-14-

Love yourself

"I've never really given you much thought before."

I shrugged lazily at the candid statement, drawing long, satisfying drags from the blackening joint before passing it along to the stocky figure currently hunched beside me.

Seungyoon and I took refuge in the secluded alleyway where we could enjoy the peace and solitude of the isolated location while the ginger hues of the sun bathed us in its splendor.

A few months ago, the very idea of getting high and cordial with fucking Kang Seungyoon would have had me barfing out my intestines from disgust.

But here we were—sitting shoulder to shoulder—completely vulnerable to each other.

And I was surprisingly...relaxed with him of all people.

What a fucking crazy world.

"I mean, I knew of you and would notice you briefly in passing from time to time, but you mostly kept to yourself," Seungyoon rephrased while taking a quick puff off the joint and then handing it back to me, hazy eyes trained intently up at the vast sky above. "Until that day in the gym, you weren't really on my radar."

"What would the reason be for the weird loner girl to be on your radar?" I chuckled through an inhale of smoke that tickled the back of my throat with a light burn. "You certainly were on mine though."

His neck craned sluggishly in my direction.

"Yeah?"

I nodded.

Primarily, it was due to my deep-seated, unhealthy jealousy of him and Irene that sprang him to my attention in the first place.

But for the sake of the easy-toned conversation—and in avoidance of being the first to bring up Irene—I decided to omit this minor detail.

"It's hard to miss the King of Horangi," I said, a tad surprised to hear him laughing softly in response.

"What a stupid title," He scoffed while gently sloping his head back against the bricked wall. "I'm the king of nothing..."

"Literally everyone in our class would disagree," I refuted.

He plucked the joint from my fingers and took a hard drag, pupils dilating upon inhale.

"It's pretty shitty how we have so many labels stamped on us this young," He complained, his tone strained and wooden. "It's just high school and yet everyone acts like these times shape our lives...like it's the only thing that'll ever matter."

Quite true, actually.

The high school experience served only as an outline to prepare us for the future.

Even at my young age, I could recognize the insignificance of adolescent matters which pale in comparison to those encountered during adulthood.

I caught a brief glimpse of this mirrored through Kyungri—tasted its brutal bitterness unprimed.

It was absurd to even think high school could be credited for anything beyond flimsy memories that most of us would much rather forget anyway.

So, who really gives a fuck?

"We all hone the potential to be greater than the shadows we leave behind in high school," Seungyoon continued in a dazed slur. "And yet, we choose to be chained to stereotypes...it's so stupid..."

"Then why remain the king?"

He shrugged.

"Pride."

My nose wrinkled in puzzlement at the simple explanation which prompted him to clarify.

"In elementary school, I was somewhat of an ugly duckling," His chapped lips upturned into a small smirk. "I was your average big-headed, snot-nosed brat with chicken legs and a bad haircut."

It was quite amusing to visualize the odd mental image of the muscle-bound meat head next to me as some skinny little wimp.

"Please tell me you have pictures," I teased.

"Hell no," He snickered through another inhale of toxins. "Once freshmen year began, I had my growth spurt. I grew into my head, gained some muscle, and became a little handsome which all the girls noticed right away. My dad was super hyped when I joined the basketball team. He told me he was always worried I'd turn out to be some kind of sissy and was proud I ended up manly and tough like him..." His nostalgic smile faded into a saddened frown. "...All I ever wanted was to be noticed by him...I wanted that more than anything...so I figured, hey, since I have this handsome jock aesthetic and I'm good at sports, why not take advantage of it? Somehow along the way, I became the face of Horangi."

"But that's not what you want?"

He gritted his teeth.

"My dreams go way beyond being some popular jock."

"Like what?" I asked curiously.

His brown eyes took on a sheepish gleam.

"...It's embarrassing."

"Do you want to be a drag queen or something?" I joked.

"Very funny," He huffed in amusement, combing his fingers through his messy locks. "I want to be an artist."

Wow.

Never would I have guessed in passing that Seungyoon—the basketball jock—was a closeted art freak.

"Like, Picasso or something?" I asked flippantly, my interest piqued.

"Nothing nowhere near that complex," He said with a toothy grin. "I do street art, you know— graffiti."

"Can I see?"

Sucking one last hit, Seungyoon passed the joint back to me so that he could dig in the tight pockets of his khakis for his phone. After scrolling through a few galleries, he handed the device over to me.

"I've never shown these to anyone before."

An impressive wall of graffiti art adorned with bright colors and well-executed characters wearing cracked masks and goofy expressions attracted my attention immediately. Another picture showcased Seungyoon wearing a navy-blue hoodie with his back against a wall spray painted with large, well-designed angel wings.

"Damn, these are pretty good..." I whistled, still scrolling through multiple expertly crafted artworks in wonderment. "Like crazy good."

"You think so?" I detected a tinge of enthusiasm in his tone.

I returned his phone to him then took a long-awaited puff from the shriveled joint.

"Either that or I'm just too fucking high to tell the difference between art and horse shit."

He returned his attention to the cell phone screen, beamed up like a lighthouse.

"When I'm creating my art, I feel the most like myself," He confessed, brown eyes shimmering in ambition. "My true self."

My gaze fixed inquisitively on him.

"Does Irene know about your dreams?"

His lively demeanor quickly deflated at the mention of her name.

"I already told you you're the only one I've shown these to..."

"You didn't even tell her about it though?" I asked while passing him the joint which he eagerly accepted.

"I wanted to...fuck, I wanted to..." His head once again took rest against the brick wall. "I was so unsure of how she'd react..."

"She'd react by supporting you one hundred percent no questions asked," I stated matter-of-factly.

Irene, without a doubt, would have supported him to the fucking corner of the universe strapped to his back like a human jet pack.

It's just who she is.

A light.

"I don't know..." A weighted sigh of disappointment escaped him. "I had it beat in my head that she wanted this perfect sports jock for a boyfriend—what every cheerleader should have. If I deviated from that, how would that reflect on her?"

I let out an amused scoff.

"Irene hates being a cheerleader."

His head snapped in my direction.

"Seriously?"

"She's afraid of heights," I laughed with a roll of my eyes, jubilantly recalling the outlandish circumstances of how I discovered this juicy information. "Being in the air like that totally freaks her out."

"I...I never knew that..."

"That's because you two were so busy trying to be perfect illusions to actually see each other," I stated truthfully.

Horangi's 'power couple' all along had been packaged in a golden, false wrapper of stereotypes.

Even though they claimed to be head over heels in passionate young love, they withheld the most intimate parts of their lives from one another. They adhered to masks not only for their peers but also for themselves in order to be the 'faultless' partner.

How batshit?

Seungyoon fell silent just then, slumped over defeatedly as if he had just endured a long and arduous battle.

"... Is that why she cheated on me?"

There was a raspy quality to his voice.

Guilt coursed through my body like venom, the spread only worsening the more I stared at the forlorn look wired on his face.

Having contributed to his suffering, I sympathized with him.

As a victim of betrayal—I knew it hurt like hell.

"I thought I knew everything about her..." He continued, fingers anxiously drumming off the pavement in an erratic rhythm. "But I didn't even know she's afraid of heights and that...that she likes girls?" He shook his head as if to erase the gritty visuals involuntarily popping to mind. "I guess she felt like she couldn't confide in me...so she just found someone else who could understand her better..."

"It's a lot more complicated than that..." I exhaled.

"Complicated or not..." He squirmed uncomfortably. "... I still wasn't good enough."

"You're so fucking wrong," I snapped, no longer able to stand the self-deprecation. "You meant—mean a lot to Irene. You've always been good enough for her, she felt as if she wasn't good enough for you."

An intrigued expression patterned along his face as he listened.

"Believe it or not, Irene could never seem to shut up about you. I'm not sure if it was her guilt talking or whatever, but you were on her mind constantly. She'd go on and on about how great of a listener you are, how you'd be supportive when she'd complain about her parents or grades, how you make her feel safe," I chuckled softly. "Dude, you're her rock."

This seemed to please him.

"She's that for me too," he said pridefully. "I always felt most like a man with Irene...whenever I felt down and out...she'd always be there, encouraging me to do my best."

I snatched the joint from his pinched fingers and took a sustained hit, smirking cockily.

"And you actually thought she wouldn't support your dreams?"

A pregnant pause followed before he provided an answer.

"I don't know...well...Irene and I both come from the same kind of world. Despite its privilege, there is so much pressure in being a kid from money—we're expected to live up to all these expectations from our parents and peers. Irene knew what that pressure felt like... that's why we meshed so well together," he said, once again speaking from pain as he uttered her name. "God, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her..."

"You're still really young," I sighed. "And it's not like Irene and I will run off into the sunset together anyway... we have a lot to figure out too..."

Having already anticipated his next question, I wasn't surprised when he finally spoke it aloud.

"Do you love her?"

...Do I?

Do I love Irene...?

It was instinctual for me to say yes.

Because it's true...isn't it?

I mean, how could I not fucking fall in love with Irene?

She is love.

Then again...

I mistakenly deluded myself into thinking my toxic infatuation for Kyungri was love, although many do interpret unhealthy forms of affection as such.

Love is layered.

It's more than merely wanting to spend all your time with someone or measuring the amount of support they provide—it's about the willingness to sacrifice your own happiness for theirs.

To share their pain.

So, fuck.

I must be in love.

"Honestly, Seungyoon..." I mumbled through a nervous breath. "I don't really think you want to know the answer to that..."

Truthfully, I just didn't want him to be the first to hear it.

Only she was meant to.

An apprehensive silence occurred as Seungyoon peered up at the sky.

"I love her...I can't turn that off... I just can't..." A deep sadness filled his voice as he spoke, stirring the guilt in me further. "I wanted to be her macho jock super boyfriend yet ended up failing to even know the most basic things about her...how fucked up is that?"

"I know all about fucked up," I chortled while blindly passing him the joint and joining his gaze in the sky full of clouds that now seemed to be whirling around like a river stream. "Like this—you and me—is fucked up."

"It is pretty fucked up to be smoking a joint with the chick who stole my girlfriend, isn't it?" He replied through a silly giggle, his eyes hazed and weighted as he took a lazy puff. "What's that called again? Beta behavior?"

I snorted.

"Come on, you're no Beta."

"I'm no Alpha either."

"What you could have been was an asshole," I sneered with a dramatic wave of my hand. "Honestly, I expected you to come at me like some meathead wanting to assert dominance..." I turned to face him, unfazed to find him there ready to accept my gaze. "I really had you all wrong Kang."

He raised a bushy brow.

"Really?"

I gave him a listless nod.

"When you cornered me back here, for a brief second, I thought you were going to jump me or something."

A mixture of amusement and pure horror crossed his face.

"You gotta be kidding."

"I said for a brief second," I mumbled in slight embarrassment.

Sucking on the joint, he grinned at me, his messy curls obstructing his vision.

"Nah, even if you were a guy, I wouldn't hit you. That's not my style. I don't want to be ruled by anger...it's the reason why there is so much destruction in this world. Anger, hatred, and spite... that's not how I want to live my life. I find it better to use my words to express how I feel anyhow. So, yes, I'm livid with you and Irene but that doesn't mean I can't sit here with you and be civil..."

"That's some cheesy deep shit," I teased him, feeling my high slightly affect my willingness to stay serious. "You should write hallmark cards."

"I'll keep it in my mind as a fallback in case my art career doesn't work out," He snickered stupidly.

We both settled into a relaxed state of silence.

My initial impression of him was that he was an arrogant, pretentious jerk-off with an unjustified entitlement to Irene Bae.

But almost as if to mock my faulty insight, Kang Seungyoon was a pretty upstanding guy—as Irene desperately tried convincing me of.

Goddamnit.

I hate that I love it when she's right.

Amidst silent smoking and unprompted giggles, I spoke.

"So do it."

Noticing his confusion, I elaborated.

"Use your words."

He quickly turned away from me, tightlipped.

I waited patiently until he was ready, traffic buzzing in the background like a looping soundtrack the further the silence carried.

Eventually, he was.

"Irene broke my heart... I hope she breaks yours too..."

I nodded as I took the joint from his possession, which had become nearly a stump by this point.

"Sounds fair."

"Sounds awful," Seungyoon protested with a heavy groan, cradling his head in his hands shamefully. "I really don't wish that..."

"Don't be a Beta," I joked while nudging his side.

"But I don't want—" He began to complain but I cut him off.

"Give the boy scout routine a rest, Kang. I know you're a good guy, you proved that but you're also human. It's okay to be angry."

With dopey puppy dog eyes, he nodded in agreement.

"Yeah... you stole my girl and I pretty much hate your guts right now..." Before I could react, he held up one finger to indicate that he wasn't finished. "But because you were woman enough to face me, and own what you did, I respect the fuck out of you."

"The feeling is mutual."

We exchanged content smiles.

Yeah.

Crazy, crazy world.

Our short period of tranquility was interrupted by the jarring ring of my cell phone.

I immediately knew it was my mother.

"Hey, mom," I answered as soberly as I possibly could.

"Hi, honey, are you still at school?" Her voice sounded unusually strained.

"No, I'm just..." I trailed off as I looked over at Seungyoon who resorted to absent-mindedly scuffing his tennis shoes against the pavement. "...Hanging with a friend."

The line went silent for a few seconds before I heard her light voice again.

"I need you to come home."

"Is something wrong?" I asked directly, slight panic rousing within me.

"All is well, my dear," She assured me with a comforting laugh. "I just need you home right now."

"On my way."

After hanging up, I flicked the joint on the ground and snuffed it out with my dress shoe.

"Everything cool?" I heard Seungyoon ask out of concern.

"My mom just wants me home," I replied simply.

"I should get going too."

He stood up, grimacing when he got a whiff of himself.

"Fuck, I reek," He grunted while comically attempting to shake the odor from his clothing. "My parents will fucking murder me if they find out I smoked pot."

"Relax, golden boy," I smirked. "Even if you do get busted, it was worth it right?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"I do feel a little better."

"That's all that matters."

A final smile was exchanged between us, but as I turned around to depart, I heard him calling after me.

"Seulgi."

When I twisted around, I noticed that his once goofy expression had changed into one of stern seriousness.

"I won't give up on her."

My smile was wide.

"Neither will I."

With that said, we politely parted ways.

In my loneliness, I felt nothing but hatred and self-pity.

But now that the cloud of despair had been lifted, I could see the true colors of the people revolving in my life, free of judgment.

Damn.

What a bizarre existence we live.

I'm loving it more and more each second.

It feels good to be alive...

Filled with merriment, I entered my apartment and was appeased by how calm the atmosphere was.

"I'm home," I announced, expecting to find my mother on the couch waiting for me.

And in-line with my expectations, there she was, sitting comfortably on our ragged couch.

Except she wasn't alone.

Next to her sat a familiar figure whose dimwitted but loving grin made me want to punch and kiss him at the same time.

A shit-eating grin I've truly missed.

"Jaebum...?"

Jaebum's grin broadened as he slowly rose from the couch with his arms already open wide to receive me.

"Hi, Seully."

Slinging my bag aside, I immediately vaulted myself into his embrace. He stumbled back a bit following the impact, but he quickly recomposed himself and engulfed me in a snug near hug.

"Gee, what did I do to deserve this?" He gushed, squeezing me tighter. "You haven't hugged me like this since we were kids."

"Shut up..." I mumbled into his chest.

My big brother.

He came back.

Not out of pity or obligation—but because he loves me.

He loves me.

"You've been enjoying that little gift I gave you, huh?" He whispered spiritedly in my ear so that my mother wouldn't be able to hear him.

"Came in handy," I whispered back.

I was still a bit hazy due to my high but seeing Jaebum again sobered me straight on my toes.

"I missed you too, by the way," The silver-haired doofus said through an annoying giggle, his voice returning to its normal tone.

I lightly punched his left shoulder.

"Don't push it."

Laughing, he raised his hands in surrender.

"Okay, okay, but even if you can't admit it, I know it's true."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes but still kept my soft smile. "What are you doing back, anyway?"

"To see you, of course," He replied then draped his arm around our mother after she took her place beside him. "And to apologize to our creator for being such a brat."

"Was it accepted?" I asked my mother directly who responded by elbowing Jaebum's ribcage.

"He brought me flowers; how could I refuse?" She chortled.

It was rather enlivening to see that they were able to rectify the relationship damaging argument that occurred that horrifying night.

This is how it should be.

The three of us.

Together.

"So, how long are you staying?" I inquired.

His smile was contagious.

"A week."

"Good," I said enthusiastically, ensuring that I kept a fair distance from my mother to avoid her smelling the strong stench of weed that wafted off me. "We can plan to do something fun together before you leave."

"No need for that, Seully," He retorted.

"Why not?" I questioned with a frown. "You're always complaining about us not spending enough time together."

My mother and brother exchanged knowing glances before returning their attention to me.

"We'll have plenty of time together from now on."

I stared at them blankly.

There was something quite odd about their demeanor.

My mother kept her hands concealed behind her back, while Jaebum glanced intermittently between us in a somewhat nervous manner.

"...What do you mean by that?" I asked, eyeing them skeptically. "What's going on...?

Jaebum wasted no time in answering.

"I'm taking you back to California with me."

It never occurred to me that the human mind could naturally generate white noise.

Yet, the very moment those words were spoken into existence, my ears were ringing with its continuous loop of subtle static.

I'm confident I heard him correctly.

But I still couldn't help but wonder if my high had really wandered off or if its effects were now kicking into full horsepower.

"...W-What?" Was all I could manage to mutter as I mentally tried to regain control of my spiraling emotions.

America?

I've never been outside of Korea.

Here is all I've ever known.

The idea of moving so suddenly...

... Frightened me.

Sensing my sudden panic, Jaebum stepped forward and placed his hands securely on my shoulders.

"Seul, I know this is a lot to spring on you all at once," He said coolly, his firm grip aiding my nerves to become somewhat manageable once again. "But Ma and I have been talking it over for the last few weeks and we think it's for the best."

My mother swiftly stepped into action by revealing the yellow and blue patterned brochure she had kept hidden behind her back.

"There is a mental health facility in California, one that specializes in mental trauma," she explained in a gentle, caring tone while rifling through the pages of the brochure. "This place offers a wonderful educational program, so you'd be receiving treatment while also keeping up with your studies.

"T-Treatment?" I stammered, still petrified in place.

"There is no way I'm going to keep letting you loop around in suppression," Jaebum asserted sternly. "We need to get you help from actual professionals and staying in Korea is no good for you."

"I've learned this the hard way..." My mother chimed in, her gaze cutting hard to the ground briefly in what I assumed was to hide her flicker of shame. "Staying here with me hasn't helped at all, in fact, it's only made things worse. I let you go on pretending like that year never happened...but it did and just because you can't remember fully in detail doesn't mean it should continue to go untreated. Moving to America will give you a fresh start and you'll have Jaebum there to look out for you."

"Every step of the way," My older brother added melodiously.

I looked between the two of them.

I missed Jaebum.

Like crazy, I missed him.

Being with him now felt so damn euphoric, especially when just hours ago I wasn't even sure when I'd ever see him again.

The thought of being with him all the time delighted me.

But...

Was this worth uprooting my entire life and relocating to a foreign country away from my mother?

—From school?

...Irene?

The worst of the worst began to plague my thoughts.

"So... you want me to leave Korea...just so you can lock me away in some...institution?" I accused, feeling as if my legs would give out underneath me at any moment.

But Jaebum was there to keep me grounded.

"No way, it's nothing like that," he denied vehemently, removing his hands from me and taking the brochure from my mother. He began highlighting certain bulks of text with his index finger. "This place isn't an asylum. You won't live there. You'll be visiting regularly, in and out as you please. I've done a fuck load of research and even visited the place myself before flying back here. I really think it'd be great for you, Seully."

"We planned on using this week to work on getting your school records transferred, expediting a visiting visa then go through the proper channels to get you a permanent visa," My mother elucidated.

My eyes were glued to the brochure, soaking up all the fancy buildings and luxurious amenities it had to offer.

There was no way in hell my mother could afford this on her own.

"This looks really expensive..." I muttered.

"Don't worry about that," Jaebum confidently assured me. "My father is going to cover all expenses, including the new apartment you and I will live in."

My eyes widened in disbelief.

"Seungheon agreed to pay for my treatment?"

The bastard wanted my mother to abort me.

Why in the flying fuck would he pay for my therapy?

"Fuck no, he didn't. Not willingly at least," Jaebum snorted in disgust. "But I told him that if he didn't, I'm cutting him out of my life for good."

"But that's stupid!" I blurted out distraughtly. "What if he still said no?!"

"That man dragged me through pure hell for custody of this boy," My mother interjected with a gratified smile, lifting on her tippy toes to ruffle Jaebum's silver locks. "No was never an option."

"Besides, he's constantly bribing me to forgive all his wrongdoings with flashy cars and designer clothes," Jaebum scoffed. "Well, this time, I'm making him give me something I truly want and he better follow through if he ever wants to see his grandchild."

I gasped and glanced quickly at my mother to gauge her reaction to the baby bombshell, but she showed zero signs of distress.

"You told her already?"

"I didn't really have a choice," A chuckle escaped him as he shrugged nonchalantly. "Mina and I decided to keep the baby so we both came clean to our parents."

"And I'm not happy about it at all," The small woman replied with a sigh. "But I support his decision to take responsibility."

"Her father wants to mount my head over his fireplace but hey, I'm sure I can win him over when our kid is at least ten, right?" Jaebum quipped, impishly poking out his bottom lip.

I gawked helplessly.

This was completely insane.

Even though I knew Seungheon loved and cherished his only son, I never imagined that he would go to such great lengths to please him, let alone for Jaebum to sacrifice their relationship for my benefit.

"...You'd take this much of a risk... for me?"

He winked.

"You're worth it."

"... B-But what if I don't like it?" I asked meekly. "What if it doesn't work out?"

"No biggie," Jaebum shrugged, rocking on his heels with an easy-going smile as if he had already predicted my question. "We can always try another place till something sticks," "Plus, the joys of becoming an aunt should help keep things light and fun."

"We only want you to get better..." My mother replied while gently cradling my face with the palms of her smooth hands. "And to be happy."

"And we'd do anything for you to be happy again," Jaebum added cheerfully.

I looked at my mother, who was smiling but I could detect a hint of sadness in her worn eyes.

"But you'd be alone..."

"Oh, don't worry about me. I'll visit you guys as much as I can," Her hands slipped from my face to my shoulders and she squeezed them gently, her gaze falling on Jaebum proudly. "I've screwed up a lot of things, but I got it right bringing the two of you into this world."

Elation entrenched throughout my body.

"I... I don't know what to say..."

"Say yes," My brother encouraged me with bright, hopeful eyes.

Overwhelming emotion choked me up in knots.

My family, whom I've shunned for years—blamed—hated—suddenly put everything on the line to ensure that I receive professional treatment.

But could I really do it?

Could I really leave?

Leaving had several disadvantages—mainly being ripped away from the one person I desperately wished to call the love of my life one day...

But...

I can't do that unless I get help.

In America, I'd finally be getting proper therapy to help me deal with my deep seeded, Kyungri-centric trauma.

Jaebum would be able to be with me seven days a week, which would make up for all the time we lost together over the years.

And, as an added bonus, I'd be able to help raise my new niece or nephew.

I was scared to death.

So much, in fact, my answer was almost no.

Almost.

"I guess we can give it a try..."

There was a lively, exuberant glow in Jaebum's eyes.

"Fuck yeah!" The animated goofball rejoiced, picking me up and spinning me around in a circle.

"Get off, dummy," I giggled while playfully hitting his back with my fist.

"Never letting you go now!"

While continuing to frolic and goof off with each other, my mother loudly cleared her throat to catch our attention.

"Since we are all in such a great mood, I'm just going to pretend I don't smell what I know I'm smelling," My mother said slyly with a twisted smirk.

Jaebum's movements stopped abruptly with me still wrapped in his arms.

"Jae gave it to me," I defended myself while head-butting Jaebum who yelped in response.

"I never told you to blaze up after school, pothead!"

"You still gave it to me, idiot."

"Don't be a snitch!"

"Relax, my children," Our mother bolstered, pinching our cheeks in unison. "I said I'm ignoring it, but this is the only time, got it?"

"It really is his fault though."

"Shut up!"

As the afternoon progressed, the three of us enjoyed each other's company and discussed my move in greater detail.

My family.

A veil of fear shrouded my consciousness throughout the entirety of the week.

However, I didn't regret my decision for a single second.

There was no doubt in my mind that this was the best for me.

I'm worth it.

In preparation for the move, my mother arranged the transfer of my school records and rushed my travel visa, opting to foot the expedited fees herself rather than Jaebum's father.

I would occasionally see Seungyoon at school, and we would chat as casual acquaintances, which toed the line between extremely awkward and chill. Wendy and I also pretty much kept up the same dynamic though things between us were a lot more comfortable and lighthearted when Irene was involved.

Irene.

Oh, Irene.

I fucking drowned myself in her.

We basically became shadows of each other—couldn't catch me without her and vice versa.

She never questioned it, just coasted along with me.

We spent nearly every waking hour together aside from when we were apart during class.

A quick on-the-go breakfast during our walks to school.

Secret lunches on the rooftop where we could be alone.

And then dinners, at my place.

In shame of not being able to match up to her luxurious lifestyle, I never thought I'd allow her to visit my home.

Typically, Irene didn't give a damn.

She wanted to see where I came from—meet my family.

And who was I to deny her of that?

She and my mother got along great. Irene is an old soul at heart so she held conversations with my mother like a pro.

Jaebum took one look at Irene and knew right away what she meant to me. It worried him in a way.

"Are you sure you're okay with leaving someone like her behind, Seully?"

I wasn't.

In any way.

But this was about my journey to healing.

Even with that in mind, it didn't make it any easier.

My departure was rapidly approaching and she still hadn't a clue.

Regardless of how much I enjoyed spending time with her, my thoughts were only focused on the pain of leaving her.

Fuck—I know I'm being unfair by protecting her from the truth but each time I thought I had the right words or timing, she'd give me that fucking intoxicating smile that made me want to surrender all my human rights—

—And I'd be back at square one.

I had to tell her.

If she heard it from someone else, I'd never forgive myself...

It has to come from me.

During class two days prior to my move, I discreetly pulled out my phone to send a quick text message to Irene.

Bae. Wanna go out for ice cream?

-Seulgi

My phone buzzed with a response seconds later.

Depends, Kang. You paying?

-Irene

Would I offer if I wasn't? 😐

-Seulgi

So, then... it's a date? 😊

-Irene

My smile softened.

It's a date.

-Seulgi

Chuckling, I tucked my cell back into my blazer and anxiously waited for the end of the school day.

We met at the front gates.

"Hey, lover," My green-eyed goddess greeted while eagerly striding up to me, placing a smooth as fuck peck on my cheek.

My face tinged with a maddening blush.

It felt deliriously good to be seen with her so openly, but it was still weird as hell to show public affection for her—at least in school. Perhaps it was because I was respectful of Seungyoon or because I was unfamiliar with being this cheesy and soft with... anyone.

"Hi, friend," I goaded, politely presenting my arm to her which she responded by instantly hooking her arm through mine.

"So, where are you taking me?" Irene asked excitedly while bouncing on my arm, schoolbag bobbing in sync with her movements.

"Just a dinky ice cream stand at the park," I said, promptly steering us on course.

"Fancy," She joked blithely. "What's the occasion?"

A wad of nerves ached my throat as I gulped down the bitterness caked in my mouth.

"I just want to be with you..."

Her reply almost caused my knees to give way.

"I'm all yours."

Emblematic for a weekday afternoon, there were few people in the park. Children played and laughed with their parents lingering in the distance, while others jogged or walked their dogs. Irene and I quickly made our way to the ice cream stand where I shelled out five bucks for two-scoop chocolate and vanilla cones with rainbow sprinkles—Irene's special preference.

"For you, my lady," I grinned, handing her the chocolate cone while keeping the vanilla for myself.

"I usually take my ice cream in a bowl with a waffle cone and hot fudge," She jested with a teasing wink. "But this will do."

I shook my head.

"Such a princess."

"You love it," She hummed happily and took my hand to lead me to the nearest picnic table.

We both hobbled up on the tabletop comfortably, inattentively licking at our cones and soaking in the peaceful afternoon scenery.

Minutes later, I felt Irene's thigh brush against mine gently.

"You need to tell me something."

"That obvious, huh?" I chuckled while slurping up my vanilla treat which had already begun to melt onto my hand.

"You scrunch your nose when you're anxious," She replied, lightly flicking my nose to indicate the source. "It's super adorable."

"Oh, whatever..." I dismissed shyly.

Silence took hold of us again.

My heart thumped in my chest like a tribal drum.

Fuck.

I didn't want to leave her—I can't.

The thought of being without her was unbearable.

I'd miss that soul-stealing smile.

Her infectious laugh.

Her eyes...

Those eyes...

Green.

Like emerald fire...

...Like

...Like hers.

Kyungri.

Right.

This wasn't just about me after all.

If I can eliminate Kyungri from my system...then maybe Irene won't keep thinking of herself as a replacement. Although she downplayed her outburst, I knew she was still deeply hurt by the obvious comparison.

And I wouldn't be here to unpack that with her.

Fuck....

The drastic decline in my mood must have been apparent to Irene for her free hand suddenly placed on mine to settle me.

"Baby...it's okay..." She whispered sweetly. "Whatever it is...we can overcome it together..."

It was as if she already knew what was going to happen.

"W-What if we...can't be together...?" I stammered, feeling myself growing emotionally unbalanced.

The squeeze she applied to my hand brought me back to a state of calm.

"...If that's the case...then I don't want to hear it just yet," She murmured, giving her cone a few licks before turning to me. "Let's start with some good news first."

My sadness began to fade when the subject shifted in a positive direction.

"Good news?"

Her cherry lips were coated with ice cream for a moment's worth before she licked it away in a skillful sweep of her tongue, sporting a sweet and vibrant smile.

"Wendy let me tell my parents."

My eyes expanded in astonishment.

"Really? She changed her mind?"

Irene was hellbent on keeping Wendy's gruesome abuse a secret from her parents, at the request of the latter.

I wonder what changed?

I never dared to speak a word about it to Wendy—mainly because I still felt like I had no real right to know something so personal.

But if there could have been anyone to convince Wendy to reveal the truth, it certainly would be Irene.

"It took a lot of convincing... like hours... she got really angry with me for bringing it up again... insults were thrown... tears were shed... but eventually, I got through to her... we ended up telling them together."

"... How did they react?" I asked cautiously.

"Well, before we actually told them..." She wrinkled her nose cutely. "I kinda cussed them out first."

"No way," I gasped.

"I let them fucking have it, Seulgi," She giggled. "Wendy wanted no part of it but if I wanted to preach to her about having the courage to speak up, I had to set an example. I slammed them with years of pent-up frustration. I'm pretty sure I called my mother a heartless bitch—which I normally would never speak to her like that but it was like I was possessed. I told them how terrible they've been to me, Wendy, our staff, and each other. I told them that if they hated each other so much, then they should just get a divorce instead of pretending for me because I'm so goddamn sick of fucking pretending."

Damn.

I didn't think she had it in her.

Having regained the power that had been stripped from her by her parents for most of her youth, Irene was now able to freely unleash her rage upon them.

She made me proud.

"So... what did they do?" I asked.

"They listened," Her voice quivered with emotion as she spoke, a triumphant smile ghosting at her lips. "They let me yell, scream, curse, and just....listened. Afterward, I thought perhaps they would scold or ground me for acting like a deranged twat...but they didn't. The first thing to come out of my mother's mouth... was an apology," Irene paused momentarily, a faraway look glazing her jade eyes. "She apologized for making me feel so alone and for making me feel like I couldn't come to her as a mother. My father did the same... he told me they should have discussed their marital problems openly with me. I was so...shocked. They've never apologized to me for anything in my entire life... I was so afraid to not be perfect for them and there they were, telling me I never had to be... of course, nothing will change overnight but the fact that they are willing to modify their ways for me...feels so good. It's crazy how much a simple conversation can alter your life when you just tell someone how you're feeling."

True.

My conversation with Seungyoon illustrated exactly that.

It's not always what's on the surface that counts.

"So after all that, you and Wendy told them about the abuse...?"

She nodded.

"My mother was overall disturbed and apologized again for treating Wendy the way she has. My father wanted to call the police immediately, but I talked him down. It's best to handle it in a way that's safest for Wendy. It's nice that I no longer have to sneak her around. They say I can let her stay as long as she wants. It's like a weight off my shoulders...I'm happy that we can start fixing this..."

"That's so good Irene..." I sighed heavily, vanilla cream continuing to leak down onto my hand due to neglect. "Really, really good..."

I meant it.

It really was good news.

But then, like a freight train, reality slammed into me.

I'm leaving.

"Okay," Irene said in a controlled and steady tone. "Let's hear it."

Twenty seconds of courage was all it took.

"I'm moving to California."

The silence that followed after those seconds of courage dissipated was hellish.

We just sat there.

A gentle breeze caressed our faces as we wordlessly watched over the park, finishing our ice cream and observing other park goers enjoying themselves.

Seconds turned to minutes which warily teetered into an hour.

But she didn't let it carry on for long.

"California..." Irene repeated carefully, almost as if the word was foreign to her. "That's... that's a long, long way out..."

"My brother attends university there," I hastily offered in explanation. "The day he came back to Korea, he told me he wants me to move there with him..."

Her pained gaze set on me intently.

Eyes of jade... so soft and inviting...

I'll miss those fucking eyes...

"My mother and Jaebum want me to get treatment at this fancy mental health facility there, said it's one of the best in the country..."

She blinked at me, mystified.

"Wait...you're leaving to get help?"

"Yeah, I—" I began to say but was cut off abruptly by a pair of arms wrapping themselves tightly around my neck.

"That's great news..." She whispered faintly in my ear, tucking me closer into her warmth. "I'm so happy for you..."

"Y-You're not mad...?"I mumbled timidly.

She pulled away from me in pure confusion.

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because for a whole week... I deceived you into thinking we'd always be together..." I croaked through a small sob, hot tears brimming the rims of my eyes, threatening to overflow.

"Seulgi..." Irene nested her soft hands under my chin. "This was never about me, okay? As long as I know you're getting the help you need, my feelings about you leaving don't even matter. Therapy will be great for you..."

"I'm so scared..." I admitted with my sadden gaze still locked with hers. "I've never done therapy before, I don't know how I'll react to it..."

A moist pair of lips pressed themselves tenderly against mine in an attempt to soothe me.

It worked.

"It'll take time but sooner or later, it will be less scary, trust me. Time will ease everything."

"...You think so?"

Her answer was a reconnection of our lips.

I'll miss you...I'll miss you...

Our kiss was slow.

Innocent.

Our kiss was gentle.

Beautiful.

And oh so very... sad.

This sadness coerced her to suddenly pull away from me, and straightaway I noticed that her cheeks were stained with tears.

It broke my fucking heart.

"I'm sorry...I-I'm trying to be strong for you..." She sniffed, smiling bright and wide through her sorrow. "I was just thinking that... in the beginning, all I wanted was for you to just go away and get out of my life... but now that it's actually happening... I..."

"You don't have to explain it..." I hushed her, stroking her wet cheeks with my thumbs. "And you don't have to be strong for me... you said it'd be okay, now I know it will..."

"What if you forget me?" She laughed dejectedly, her nimble fingers now wiping away the unbridled tears freely flowing down my face. "Like how you forgot her...?"

"I wanted to forget her," My nose nuzzled against hers affectionately. "I could never forget you."

Never.

The kiss was rekindled as we leaned back into each other's warmth.

She tasted of love and chocolate—my favorite combination.

We entwined our lips in a sensual dance that began innocently but gradually increased in heated desire once our tongues got involved.

While pulling away, she stared at me hungrily, licking her lips with a sexy, almost erotic look that made my entire body tingle.

"If I didn't have any sense..." There was a low, husky growl in her tone. "I'd take you one last time on this picnic table..."

I squirmed at her words.

"Don't talk like that..." I panted heavily, pushing our foreheads together harder with my yearning for her jolting unexpectedly between my legs. "You're making me horny..."

This seemed a little strange considering that we had just been crying our eyes out.

But hey.

That was us.

"Oh, right," Irene boasted conceitedly, quickly pulling away from our heat to outstretch her arms as if she'd just run a tiring marathon. "We're just friends."

"Your choice by the way," I reminded her with a gentle nudge, to which she responded with an airy laugh.

"True, I don't think it's healthy for you to be having sex right now, I'll stand by that."

"So why in the hell did you just imply you wanted to fuck me on this picnic table?" I pretended to pout, my ears flushing with my aroused thoughts.

"Because I love making you blush," She snickered.

"Okay then, friend, no sex," I said cheekily. "Same goes for you."

"Oh, trust me, my legs are staying closed from now on," She guaranteed, sealing the deal with a feathery kiss. "Until you come back to me..."

I threaded our fingers together.

"Wait for me then."

"I will."

With her head taking rest on my shoulder, she snuggled in close to me.

This is love.

"I'd wait for you forever..."