Confessions & Caskets

While their awaiting word from doctors, Felix suggests they do something to celebrate Suengmin's release after finding out that he'd be okay.

They decide on a game night on Seungmin's discharge day. His nurses and doctors put him on house arrest, so no work or practice for a few more days post discharge. Because of this, the boys are taking care of his shopping and school stuff, helping him to get everything back in order. Seungmin was also advised to quit his job if he wanted to continue cheer and studying law. So Jisung takes his release forms up to the restaurant for him.

He isn't thrilled about not being able to keep working, his rented studio and weekly grocery shopping for his dorm certainly not going to fare well with the loss, but his health has to come first. In time, he will figure it out. But for now, like Nurse Nina had said, no amount of success is worth his life. He got lucky last time, but if anything along the lines of his hospital trip were to happen again the odds may not be in his favor next time. So sacrifices have to be made.

"Ordered sweets since hyung is cooking! I got all you guy's favorites, AND I got tequilaaaaa. " Jisung says that night. When himself, Felix, Hyunjin and Seungmin are gathered in Changbin's apartment, music playing as they organize card and board games in the living room, Minho cooking in the kitchen.

Changbin insisted Seungmins game night be at his and Minho's apartment, since their dorms don't have the space for all of them, and to make sure while Seungmin is on lockdown he's actually relaxed and comfortable during his first night out of the hospital. Damn alpha's and their protective urges. Yet, he agreed, because after being under such stress for so many weeks at a time, it was nice to be taken care of. Even if it is kind of like being babysat.

Minho helped Seungmin with getting back on his feet, assisting him with walks around the hospital to get his body working again for his remaining days, even carrying him up and down the apartment's stairs. He also shook the omegas walker to scare the shit out of him at least 4 times when he was still checked in at the hospital, because he has to fuck with Seungmin, or he'll explode.

Felix was reassurance. The entire time he was recovering, he told Seungmin there would be a place waiting for him on the team only when he was at 100%. And that he was still beautiful despite missing his monthly haircut and being pale as a ghost from lack of food. I meant all the more when he felt like he was at his lowest. Though it's much harder to hide his speeding heartbeat when he's hooked up to a monitor. That was the most traumatizing part of it all.

The 6 of them are deep into a game of uno, Minho kicking everyone's ass and Seungmin hot on his heels –no doubt cheating– when someone knocks at the front door. The group freezes upon hearing the noise, every head whipping around to look in the direction, then at each other in question before it comes again.

Changbin stands from his spot on the floor, approaching the door and swinging it open to find a shy Chan standing in the hallway. "Heyy hyung! What are you doin here? Come on in." Changbin smiles, stepping out of the way to let the older male in, Chan returning the warmth as he enters, soju clutched under his arm.

"Alcohol!" Jisung cheers, making grabby hands towards the bottle as Chan comes closer. "Hey guys, Felix invited me. And Seungmin told me I could swing by, I wasn't gonna come at first, but you know how convincing he can be." He chuckles, suddenly Seungmin feels dread at having considered the alpha.

Felix invited him? To his game night? Why?? Overall, Seungmin has no problem with him coming. He's actually starting to like him. But why had Felix of all people invited him? And why had Chan only decided to show up when Yonbok asked him? Kind of fucked up if you asked Seungmin.

As the rooms other occupants chat, Seungmin realizes he's staring. He quickly averts his eyes, trying to blink away his negative thoughts. Tonight was supposed to be a fun evening for rejuvenation and quality time, Chan is here, does it matter so much by who's request?

'No. It doesn't. Just have fun.' the omega tells himself, taking a deep breath in and letting a large exhale out. For a while, he does just that, the thought forgotten. The consideration for Chan's invitation forgotten.

When the entire group gangs up on him with a horrifyingly coordinated repeat of thrown plus fours, Seungmin slams his pile down, demanding they restart and begin a new game for Chan."You're so full of shit, Minnie." Changbin groans."Sore loser much?" Minho teases.

"Hey! I'm not on my A game, I just got out of a coma I'll have you know. This is unfair, this game takes steady cognitive function." Seungmin defends."Which we all know you don't have." Minho tells him, the group giggling."This is bullying! My cognitive function was interrupted! For a week! Rematch or it never happened."

"That's so petty, Simmie. You do know you can't restart just because you suck!" Jisung joins in."Yeah. You holding half the deck has nothing to do with us." Hyunjin agrees, adding fuel to the fire lit beneath Kim Seungmin's ass.

"All of you can fuck yourselves actually." Seungmin makes a heart with his hands, just to be a little shit. "We're starting over!" he insists, snatching the stacks from each of them one by one and failing terribly at shuffling them, the group laughing at his demise. He gives the stack to Chan, who does it perfectly, much to the destruction of Seungmin's pride, the others telling him his playing is almost as bad as his deck handling.

"I hope all of your knots ache and cramp." Seungmin wishes as Chan is passing out the cards. "Hey hey hey! Knot aches are very real and very painful." Felix laughs, mildly offended. "I'll make sure to put it on my Christmas list, and slip Santa a little bit of substance to get it through." Seungmin doesn't miss a beat.

"If I said I hope your slick clots I'd be wrong." Minho adds."Oh fuck off hyung." He shoots back.

"Alrighttt, how bout we play roulette this time? Which means instead of one winner there's one loser, and everyone drops from the game as they claim victory." Chan explains, hums of agreement coming from amongst the table.

"Bet someone 50 it's gonna be the dog." Minho says, situating his cards in his hold. "I'll bet on Seungminnie. I think he'll get at least fourth." Felix bargains. "Look! At least Lix believes in me! The rest of you are vultures." "What about me??" hyunjin looks comically heartbroken at the claim, dramatic as always. "Last time I checked you were the first one to trigger that wave of plus fours last round, you're the worst of them."

Hyunjin gasps exaggeratedly, whipping his head around to look at the omega. "How was I supposed to know it would make it all the way back to you Minnie! That's so unfair!""What's unfair is how I'm about to smoke all of you." Changbin chimes in, placing down the first card and kicking off the game.

After nearly 2 hours of repeated offenses, friend turning on friend, Minho and Chan are the first to win. Chan excuses himself to the restroom while Hyunjin and Seungmin are neck and neck, both constantly adding and removing from their remaining card, just shy of a victorious 'Uno!' that will claim third place victory.

Regrettably, Felix gets there first, yelling righteously and earning groans from the rest of them who can't seem to get as lucky. Right after the blondes finish, Seungmin's vision begins to spot, the room bursting with white and black splotches. His thoughts are horribly unsteady as the post coma symptoms Nurse Nina warned him about take over, scaring the living crap out of him for the few seconds they exist, despite this not being the first time it's happened.

"Dammit.." he curses quietly, Changbin looks over at him, noticing the fatigue, helping him ground his swaying with a gentle yet steady hand around his shoulders. "Your medicine is on the bathroom counter, I'll go get it." Minho says, placing his cards down."No no, I got it. I'm alright hyung. You've done enough for me tonight ahjussi. I've got to figure out how to do it myself eventually." He smirks at the others' annoyed expression. " Thanks anyways."

Seungmin's spotted vision and post coma stress don't allow him to take into account the fewer bodies in the room before he leaves it, treading down the hall slowly and carefully towards the bathroom. By time his lack of awareness fades, he's already entered the space, no consideration for the light being already on.

In the bathroom, in a fucked up and familiar display of scenery, Felix and Chan are once again pressed together, pulled apart only by Seungmin's accidental discovery of them. This time around though, Seungmins take on it is much more aggressive than it had been the first time. Not only because this has happened before, but also because realistically, this is not the time or place for this. Here? Now? For fucks sake. Was whatever they have going on that important?

Without the broken heart of a man scorned, and more so the rage of a women fed up, Seungmins brain to mouth filter disappears, not that it was all that present before."Seriously? Get a fucking room." he spits, walking deeper into the place without batting an eye, bending down to the floor to pick up his bottle of medicine that they no doubt knocked down while sucking each others faces.

The more fragile emotion only presents itself above the irritation when he smells their combined scents again, and he's reminded why he's so fed up with it in the first place. Seungmin can feel his throat tightening, he swallows, quickly exiting the bathroom and making sure to slam the door shut behind him as he goes.

"And learn to lock the damn door!" He adds from the other side. He wasn't gonna act like this didn't bother him this time. He has the right now, because tonight was to be for him. Quality time. If you only wanted to suck face why do it here? In the middle of something important? Bullshit. He wasn't dealing with this right now. He's not supposed to be stressing or upset, such emotions can worsen his post coma symptoms, but he doesn't have much of a choice at the moment.

The worst part? Felix knew that. Maybe he wasn't aware seeing him and Chan together would worsen Seungmins mood but still, time and place. Common sense amongst decency maybe?

As Seungmin stomps through the living room, he approaches the front door, putting his shoes on and hooking his bag over his shoulder, the rest of them turn to look at him, looks of confusion on their faces at his frantic movements.

"Seungmin? What happened?" Jisung asks first."I'm leaving." he states simply, struggling to get his second shoe on when a wave of dizziness takes him hostage, Minho is behind him in a second, catching his weight and setting him down on one of the bar chairs. "Alright, Seungmo, if you really wanna go I'll take you back, but slow down. Your gonna overdo it." Minho tells him, kneeling at his feet to finish putting on his second shoe for him.

"Wait! Minnie you can't leave. Tonight is for you!" Hyunjin pleads, hanging over the back of the couch with pinched eyebrows in identical fashion to Jisung. "Yeah. Are you okay??" Jisung begs, the pair seem genuinely upset by his early departure, Seungmin hates how he feels bad on top of already feeling whatever it is he's harboring for Felix, but he can't help it. His whole being just feels so... fragile.It's a reality he despises, sad yet true.

He isn't safe in a studio with Jisung, or on a bike with Minho, or in his nest with Hyunjin. He's in the open, endangered and quaking in front of everyone. This is the opposite of the night of comfort he was promised.

When Seungmin hears the bathroom dorm open down the hall, he swings the front door open without another moments hesitation. If any of them wanted answers, they got it when Felix came out of the restroom, trailed by Chan and calling Seungmins name as he and Minho head out the door.

"Hey hey hey! Where are you going? Game Night hasn't even started!" Felix calls, but Seungmin keeps walking. He doesn't have the tolerance to stomach this. "I'll be downstairs." Minho tells him, patting his butt before descending the steps.

"Seungmin!" The blonde calls again, this time he doesn't accept ignorance as an answer, he grabs the others arm and whips him around, the strength in his tiny body still never fails to amaze Seungmin, as well impress his omega.

"This isn't about you, Lix. Well- it is- but it-..." Seungmin sighs, frustrated tears starting to well in his eye sockets. His attempt at trying not to be an ass is dwindling. "It isn't your responsibility! It's not your fault and I've tried to ignore it for your sake but being in the same vicinity as you only makes it worse! I can't keep subjecting myself to this. I don't want to. I shouldn't have to. I didn't ask for this. I wanna go home.." Seungmin rants, staring down at the pavement.

"What do you mean this. Seungmin?? If you have something to say then say it!" "I don't! I don't have anything to say. I just wanna go home!" Seungmin had to get out of there, and fast. His words were beginning to choke off, making him feel like he couldn't breathe. People say love is a beautiful thing, but right now it's only causing him to feel like he's being strangled, by a powerful and ugly emotion.

Felix looks frustrated, tiny hands gripping into fists as his expression turns into something angry and irritated. "We are adults, Seungmin." Felix starts, approaching the omega in a way that exhibits repressed aggression. He doesn't think he's ever seen such body language be expressed by the community's sunshine.

"Kim Seungmin, the law student who despite his subgender, is top of his class. All his assignments get turned in on time, all his classes have perfectly kept attendance. He's intelligent, he's beautiful." The itty bitty alpha says as he closes in on the other, pacing a circle around the taller boy. Seungmin feels like a victim.

"Punctual, hardworking, strong willed, bold." Felix continues, stopping when he comes face to face with the other again. "He's a fake."

Seungmin feels a now familiar ball of irritation materialize in his chest as anger rips through him. How dare he say that to him? It's purposely fucking insulting. For Felix, such a sweet soul, and Seungmin's soft spot, to discredit the reputation he worked his whole college life to create.

"You want everyone to believe that omega's can be strong individuals, who are confident in themselves and independent enough to build their lives using their own intelligence and skills. Because they've got both, just  like everybody else does. But you're doing the opposite. You major in law to prove a point, to show everyone that you can. But not because you want to. This was never about you. Nothing ever is. You can't ever let yourself have anything. You can't let yourself be happy, or celebrate the accomplishments you've made. Because you can't seem to appreciate what you are and what you have with how caught up you've been in what everyone else might think and what stereotypes you might fall into. You're so caught up in being the omega who breaks them, proving everyone wrong. You're forgetting that it's not about proving society wrong, it's about having the power and the choice to be who you are and choose what you want. You can't let yourself have your passion, you can't let yourself have a break, you can't let yourself admit you love me! And it's driving the both of us insane!"

Felix is shaking in frustration and Seungmin is shaking in shame, simply listening as the other man judges his entire being. He knows the blonde is purposely controlling his volume because they're in an apartment complex, but he's still surprised nobodys exited their homesto see them both having a showdown in the middle of the sidewalk.

"The reality of it all, is that your subgender shouldn't have ever mattered from the beginning! You preach omega's can do this and that and be this and that but omega, alpha and beta is only a form of identification! Not a definition! But you're too blinded by sub gender politics to understand that. Too blinded by goals to enjoy the journey. It's no longer affecting just you though, it's making me suffer as well. This whole time I just know you've been chanting in your head "I'm in love with an alpha" over and over again. Why does it matter that I'm an alpha??  I thought when I first realized your crush after we met in the first year you'd grow out of this, but here we are! 2 years later. And you're still focused on the wrong thing."

Felix's words are burning holes in Seungmin's being, not only because they are hurtful, but because they are true. And it seems everything he's avoided talking about in the past 2 years since becoming a student here has caught up to him, and been dumped over his head like a bucket of freezing cold water.

"Life is more than a chore, or a political argument, Mimi. It's about living, not survival. We aren't segregated animals. And I won't indulge into whatever's going on between us if you refuse to acknowledge that. We're both suffering here for no reason! Because you can't get your head out of your ass!" Felix punctuates his sentence with a desperate exhale, like he's been holding this back a long time.

Maybe it's because Seungmin has been so crippled under the weight of being in love that he hadn't noticed when Felix caught onto the fact that he was falling hard, or that he could see his insecurities and flaws as clear as plexy class.

But who was Felix to sit in his face and tell him he needed to change? All his talk of realization and maturity, about not actually being honest when he'd seen a locked door and withheld the key until today, when the beating coming from the other side disturbed his peace.

Seungmin isn't a fool, and maybe he isn't the enlightened and rule breaking omega he wanted to be, but he wasn't selfish. He sure as hell didn't invite his sex buddy to a get together meant for his sick friend, make out with him there, and then trash the ambitions of said sick friend knowing he had a crush on him. Only to tell him he was too much of a shipwreck for me to reciprocate. No over exaggerations.  "So what? You get to come out here and yell at me for my poor life decisions? I'm sorry your so perfect and confident that you have to rub your wise knowledge in my face, since I'm such a fucking disaster! We can't all be perfect sunshine boys, with everything figured out and everyone worshipping us. Maybe I've got shit to learn, and maybe that really does mean I'm not ready to be with you, but I'll be damned if your gonna sit here and lecture me for being the human you just went out of your way to claim I should realize I am. Fuck you! Go back making out with your beefy alpha boyfriend at my fucking gamenight and stop pretending like you care."--

Felix is the one who looks hurt now, eyes wide and sparkling as he listens to Seungmin give shit as well as he takes it. He tries to speak, but the omega doesn't let him get a word in.

—"You do realize that you only think life isn't defined by subgender because you're on the other side of it. You're an alpha, you always have it good. Everybody respects you, everybody sees you on the higher side of the food chain. You can do what you want cause when an alpha does it their a boss, and admirably strong willed. When an omega does it, they're insolent and sassy. Their disobedient. It's wrong because for some reason that's out of place. I'm sorry for trying  to stand for something."--

– "Being in love with you is exhausting, you purposely ignore my feelings for you and don't lift a fucking finger to assist me where you know I could use it just because you feel like I was too dense about my own life?" Seungmin scoffs. "Some friend you're supposed to be. In love with you or not, I would have helped you. And I certainly wouldn't have made it harder. If you knew I liked you it only makes sense you knew I didn't mean to agree to join the team. You were also aware I had a law degree to earn. Ridiculous! I thought you cared about me, but it's clear you just feel sorry for me. And you know what? I don't need your pity. I'm going back to my dorm. Enjoy the night you purposely ruined for me, Yongbok. I hope you were satisfied. Since clearly that's all you've been chasing the past 2 years."

With that, Seungmin marches off into the night, he only lets his tears fall down his cheeks once his back is to Felix, who this time says nothing and does nothing while Seungmin flees, cursing under his breath. As he gets farther from the alpha, his wails and sniffles get more aggressive. There's so much happening to him internally as he walks. Humiliation, longing, the yearning his omega is doing from within himself. When he climbs on Minho's bike, his hyung doesn't tease, just rubs his thigh as he cries. Unlike someone, Minho actually understands the baggage of the term time and place.

"I'll have Binne clear the others out, so we can just go for a drive and you can stay with us tonight. I'll tell Jisung and Hyunjin." He says. Seungmin cuddles into his frame, simply nodding as they pull off into the night.

࣪ ִֶָ☾.

Despite how he feels, Seungmin has to return to his dorm at some point. And he will. When he's ready to. Upon doctor's instructions, Seungmin isn't to return to school until his post coma symptoms lessen. Apparently he's a fall hazard.

Thanks to his hospital receipts, all his absences are excused, so his perfect attendance is more or less still flawless. But it's the material he feels like he's lacking, the education he's supposed to be getting to rightfully be called a law student that he's missing out on.

Typically, Seungmin would be itching to return to his classes and show up every alpha in a 100 foot radius, but surprisingly enough, he isn't eager to get back. He's excited to be spending his time watching fashion shows and designing, taking trips to his tiny storage studio to bring his work to life, sending Changbin and Minho to their classes in his new pieces, using them as his own personal models.

He's never liked law, and he doesn't want to confront the root of that feeling, knowing he'll encounter the memory of Felix's words if he digs too deep. It's shameful to know he was so right about Seungmin, to be aware that his reason for ignoring his feelings was so valid.

"You major in law to prove a point, to show everyone that you can. But not because you want to. This was never about you. Nothing ever is. You can't ever let yourself have anything. You can't let yourself be happy, or celebrate the accomplishments you've made. Because you can't seem to appreciate what you are and what you have with how caught up you've been in what everyone else might think and what stereotypes you might fall into."

Ouch. It was a solid and nasty read. Seungmin hates how true it is. But despite the faithful nature of the statement –and everything else Felix said– Seungmin still refuses to call or speak  to him. He's considering quitting the cheer team as well. He's already missed 'So You Think You Can Cheer' preliminaries due to his coma.

Not only because he doesn't wanna be associated with a certain alpha, but also out of fear of fucking up the teams momentum with his healing process. Seungmin knows healing is slow, and it can't be helped, he's human. But it takes a lot of patience that the law student doesn't know if he has.

Soon enough, he goes back to his dorm to work towards picking his life back up once he's better, and despite his want to just be at peace, Seungmin can't seem to catch a break. Not even with who he thought would help him adjust to life after such a hard journey. Crush, workload, coma, healing. Why can't he just relax for one day with his best friends?

"I know you and Lix are really into it right now. But I feel like you guys should make up." Jisung makes the mistake of saying when Seungmin comes around.

Irritation strikes through Seungmin's chest like a sword. It's fast, hot, and aggressive. He whips his head around to look at the beta, who visibly recoils at the reactions he's having. Seungmin prays that he's misheard him.

"What the hell is your problem, Jisung?" The other is seems taken aback by the harsh use of his actual name, but Seungmin doesn't let up. He doesn't have time for this, what type of friend of his just tries to blow past what's happening like it's a debate about an irrelevant topic? We're talking about his feelings for the past 2 years being neglected for absolutely no reason. And if there was a reason, it was a petty one.

"So you really meant it when you said you won't take sides? It makes me wonder, did you know Felix was ignoring my feelings cause he thought I was too shallow to be with him?"

"You were too– what? It wasn't like that. He was just-""He was just what??  Are you finally going to tell me what it's like on the other side? Now that I've already worked myself to the bone while trying to be better? Now that I've already caught him sucking face with Chris at the game night that was made to nurse me back to health? "

Jisung bites his lip at that, his own building fury quickly coming to a halt when the omega makes a valid point.

Seungmin is angry, yet his tone is surprisingly even, though his face is pulled to express nothing but pure ache. It hurts. It all hurts. Seungmin can't believe that Jisung was trying to defend Felix at a time like this. He didn't even give him time to just be angry. Well, maybe he did. But who was he to be rushing Seungmin to forgive? After all, he lives with Felix. There's no way he just didn't know anything. Not to mention past conversations hinting at him being more than he let on.

"Minnie, come on. He just wants the best for you. The both of y-""You know what, Jinnie." Seungmin slams his iPad shut. The design he was working on suddenly disintegrating to nothing but forgotten deja vu with the fire of his sudden developing attitude. "I'm just gonna go home. I don't feel like hearing this. It's too early and too late at the same time. I'm leaving." the omega announces, shoving his things in his tote and taking his bag full of clothes, at which he had brought back to their dorm with him, before he slips into his shoes.

"But Minnie!" Hyunjin pouts, looking hurt. Seungmin shoves down whatever pangs in his chest at the pairs matching expressions of disappointment. "This is your home." Jisung finishes for the other beta.

"Yeah.. well you guys aren't making it feel like one."

࣪ ִֶָ☾.

Unfortunately for him, over the weeks his symptoms don't seem to be lessening. Fatigue still takes him down a couple times a day, he still passes out from what the doctors tell him is autonomic dysfunction. Which they don't think is permanent. But their uncertainty on the subject is not comforting.

It's only when a month has passed and he hasn't been able to go back to school that Seungmin returns to the doctor again, fed up with his own lack of function. He expects to be released after an hour or so by his usual doctor. But oddly enough, it's not only Nurse Nina who enters, but Doctor Phillip as well. Apparently he was the one who helped Nurse Nina diagnose Seungmin with UDOS. And now he's here. Once again, when Seungmin is supposed to be told his healing process is going well. The omega's heart immediately drops into his stomach when he sees the expressions on their faces.

"What the hell is going on.." Seungmin sighs, usually he'd have a lot more patience and respect for the people taking care of him. But Seungmin is tired. He's so tired. And it seems things just keep getting worse.

"Seungmin." Nurse Nina starts, they've become friendly with one another, which is probably why she's the one breaking whatever news this is to him. "We thought your symptoms were simply the side effects of your concussion and coma. But it turns out the fall you had was a lot worse than you think, and you were a lot more exhausted when it happened than we could have thought."

Seungmin takes a deep breath in, releasing it slowly and gradually, attempting to calm his aggressively beating heart.

"Your fall, when you hit the ground, didn't only affect your parietal lobe, but also your autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary bodily functions like heart rate and blood pressure. In short, you have a fainting disorder. Your fatigue isn't just plain old side effects, your losing consciousness for minutes at a time. You don't notice because you've been tucked away from activity, but it's a potentially dangerous condition. The official term for it is POT's. It usually is due to overactive nervous systems that are naturally developed, but you've adopted this symptom after awaking from your coma. Which in turn has given you said condition."

Seungmin stares at the women wide eyed, unsure of how to go about this situation. So that's it? He just had to live with a fainting condition for god knows how long? Unsure of if he'd ever go back to normal or heal fully from his accident? When that's all it was from the start; a simple accident.

"Look at it this way, Seungmin." Nina draws closer as Doctor Phillip turns to leave them to themselves. "That fall you had could have been fatal. But it wasn't. You woke up. With a few new inconvenient side effects, yes. But you're alive. And this is a reminder. It's telling you to live everyday to the fullest, and to be happy. You have no idea when it could all come to an end. So you have to make the best of it.