fourteen » expression

I felt like I was a shark in an aquarium with the amount of stares I was getting off other grounders. Majority were glares because they truly believed that the fire last night was my fault, and I was pretty sure that it was the stall-owner who was telling them all. I didn't care about that though. All I cared about was Lexa.

I wasn't even sure if she was mad at me or not. She wasn't exactly speaking to me breakfast, but she wasn't ignoring me either, leading me to ponder whether she thought I did it or not. But something told me that after the way she reacted yesterday, it was no longer about the fire. But something bigger. 

I didn't even know what was going on between Lexa and I anymore. I felt like I was going in circles with her. One minute she's ignoring me, the next we're kissing, the next she's ignoring me again, and now this. I felt like whenever I was one step closer to understanding what she felt for me, I was being sent three steps back. And it was tiring.

I knew that I liked Lexa, and I wasn't going to deny it. But I wasn't going to tell her straightforwardly either. At least not until I knew for sure whether she felt anything for me, too. Instead, I decided to wait and see how everything would play out, because right now, I was trying my best to avoid getting beat off any angry grounders that happened to hate my guts for no apparent reason.

I was currently walking to the throne room, trying to find Lexa and hopefully speak to her about last night. Not necessarily the fire, because that had been sorted out last night and the damage had been fixed. More about our conversation – or should I say me trying to speak and her interrupting me every two seconds. I just wanted to get to the bottom of everything and see if she was okay. Despite her acting weird with me, I knew something was up, and she was obviously trying to hide it from me.

As I was walking, I ended up bumping shoulders with a tall bulky dude, and I froze in my spot, hoping it wasn't some angry grounder ready to kill me.

"You're Y/N."

I turned around and relaxed when I saw that it was no one I recognised, though he knew who I was, making me think that I had once met him. His long dark hair framed his rugged face, and he had a smirk on his lips as he watched me with amusement.

"I'm sorry, have we met before?" I asked him, trying not to show how uncomfortable I felt under his gaze. He had these weird scars along his face, and they were beginning to creep me out.

He shook his head, the silly smirk still on his lips. "I'm Prince Roan of Azgeda."

I nodded my head, about to introduce myself, only to realise what he just said. I furrowed my eyebrows, watching him curiously. "Azgeda? As in–"

"Ice Nation?" he interrupted with a cocky smile and a nod. "Yes."

The story that Lexa told me about the Ice Nation and what they did to Costia, as well as what Nyko told me about them suddenly flashed to mind, and I took a small, hesitant step back, which I'm pretty sure he noticed.

I smiled awkwardly. "Uh, cool, dude. Nice to meet you an' all, but I really must be going..."

He eyed me up and down once more, before smiling obnoxiously and nodding his head. As he began to walk past me, I heard him say, "Oh, it's very nice to meet you, too, Y/N."

I glanced over my shoulder nervously, only to see him rounding the corner. Once he was out of sight, I shook my head to rid the discomfort, and ignored the fact that he was even here in the first place. Lexa came back to mind, and I remembered what I was doing, so with that in mind, I continued my journey to the throne room.

When I arrived there, I saw that the doors were already ajar, so took this as my chance to waltz right in. I expected to see Lexa sitting on her throne possibly, or looking out from her balcony, as she usually is. However, she was nowhere to be found, and only Titus was there, looking at something on a desk. When he was aware of my presence, he turned around and diverted his attention to me.

"Where's Lexa?" I asked him with an eye-roll, not in the mood to argue with him right now.

He clenched his jaw slightly, and shook his head. "I thought I told you to leave her alone, Y/N."

I rolled my eyes again, and looked at him seriously. "Look, dude," I restrained myself from calling him Titty-us again, "I just want to speak to her."

He cracked a smile, which I knew was anything but polite. He motioned around him as he said, "Well, would you look at that? She isn't here. Maybe that is a sign for you to leave her alone."

I narrowed my eyes at him, watching him lower his arms back to his side and watch me with a teasing smirk on his lips. I rolled my eyes and turned on my heel, knowing he would be of no help to me.

As I was opening the doors to leave, I ended up looking straight at Lexa, who happened to be walking in. She looked up to see who was blocking her path, but when she saw that it was me, her gaze immediately dropped to the floor.

"My face is up here you know," I tried to joke, hoping to lighten the mood and potentially get her to smile, but of course I failed epically and she continued to stare at the ground.

"Excuse me, Y/N," she spoke quietly, hoping to push past me, but I held her before me, stopping her with my arms.

"I just want to talk," I said, releasing her arms and looking at her, for hope she would look back. She didn't respond though, so I tried cutting to the chase. "I just want to know why you reacted like you did last night. Do you not trust me?"

She finally looked up, directly into my eyes, in fact, yet it seemed like she was a million miles away. "Leave it alone, Y/N."

As she tried to push past me again, I grabbed her arm and pulled her back, saying, "Tell me, Lexa."

She shook me off harshly and stared me down. "You can't speak to me like that."

I frowned at her words. "Well, you can't either because it hurts."

Her expression softened as I said this, and she sighed quietly, stepping back a little. "It doesn't matter, Y/N."

She turned around and headed towards Titus who was smiling at me annoyingly. I waited for her to turn around, but she never did, making me sigh tiredly. I decided to let it go this time, but only for now. I would speak to her soon and get it out of her. I just had to, otherwise I would be stuck going in circles like this forever.

***

"Q," I called for my bodyguard when I saw him by a stall in the busy paths of Polis.

He glanced at me when he heard me speak, but made no move to acknowledge my presence. He turned back to the stall, making me gasp at how ignorant he was being. He just stared directly at me!

"Dude!" I called again, only to be met with silence from the older grounder.

I narrowed my eyes at him with annoyance, and looked down, thinking of a way to get his attention. In the corner of a nearby stall, I saw some small stones in a pile, obviously the remnants from whatever building was once there. I grabbed a handful and looked back to Q, hoping he would've acknowledged me by now. But of course, I was wrong.

"Q," I called again, throwing a small stone at him to get his attention. I saw him clench his jaw, but he still ignored me, so I threw another one, saying, "Q." Once again, I was ignored, so I continued to throw the stones at him, repeatedly calling, "Q. Q. Q. Q. Q."

His nostrils were flaring by now, and I sighed heavily, dropping the rest of the stones onto the ground. He obviously wasn't going to listen, so I gave up and began to wander off aimlessly. I decided that it was for the best anyway, because what I wanted to ask him was probably too much for him to answer to. He already hated me, and the last thing he would do is voluntarily tell me about Ice Nation.

The only person who would do that was Nyko, and I soon found myself walking towards the familiar tent that belonged to the healer himself. I wasn't sure if he would even be here – he usually resided in Tondc, but if he was to be in Polis, then he would usually be confined to his tent, where he could have his privacy.

"Nyko?" I called out as I took a step into the large tent. As soon as I walked in, the smell of weird potions filled my nostrils, and I scrunched my nose up, still not growing familiar to the weird contents of the many vials that lined the tent's walls.

"Y/N?" I heard him respond, to my surprise. I found him in the corner by the entrance, and if he didn't speak to make himself known, I probably wouldn't have even noticed him. He furrowed his eyebrows as he approached me. "Are you hurt?"

I smiled, hoping to ease his worry, though I was honoured that he cared enough about me to ask that. Over the past few months, our friendship had grown, and even though he slightly scared me at first (like majority of the grounders), we were now pretty much like brother and sister.

"I'm fine, Nyko," I reassured him. "I just wanted to talk to you about some things."

He nodded and motioned for me to take a seat on one of the make-do beds that I remembered laying on when I acquired those horrid injuries after helping Deka from getting beat. I sat at the edge of the bed, and looked up, seeing Nyko's tall figure looming over me, though the small smile on his lips made him appear less intimidating.

"What is the matter?" he asked, awaiting my response patiently.

I decided how to ask him without making it seem like I was too invested in learning about these horrible Ice Nation grounders. Despite our close friendship, I knew that if I worried him even remotely to the fact that it was concerning, he would tell Lexa, and then all hell would go down.

"It's about Ice Nation," I admitted, causing him to sigh, as if he were sick of hearing about this.

"Y/N, how many times have I told you to stop asking about them?" he questioned rhetorically. "If we don't discuss them, then they aren't a problem, okay?"

"I bumped into Prince Roan," I blurted out, only to scrunch up my nose with discomfort when I realised that I let the cat out the bag a little too quickly.

His mouth was ajar slightly. "You what?"

I breathed in, knowing it was too late to backtrack now. "I bumped into Prince Roan. The prince of Azgeda, right?" He nodded slowly, still astonished with my revelation. "He's a really creepy, dude, but that isn't what I came to talk to you about. I just wanted to know why he was here? Why is Ice Nation even around here?"

He looked down and licked his lips, stroking his beard to ease his nerves. He began to pace up and down slowly, before stopping and looking at me with concern. "You didn't talk to him much, right?"

I scrunched up my eyebrows, shaking my head. "No, but what's that got to do with anything? I just want to know why he's here. Why would Lexa allow them here after everything they've done?" He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off instantly. I nodded dramatically, "Yeah, yeah, I know that they're still part of the coalition and whatnot, but that doesn't make it right that they're here."

He took a seat beside me, and I watched him carefully, checking to see if he was being truthful with me as he spoke next. "There have been many rumours lately about the Commander organising meetings with Azgeda," he admitted. "I don't know if they're true, but I do know that some members of the Ice Nation have been lurking about lately."

I looked ahead, thinking about what he had just said. I furrowed my eyebrows, shaking my head with confusion. "Why would Lexa do that? Why would she be wanting to meet with them? Is there something going on?"

But now that I thought about it, it all made sense. Why Lexa was acting fishy nowadays. She had been involved with Ice Nation, which must've not only been stressful in itself, but also must've brought up old memories and renewed feelings for Costia. No wonder she'd been on edge lately. But why was she trying to contact them? What could she want with them? What could they want from her?

"I'm unsure to your questions, Y/N," he said quietly, before standing up and looking at me with a serious expression, "but I know that you shouldn't be speaking about that now, okay? Stay quiet about Azgeda and don't go talking to any of their members. Stick around Q more, okay?"

"But–"

He raised an eyebrow, sending me a knowing look, resulting in me to slump my shoulders and nod my head lamely.

"Fine, I promise," I answered, though I felt annoyed that I had no idea what was going on lately.

Lexa had been acting weird, probably because of Ice Nation and the meetings. She was always jumpy and on edge. She was practically forcing me to train constantly, whenever she was free to do so. She was quick to react with the fire last night. She wouldn't disclose anything about how she was feeling lately. Ice Nation had been lurking about Polis for a while now, according to Nyko. And I had a feeling that something big was about to happen – possibly already happening.

Something wasn't right.

***

Later that evening, I was expecting Lexa to not show up for dinner. With everything going on, that last place she would be is in the dinner hall, making conversation with other grounders and being seated beside me. So, after practically shovelling my dinner down my throat, I raced towards Lexa's quarters, hoping to find one of the servants there, delivering her dinner.

On the way up, I found one of the servants, holding a tray of food, and a cup of water. She was walking carefully, being sure to not knock anything off the tray. I ended up stopping before her, taking her by surprise as she stopped abruptly, a frown on her lips.

I smiled sheepishly, extending my arms. "Ai'll teik bilaik kom Heda gon yu (I'll take that to the Commander for you)," I offered, hoping I said the right thing in Trigedasleng. I had managed to pick it up here and there, thanks to both Deka and Lexa, so I could only hope that it had benefitted me right now.

"Laik yu sure? (Are you sure?)" she asked, peering up at me nervously. I had never really seen her before, but she didn't seem threatening, so I could only hope that she wouldn't come back and kill me later.

I nodded my head, smiling kindly, hoping it would work. She seemed to accept my gesture, and handed me the tray, a gracious smile on her lips.

As she turned around to leave, she said, "Mochof (Thank you)."

I nodded her way, smiling once more, before releasing a breath of relief. Even though it only seemed like a small task, I was scared to even attempt it. Grounders – no matter what they appeared to be – weren't ones to mess with, and after witnessing and experiencing first-hand what they were capable of, I was being extra careful as to what and how I was manipulating them.

With the tray of food in hand, I finished the rest of the walk to Lexa's room, and took a shaky breath as I approached the two grounders that were guarding her door. Sometimes, I forgot that she was the Commander and needed all of these precautions.

I raised the tray slightly, hoping they would get the point. They glanced at me before one of them turned around and knocked on the heavy wooden door, the sound echoing into the deserted hallway.

"Heda?" he called out, making me jump slightly at how loud his voice was. "Your dina ste hir. Can em enter? (Your food is here. Can she enter?)"

As this was happening, I tried to avoid the cold stare that the other grounder was giving me, and instead focused on the cup of water on my tray, that happened to be trembling slightly from my shaking hands. I took a deep breath, hoping to relax, and it seemed to work. I didn't even know what I was scared of. Probably how this chat with Lexa would turn out, because something was telling me that this wouldn't just turn into a chat.

"Sha (Yes)," Lexa's faint voice responded, causing both guards to separate, leaving me space to walk through.

I smiled awkwardly as I made my way in between them, quickly slipping through the double doors of Lexa's room. Once I was through, I released a small breath, only to see Lexa sitting on her couch with a bunch of materials littered across her desk, falling onto floor and leaving half of her room in a mess.

I refrained from making a sarky response as I wanted this to be a serious talk, and instead coughed slightly to make my presence known. "Um, where should I put your dinner, Lexa?"

At the sound of my voice, she looked up, seeming startled. Obviously not expecting me, she stood up slowly, losing the surprise in her expression and replacing it with annoyance.

"What are you doing here, Y/N?" she asked immediately, sighing to express her irritation at my presence.

I set her tray down on her bed before walking towards her and stopping on the other side of her desk. "I came here to sort out whatever is happening between us both." I paused, hoping she would respond, but she seemed to be unsure what to say, so I continued. "I want everything to be good again, Lex. Like how it used to be."

Before the kiss, I so badly wanted to add, but bit my tongue to stop myself from doing so.

She pursed her lips and glanced down at her messy desk. "It's fine, Y/N. We're fine. I'm fine."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Really, Lexa? You're going to lie right to my face?" She looked up, probably about to defend herself, but I didn't give her the chance to speak. "I can tell that things aren't right with you. And whatever it is happens to be affecting us, too." She stayed quiet this time, and I released a desperate sigh. "I just want to know why you've been how you have, and whether you trust me or not."

She watched me with a soft gaze, her eyes so alluring and inviting that I couldn't tear myself away from them. "I know that the fire wasn't you, Y/N," she said quietly.

Did she really think that this was still about the fire? Because we both knew that this was about so much more. Yet, I played along with her game, wondering where it would lead to.

"I know you know," I said, nodding my head. "But why are you acting like you are? One minute you like me and it's the best feeling in the world, but then other times it's as if you are trying so hard to hate me, and I don't even know if you truly want to or not."

She swallowed visibly as an elongated silence enveloped us, and a blank look was all I could see ahead of me. I so badly wanted to know what was going on in that beautiful mind of hers, but I knew that it was impossible, unless she told me. She truly was the master of hiding her feelings, wasn't she?

I licked my lips, hesitantly saying what I did next. "Do you regret ever finding me that day in the bunker?" I asked her, hoping to elicit some reaction from her, but nothing happened. "Do you regret ever pressing the button that let me out? Does you ever think that your life would've been so much easier if I had just woken up in another fifteen years like planned?"

The more questions I asked her, the more her exterior seemed to close in. Whether that be her crossing her arms, bringing them closer to her chest, or looking down at the desk, purposely avoiding my stare. Her silence was deafening, but also aggravating. I just wanted to know what she was thinking, but it wasn't working.

"Should you have just killed me like everyone wanted you to?" I mumbled quietly, looking down as I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. "Is that it?" 

The silence was still there, and I couldn't bring it in myself to look up and see what she was doing. It's not like I could tell how she was feeling, so what was the point?

"You need to stop thinking like that," she finally spoke, her voice hoarse but firm.

I looked up, clenching my jaw slightly before releasing it, hoping my tension would go away with it. "No, I can't stop it, Lexa. I'm trying so hard to be how you want me to be, but then you're telling me that I'm fine how I am. But how come being a grounder seems like the only positive way that this will end? The only way that I'll be accepted here? The only way that you'll actually like me and not have to hate me?"

I had so many more questions to ask her, but it seemed as if this were enough for now. Though, she still didn't respond. Only watched me with an unreadable expression on her face. I tried to read her eyes, hoping they would reveal even the slightest of emotion that she held, but they showed nothing. Only that she was extremely good at hiding behind her stoic exterior.

"Okay, if you don't want to talk about us, why don't we talk about Ice Nation," I said, changing the subject, causing her to widen her eyes slightly at the mention of them. "They've been around lately. What's up with that?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, uncrossing her arms and resting her hands on the surface of the desk between us.

I rolled my eyes as I walked away, hoping to calm down the burning I felt inside of me. We were getting nowhere with this conversation. "I know that you hid this from me," I told her, turning around, only to feel startled at the fact that she had followed me, and was now only a few inches away from me. "Prince Roan was around today, wasn't he?" I asked rhetorically, crossing my arms over my chest. "Why are you allowing them to walk around freely after everything they've done? Yes, they are apart of your coalition, but that doesn't explain why you're voluntarily inviting them over."

"How do you know about Prince Roan?" she asked, that seemingly being the only thing she picked up on.

I sighed, growing tired of her poor answers. "I bumped into him this morning. He already knew who I was, which was really creepy, but yeah, that's not the point. The point is–"

"Y/N, you shouldn't be talking to them," she pointed out, clenching her jaw with anger. Though, the anger wasn't directed at me. "You shouldn't even look at them."

I rolled my eyes, mumbling, "Yeah, I've heard that twice now..."

"I'm serious," she stated, her expression showing just that.

I knew she was serious, and I wasn't exactly planning on becoming best friends with Ice Nation – they creeped me out and seemed like wretched people – but I wanted to know why Lexa was so badly protecting me from them, so decided to test the waters a little.

"Maybe with a sufficient reason, I would listen," I argued stubbornly, watching her to see how she would react.

Her anger dispersed slowly, and her eyes held a soft, somewhat-loving look in them, which completely took me by surprise. Not only did she actually show me that she was feeling something for me, but that feeling happened to be love.

"I don't want you to get hurt, that's why," she murmured, only to lean in and capture my parted lips in hers.

To say I was shocked to be kissing Lexa for the second time now was an understatement. However, I didn't argue or fight against the tingling feeling that was arising inside of me, and instead, closed my eyes and began to kiss back, enjoying the taste of her lips against mine.

Her hand cupped my jaw as mine got tangled in her long wavy locks, and I found that the urge that I had been craving ever since we kissed the other night had finally been fulfilled. She was kissing me, and I felt all the love and passion and feeling she was putting in it, and for the first time ever, Lexa was expressing herself to me.

Eventually, we pulled away due to lack of oxygen, and I slowly blinked my eyes open, still tangled with the green-eyed beauty before me. I found myself getting lost in the pools of green that were her eyes, and the only thing I could feel right now was the tingling sensation on my swollen lips, otherwise everything else was numb.

This kiss was different to the first one we had shared. This one seemed honest and certain, as if she didn't have to think twice about it – she wanted to do it.

"I don't hate you," she spoke quietly, her warm breath brushing against my lips gently, seeing as we were still so close. "I don't hate you at all, Y/N. And I don't regret finding you. I don't regret pressing the button. And I don't wish I killed you. Never."

The vulnerability that was evident in her emeralds seemed so foreign for me to witness; I didn't even think that Lexa was capable of such feeling, but obviously she was. And judging from the honesty and truthfulness that shone in her eyes, I knew that she meant every word she was saying as she finally responded to the questions from earlier on; the questions that I didn't know I so badly needed an answer to until now.

"I believe you," I spoke finally, surprised at how confident my voice sounded. "I do, Lexa."

She gulped audibly, and nodded her head, before gently pulling her hands away from me, leaving me only at a finger's width from her.

"Promise me that you'll stay away from them," she said, her voice soft and cracking with emotion. "Please."

It was my turn to nod this time, and I never once looked away from her eyes; I needed her to know that I would listen.

"I promise."

//

All I'm gonna say for the next chapter is.. LET THE BEEF BEGIN 😛😂