Chapter 36 - It's a different story

Chapter 36 - It's a different story

TW - non graphic mention of physical abuse and rape, bulimia

Perrie pov

OK, Perrie, you can do it

I lift up my blue skirt, just above the knee, smooth and no frills.

It'll be fine

I slip on my white shirt, button it up leaving only the first two open. I adjust the sleeves and cuffs.

You'll make it

I slip on the jacket that matches the skirt, same blue fabric, same soft but minimal line.

You are strong

I fix my hair by straightening it with a iron and leaving it loose.

All I have is enough to make it work

I cover my dark circles and red circled eyes with a bit of concealer, put on a nude lipstick and give myself just a couple of strokes of blush.

You survived

I slip into black heels, not too high, simple.

I am not alone

I look at myself one last time and put on the earrings my mum had given me on X Factor audition day, the ring Jade had given me for our anniversary, the bracelet Jes had given me for my birthday and the necklace Leigh had given me for Christmas.

I'm ready

I walk into the courtroom, the few people there turn and stare at me with shock painted on their faces, I squeeze Jade's hand until my knuckles are white, she looks at me and gives me an encouraging smile. I stand in front of her and she arranges a lock of hair behind my ear.

"You'll make it" she whispers to me.

I want to kiss her but I know it's not appropriate. I hold myself back. I keep looking into her eyes hoping that this will be enough to stop time and allow me to not have to speak today, not have to see Alex and not have to relive everything for the umpteenth time.

"I'm scared" I whisper, trying to hold back the tears.

"I know. Remember that he can't hurt you anymore. You are stronger than you think" Jade speaks softly but with determination.

I nod. She continues to stroke my hair and I relax into her touch.

The door behind us opens and I turn around.

Lesy, my family, Zayn and Harry walk in. Cheryl and her wife are here. Jareau, Prentiss and Doctors Monroe, Montgomery and Mikaelson are also already seated.

I look at each of them and each of them gives me a warm smile.

I am not alone

"Please, everyone take your seats" someone says.

I look at Jade and see hope in her eyes, she rests her forehead on mine and whispers that she loves me. I squeeze both her hands and then walk away towards Attorney Keating, I sit down.

The judge enters and we all stand in respect, my gaze meets his, he seems to search my eyes for answers, I look for a way out.

"Please bring in the defendants" he orders.

I can do it

I survived

Alex walks confidently, our gazes meet. I feel like I'm seeing him for the first time. Images of every event that happened chase each other in my mind.

The first time I saw him at Zayn's house, his kind look when he offered to make me breakfast, his cruel look when he was on top of me. Every time he forced me to see him on the sly. His face when he came home and hurt me again and his look the next day in the motel room.

I remember every single time he forced himself on me, every slap, every kick, every punch. I remember his rules, his punishments. I remember the first time he agreed to let someone else hurt me and then I remember every time they did it, every lash, every burn, every fracture and every time they broke my body and my soul.

My hands clench the tabletop until my knuckles are white. I use every ounce of myself to hold back the tears.

I remember every time I have felt broken, damaged, used and irreparable. Every time I felt guilty, that I thought I deserved it, that I thought he did it for me, and every time I thought I loved him. I remember every time he broke my heart and my mind.

He smiles as I am about to break down.

I remember every time I felt useless, weak, stupid and unlovable. His words, the screams, the insults are like thunder in my mind.

Lawyer Keating squeezes my hand and looks at me with understanding.

I am not alone

I look at Alex's friends, some of them seem strangers to me, I was probably too stoned or exhausted to remember their faces, others... others I recognise well, I still remember their hands as they held me down or closed my mouth. I remember their weight on my weak and broken body. I remember their voices as they ordered me what to do or as they shouted how good they felt.

Of all of them, I remember the laughter as I cried, screamed in pain and begged them to stop.

Jade is right, you cannot forget. A hundred lifetimes would not be enough to erase memories or feelings. At most they fade, at some point maybe you learn to live with them, but they never go away completely. Some days will be good, some days will be bad. Some days will be better than others. But you cannot forget.

The truth is that everything they took away from you, all the hope, the trust, the wonder are gone forever. You can try to rebuild them, you can find new parts. You can try to move forward and discover strength you didn't know you had, you can try to learn to love and let yourself be loved again, but there is no going back. There is no way to pretend it never happened.

At some point the pain will end, the scars will remain, the memories will remain, and you will be able to start living again, you will be able to see a new future, you will be able to accept that this happened, there is no way to change the past, and maybe, at some point, you will only be able to find a purpose day by day, one step at a time.

You'll be able to go back to seeing the beautiful in people, to trusting those around you again, you'll be able to look for the wonder in the little things or the meaning in love.

I can move on

I can start living again

The judge calls my name, the heart stops or maybe it goes too fast, the blood feels like ice in the veins, the air feels like fire in the lungs and the throat feels like it's invaded by bees.

I am not alone

I breathe deeply as Cheryl taught me, rub my trembling, sweaty hands on my skirt.

They can't hurt me now

I stand up, close my eyes and try to think of Jade, my family and friends, try to find my strength and remember theirs.

I can do it

My body moves towards the bench, slow, uncertain steps hidden under a veneer of determination just a few sighs away from collapsing.

I am strong

I sit in place and clear my throat, a drop of sweat trickles down my back and leaves a shiver of dread. I am ready

"Well, good morning Miss Edwards, let's begin"

You know, when I was little I believed in love, I saw my mother and father as an inspiration, their love was so pure and unselfish. My mother smiled like a little girl, my father was the gentleman every woman would want by her side.

Then things changed, but life is not a fairy tale and there is not always a happy ending. I used to see my parents, first so in love, then so distant, sometimes fighting for days and not even being able to stay in the same room without insulting each other.

I was 14 when they decided to separate, my brothers and I suffered, but it was inevitable, you cannot force yourself to love someone. Sometimes love simply ends and that is what happened to them.

Ironically, the moment they separated and started again, they went back to being friends like before. We lived with my mother but my father was always there and looked after us. Sometimes my parents would meet for coffee and tell each other about their new love stories.

I always wanted a story like theirs, only with a different ending.

When I started high school things were different. I was a quiet, normal girl, I liked music and hated sports. At my school there were these older kids who were real jerks. Especially when the rumour started at school that I liked girls.

I didn't really know if I liked them yet, there had just been a party at someone's house and for the first time I'd had a bit to drink, obviously as it was the first time I'd introduced alcohol into my system, the effects were immediate.

Well, the party ended with me making out hard with another girl from my music class who was openly gay. Honestly, the next day I didn't even remember it, but word travels fast, when I returned to school on Monday my locker was full of hate cards. People looked at me disgusted and the desire to disappear made its way inside me for the first time.

I can't tell you if I really liked that girl, from that moment on I suppressed within me any possible feeling or attraction for another woman.

I started dating as many guys as I could, trying to convince myself and convince everyone else that it was just some drunken bullshit. When I kissed them I felt nothing. Nothing at all.

But that didn't stop me, I tried again and again, until I dated one of the bullies I mentioned earlier. He was a total asshole, but at least he wasn't mean. But, his friends were.

One girl in the group, in particular, began to insinuate herself into me, telling me that I was not good enough for that boy, that I would never hit third base with him because my freckled skin and untoned body were unsightly.

She started teaching me how to put make-up on by showing me how to cover every freckle, and then... she taught me how to stick two fingers down my throat after every meal and force me to vomit.

Soon it became a habit, much easier than it should be, and it didn't take long for the results to show. I started to lose weight, even quickly, I felt weaker and weaker and eventually my parents and siblings noticed it too.

My mother called my father more and more often and tried to talk to me and urge me to tell him why I was doing what I was doing.

I never got an answer, it was just that I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to find someone who really loved me and have my eternal love story with the perfect happy ending.

I know, it may sound stupid now, but I was a little girl who just wanted to be loved and accepted, I always believed in that kind of love.

Eventually my condition became serious enough that I had to be hospitalised for a while. I was in therapy during that time and it helped. I started eating and putting on weight again, I also started doing sports to get in shape and I'll tell you, it wasn't so bad after all.

Above all, what helped me was writing. In hospital I learnt to play the guitar, when my grandfather found out he decided to give me one, on the back he had written a sentence.

"You will always be my sun"

My relationship with him was the sun in my life. Every year he took me on holiday with him, we went to Israel, Jordan, Argentina, the United States, Spain, France and many other countries, among my brothers I was the only one who had this relationship with him.

When I got out of hospital I had insomnia problems, so every night we would sit on the porch and he would ask me to sing for him, I would do it until sleep took over and I could finally fall asleep.

He didn't tell me he was sick, he didn't tell anyone.

One day, I was at my guitar class that my mum had enrolled me in hoping that this would somehow distract me and help me make new friends, and it worked. I got her call right in the middle of the lesson.

She was so upset that she couldn't even tell me what had happened, but you know, I figured it out. I had this feeling that a part of me had just flown away.

I ran back home and my father was there waiting for me, his eyes circled in red and his face still wet from crying. He didn't have to tell me anything either, I already knew.

After the funeral my mum was terrified that I might go back to my old ways, understandable, and decided to sign me up for the X Factor, because my grandfather always said that one day I would become a famous singer and that wherever he was, he would always follow my voice.

So, yes, I was 17 when I had my first audition. Of course I was convinced I wouldn't pass, I didn't feel up to it, I thought when I went back to school everyone would make fun of me again, but I wanted to sing, I wanted to be able to sing, I wanted wherever he was he would follow my voice.

Well, you know the rest of the story. I passed, they put me in one group, then another, then they dropped me, then they called me back and put me in the group with Jade, Jesy and Leigh. They asked us if we could work together.

We said yes even though we had no idea. But we were determined to continue.

For me there was also another reason, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be close to Jade, when I saw her for the first time all the feelings I had long tried to suppress came back, I only had to cross her gaze for a second to see all my walls crumble like papier-mâché.

In spite of everything, we went on and on, episode after episode, we got to know each other more and more and I had never felt so good before, I had never felt so understood and accepted, when there was the eighth live show, just before going on stage, it was there that I realised that what I felt for Jade was not just a crush or physical attraction, I was in love with her.

And I couldn't have ignored it.

Well, spoiler alert, we won the X Factor

We lived the best part of our lives, I felt recognised and accepted, I started building my future with Jade and my best friends. I became stronger and learned to accept hate comments.

When Jade and I started dating, my feelings for her only increased, I thought she was my happy ending, I thought she was the person I was always looking for.

Her every kiss, touch or caress was what motivated me to be better every day, to keep working hard and always give my best.

I was ready to ask her to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then, well, if you are reading this, you know exactly how it went....

"Miss Edwards, who attacked you on the night of May 16?" the judge interrupts my dissociative phase. The only thing that allowed me to recount every detail up to here.

"It was Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain" I answer decisively. I look into his eyes and see his smile falter. I guess he didn't see it coming.

"Objection your honour, Miss Edwards is lying, as we saw two days ago Mr Oxlade was not in the room, instead we saw a stranger enter. This shows that Miss Nelson also lied in her witness statement" Alex's lawyer plays along.

Then it occurs to me

"Mr. Craig, who attended most of the parties, who repeatedly beat and raped me" I pause realising what I just said, "Mr. Craig worked for years a surveillance company, he has the skills to edit videos" I say firmly looking at the other asshole.

The courtroom is completely silent.

"I remember that night vividly. Alex arrived shortly after Jade had left, he tied me up, he forced me to perform oral sex on him, he gagged me and whipped me until I passed out, when I woke up he had me tied to the bed" I look at Alex with tears now flowing freely down my face but I don't intend to stop now, " He repeatedly sexually abused me until I passed out again"

I look into the eyes of every person in the courtroom and most are crying with me, the others barely holding back.

I look at Jade, her eyes are swollen and watery, she waves me on and gives me the strength I need to finish.

"When I woke up Alex had found the jacket Jade had lent me that afternoon because my body was too weak to even dress me. I knew the moment I looked into his eyes that he would not stop. He started to hit me so hard, all while I was bound and gagged and had no way to defend myself or call for help, because Mr Oxlade-Chamberlain is nothing but a coward" I turn back to look at Alex who now looks stunned.

"He hit me so hard I could no longer breathe. Then he put his hands around my throat and started tightening and didn't stop. I remember every detail of that night. He knew he was killing me and he didn't stop. He wanted to kill me and if Jade Thirlwall, Jesy Nelson and Leigh-Anne Pinnock had not arrived that morning, I would be dead. I would have died"

I would have died

"But I'm fucking alive. And you can't hurt me anymore" I turn to Alex.

The silence in the courtroom is fucking heavy and thick, that you could cut it with a knife.

Alex and I keep looking at each other, if he thinks he can break me he is wrong.

I see his gaze change and his eyes fill with anger, hatred and that murderous fury I've come to know.

"You stupid bitch! I couldn't do it the first time but I promise I will kill you! You are nothing without me, Perrie! You are fucking nothing without me! Nobody gives a shit about you! I'm going to find you, Perrie, and I'm going to kill you! You're a dead woman!" he screams with every ounce of wrath but I've stopped bending over and remain emotionless as the guards take him away.

It's a different story this time, I win, he loses.

I won, asshole 

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A/N - Thanks to isimpforperrie , sdedwards25 , jerrie24-7 and Nicolexx94 for your support!!! 🧡

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C