Chapter 15

"What are we?"

Then, I remembered my words to myself that I'll patiently wait for P'Off.

But I'm not asking us to be together, I'm just asking what we are.

"Actually, nevermind," I said. I plugged in my earphones and listened to music for the rest of the drive. I wanted to drown out the dark feeling that is trying to surface. I want to push my fears and doubts deep inside that I won't feel them anymore. It leaves a tight feeling in my chest, but I realized that I'm scared of what P'Off's answer would be. I can feel him throwing glances at me, but I did not dare look at him because I don't want him to see how I vulnerable I feel. When I confessed to him, I also gave him my heart wholehearedly. Now, I'm scared that he can hurt me easily. I know that I said that I wanted us to be friends again, but deep inside I don't want us to be just friends.

I want to take care of P'Off. I want us to go on dates and shop together. I want to watch movies with him and fall asleep beside him. I want to be able to make his heart beat fast and make him smile. I want to kiss him. I want us to be together.

When P'Off finally parked his car, I immediately went out of the car. I waited for him to go out then I walked ahead of him. I feel dumb and confused and frustrated about why I'm acting this way. More importantly, I don't want to deal with these feelings for now.

The shooting immediately began when we arrived. I guess not being the main actor has its perks. I get to rest and eat while I watch other people do their work. I've just realized now how chaotic our set could be. There are always people walking around and people are always doing something.

Meanwhile, the director began the shooting with P'Off and Jane's love scenes. I acted professional. On the outside, I observe them silently and give them my support. I clap and give them a thumbs up for every scene that they succesfully finish. I also converse with other actors about work in general. Deep inside, I can feel this bitter twang that I should be one of the main leads. I also know that I would want to be in Jane's place, not P'Off. It's a wishful thinking that will never come true. The thought does not give me comfort, it gives me unrealistic hope. I drowned that thought away as much as I can.

"N'Gun, you're up," the assitant director said. I briefly scanned the script and stood.

Finally, we're shooting a scene I'm included in. I was a new kid in school who started pursuing Jane. I feel unnecessary, to be honest. The rival character is included just to give the main characters more spice, so that the story can show how they strengthen their relationship. I'm not a rival, I'm just an extra character. They did not even bother to show the motivation of my character.

"Lights, camera, and action!" We're shooting the scene where P'Off will confront me and stop me from pursuing Jane.

"Listen, I like her so much. I really do. So, if you don't have any good intention towards her, just stop," P'Off said. I followed the script as written. I smirked and pushed P'Off on the shoulder.

"And you? You think you have a chance on her? It's obvious who's more suitable to be with her between the two of us. Get out of my way," I said. Then, I walked past P'Off.

"Annoying," I whispered, but still loud enough for P'Off to hear. I heard the camera zoom in slowly. We're about to reach the intense part of the scene.

"Why? Why are you more deserving than me? Because you're more talented? Because you're more good looking?" I turned towards P'Off and smirked again. The side of my mouth is starting to get uncomfortable. The camera is also getting closer. I can feel my heart slowly increasing in its pace. I hope I won't forget my lines out of nervousness.

"I'm begging you, please stay away from the love of my life." Shia, that hurts. I looked at P'Off's eyes.

"No, I won't," I said. My voice threatened to break so I did a little impromptu. I slowly walked towards P'Off as I swallow an invisible lump in my throat.

"Because I love you too."

Shia.

For a second, I forgot that we were shooting for a scene. I was staring at P'Off so I clearly saw how his eyes widened. I also saw how his mouth almost arced to a smile but he repressed it. I saw his efforts to keep a stoic face.

Meanwhile, there were murmurs around us. That wasn't what I was supposed to say. Written in the script was "Because I love her too."

One word. All it took was one word to completely change the meaning of the sentence.

When my mistake finally dawned on me, I immediately apologized to the director and the staff. I also apologized to P'Off whose face was unreadable.

"Please let's have another take," I said. I was so embarrassed at my mistake that I can't look at the directors and staff. My eyes were locked on the ground.

"I think we should takena break first," P'Off said. I immediately turned towards him. He was staring at me.

I barely understood what the director said to P'Off. I just felt P'Off hold my wrist and pull me to a corner.

"P'Off," I said when he finally let go of my wrist.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked. He turned his back on me. My heart started beating really fast out of fear. Was he mad at me?

"It was an honest mistake, I swear!" I said. I know that things between us got awkward because of what I asked him in the car. I even avoided him on purpose. However, I felt scared that he might not see it that way. I was afraid that he'd think I did it on purpose and that I was declaring my feelings for him in public, that I was somehow announcing to the world that P'Off belongs to me. I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing him to be with me.

"Gun." His voice was low. He slowly turned towards me. Instinctively, I stepped back. Then, I felt the wall behind me.

"I wasn't trying to do anything..." My voice faltered when he held my arms and pinned me on the wall. My eyes were locked on the floor. I don't want to see him mad at me.

"Gun, I want to be with you."