Chapter 55: Home*

Everybody has been incredibly somber due to Emily's death. Spencer hasn't taken it well and I know Morgan is blaming himself. Penelope is distraught and I think maybe in a denial or bargaining phase. Seaver seems numb, but then again I don't know her well. Rossi, Hotch, and JJ seem to be taking it well, as well as can be expected anyway. I'm in full caregiver mode, trying my best to distract myself by making sure the needs of everybody else are met. I know I'm going to burn out soon, but I can't stop myself. I am already planning to make an appointment with my therapist for when we get back home. We all agree to meet at the tarmac at 12 pm the next day. Hotch made it a later departure so everybody had time to rest and grieve a bit before we spent a couple of hours in the air in a confined space all together. When Spencer was still sleeping, I made the rounds and checked in on everybody. I saw most of them downstairs for the breakfast the hotel provided us. It's not like a Best Western hotel with a continental breakfast but the hotel manager brought in breakfast for us after learning what we had been through the night before. Apparently that isn't incredibly common for the team, but it warmed my heart to know complete strangers showed appreciation and acknowledged this difficult time for them. I made a plate to bring back to Spencer so he could eat when he woke up. He's one of the worst about forgetting to eat when he's busy or sick so I have a feeling that when he's particularly grieving the loss of a friend he will forget to eat. I slowly and quietly enter the room. Spencer's still in bed, back facing me. As I make my way around to see if he's sleeping, I see his eyes are open and he's just staring blankly. I give him a half smile and set the breakfast down on one of the night stands. I run my fingers through his hair and his face flashes with a warm happy expression ever so briefly. I tell him "I brought you some breakfast." He shakes his head and says "I'm not hungry." I nod and tell him "we can get you something different later if you would like. We definitely need for you to eat something before the plane ride. Can you do that for me?" He nods. We sit in silence while I scratch his scalp with my fingernails, knowing how much he loves the feeling. He sighs and says "I'm sorry." I furrow my brow at him and ask "what on earth are you sorry for, baby?" He sighs again and says "I've shut you out since last night. I brought you here to protect you and I've just shut you out. Instead of turning to you for comfort, I went to leave the room. When JJ stopped me I lost all the resolve I had to leave the room. I'm sorry." I give him a soft smile and tell him "you have nothing to be sorry for, baby. I'm not upset with you at all. I just want to help you, okay? Let me know what I can do to help and I'll do my best." He gives me a half smile and nods. We sit there in silence for a bit until he tells me "I think I'm ready to eat something now." I smile and nod, reaching over for his breakfast. He sits up against the headboard and eats the breakfast I've brought him. He makes it through the majority of it and I'm more than happy with how much he's eaten. He curls up into my side and I'm happy to know he's not shutting me out as much anymore. He spent so much of his childhood alone with his emotions, he doesn't know how to let anybody else in when he's hurting. It'll be a long and slow process to teach him that he can depend on me when he's hurting like this, but I can be patient. We make our way to the tarmac after we've spent some time disassociating together and we've both eaten. Spencer drives the SUV provided by the FBI and Derek and Penelope ask if they can ride with us. I let Spencer decide and he tells them that's fine. I'm holding his hand as he drives us to the tarmac and he gives me a few tight squeezes, like he's trying to make sure I'm still there with him. The radio plays but none of us listen to it. We sit in silence amongst each other as we continue the drive. Spencer parks the car at the tarmac and Penelope and Derek get out first, Derek wraps his arm around Penelope and she leans her head on him. I can tell it isn't romantic between them, but they still love each other. I ask Spencer as he takes the key out of the ignition and places it in the Sun visor "you good?" He hums "I'm as okay as I can be right now. Thank you for being here for me." I give Spencer an understanding smile "always." We make our way to the jet and climb on board. I look around and we are only missing Rossi, Seaver, and JJ. I read a book while we wait and after Rossi and Seaver get on the plane, Hotch tells the pilot we are ready for takeoff. I look at him confused "where's JJ?" He responds "she had to leave late last night for an assignment." I nod, makes sense. Sucks that she has to work immediately after losing Emily. The flight is quiet and somber, everybody has headphones or a book or they're asleep. I hope everybody can recover from this, because right now I'm not so sure.

•••••

It's been a few days since we got back from Boston now. Spencer is increasingly erratic and angry, seemingly out of the blue. I have a feeling he's having cravings for dilaudid so I try to keep an eye on him and his location when he leaves the apartment. I try to keep an eye on his arms for track marks as well because he is not in the right head space to talk about this yet. He just got back from a case in which the unsub had multiple personalities and I think that might've hit close to home with him from Tobias and from his own family history of schizophrenia. He came in from the case and when I tried to ask how he was doing he lashed out at me. I kind of expected as much at this point, honestly. I let him storm off to the bedroom and then I turned to the kitchen to try to fix him something to eat. As I'm making him some eggs on the stove, he comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my neck. I'm shocked, this is a complete 180 from how he was just behaving not even 10 minutes ago. He apologizes against my skin "I'm sorry, Annie. I didn't mean any of that." I sigh and place one of my hands over his "I know you didn't, baby. It's okay. It's a really hard time right now." He continues kissing my neck and he says against the heated skin "always so understanding." He removes the pan from the eye on the stove and swiftly lifts me up, setting me on the counter top of the island. He's kissing me ferociously and trying to pull my shirt off. I'm trying to stop him "Spence. Spencer, stop!" He continues kissing me but slows his hands and asks "stop why?" I sigh and push him off of me a bit forcefully "because you are not in the right state of mind right now for this. You came in here screaming at me over God knows what and now you want to have sex? How is that a good idea, Spence?" He sighs and turns around, slamming his hand down on the opposite counter, making me jump. He looks at me, seething, and says "I just want to feel something different! I want to feel something besides this grief and sadness that's consuming me! I know you're checking my arms for track marks. I know you're fucking scared of me! Instead of calling up a dealer and getting dilaudid, I wanted to try sex first to see if that helped!" I take a deep breath and tell him "Spencer, you do not have to turn to dilaudid right now. I know it's tempting, but please don't. If not for you, then for me. Please." Spencer sighs and says "my fiancée, who won't even let me touch her right now, wants me to do something for her? Really?" I grit my teeth before saying "just because I won't fuck you right this second that means that you won't do something for me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? I let you use my body like your own personal playground on a regular basis and you are pissed that I won't fuck you this one time? Really, Spence? I get that you need somebody or something to be mad at, but it's not me." Spencer looks down and sighs, staring in silence for a beat. He says in a small voice "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair of me." I tell him softly but sternly "look at me." He does as I ask. I tell him "I love you with everything in me. It hurts me to see you like this and I know you're lashing out because you don't know how to process all of this. Let me in instead of shutting me out. Please." Spencer sighs and says "I'm working on it." I nod "that's a step in the right direction. You've been lashing out at me a lot and I need you to please work on that, okay?" He nods "I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of this." I give him a tight lipped smile and nod "we can get through this together. This is only the beginning of the rest of our lives together and I'm sure we are going to suffer through many more losses together." Spencer nods. He walks back over to me, standing between my legs, and holds me tight. After a couple of minutes of silence I tell him "just because I won't let you fuck me right now doesn't mean you can't do it yourself. Try that first and see if that helps." I giggle and he pulls back giving me a smirk. He sighs and tells me "fine." He leaves the room and I get back to cooking up some breakfast for dinner and I giggle to myself knowing I've just won that battle.

•••••

A couple of weeks go by and I still haven't let Spencer touch me. He's still erratic and lashing out, not as much or as bad, but it's still happening. Maybe I'm being overly cautious, but I just don't want to use sex like a bandaid for a bullet wound when we are both grieving the loss of our friend. We've been going to JJ's while she's home and not working, she's helped Spencer a lot through this process I think. She always knows what to do and say to both of us, not just Spencer. She's been a great shoulder to cry on during this experience. We are at JJ's now and Spencer is on the floor playing with Henry, completely immersed in their activity. JJ asks me "how are things at home with all of this? I know Spence's..uh..moodiness can be difficult sometimes." I offer a humorless laugh and nod "um it's okay, slowly getting better." She eyes me suspiciously "want to talk about it?" I watch Spencer playing on the ground with Henry and wish he could smile at me like that right now. He hasn't smiled like that at home in a while. I tell her "I just miss him. He's so wrapped up in his grief that he's a different person. I still love him whole heartedly but I'm at a loss here, I don't know what to do." JJ nods "what are you two fighting about the most?" I sigh and tell her "this may be too much information but Spencer has really been wanting to have sex and I'm afraid that would just be taking advantage of his vulnerability." JJ shrugs and pauses, choosing her words carefully. She says "I know Spencer turned to sex after Lila and it actually really helped him. However, in that situation he didn't turn to his fiancée, he turned to a friend with benefits. There were no feelings involved. It's kind of hard to input that here without possibly hurting you. Don't feel bad for taking care of yourself if you're not ready. He was inexperienced for a long time and can last a while without it I'm pretty sure." I nod in response. I tell her "it's not me I'm worried about, it's Spencer." JJ gives me a serious but well meaning look "I know and that's the problem. Yes take care of Spencer, but also take care of yourself." I nod, knowing she's right. We stayed for dinner, I think the food and fellowship helps Spencer. It's like comfort for his soul. Spencer offers to take Henry and put him down for bed and I adoringly watch as he carries the small toddler with care to bed. JJ looks at me and says "he loves you so much. I don't want you to think that he doesn't love you when he's lashing out. He just...doesn't know how to process stuff like this." I nod in response. I tell her "I love him so much. I wish I could figure out how to bring my happy Spencer back, but I'm afraid it's just going to take time." JJ nods. She then tells me "this is going to be an adjustment for both of you, take all the time you need. You don't have to take care of everybody. You're doing what you can for Spencer, just give him some time and maybe some space." I nod. I've been trying to do that, but maybe I just haven't been patient enough. Maybe Spencer needs space where I need companionship.

•••••

Spencer and I make our way into the apartment after leaving JJ's. I take a deep breath and ask him "did you have fun with Henry tonight?" Spencer nods and gives a half smile "yeah I had a great time." I smile and nod. Spencer sits at the island while I put a kettle on the stove to brew some tea. I say "JJ told me tonight that you um..you used sex to cope with the breakup when you broke up with Lila." Spencer nods and looks down. He says "uh yeah, I did. That's kinda how I got into the more dominating role." I nod. He continues "before the big breakup, I would spend our little hiatuses with Elle and she would take control. When Lila and I finally decided it wasn't going to work, I kinda felt the more controlling part of me emerging and Elle let me have some freedom with that. It really did help." I nod and tell him "look, I don't want to take advantage of you. If you really want to have sex and see if that helps then we can try it." Spencer eyes me suspiciously before asking "how vanilla are we talking?" I didn't expect this question. I search for the right words and eventually land on "I guess we can just go with the flow and see where it takes us?" Spencer looks at me and asks "are you sure? If you aren't comfortable with this then we don't have to do anything. I know I've been pushy and hateful, I don't want you to do this just because you think it will somehow help me." I give him a half smile and squeeze his hand "I hope it will somehow help both of us, Spence. We haven't done anything since our trip." Spencer nods. The tea kettle whistles and I turn back around to fix us both some chamomile tea. We've found that tea has been helping us both calm down before bed since Emily's death. I ask Spencer as we let our tea steep "will you be mad at me if I can't handle something in there tonight?" Spencer looks confused and responds "what? Of course not, baby. I'm sorry I've said such mean things about that, you didn't deserve that." I sigh and shake my head "no, Spence, I should've been more open to the idea. I was just afraid you would regret it in your vulnerability." Spencer gives me a half smile and says "and this is why I love you. You care so much for my well-being. Mental, emotional, physical, all of it. And all I've done since she died is wallowed in self pity and taken every negative emotion out on you when I would come home. I'm so sorry." I take a deep breath and say "I'm not going to say it's okay because it's not. I know you're going through a lot right now, so that's why I've been more understanding. Instead of lashing out at me you need to work on talking to me. You've been doing better at that, but I don't know how much more I can take of your anger and grief being directed at me." Spencer sighs and nods "I know. I'm so sorry. I'm going to keep trying to do better." I walk around the island and wrap one arm around his neck and I thread the fingers of the other through his loose curls. I give him a soft smile and tell him gently "I know you will, baby. I can see how hard you're trying. I think you just don't know how to respond when somebody tries to help you through things like this because little Spencer didn't have anybody to lean on when things happened. You aren't alone anymore, you're stuck with me." Spencer chuckles and says "now who is the profiler, hmm?" I giggle and look down "you have kinda rubbed off on me." Spencer gently takes his right hand up to my left cheek, gently caressing it with his thumb. He makes eye contact with me before looking to my lips and then back to my eyes again. I lean forward and so does he, meeting me in the middle to have our first real kiss in weeks. Spencer tightens his hold on my waist with his left arm while my hands find themselves roaming his chest and his curls. It's the first passionate kiss that we've shared in so long, I've almost forgotten the sparks that we share. I hope these sparks never stop when he kisses me, not even when we are old and gray. I pull back, catching my breath and ask Spencer "why don't we start slow? On the couch? Like we did before we ever had sex?" Spencer gives me a warm smile and nods, gently pushing some air behind my ear. He tells me softly "that sounds like a good plan, princess." I bite my lip and nod, both of us walking over to the couch. Spencer sits down on the couch and holds out his hand to me. He gently takes my hand and gingerly pulls me in to straddle his lap. I giggle softly and he smiles warmly at me. I take his face in my hands, gently stroking his cheeks with my thumbs. I look into his eyes and smile softly "I've missed this smile. I've missed it so much." Spencer's eyes soften and he sighs before saying "I've missed it, too. I've missed you." I don't waste any more time and I connect my lips with his. He kisses me back with passion, both of us having missed the physical touch of the other so much after the last two or three weeks. It doesn't take long before the kiss becomes heated and I start grinding myself against his growing bulge. Spencer sucks in air before letting out a sharp "fuck." I moan into the kiss and before I know it he's grabbing me and carrying me back to our bedroom. I'm giggling the whole way while he tries to continue the kiss. Spencer gently lays me down on the bed, he starts pulling down my leggings I had been wearing. I start feeling shy and self conscious, it's the first time in weeks since we've done anything sexual and I think old feelings of insecurity are starting to creep back in to my subconscious. I push those feelings away and focus on Spencer who is now pulling my underwear down my legs. He reaches up and hastily removes my shirt and bra, leaving sloppy kisses on my neck and chest. I'm feeling very self conscious and I ask Spencer "h-hey, Spence?" He pulls back and searches my eyes "yeah, baby, what is it?" I avert my gaze and tell him "I'm feeling kinda vulnerable. Could..could you..?" Spencer looks down at his fully clothed body and then back to my eyes, realizing what I'm trying to say. He gives me a soft smile and then a gentle kiss, nodding as he starts to remove his clothes. He's left in nothing, and I'm happy to see there are still no track marks on either arm. I look at him and I say "you know we always start with me. Why don't we start with you for a change?" Spencer shakes his head "ladies first." I decide to not argue it anymore and let him slowly trail his kisses down my body. He latches his mouth onto my right nipple, rolling the left nipple between his right thumb and pointer finger. He takes his time before switching sides, continuing the same torture. I'm starting to feel anxiety bloom within me, anxiety or panic, I'm not sure which. I push it back and try to allow myself to enjoy the sensations of Spencer's mouth and hands. He kisses down my stomach until he reaches where I want him most. He starts by leaving little kitten licks on my clit, making me jump and moan. Spencer chuckles, his eyes flicking up to me before he refocuses back to the task at hand. Well, task at mouth, rather. I can't seem to fully push away the dread blooming in my mind and body. Again, I try to push past it and enjoy the moment, but I just can't. I try to move away from Spencer, but, because he thinks I'm just reacting to the sensitivity, he just holds me down tighter and continues sucking the soul out of my body through my clit. I try to find my voice, but I can't. I start to panic and I feel tears spring to my eyes. After what feels like an eternity, I finally find my voice and start to scream "Red! Red! Red!" Spencer immediately pulls away and climbs up my body to investigate. He pulls me into his lap and asks me "Annie, what's wrong? What happened, baby?" I'm sobbing and shaking, holding my arms tight, I can't speak. Spencer grabs the throw blanket at the end of the bed, wrapping my body up in it. Spencer gently tells me "Annie, I need you to tell me five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste." I nod, and say shakily "I can see the ceiling fan, the lamp, the chair, the picture on the wall, and you." He gives me a soft smile and nods "good, baby. Now four things you can touch?" I nod, "I can touch the throw blanket, the sheets, the pillow, and you." He gives me another encouraging nod and says "you're doing so well, what are three things you can hear?" I take a deep breath and say "your heart beat, the fan, the dryer." Spencer nods "good job, what are two things you can smell?" I respond "the laundry detergent and your cologne." Spencer chuckles and nods "one thing you can taste?" I sigh and tell him "um the after taste of chamomile tea, I guess?" Spencer gives me a soft smile, gently pushing my hair out of my face. He asks me "do you feel better?" I nod, holding on tight to him and laying my head on his chest. He looks at me and says "I want you to breathe with me for a second okay?" I nod, and I follow his slow breathing pattern, helping me calm myself down more. After he's satisfied that my breathing has leveled enough, he asks me "now, do you want to talk about it?" I tell him "I don't know what happened. I-I was having a good time un-until I just started to feel this panic and dread brew inside me. I tried to fight it but eventually I just couldn't. I'm so sorry, Spencer." Spencer shushes me and holds me closer. He tells me gently "baby, I'm not mad or even the tiniest bit upset with you. I just hate that I didn't see the signs sooner. I guess I was so wrapped up in you that I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry." I shake my head "you didn't know. I didn't know. Just...thank you for stopping. And for not being mad at me." Spencer shushes me and says "I could never be mad at you about something like this. I know I've said some mean things lately, but I didn't mean them. Even if we never have sex for the rest of our lives I will still love you just as much if not more every single day." He punctuates his statement with a kiss to my head and smiles softly at me. I ask him quietly with a joking grin on my face "what if you don't even see me naked ever again?" Spencer chuckles and says "I'm sure I can manage that, too." I ask him "is it..okay..if we stop here?" Spencer gives me an understanding nod and smile, "of course, angel. You want to take a bath? I know we didn't really do anything, but it might be nice anyway." I give him a shy smile and nod "that sounds nice, but only if you join me." Spencer chuckles and nods "deal." Once we get set up in the bath and I lean against Spencer, it's then I realize that I am not okay, not okay at all. I've been fighting my real feelings and my own grief this entire time, hiding behind the role of caregiver to the team and especially to Spencer. It's apparent now to me what I need to do, where I need to go.

•••••

The next morning Spencer is called in for a case before I have to go to work. He hurries to get ready and gives me a kiss before rushing out the door. Last night was a turning point for us, but not what I think either of us expected it would be. We reestablished some forms of physical intimacy in our relationship, and that helped Spencer, but it caused me to spiral a bit. Spencer is finally doing better, this morning is the first morning in which he isn't completely just moping about the apartment and lashing out at minor inconveniences. I decided to go in late to work and go in to see my therapist to talk out everything that happened the night before. He was more than willing to see me on short notice this morning, given my history and what's been going on recently. When he leads me into the room I know so well, I take my usual place sitting on the couch. He sits in his chair across from me and asks "so what's been going on?" I take a deep breath and try to decide where to start. I tell him "well you know from our last session that one of Spencer's best friends died." He nods "I remember you said you and your fiancé had been fighting more since then. Has that gotten better?" I laugh humorlessly and say "well, yes and no. Spencer is doing better, but as he's getting better I seem to be doing worse." My therapist begins writing on his notepad - what do they write the whole time anyway? I continue "Spencer has been wanting to try having sex since we got back to see if that might help. I think he said he just wants to feel something different than grief. One of our mutual friends said that he used sex with a friend to cope with the breakup of his first serious relationship, so I think that's where all of this is coming from." My therapist nods and asks "and how did you feel about having sex?" I shrug and tell him "I mean I felt fine, I was more worried about Spencer because he was so vulnerable." My therapist looks at me and says "what about you?" I furrow my eyebrow and ask "what about me what?" He asks me "were you vulnerable? Did you feel vulnerable?" I look down and say "I don't know, I guess? I was more worried about him." My therapist hums and starts writing again. I decide to continue recounting the events of the night before. "I had talked to our mutual friend and she said sex might help, but it was up to me whether or not I was ready. I thought I was ready. Anyway, we get home and talk things out. Things are going okay in our conversation and we..um..we slowly begin to kiss and that goes well. So we slowly take it step by step. Kissing goes well, the touching goes well, everything goes well until I actually have to take my clothes off. I haven't had such insecurities about being naked in front of him since maybe our second or third time having sex? I mean, I washed his junk for him in the shower a few weeks ago because he was so distraught." My therapist nods and asks "so you felt fine, things were going well, until he started to remove your clothes?" I nod, my therapist knows I have difficulty talking about some of this stuff so he lets me take my time. We always get there in the end. I look down and continue "I told him I felt vulnerable and he took the hint and removed his clothes, too. I thought that fixed it. It helped briefly, but the panic just kept brewing. I kept pushing it away until I couldn't." My therapist nods and asks "how did Spencer handle that? The fact that you couldn't continue?" I tell him "oh, he handled it beautifully. He could tell I was having a panic attack and helped me ground myself and made sure I was breathing deeply and calming down. I told him I didn't want to continue and he was more than understanding but I felt so bad. I felt like I broke a promise to him." My therapist looks at me and asks "did you ever think that you spend all of your time taking care of others because you feel like you aren't worth anything to others unless you're helping them in some way?" I'm dumbfounded at the question, speechless really. My therapist excels at patience and waits for a response. I eventually tell him "no...I never thought that before." My therapist tells me gently "even if that is how you feel, subconsciously or otherwise, that's not true. You are allowed to take time for yourself. You are allowed to grieve in a way that benefits you while also not hurting others." I nod, understanding what he was saying. He then asks me "what have you done to grieve?" I respond saying "well I've been making sure Spencer is eating and that the chores are done around the apartment for both of us. I check in with his teammates to see how cases are going. Stuff like that." My therapist shakes his head "I didn't ask how Spencer was grieving, I asked how you were grieving. What have you done to allow yourself to grieve? How have you taken care of yourself." I gulp, realizing all I've done to take care of myself is take care of Spencer. I look down and say "I've taken care of Spencer. It feels wrong to selfishly grieve when he knew her so much better than I did and was so much closer to her than I was." My therapist shakes his head "that doesn't matter in the slightest. She was your friend, yes?" I nod "she was one of my bridesmaids." He gives me a sad smile and nods "there's no such thing as earning grief or selfishly grieving. She was your friend and you've lost her, you need to grieve in a healthy way. From the way you talked about Spencer, it sounded like he was coming out of the woods with his grief a bit?" I nod, "he's doing a lot better, especially this morning." My therapist nods and says "Spencer is okay, Spencer has a great support system here. Besides his support system, who is your support system?" I look down and say sadly "my parents. Especially my mom." My therapist nods and says "my professional advice is this: take a few days, maybe even a week, and go visit them. Grieve. Leave Spencer here with his support system so you can grieve with yours. Make sure he knows where you are, though. From what you've told me it sounds like he will send the entirety of the FBI to track you down if he believes you are in danger." I laugh and nod "yes, that sounds like him." My therapist nods "my professional recommendation is to get your ducks in a row here, go visit your family at home, but let Spencer know." I nod "he will probably try to talk me out of it or go with me. I'll probably just let the team know or somebody so they can tell him without him being able to talk me out of it." My therapist nods "if that's what you think you have to do for your mental health then do it. He will forgive you in the end I'm sure. Do what you have to do for you." I nod, knowing what steps I need to take when I leave this office.

•••••

I've worked out taking a week off with my boss and on my way out of the hospital I call JJ. She answers on the third ring "hey what's up, Annie? I have a cranky toddler fighting nap time." I tell her "oh, I'll come help. Can we talk after?" I hear skepticism in her voice but she relents in the end "sure, yeah. I'll see you in a minute." JJ and I successfully get Henry down for a nap and then I follow her to the living room to discuss some things. She eyes me suspiciously and asks "what did you want to talk about?" I take a deep breath and tell her "I'm going to make a trip home to Tennessee. Without Spencer." JJ seems somewhat shocked but says "okay, and what would you like me to do?" I sigh and tell her "well for one I'm leaving as soon as I get packed and I'm driving home. I think it will clear my head, it's about 12 hours. For two, I'm not telling Spencer I'm going home until he gets back. I'm hoping he will spend most of the case away anyway and won't even realize I'm gone for most of the week. For three, I need you to inform the rest of the team somewhat discretely so that they can help him while I'm not in the area if he needs somebody." JJ nods "I mean he's going to be mad." I tell her "well he will have a whole flight or 12 hour drive to cool down. I have just been his support system this entire time and now that he's finally doing better, I need my own." She asks me "what about Ryder?" I tell her "he will ride with me. He's a good car rider and we have safe spots to stop at for him and I have family that lives along the way if nothing else. We will be okay." She nods "you promise you're going to be safe? And this isn't some roundabout way for you to leave Spencer before the wedding?" I give her a half smile and tell her "I love Spencer more than anything. I just need time to grieve with my support system and not feel guilty because, in my head, my support system has earned the right to grieve more than I have. I need my mom, JJ." JJ nods "I get that. Okay, I'll help. But when he finds out and he wants to go straight to Tennessee, because he will, I'm not stopping him." I nod "I expect nothing less from all of you. I just need a few days alone at home to clear my head before I try to do anything else. I need to go home."