Chapter 40: Insecure

I wake to the sound of Spencer's phone ringing loudly. It has to be like 6 am and Spencer and I both took the day off work for New Year's Day today so whoever is calling is being very rude. Spencer answers the phone with a gruff "This is Dr. Reid." I hear garbled chatter on the phone and can't understand it. I've barely moved since the phone woke me up, I've only briefly opened my eyes. Spencer responds "okay Hotch I'll be there soon." Spencer hangs up the phone and I groan loudly. Spencer let's out an apologetic sigh before saying "we got called on a case. I'm sorry, Annie." I hum "I knew our bubble of solitude couldn't last for forever, Spence. I just hoped we would have New Year's Day together before it officially ended." Spencer mumbles his agreement. I ask "what time is it anyway?" Spencer hums as he picks up the phone to check the time "Um it's 9:08." I turn to him, shocked. Spencer chuckles "I know I thought it was earlier, too." We sit in silence for a minute, both of us still in the process of waking up. I turn to Spencer and say "why don't I make you a nice breakfast while you get ready and then we will eat together before you leave? Sound good?" Spencer's face lights up just a bit and he smiles warmly "that would be great, Annie. Especially considering since I'll probably be eating from a vending machine for the next few days." I give him a sad smile and nod. I move to get out of bed, still in just a t shirt and no underwear. Spencer groans and says "please put some pants on or I will be late." I giggle and nod as I grab some pajama pants and pull them on. Spencer thanks me as he heads for the bathroom to shower before he has to go in to work. Ryder stands up and stretches before following at my heels to the kitchen. I end up deciding to take Ryder out even though I look utterly homeless. I slip on my slippers and take him outside quickly. We get back inside and I get to work on breakfast. I get started on scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits and gravy. I also get the keurig heating up to make Spencer's coffee. I'm multitasking with multiple pots and pans, I cut corners with using pre made biscuits I just have to stick in the oven. But don't tell my mom that; she would probably have an aneurysm. Spencer comes out about thirty minutes later as I'm finishing up the gravy. I cooked the bacon and made scrambled eggs in the pan with the leftover bacon grease. I hit the button to brew Spencer's coffee and listen to the keurig hum before I hear the dripping sound of the fresh brew and the aroma of coffee fills the kitchen. I make Spencer a plate with a couple pieces of bacon, some scrambled eggs, and I put an open biscuit on the plate and pour the fresh gravy over it. I hand Spencer his plate, which he thanks me for, and get his coffee fixed just how he likes it. He thanks me again for the coffee as I smile and nod while making my own plate. I actually opt for Diet Coke today and pull a cold can of it out of the fridge. Spencer chuckles and shakes his head. I giggle back "what? You know I like Diet Coke instead of coffee sometimes in the morning." Spencer nods and swallows the food in his mouth before saying "yes I know that, but I still don't understand it." I just shrug and continue eating my food. I ask Spencer "did Hotch say where you're going?" Spencer shakes his head "they're still gathering information. He said to try not to take too long though so it must be important." I nearly snort at that. Spencer furrows his brow. I laugh harder "Spencer, you catch serial killers. Of course it's important!" He laughs at my statement. After he scarfs down his food rather quickly he turns to me, plants a kiss on my lips, and tells me goodbye before heading for the door. I tell him "I love you, please be safe and make good choices!" Spencer smiles sweetly in the door frame "I love you, too, the rest of your statement also goes for you!" I chuckle and nod before telling him to go save lives. I lock the door behind him and decide to spend the day cleaning up and running errands since I won't be spending it with Spencer. Killian calls me and asks me if I want to get dinner with she and Alison later and I happily agree. It'll keep my mind off of Spencer. I offer for them to come over before hand and hang out since I know Killian probably has more free time than she anticipated as well now that Hotch is gone on a case with the team, too. Killian told me she would if she were available but she told Hotch she would watch Jack until Jessica got off of work. Alison also wasn't available to come over before dinner which is totally fine. I decided to spend the afternoon walking Ryder and then cuddling with him while I caught up on some tv shows after finishing up my chores I wanted to get done around the apartment. About an hour before our dinner plans I get ready. I put on basic makeup and leggings, uggs, and a sweatshirt since we aren't going anywhere fancy. We agreed on cozy homeless before hand so at least we will all look cohesive. We decide to go to get Mexican food. Originally we were going to get sushi, but then remembered that Alison can't eat sushi now that she's pregnant. I'm so excited for her, she will honestly be the best mom. I drive over to the restaurant, excited to see my girls. We all meet in the parking lot and get seated together. I ask Alison if she minds if Killian and I get margaritas. She waves her hand and chuckles lightly "I don't mind at all." I nod and smile before asking her "so how did Luke take the news?" Alison beams with joy at the memory and says "he was so happy. I didn't try to do anything elaborate I just went home with the positive test and told him. We've agreed not to tell people yet. You two are the only ones that know besides Luke and me." I smile softly and nod "I haven't even told Spencer, and I tell him everything." Killian adds "I usually would've told Aaron but I was so excited to have my negative test back I went home and jumped his bones immediately. I didn't think about the tests again with him. I was afraid to tell the profiler the story and that he would see right through me about why we were taking pregnancy tests at work in the first place." We laugh at Killian's words. I ask Alison "have you made an appointment with your doctor yet?" She nods her head "yes I'm leaving early on Friday for our appointment because that's Luke's day off." I nod and give her a big smile. I grab her hand and say "I'm just so happy for you. I know y'all have wanted this for a while. You'll be great parents." She blushes and thanks me for my kind words. Our food arrives and Alison asks me "so a little birdie told me your birthday is on Friday." I shake my head and laugh "let me guess. That little birdie's name is Killian or Spencer." Killian just raises her hand and says "guilty." Alison chuckles and says "well you've had such a stressful last couple weeks with the holidays and the attack in Vegas, Killian and I want to take you to a spa for your birthday one day this week. When's your day off?" I chuckle nervously and say "I think it's Wednesday this week." Alison nods "well that's great because that's my day off this week, too!" Killian nods "I'll switch around my shifts with somebody so I can make it. It'll be so fun!" I blush and smile at my friends being so kind and thoughtful. I ask "what all will be involved with this spa day?" Killian says "a one hour full body massage, a European facial, a mani pedi, and a lash lift and tint." My eyes go wide "guys that has got to be really expensive. Let me pay for mine." Killian shakes her head and says "how about instead you and Spencer watch Jack one weekend when the team is home so he and I can have some time to ourselves?" I smile and nod "deal!" I turn to Alison and say "any time you and Luke need some time together after the baby is born I would be happy to help out. It would also be good practice for Spencer and me to take care of a newborn together." Alison nods with a warm smile and tells me she will definitely take me up on that. Alison then asks me as she dips a chip in the bowl of salsa "so what does Spencer have planned for your birthday?" I shrug my shoulders and say "I think we are just getting dinner the night of. It's no big deal." Alison gasps and says "honey, yes it is! We should also find you a new dress for your dinner with Spencer! We can do that on the spa day, too!" I chuckle and shake my head "I have plenty of dresses. I don't need a new one." Killian dead pans "when is the last time you bought a new dress?" I say "um...when I bought a dress to wear in Vegas." Alison asks "what happened to that dress?" I think for a second and realize I have no idea. I know Spencer put everything in a bag when he got me the more comfortable clothes from the gift shop but I don't remember seeing the clothes or the shoes ever again. I look at her and say "I honestly don't know. I haven't seen that dress or the shoes since I was in the hospital." Alison nods "that's probably for the best. Alright it's settled! New dress and shoes for Annie for her birthday dinner." I laugh along and concede. We spend the rest of the night talking about work, our love lives, and Killian makes fun of my being tipsy at the New Year's Eve party. We finish up dinner and split the bill. Killian and I only had one margarita each so we are good to drive ourselves home. I text Spencer as I'm getting in the car letting him know that I'll be home soon if he wants to talk before he goes to bed. I don't even know where he is or what time zone he's in. I haven't heard anything from him all day and I hope he's okay.

~ Spencer's POV ~

When I arrived at the BAU, I was the last to arrive. I apologized profusely and Hotch just waved his hand, telling me not to worry about it. We debriefed in the office, there have been a string of murders of women in a gated community in New Mexico and we've been invited in by local law enforcement to investigate. Rossi and Hotch have brought in a new agent trainee from the academy to help us. I think she's in place of JJ but Rossi said it's so she can provide "a different perspective," whatever that means. She seems nice enough. Her name is Ashley Seaver. I try to be kind and welcoming, how I would be to any new member of the team. I don't like that she's replacing JJ, even if Hotch won't call it that. I sit on the jet next to Hotch. Emily sits across from Hotch and Seaver sits next to Emily, in front of me. I'm assuming she is most likely just trying to be near the only other woman present on the team at the moment. Emily probably makes her feel more comfortable than any of the rest of us men on the team. Especially after learning of her father's history before we left the BAU. We sit on the semi long flight debriefing and discussing our thoughts so far. After the first hour and a half we all decide to take some time to ourselves to decompress before having to actively engage for possibly days straight. I hope we will make it home in time for Annie's birthday. I know we've been gone for weeks at a time before and I could easily rearrange all of the arrangements at the restaurant, but I really don't want Annie feeling alone and unloved for her birthday this year. Seaver is scrolling on her phone with her AirPods in as Emily turns to me and asks "so have you made all the arrangements for..um..Annie's birthday yet?" I smile brightly and nod to her. "Everything is coming along great and I don't think she suspects a thing." I say happily. Emily smiles and says "if you need any help with anything let me know." I smile gratefully and nod to her. I continue reading my book, the details of the case still swirling around in my head, distracting me. We get set up in the model home of the community as our home base to conduct our investigations. Seaver seems to be more of a hindrance than a helper at this point. We are having to explain a lot of things to her in real time. Garcia has already teased me about her once, fully knowing I have a girlfriend, soon to be fiancée, at home waiting for me. As we are gathering all of our intel regarding the people in the community Seaver tries to ask me about the details of what her father did when he was actively murdering women. We were interrupted before I had to answer, thankfully. At the community meeting she was helpful in narrowing down the suspects by looking at the families without pets. However, she did nearly get killed by the unsub when she ventured off on her own and didn't tell anybody. Thankfully she was okay and the only casualty of the whole interaction was the unsub. Seaver was pretty shaken up, understandably. After a while I get a FaceTime call from Annie so I stand up from my seat to find a more private area so I can talk to her and give her my full attention. I answer the call and say "hey, Annie, how has your night been?" She smiles at her screen and responds "pretty good! I got chores done around the house and then went to get Mexican with Alison and Killian. I just got back from dinner. How's the case?" I scratch my head with my free hand and say "well good and bad. It was bad because there was another murder while we were here and the unsub was shot. It was good because we are already on the jet back home so I'll see you in a few hours." She beams happily at that. Out of nowhere I get bumped and drop my phone. I look up and realize it's Seaver. She picks up my phone and hands it to me. She apologizes "sorry, was just trying to find the bathroom." I give her a kind smile and nod, moving to find a different spot to stand now that she and I both would need more privacy. Annie has an expression I've never seen before. She then asks me with a tension in her voice "who was that? That just picked up your phone?" I say "hmm? Oh that was just a new agent trainee who helped consult on this case. She was really helpful even though she almost died." Annie nods with still an odd expression across her face. She says "okay um what time do you think you'll be home?" I check my watch and look "probably around 10. You don't have to wait up for me." She gives a soft smile and says "tomorrow is Sunday, I have the day off. I'll wait up with Ryder for you to get home." I smile warmly and chuckle nervously. "Okay Annie I'll see you, soon, love you." I tell her. She has her normal smile back and says "I love you, too, see you soon," and hangs up. A voice perks up from behind me "who was that?" I turn to see Seaver again and say "oh that was my girlfriend." A look of surprise and, I think, disappointment crosses her features. She asks "how long have you two been together?" I beam as I say "almost 9 months." She has a somewhat relieved expression as she says "oh so not long at all." I furrow my brow and say "well it feels like a lifetime. I never want to go back to life without her." Seaver's face falls and she says "Um anyway Emily said you would probably have a book I could borrow for the rest of the plane ride? I just need to get my mind off of all of this and my phone just isn't cutting it. I would've packed a book but I had to pack in such a hurry that I forgot." I give her a small smile and nod. I pull out a couple books and let her pick one. She sits back down next to Emily and I go to sit next to Morgan instead of my original seat. Morgan raises an eyebrow at me. I ask him "what?" He just shrugs and says "you need to be careful, pretty boy." I'm confused and ask "what do you mean?" Morgan turns his gaze to Seaver before turning to me and says "little miss daddy issues over there has the hots for you. It's obvious. Now I know you probably haven't noticed, but if you don't want any issues at work or in your relationship you need to be careful and professional." I shrug it off and turn to read my book. I love Annie and this new girl doesn't change that at all. Annie shouldn't feel threatened by her. I'm planning to ask her to marry me in less than a week. She has nothing to worry about. I continue reading my book before ultimately deciding to take a nap before having to drive back home once the plane lands. I happily think about how I will get to spend the night with Annie tonight and not in an uncomfortable hotel bed.

•••••

I am livid. Who the fuck was this new girl who picked up Spencer's phone? I have never seen her before and she looks like a literal child. Spencer has never mentioned her before. How long has she been on the team? Why wouldn't he tell me about a new girl on the team? My brain is swirling with angry questions. I ultimately decide to just take a shower and cool off and get dressed in warm pajamas. Honestly the last thing I want right now is to have sex with Spencer when he gets back while I'm so angry. As I think back on the last couple of weeks I thought he seemed more nervous around me. He also has been looking at me differently. Oh my god what if he's cheating on me with this girl? If she's been on the team for a while then that's definitely a new possibility. I'm so angry I groan as I pace around my bedroom. I pick up a pillow and scream into it, Ryder looks at me with concern in his eyes. I immediately feel guilty and turn to pet him and comfort him. I know when I get anxious he gets anxious. I decide to pour myself a glass of wine and curl up on the couch with Ryder as I turn on a sitcom rerun and try to distract myself from my own thoughts. Spencer comes in a few minutes after ten, like he said he would. Ryder is excited to see him, but I am determined to stay mad. I want an explanation from him before I greet him. He comes around the couch and looks at me, surprised I think when he sees I'm not asleep and I didn't greet him. I just say "hi." He furrows his brow and goes to sit on the ottoman in front of me. I pretend to be utterly interested in the tv show. He's not having this and turns off the tv. I look at him with exasperation. He raises a single eyebrow and says "what's going on, Annie?" I just shrug and say "nothing." He shakes his head and says "Annie I know you better than you think." I narrow my eyes at him and say "oh do you now? What am I upset about, Spencer? Tell me." He let's his head fall briefly before he picks it back up and says "you're mad that agent Seaver picked up my phone while I was on FaceTime with you." I look away, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of being right. Spencer gently leans forward and softly guides my face to look back at him. He asks "is that it or is it something else?" I just nod softly and ask "who is she, Spence?" Spencer just sighs and says "I just met her today. Rossi brought her on to consult for this particular case and give us a new perspective. She hasn't even graduated from the academy yet." I raise an eyebrow and ask him "you just met her today?" He looks surprised at my question and nods emphatically saying "yes she was in the office this morning when we got there and I had never seen her before in my life. Why are you asking me these questions? Do you not trust me?" I look down and feel my lip starting to tremble. I do not want to cry right now I need to keep myself together. I swallow and say "you've just been acting weird lately and...I...I was afraid..." Spencer finishes for me "you were afraid I've been cheating on you?" I expected him to get angry, to blow up. I haven't been in many relationships but the ones that didn't make it past a few days or weeks usually ended with the man getting his pride wounded and taking it out on me. I brace myself for anger and hurtful words but they never come. Instead of being angry Spencer gently guides my face to look back to him. I feel the tears escaping my eyes. He gives me a soft look, wiping my tears with his thumbs, and says "Annie I would never cheat on you. Yes I guess I have been acting different recently but I can't tell you why yet. It's something confidential with work and I will tell you as soon as I can. I promise." I just nod and don't say anything, fearful of how my voice will sound. Spencer looks at me and softly asks me "please say something." I nod and say "I just saw her on my screen and immediately thought she is so much prettier than I am." Spencer looks very confused at my statement. I get anxious for what he will say and start talking again before he can "I had never seen her before or heard of her and that combined with seeing her blonde hair and perfect makeup and small frame it all just made me feel so insecure." Spencer's soft eyes bore into my soul at my words. He says "Annie, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Not Seaver. You. I want nothing to do with her. I only want you." I look down again and start to blow off his compliments before he says "Annie, stop it. I will never lie to you. You are beautiful, in all forms. I don't know where this newfound insecurity is coming from, but this can't just be about some holiday weight gain." I just feel myself give in to the tears I had been fighting. Spencer just patiently pulls me into his arms and moves to sit on the couch. He comforts me softly, making quiet shushing noises and gently rubs my back. The minute I feel myself finally calming down I pull back so I can look at him. I sniffle a few times before saying "I..I think this is all coming from the attack. I thought I was fine after I was barely hurt. Sometimes now I look at myself in the mirror and try to find what I did to deserve the attack. What about me made him choose me? I just look at myself in the mirror and pick apart my body and think to myself why would they even want me? I'm not skinny and I'm not pretty. Why did they attack me?" I'm crying into Spencer's chest, soaking his shirt with my tears. Spencer gives me a second to calm down and asks "Annie, you said 'they' and not 'he.' Are these feelings only from that waiter or are they also from running in to Harrison when you were home?" I'm surprised by his question. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of all these negative feelings and self loathing being connected to Harrison. I open and close my mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. Eventually I settle on "I hadn't even thought of that. I have really only thought to myself and asked myself 'why would Spencer want this damaged girl with issues?' And now that I've seen a girl who is a better prospect for you those questions are becoming more and more intrusive." Spencer nods and says "Annie, you are not damaged. Things have happened to you that you didn't ask for nor deserve, yes, but you are not damaged." I choose not to tell him that I don't believe him. However, I think he can tell without me saying anything. He says after a beat "did you know that there is an ancient method of repairing broken pottery with gold in Japan? It's called 'Kintsugi' or 'Kintsukoroi' and means 'golden joinery' or 'golden repair.' Instead of repairing the object to show no signs of past breakage and repair from that breakage, the breakage and repair is highlighted with gold. The breakage and repair is considered part of the journey, part of the object. Being broken is part of the journey, not something to hide. The gold reparations only make the pottery more beautiful and showcase how it blossomed through adversity and wasn't crushed by it." Spencer waits a second after saying all of that before he continues "I'm telling you about that to tell you that yes you have been hurt in the past, but instead of letting that hurt fill your heart and soul, you replaced it with gold. You replaced it with love and kindness and selflessness. Yes, you've been hurt, but you have never let it define you. You were beautiful before all of this, even what happened with Harrison, and you are beautiful now, possibly even more beautiful. Right now, in the healing process, those cracks and broken parts you feel are being repaired with gold. You can only get more beautiful, Annie." I feel myself tearing up again at his kind words and he just gives me a soft smile, wiping the tears from my face. I look at him and softly say "I love you, Spencer." He hums softly and says "I love you, too, Annie. More than anything. You have no reason to feel threatened by Seaver. You already have my heart and she's not getting it." He punctuates his statement with a kiss to my temple. I feel guilty now for being angry at him and feel like I had been behaving irrationally. I apologize to him "I'm sorry you came home to such a hostile welcome. I shouldn't need so much validation from you over the smallest things." Spencer shakes his head "you don't have to apologize for needing validation. Words of affirmation is your love language. I probably would've been upset if I were you, so I don't blame you at all for being upset, baby." I nod and ask him "can we just forget this ever happened?" Spencer chuckles and says "maybe you can, but I, sadly, will remember this forever." I chuckle at his joke and nod. I tell him "I love you, Spencer. I'm sorry for making such a big deal out of all of this. I should've trusted you." Spencer hums and says "you trusted me enough to wait until I got home to talk about it and you trusted me enough to talk about it. I always want you to talk to me about things that are bothering you." I nod and we sit in silence for a minute. I then say "I think I'm just so used to the men I've talked to before getting angry if they feel their masculinity or pride has been wounded. I expected you to get angry at me tonight when I said I was afraid you were cheating on me." Spencer gives me a soft smile "any man, any person really, that reacts out of anger at an accusation is probably guilty of something. I would much rather you come to me with concerns so I can ease your mind. I'm pretty sure if I ever did cheat on you then every member of the team would hurt me and make it look like an accident." I chuckle and say "good to know." Spencer asks me "now are you ready to go to bed?" I nod and get up to go to bed. Spencer picks up my half empty glass of wine and asks "are you done with this?" I nod and he takes it to the kitchen and pours it out. He follows me to the bedroom and he starts his nightly routine. I just brush my teeth, floss, and rinse with mouthwash because I'd already completed the rest of my routine before Spencer got home. I change out of my warm clothes and into a t shirt and sleep shorts so I won't be so hot when I sleep. I crawl into bed, Ryder jumping into bed right after me, and wait for Spencer to join me. Spencer finishes his night routine and climbs into bed in only his boxers. He pulls me to him and kisses my forehead "Annie, I need you to tell me when you're having feelings like that. I'll never be upset or angry with you. I just need you to communicate with me so I can take care of you." I nod and say "the same goes for you Spencer. You are even better at shutting me out when you are upset about something." Spencer nods and says "I'll try to work on that." I lean up and give him a quick kiss on the lips before saying "I love you, Spence, sweet dreams." He smiles and says "I love you, too, sweet dreams, Annie." I smile happily and let sleep envelop me.