Oh god, I rather drown in her laughter nonetheless. It would be a pleasure to die that sweetly.

 When her clear blue eyes twinkle in the Sun's light; all I want to do is stare into them before the Moon takes place of the Sun.

Her touch; it makes my heart drop into my stomach and explode into millions of butterflies that flutter like crazy.

  Her hair; It's the same every day, perfectly. I'd die thousands of times just to sweep a small piece of it to place it behind her ear, it's an event that I'm always waiting and prepared to happen - To have that tiny moment where that one piece goes out of line.

Her heart; Jesus Christ, It's made of gold with its snakebites that come out once in a while. It's more than just admirable to be a part of that big heart of gold.

But it's when her blushing and shyness that rises from the dark that gets me. She can be feisty as hell but when her moments come, she'll hide her face away as her fair skin cheeks blend into a colour that can be easily be written with a pen or the colour of which my veins pump into my beating heart. It can be named off as the colour of desperation or love. Maybe even desire. But it's the colour that can be a few blends away to being brand new.

She's slowly opening my heart and I don't know what to do, I've never had this happen to me. I just don't want her to leave. I need her not to leave me, even if there are hours of where I'm closing the gates to my heart.

I can't take heartbreak from a girl that I have so much desire to know more about. She has me at a point where I barely know what the hell I am doing or what in the world is wrong with me, and it's all because of something within her that is pulling me in like a magnet that I have no idea of what it could be.

  I was left speechless and had a terrible feeling within me, making me want to throw up. The harsh words I screamed at Alex today were the only thing I'd ever wish to take back so greatly. I dragged myself out of bed, slipping into sweatpants and a hoodie and my shoes. I had one thing in mind and was determined to get this fixed out from my irrational thinking from earlier.

All I need was him, and to repair the damaged I've done.

________

a.n

My heart explodes every time I write for The Remembering, *sighs* I'll be at the doctors to fix my heart because of the Lailex feels.

If you guys could vote, that would be wonderful, and maybe leave a comment ;D If you do, I'll buy you an Alex Gaskarth. How does that sound?

This chapter is dedicated to Bands_will_destroy, you're hella rad, girl B)

- Kc Jun.24.14

p.s- I'm possibly moving soon, my house is having an open house this Friday. Regarding with updating, I'll try my best!