✮⋆˙ Pretending

TW: Mentions of Self-harm and SA

★ TUESDAY 11th JANUARY ★

WAKING UP WITH STIFF LIMBS, I reluctantly pulled myself out of my makeshift bed in the bath

My two ferrets were already wide awake, well I mean Siddy was, Duffy was just lying there staring at me

"Good morning, eager beaver" I chuckled, picking Siddy up out of his cage and scooping up a relaxing Duffy as well "And good morning to you, mr. grumps"

Humming a song as I made my way back into my room, carefully plopping down my two ferrets on my bed before making my way to my dressing table

Siddy immediately started jumping around the place, spinning like he was on steroids while Duffy chased after him

Picking up a brush, I set to work on my hair. Brushing the messy strands till they were perfect, I couldn't be asked to curl my hair today, too much hassle

Adding a eyeliner to my waterline, smudging a bit on my upper lid as well. Lining my lips with my signature lip liner, and glossing my lips with my favourite cherry lip gloss that tastes amazing

While Duffy was in his litter box, Siddy was spinning around in circles on bed like a right spanner. Chuckling, I picked up my uniform from the side and slowly got changed

Pulling on my 4 inch heels, I gave myself one look over in the mirror just to make sure that all tiredness had been removed from my face

"No being all sad today, Danny" I reminded myself "No one wants depressed Danielle"

Practicing my smile in the mirror just to make sure that my mask is perfect. I grabbed my bag and threw it on my bed, picking up my books from my shelf

Before I could put them in handbag, Siddy launched himself into it

"Siddy" I sighed "C'mon I know miss me but I have to go okay"

Fishing him out, I plopped him back down on the floor next to Duffy who had come back to me with his little tail wagging

"Right let's go boys" I chuckled, opening my door and quickly whipping my head left and right to see if Seamus was there

Thankfully he wasn't, and I was eternally grateful for it. I don't think I could handle with him raping me twice in less than 24hrs

Still feeling the ache between my thighs, I walked down the steps slowly carefully so I didn't hurt myself

Siddy and Duffy followed after me too, I could hear the soft pattering of there paws as they practically jumped down each step

"Time to put some food in ya yeah?"

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

I actually wanted to kill my self

No joke, I want someone to snap my neck right now if I have to listen to another second of my math teacher ranting on about simultaneous equations

I hated math, I was shit at it too

Numbers didn't make any sense to me, alegbra was the worst as well

As soon as letters were involved my brain just completely switched off, wouldn't take in any new information because my mind felt overloaded

Also what makes it worse is that my math teacher hates my guts, seriously every lesson he always finds something to shout at me for

And it's so targeted as well, last week when everyone was talking over him he pointed me out and shouted right in my face for it

I'm talking full on spit flying, face as red as a tomato shouting

I hate him

And he just loves to torment me too, the prick knows i'm behind everyone in class and he uses it to belittle me

Like now for example

"Danielle would you like to answer the question on the board" He said, not even asking just telling me like I had no other option

Twirling my pen around in my hands, I shook my head "Not really, Sir. No"

A few classmates around me snickered, Mr. Gilroy quickly shushed them before returning his focus back to me

"Danielle it wasn't a question" He ordered holding out the whiteboard pen

"You literally said and I quote 'would you like to', I know that i'm not that good at english but i'm pretty sure that's a question" I retorted earning a few laughs from everyone

Holding the pen tighter, he screwed his face together in that way that makes him look like he is constipated "Danielle get up here and do the equation. That wasn't a question"

"Whatever" I mumbled under my breath as I stood up, reluctantly making my way to the board

And just like always my brain completely blanked the moment I saw letters. Short circuiting, I just stood there with the pen in my head like so eejit

"You were so confident, what happened Danielle" Mr. Gilroy remarked, mocking me once again

Then that familiar feeling creeped back in

My pulse immediately quicken the moment he turned away from me, like i'm not even worth teaching

Tightening my grip around the pen, in an attempt to ground me to this moment but it's too late I already know what's going to happen

No. No. No

Please not now!

A sudden shift in the air, a thick tense deafening silence that suffocated me

Thoughts speed up and overlap as I desperately stare at the whiteboard as if it could solve all my problems, I think someone is saying something but I can't make it out

Like someone had put my into the eye of the storm, and I just hoped I survived it

Ears ringing, everything around me blurs as I focused on my teacher

I can sense his judgement, I know he feels disappointed in me. The way his eyebrows are raised, the way he tuts like some old mam

With a fire in my chest, my eyes narrowed at Mr. Gilroy and I started talking before I could stop myself

"God you're one sad motherfucker" I snarled

Stop Danny, fucking stop it

Whirling around, He pursed his lips "Danielle! You will not use that language in my classroom"

But of course that didn't stop me, my anger had overtaken me

It was as if I watching myself explode from the outside, I had zero control of my body or my words

I knew I was overreacting, but my body had already locked into defense mode

"Oh fuck off, your wife doesn't respect you what make you think that I do" I growled "Yeah I know all about how she slags herself around town"

I couldn't stop myself so I just went on "You're a pathetic husband who clearly isn't much use to the world, your students hate you and your wife hates you even more-"

Face flaming red, he shot up from his seat and stalked over to me "How dare you! You can not speak to me that way!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, immediately taking a couple steps backwards "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"

Holding my head in my hands, fisting my hair till the point I almost ripped it out

Without another word, I snatched my bag of my desk and stormed out of the classroom, slamming the door as I went

Fuck, fucking fuck

Walking for a bit didn't seem to help, my chest felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't even think straight with this overwhelming surge of anger

Sliding down a locker, not even bothering to look at whose before I rested my back upon it

Breathe Danny, you need to breathe

Taking a few sharp breaths in attempt to relax didn't dampen the fire still held inside of me

I dug my nails into my upper thighs, relishing in the painful distraction

I would take physical pain over mental pain anyday because at least one made sense

My brain didn't make sense, it's all scrambled from years of trauma I have survived. I would do anything just to be normal

Once my breathing had somewhat evened out I lessened the pressure on my leg. Finally I was on the come down of my episode

Godammit everyone had just seen me loose my absolute shit at our teacher

He wasn't even anywhere near me when I shouted at him. But my brain was on attack mode from the moment he stood up

"Suck it up Danny" I muttered to myself, forcing myself to a stand

No way am I going back into that classroom, over my dead fucking body am I having everyone staring at me like i'm some monkey in a circus

Yeah absolutely not

Waltzing myself away to the bathrooms seemed like the only option. My limbs felt all tense and tired as I made my way there

They always do after an episode

I feel mentally exhausted as well, like my brain had just ran a marathon and in a way it sort of had

Pushing open the door to girls toilets, the smell of cheap perfume, hairspray and cigarette smoke from girls who wanted to feel a dangerous for a bit

The sound of someone sniffling caught my attention, a smothered sob from one of the stalls

Right big sister Danny time, no time for sappy Danielle time

Knocking softly on the door, I threw on the kindest smile I could muster "Hello?"

"Hi" A familiar voice croaked

Leaning against the door, I listen as Darla started quietly crying again. I had zero clue on why she was crying but I knew it must be something serious, I just had a feeling

Perhaps someone was mean to her, but who would be mean to her she has these beautiful big brown eyes and she was the embodiment of little bunny

How could anyone get angry at that face

"You alright?" I crooned

"Mhmm" She replied, with an another sniffle

"Can you let me in?" I asked, slightly concerned since I have no clue how long she had been in that toilet

And a crying girl locked in a toilet pointed to many many red flags

After a few long seconds the door to her stool finally clicked open. I gently pushed open and stepped into the stool

Sat on the toilet seat with her knees hugged to her chest, fresh tears streaming down her small face. Darla wiped at her puffy dark chocolate eyes, an attempt to make herself look a bit more put together

But I definitely didn't judge, considering the tantrum I had just thrown

Sending her a reassuring smile, I didn't say anything because I knew it would be pointless

If she wanted to tell me what had happened she would, for now I would just make sure she was okay

I held out a hand for her to take, which she just stared at. Like the idea of someone helping her was completely foreign to her

A few hesitant moments later she let me hold her hand, pulling her up from the toilet seat and pretty much dragging her to the sinks

Wiping away her tears, I started fixing her hair. Brushing the strands with my hands, making it look pretty much impeccable

I didn't have to do much anyways, she had gorgeous hair. Silky, almost platinum blonde hair that reached her hips that was styled in loose curls

Without saying a word, Darla pulled at her collar of her school shirt revealing a litter of hickeys all over her neck

"Can you get rid of them?" She murmured nervously

I nodded, placing my bag on the side and fishing out my glittery makeup bag

Pulling out my concealer, I immediately got to work. Applying and blending it with my makeup brush

I also didn't ask where she got them from because it was her business, I sort of assumed she got them from her boyfriend, Jason

Jason Delaney was and your typical A-class prick, he non-stop makes misogynistic comments, always punching up lads for silly things like getting in his way or some stupid shit like that

He was definitely a violent fella as well, has a extremely bad temper, almost killed a kid just because he made some comment about him

I could judge that because he was the one to be rude first

And he just rubbed all the wrong ways with me, Jason was a living breathing red flag

I had no idea how me managed to snag a beautiful kind girl like Darla it just didn't make any sense

But I hated him even more for being the reason that Darla was crying

She clearly didn't want the hickeys on her neck, I could tell that so why couldn't her boyfriend?

Humming the tune of 'Lost' by Linkin Park as I worked at covering the marks on her neck

Once I was done, I stepped back and studied my masterpiece "Right all done, Bunny"

I span back around and grabbed the mini setting spray from my bag, spritzing it on her neck so it doesn't smudge

"Bunny?" She mumbled, awkwardly tugging at her sleeves

I chuckled "Yeah, I do nicknames, shit with names and all that. You remind me of a cute bunny"

To say I was shit with names was an absolute truth, unless they had some of importance to me then I would forget about their name a few seconds of them saying it

I also loved nicknames as well, they make me happy and they were personalised and special to each person

"Thanks?" She said, Darla turned to look in the mirror, studying her reflection

"Thank you" She muttered, looking at me like I had just given her the world "It means a lot and i'm sorry for you know... busying you"

I shook my head while stuffed my things back into my bag "Girl it was nothing, and I already told you I adopted you silly"

"Right okay" I began explaining "So I put setting spray but it might rub off on your collar though but the makeup will wash out anyways"

Darla nodded, even though I could tell that she wasn't quite sure what to do with that information

I fixed a stray hair out of her face with a warm smile "There all better, Bunny"

Calculating my next words, very carefully in my head knowing that I just had to ask otherwise I wouldn't be okay with myself if I didn't

"Are you okay" I asked gently, praying that I didn't send her back into her shell or worse make her cry again

Even if she lied at least I hope she knew she could come to me if she wasn't

I understood better than anyone about what it was like to have marks be put on your body without your consent

Bite marks were indented on my hips, all from Seamus. Thankfully you couldn't see them when i'm wearing clothes

It makes me sick even thinking about them, sometimes when i'm in a I hate myself mood I just stare at them in the mirror to punish myself

The only thing that makes me feel little bit worse about them is the slivers of scars that covers them

Self inflicted scars from a razor blade tucked in a box in bathroom cabinet

I don't do it because I deserve it, I do it because I just need something that lets me escapes my mind for a bit

And no i'm not addicted or anything, I can stop whenever I want but right now I don't feel like it

"I'm grand" Darla assured, tucking a peice of non-existent stray hair behind her ear

But I could tell just by looking at her that she was lying "You sure, you can tell me if you're not"

"I'm grand" She forced out, looking down at her shoes

Deciding not to push her, I nodded "Well if you're not then, you know where to find me"

Darla nodded back, I really hoped she had actually heard me though

I picked up my bag from the side and made my way to the bathroom door

"Thanks again and sorry again" Darla called out just before I walked out

"No need, bye bunny" I chirped, a comforting smile pulling at my lips

Returning back to singing Linkin Park, I slipped out of the door

See pretending wasn't so bad