Chapter 54: My Friend, Too

Spencer slowly begins to go back to normal after many reassurances from me that I'm fine. After our shower, we get ready for bed and eventually snuggle up under the covers, ready to finally rest after a long week of fun in New York City. I'm laying against Spencer's side, my legs wrapped up with his, holding his waist tight with my left arm. Our breathing nearly syncs as we fall asleep to the quiet murmur of the tv on in the background and the fan blowing in the corner. Very early in the morning, an ungodly hour, Spencer's phone is ringing. He grabs it from the night stand and answers it "Reid." I hear a deep voice on the other end and just know it's Hotch. Spencer groans and says "yeah, I'll be right there," then hangs up the phone. He tries to gently move my hand and slip out of the bed, but I hold onto him tightly so he can't move. He chuckles and tells me "Annie, I gotta go, that was Hotch." I groan in response, I had hoped I was wrong even though I knew I was right. I ask him "where are you going this time?" He hums and says "that's the good news, it's a local case." I yawn and quietly cheer "yay!" with my eyes closed. I then ask Spencer "what time is it?" He chuckles "about 10:30 in the morning." My eyes shoot open, surprised, fully having expected it to be like 3 am after we just got back and settled in from our trip. Spencer chuckles and walks over to the curtains, opening them to reveal the late morning light. I hiss and immerse myself under the covers. I tell Spencer "I swear to God, Spence, if you don't close those curtains I will kick you in the balls again and this time they won't come back down." Spencer chuckles and follows my orders "yes, ma'am. Hey, make a deal with me?" I hum. He asks "will you be nicer when I come home later?" I huff, still under the covers and tell him "if you let me go back to sleep then maybe I will." Spencer laughs and says "good enough for me, go back to sleep, grumpy." I fall back asleep to the sound of him rummaging around the room for his essentials. The last thing I remember before falling back asleep is a quick "I love you" and a kiss on the forehead from Spencer.

•••••

I wake up a few hours later, a little after 1 pm. I had slept nearly 14 hours and I was in shock. The trip must have worn me out and I'm sure it did Spencer, too. Hopefully this case will be easy to wrap up and we can both be home together tonight and enjoy dinner together alone. Because the pet lodge charges extra on Sunday's for pick ups, we have decided to just take the extra day to rest and get reacquainted for the week. So, if we don't get our dinner alone without Ryder tonight, there's no telling when we won't have a dog begging for our attention again in our apartment. Don't get me wrong, I love Ryder, but sometimes I feel guilty picking between the two of them and it's easiest when the choice is made for me. I spend the day unpacking all of our stuff and honestly just lazing around the apartment. All the chores had been up to date before we left so no sense in cleaning things that are already clean. I curl up in my fluffy pajamas and catch up on the "Grey's Anatomy" episodes I had missed these last few weeks in all the excitement we've had. I keep an eye on my phone all day, hearing nothing from Spencer. I track his location to see if he's out in the field, but find that he's still at the BAU headquarters and has been all day. That does make me feel a little better, honestly. He's probably just busy. Around 8 pm I still haven't heard from him and decide to make my own dinner, a frozen pizza in the oven. When Spencer gets home, what's left will be an easy reheat if he's hungry. I pour myself a glass of wine with the pizza and fall asleep to the news on the tv around 9:30 pm. At least the FBI hadn't been on the news like it has in the past when there were local cases Spencer worked on with the team. I wake to the slight movement of my blanket and the soft lips kissing the top of my head. I stir and look up to see Spencer smiling softly at me. I smile warmly in response, happy to have my fiancé home with me. I tell him "hey, you're home! There's leftover pizza if you're hungry." Spencer smiles and tells me "you always think of my needs before I even know I need them. I love you so much." I smile and look at him a bit skeptically, that was a little sappy, even for him. I decide not to press it because I'm too tired and I am a little afraid of what he will say. He leaves my side and I hear the beeping of the microwave. He returns with a plate of warmed pizza and sits on the couch, lifting my legs and placing them in his lap so he can be close to me. I ask him "what happened with the case? You said it was local but I haven't seen anything on the news except for weather alerts about the storm coming." Spencer hums "yeah that was one of the weirdest parts. It was two families that had died and both houses burned down within a few miles of each other. Very out of character for this area. We have a few leads, but no answers. I have to go back in early in the morning to continue working on it." I nod and think to myself that we will have to get Ryder tomorrow afternoon after work then because we both have to work early and I don't want to pick him up just to leave him at home all day. I nod at Spencer and ask him "did everybody tease you about our trip?" Spencer shakes his head "no, not really. They were actually endearing and asked a lot of questions. Don't worry, I left our kinkiness out of it." I giggle and tell him "Spencer, I don't care anymore. If you want to tell them you throw me around like a rag doll I don't care anymore. I know Morgan treats you like you don't know anything about sex." Spencer's jaw clenches a bit and he says after a beat of silence "he says since you were a virgin before we ever dated, that you probably wouldn't know it was bad and would stay because it was better than nothing." Honestly that pisses me off. I look at him, fuming, and ask "when did he say that?" Spencer shrugs "one of the last times we were talking about our weekends before our trip. He always does that." I decide right then and there I'm going to let Derek Morgan have it next time I see him. Spencer looks at me, reading my mind, "Annie, don't say anything. It doesn't bother me anymore. He's treated me like a virgin since day 1. Well, on our day 1 I was a virgin, but I've come a long way since then." I look at Spencer and tell him "I make no promises." Spencer sighs and rolls his eyes "please don't make it worse." I give Spencer a half smile and tell him "next time I get Derek alone we are going to have a little talk and he will stop making virgin jokes at you or I will hurt him. We've been training together for a couple months now. He knows what I can do." Spencer chuckles and says "just don't kill him before our wedding." I nod "okay, deal."

•••••

Spencer leaves me the same way the next morning, with a kiss on the forehead and an "I love you." I spend my day jumping back into work. Alison has had to miss more work as well recently because her pregnancy has exhausted her and often makes her sick. I'm happy to help out, but I'm starting to get exhausted, too. Towards the afternoon, I get a call from Spencer. He tells me on the phone "Annie, I need you to listen to me. An agent is going to pick you up from the hospital. Do you still have an emergency go bag in your car?" I nod to myself, scared, before jumping to say "uh yeah, Spence, I do. What's going on? You're scaring me." Spencer sighs and says "Anderson will be there any minute, wait in your office for him and he will drive you to the BAU. I've arranged for Ryder to stay longer at the kennel. You're not safe and I need to get you here to know you are safe. It's probably nothing, but I want you safe here just in case." I nod to myself. I ask Spencer "what do I tell my boss?" Spencer tells me "Hotch is handling that with the director of the hospital right now. You're going to be fine. Just wait for Anderson, ask to see his credentials before leaving with him. He's about 6 foot, white, with brown hair." I nod, and tell Spencer "okay, I love you." I can almost hear him smile as he says "I love you, too, I'll see you soon." I walk down the hallway of the hospital, very freaked out and skeptical of every person. When I get to my office, I sit there at my desk, watching the door, preparing myself for the agent or even for whatever Spencer is so scared of that he's calling me to the BAU in the evening with a go bag. There's a knock on the door and I say shakily "come in." A man in a suit comes in, flashing his credentials. He says "Miss Winters, I'm Agent Anderson, Agent Hotchner and Dr. Reid sent me to safely transport you back to the BAU headquarters." I nod, getting up and inspecting his credentials, as far as I can tell they seem legitimate. I ask him "what's this about?" Anderson tells me "I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's classified." I nod, I had expected as much. We leave the hospital, making a pit stop at my car for my emergency go bag. Spencer had worried aloud to me previously that he was scared one day I would be a target and he wouldn't be able to protect me. We devised a sort of preparedness plan for nearly anything. Our basic plan was that I would have a go bag ready with everything I would need for a few days and, unless we were supposed to go somewhere specific, I would get to the BAU as fast as possible. That place is a fortress and we would be protected there. If Ryder had been home, though, I would 1000% be sending Anderson to my apartment to get him or I would not be complying with our plan, damn whatever the consequences would be. I sit up front with Anderson in silence, my mind racing, concerned for what's happening with the team. Spencer wouldn't call me in like this unless he was genuinely concerned for my safety. Anderson tells me once we are halfway there "I can see how nervous you are. I don't know much about what's happening, but we are doing everything we can to protect you. After Agent Hotchner lost Haley we don't take any chances now with family of the team." I nod, Spencer has told me how guilty Aaron still feels over the death of Haley. I know they are doing everything to protect me, to protect us all. He thought that he could protect Haley and Jack by creating distance, but that didn't work. Aaron would never repeat the same mistake, especially with family members of the team. The team is my family now, that's why it works. Well...except for Seaver. We pull into the FBI headquarters, Anderson making it through all of the security check points and into the parking garage where the team parks. We quickly make our way to the sixth floor, watching our backs the whole time. As soon as we make our way through the glass doors of the BAU and I see Spencer, I drop my bag and run over to him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He reciprocates it and I can feel him holding me tight, inhaling the scent of my hair and my perfume as if he would've never been able to experience them again. We pull back and I ask him "Spence, what the fuck is happening? Why all the secrecy?" I can see in his eyes how scared and concerned he is. He says with a bit of a choked voice "Emily's gone." I blurt out "Emily's dead?!" Spencer shakes his head rapidly "no, no. She's gone to Boston to chase down an old unsub she targeted as an undercover spy. He's been targeting families and we are the closest thing Emily has to a family. We are all in danger, so we've pulled all family in, the children are staying here, too." I furrow my eyebrows in confusion "children? Isn't it just Jack?" He shakes his head and before he can respond, I hear a familiar voice say "hey, Annie." I turn to see JJ, for the first time in almost months since they'd transferred her to the job at the pentagon. I breathe a sigh of relief and embrace her in a tight hug. She says with a small laugh "it's good to see you, too." I pull back and ask her "what are you doing here?" She gives me a serious look, but still with a half smile, and says "I'm helping the team find Emily. Spence, I'm sorry to have to wrap this up, but we have to get to work. Annie, you're welcome to join us for now. We are all staying in the BAU tonight to be safe. Hopefully tomorrow we can be back in our own homes." I nod, following everybody, still wearing scrubs and carrying my go bag. We walk into the round table room and I'm immediately embraced in a hug from Penelope. She tells me worriedly "oh my sweet angel baby, I'm so glad you're safe. Sit sit, watch us work our magic!" I give her a half smile and nod. I briefly say hi to both Rossi and Derek from across the room, I'm pissed at Derek still but that can wait until a later date. I make eye contact with Seaver and nod in her direction. She's scared, too, so I can't bring myself to be bitchy to her right now. I make eye contact with Aaron whose lips quirk up into a smile for a nanosecond before he says "all right, let's get to work."

•••••

I sit and listen as the team works, observing, gathering what information I can regarding Emily or "Lauren Reynolds" and the history she has with Ian Doyle. Once they've worked as much as they can in a night, Hotch dismisses everybody to rest until the morning. Usually, I would've tried to help with the kids, but I was exhausted from work and from all this craziness in addition to being scared shitless myself. I probably would've just scared the kids more than helped them. Jack has his aunt Jessica and Henry has Will, so they're both okay without me for right now. Spencer grabs my bag for me and my hand with his other hand. We start walking out of the round table room, leaving Rossi, Morgan, and Seaver to clean up the round table room because they don't have any family in the area to pull into the BAU. We walk together and end up in an empty office that's on the same floor. There's a queen size air mattress and a couch in the room for us to sleep on, some pillows, sheets, and blankets lay stacked up on the couch ready for us to set up the room how we please. I walk away from Spencer and sit on the couch. Spencer sighs and walks to sit next to me, pulling me into his embrace. I sniffle a little, trying my hardest to be strong and not lose my sanity over this in front of everybody. Spencer shushes me quietly and tells me "it's okay to cry. You've been so strong all night, but you don't have to be right now. Not here, not with me." I nod, effectively losing it and crying in fear into Spencer's shirt. After a minute or two I tell him "I couldn't do what you do. I couldn't do this every day." Spencer chuckles first then sighs and says "well, usually, it's not one of our own involved. That makes this so much harder." I nod, I pull him into me and tell him softly in his ear "you don't have to be strong for me, either. Not in here. I've got you. We can lean on each other for support even if our walls come down." Spencer nods. I only feel a couple of tears slip from his eyes and onto my shoulder silently. He pulls away and asks "I know you're exhausted, I am, too. Should we get ready for bed? There's a bathroom down the hall you can freshen up in before bed if you would like. I can get the air mattress ready while you do that." I nod, grabbing my toiletries from the bag and walk down the hall to the public restroom. When I walk in I hear crying. I look around and see Seaver sitting on the floor in the corner, arms wrapped around her legs, crying. In an instant my heart breaks for her. She's just a kid and she's never experienced anything like this. She may be a bully, but that doesn't mean any of this is easy for her, especially since she doesn't have any family here to console her. She looks up and notices me. She sneers at me, her walls fortified with hostility, or so she thinks. I walk over to her, sitting on the ground next to her and wrap an arm around her. I tell her softly "it's gonna be okay. Let it out." It takes nothing for her to crumble into my arms and cry. We sit there for a while, I don't know how long, before she pulls away from me. I tell her "I know you hate me, but that doesn't mean you have to do this alone. I know it can kind of be a boys' club here sometimes, but they have emotions, too. It's okay to not be guarded around them all the time. They understand." She nods and quickly stands, wiping her hands on her pants. She tells me as she walks out of the bathroom "if you tell anybody about this I will deny it." I nod and tell her "I didn't expect anything less." She walks out of the bathroom and I sigh, standing up to wash my hands and to get ready for bed. I walk into our room, Spencer is already in a t shirt with a comic about Schrödinger's cat and pajama pants, sitting on the couch. He gives me a soft smile when I walk in and he says "hey, there you are. I was about to go check on you, but I figured you were safe and just needed space." I nod and tell him "well, actually, Seaver was in there upset so I comforted her a bit." Spencer looks completely shocked. He says "you comforted Seaver?" I nod "she was scared and crying so I held her and told her it would be okay. She said if I told anybody she would deny it." Spencer nods "sounds about right. I'm going to go get ready for bed. Be right back." I nod, getting ready to get comfortable on the air mattress. I watch Tik toks on my phone while I wait for Spencer to come back. It's only 5-10 minutes before he comes back and tells me "I just realized we won't have a tv on tonight. Will you be okay to sleep?" I nod "I'll be fine, Spence. I'm exhausted. I usually just leave the tv on for background noise, I can play white noise on my phone tonight and I'll be fine." Spencer nods, relieved, I think. He puts his stuff away and climbs into the air mattress, moving me around with him as he adjusts. I cuddle up to him and he cuddles back, this makes me feel so much better, better than I have all day. We talk a little bit about random things before saying our I love you's and falling asleep.

•••••

I wake up to Spencer gently shaking me, fully dressed. I rub my eyes and ask him "what time is it?" He tells me "it's a little past 10, you need to get ready because we are going to Boston." I furrow my brow and ask him with my morning voice "Boston?" Spencer nods, gathering my things and putting them in my go bag. He tells me "we've tracked Emily there. You're going with us." I ask him as I stand up to change out of my pajamas "what about the kids?" Spencer says "Jessica, Jack, Will, and Henry are all staying here because it's the safest for them. They're in less danger here than they would be in Boston. You're not leaving my side. If we had kids or Ryder here that would be different, but we don't, so you are coming with me so I can protect you to the best of my ability." I nod, not arguing with any of that. I take my toiletry bag and tell Spencer I just need to freshen up and then I can go. He nods, happy with that answer. Once we are ready, Spencer and I make our way to the tarmac, riding together with Rossi and Hotch. Seaver and Morgan are riding with Penelope who is joining us as well this time, which is out of the ordinary. We make our way to the plane from the tarmac with our go bags. As soon as I step onto the plane I whistle and say "damn, no wonder y'all are jet setting all the time. This is really nice." Everybody chuckles, even Hotch. Spencer and I cuddle up on the couch on the jet as the team works and I listen quietly to everything they have to say. Emily was seen throwing a flash-bang grenade into a car with 3 people inside. Morgan is freaked out by this, I would say almost livid at Emily's actions. I'm surprised, but honestly I wouldn't put it past any of these people to commit heinous acts of violence to protect themselves or even more so to protect the people they love, especially the team. Spencer recognizes that the unsub, Ian Doyle, has nothing to lose so Emily has to act the same way. I agree with him. She's only doing this to protect the team, not because she particularly wants to hurt this man. We are also going to Boston to track down Clyde Easter who was on the task force Emily was on to take down Doyle. Apparently Easter was trying to leave the country which isn't good for him, but they stopped him before he left the country so maybe he can help. Penelope asks Hotch how much time Emily has. His answer disturbs me "her best chance is also the most troubling," he says with a serious and concerned face. Hotch continues "Doyle saved her for last because he views her as his stressor. Which means he'll take his time." I feel chills down my spine at this knowledge and I start saying a prayer for Emily to be okay. The plane is going to land soon and with that Hotch tells everybody to take a breather before we land and have to get back to work in Boston. Spencer grabs my hand, caressing it softly with his thumb. He asks me softly "I know this is a lot for you. How are you doing?" I take a deep breath and nod. I tell him softly "I am a bit overwhelmed, but I'm happy I'm here with you and not stuck at home worried about all of you, especially Emily. At least being here I can get all the information right from the source whenever it's ready." Spencer gives me a soft half smile and nods. He sighs and says "I'm sorry this is what we are doing right after our trip." I shake my head "it's okay, Spence. You can't help it. And it was a great trip! No apologies necessary." I give him a soft kiss on the cheek and we both listen to everybody else talk for a bit. I can visibly see that Morgan is stressed, worried. I know that if I can see it, that everybody on this plane can clearly see it. I don't blame him. I'm surprised Spencer isn't more worried than he is. I'm just trying to be here for him because that's all I can do in this situation. Everything is going to be okay. Everyone is going to be okay. At least, I hope.

•••••

We land in Boston and the team gets straight to work. Spencer and Rossi are pulled to interrogate a lead in the investigation. I plan to just sit with Penelope, but Hotch tells me I can observe if I would like. I'm honestly shocked, but maybe he thinks I'll see something the team doesn't? I don't know. I'm very intrigued so I take him up on his offer and observe from the other side of the one way mirror while Hotch interrogates Easter in another room. I have to genuinely choke down my laughter when I hear Spencer call this guy a "hood rat." I've never heard him use that term the entire time we have been together. They seem to get somewhere with this guy and the team decides to let him have a cigarette in hopes he will reveal more information. My eyes roll so far back in my head I was afraid they wouldn't come back when Seaver said she knows a lot about narcissists because she dated a few. Takes one to know one. Spencer sits with me for a bit after Seaver and Rossi go to the roof to take the guy to have a cigarette. We mainly just sit in silence as I gently rub his shoulder or hold his hand. His leg is bouncing rapidly so I know he's nervous. After a few minutes, Rossi and Seaver come back in asking for medical and a body bag. Apparently the guy got shot and I can see the blood splatter on Seaver's shirt. She seems to be in shock, shaking just slightly. I squeeze Spence's hand and get up to help her. I go over to her and lead her into the bathroom. I do what I can to get the blood out of her sweater, but it's no use. I ask her softly "you okay?" She nods. Then she says shakily "I um..I have another shirt in my go bag." I nod and ask her "you want me to go grab your go bag for you?" She looks at me and then looks down "if you don't mind, that would be great. It's in the conference room." I nod, giving her hand a squeeze and leaving to get her go bag. The good thing about not being an agent is I can easily slip in and out of rooms without being noticed. I give soft head nods, smiles, and waves to the people I know and grab Seaver's go bag for her, heading back to the bathroom. I grab her a water when I pass some on a table and take it with me. I knock on the door gently and then step in softly before walking back over to Seaver. I hand her the water and the go bag. I ask her "is there anything else I can do to help?" She shakes her head. She looks at me and asks "why are you being so nice to me? I've been nothing but mean to you. I don't deserve this." I give her a tight lipped smile as I continue dabbing her sweater with cold water. I tell her "all people, even the worst of the people the team puts away, deserve kindness in their lives. Maybe that's why some of them ended up in the positions they did, I don't know. I'm sorry I haven't always been kind to you." She looks at me shocked. She asks me "you're apologizing to me for not being kind? After I've harassed you and your fiancé for months?" I shrug and nod "everyone deserves kindness. I know there's probably things going on in your life that make you feel like hostility is the only option. It's not, but you'll figure that out in your own time. I forgive you." She looks at me still in shock, a single tear slipping down her cheek. I tell her "I'm going to give you some privacy, but let me know if there's anything else I can do to help, okay?" She nods and gives me a half smile as I go to leave the bathroom. When I get out, Spencer is looking over Garcia's shoulder at something and calling Morgan over. I decide to stay back and observe some more, there isn't much I can do to help. Everyone packs up and gets in their FBI protective gear. God, Spencer looks hot. Shut up, Annie, now is definitely not the time. I watch the footage of the take down from Garcia's laptop, intensely more terrified than the last time I was in this position during their training. I watch as they take down different henchmen left and right before Morgan's cam comes up on Emily with a wooden plank in her abdomen. I cover my mouth and nose with my hands, eyes welling with tears at the sight. Morgan begs her to hold on, but Emily just keeps saying "let me go." I look at Garcia and we immediately pack up to meet everybody else at the hospital.

•••••

Hours pass. No word from the surgeons, the nurses, anybody. I'm sitting with Spencer, holding his hand and playing with his hair to calm him down while he still bounces his legs erratically. I tried to say calming words to him in the beginning but they seemed to only make him more upset. I gathered the best thing I can be for Spencer right now is simply just here. I can be here for him. Everybody sits in silence, drinking shitty hospital waiting room coffee because we all just want to feel something that isn't the sounds of our own worry and panic. The clock ticks, on the wall, reminding all of us how long Emily has been in surgery. After hours of Emily being in surgery, JJ comes around the corner and I can tell from the look in her eyes that she has no good news to share. Her eyes are brimming with tears as she tells us "she never made it off the table." Spencer immediately gets up to leave and before I can stop him, JJ does. She stops him and he says "I didn't get a chance to say goodbye." She gives him a hug as he lets his grief consume him briefly. JJ doesn't stay long and I move to take her place holding Spencer. I'm not mad at all that he ended up with JJ. She's been there for him longer than I have, she's part of the team. He was leaving to be alone before she stopped him, not to run to another woman's arms. Spencer crumbles into me, losing all of his resolve to not cry and grieve the loss of one of his best friends in the entire world. We all slowly move to go to a hotel for the night. None of us want to travel tonight, not without Emily. None of us would be safe to travel if we wanted to travel. Spencer is silent for the drive home, his eyes nearly glazed over. He holds my hand tightly, never letting go except to grab bags and to open doors. Before we go our separate ways to different rooms, I make my rounds trying to comfort everybody. I tell them all I'm here if they want to talk or if they just don't want to sit alone. They all thank me and I can tell Spencer is spent. We make our way to our room, still in silence. We go into the room and I softly tell him "go take a shower, wash the day off. You'll feel better. I'll be right out here." He nods solemnly, going to the bathroom and shutting the door. I expect to hear him crying but I don't. He just looks numb. I sigh to myself and go to order room service. I get our favorite comfort meal delivered, tomato soup and grilled cheese. He takes his time in the shower which is okay with me. After he's been in there 25 minutes and the food has already been delivered, I get nervous. I knock on the door and get a mumbled response from Spencer. I ask him "you okay? Can I come in?" I hear a mumbled hum of affirmation as I walk into the bathroom. He's standing under the stream of the shower, it's warm but not too warm. I ask him "are you ready to get out?" He shakes his head "I haven't even started." I nod in understanding. I ask him "okay, do you want me to help? Or do you just want to get out?" He gives me the briefest of eye contact before saying softly "help." I nod, stripping off my clothes. I grab his shampoo, conditioner, body wash, and wash cloth before getting into the shower with him. I take the shampoo in my hands, reaching up and gently lathering the soap into his scalp, using my nails to scratch the sensitive to skin. He lets out little happy moans of pleasure at the feeling and I take that as a good sign. I repeat the process with the conditioner and then ready his wash cloth for him. I ask him "do you want to do this part or do you want me to? I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with." He looks at me and says "you." I nod, gently lathering his body in the soap, cleaning the day and what I can of the grief off of him. Once I have him rinsing under the rain of the shower head, I tell him "I'm going to quickly clean up okay?" He nods, moving out of the water stream. I wash my hair and my body as quickly as I can, also washing off the feeling of this awful day. I help him dry off, he takes the lead on this a bit, cinching a towel around his waist and towel drying his hair. I cinch a towel under my arms and throw my hair up in a towel, following him out. I tell him there's food if he's hungry. He walks over and picks up a sandwich and some soup, eating mindlessly. I breathe out a sigh of relief at the fact that he's actually eating. I eat next to him, both of us in silence. I can't even bring myself to turn on the tv or anything. The silence is bad but adding sound to this mental overstimulation would be worse. We finish our food and get dressed and ready for bed, still in silence. When we climb into bed we curl up similar to how we did almost a year ago when Haley died. I let him be the little spoon and he sobs as he holds my hand that's wrapped around him. He says softly "I didn't get to say goodbye." He continues to say that over and over again until he eventually has cried himself to sleep. I breathe out another sigh of relief. Getting him here and taken care of tonight is one of the hardest nights I've had in our relationship. Not because he was difficult, but because I love him and I hate to see him in pain. He's grieving the loss of one of his best friends. Once I'm sure he's asleep, I slowly get out of bed and go into the bathroom. I shut the door softly and I sit down, leaning against the bathtub. It's then I allow myself to crumble. It feels wrong to grieve so powerfully the loss of someone I've known for only a year. She was my friend, too. I spent the entire day trying to be the caregiver of everybody, especially tonight in the waiting room and after. Everybody was distraught and I felt guilty being upset myself. I didn't allow myself to let the feeling of grief implode with my mind and body until this moment. I hug my knees to my chest and sob into them. I try to be quiet and hope I don't wake Spencer, but honestly, towards the end, I didn't care anymore. I let out all the stress and worry through my sobs as I think back on all the memories I've had with Emily. I wonder what's going to happen now to her bridesmaids dress for the wedding. I worry who will take our place or if we will just have to kick off a groomsman to make the ceremony even. I grieve the loss in private, feeling like I don't deserve to be this upset. She was my friend, too.