✮⋆˙ Child prodigy

TW: SA

★ MONDAY 10th JANUARY ★

I HAD ALWAYS KNOWN I WAS FUCKED UP, it was a truth that I had learned to accept

My mind was different from everyone else, I process things differently, react to things differently. In general I was just different

I wasn't like other people who didn't debate killing themselves everyday. Because I did, every day without fail

Ever since I was little I had accepted that I definitely wasn't going to get a happy ending. No Holland ever did. From the moment I was born, my life was already planned out for me. Drugs, debt, death

I couldn't play fantasy land that much longer, cracks were no doubt about to show anytime soon

Hell they already have

Everytime I drink there is this calling in my head to drink more and I always listened to it

Everytime I go to Shanes house and see him smoking something there is the voice telling me to join him and I always listened

I had to have the world's worst genes. On my da's side there all drug addicts and on my ma's side there all alcoholics. Every Holland child has their poison

Lorcan had drugs

Nevan had alcohol

Shane had drugs and the overpowering feeling of ruining people's lives

Only Del and Ozzie are the only ones who came out relatively unscathed, one is god knows where and the other has been missing for 10 years

Me however, i'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol ( at least I don't think I am ). No i'm addicted to the freeing feeling of euphoria that fills you with adrenaline that makes you believe anything is possible

I wanted to race again, I wanted to win again but currently I have to unfortunately wait till friday to go to An Rós

Ugh I hate my life

Literally, not even in the i'm just a teenage girl who is going through a stage way more in a I wish I never existed way

I'm exhausted, the type that settles deep in your bones. I'm so unbelievably tired, I would kill for just one day of rest

But of course my stepfather had other plans

Ever since my mam moved me and my sister, Del into his house I became his child prodigy

He put me in figure skating, gymnastics and modelling. It was his way of showing people that he was making a difference to our family, showing other that he was good person

But it was all a show, a facade to hide what was really going on

Seamus always pushed me too far, I remember nights where I would stay up until midnight just practicing my jumps or spins as he watched and shouted corrections at me

I also remembered the nights he would scream in my face because I just couldn't work something out in maths, or because I failed a test ( all of this still happens by the way )

However now he has kind of given up trying to make me good at school because it's pretty much impossible given that i'm years behind everyone

Worked to the bloody bone ever since I was 9, with a strict arse schedule that seriously killng me. Mondays I have figure skating lessons. Tuesdays I have skating practice. Wednesdays I have gym. Thursdays I have skating practice again. Fridays I have another ice skating practice. Saturdays and Sundays i'm mostly training

Modelling was a bit different though, I would get called somewhat randomly to attend a casting or a photoshoot

Currently i'm at my skating lesson and I already want to murder my teacher

I hate figure skating, sure i'm good at it but I don't like it

And I especially do not like my teacher, she is a bossy stuck up bitch who literally hates me

Once during one of my I.E.D episode I flinged my ice skate at her, I never seen the woman look so angry before in my life

Obviously I missed ( unfortunately ) but I got into tons of trouble because of it

"Again! Is it so hard!" Miss Donoghue shouted for the hundreth time "Just fucking land Danielle"

Clenching my hands into my fists, letting the pain ground me and keep me out of my head

For the life of me I couldn't land my triple axel. I honestly don't know why, every time I attempted it I land flat on my arse

I even have the bruises to prove it

Taking a deep breath, reigning in my remarks I repeated my axel. And just like last time my leg gave way the moment my blade came into contact with the ice, pulling me backwards on my arse

Pain radiated through my body as I turn myself over, trying my hardest to ignore the throbbing on my lower back

My teacher looked down at me, disappointment painted across her face. She pinched her nose in frustration "I can't even look at you right now Danielle"

Fucking bitch

Skating off without another word, Miss. Donoghue didn't even spare me a glance as she left me on the cold ice

My eyes raised to look into the stands to see my step father, Seamus Doherty scowling at me

Shaking his head in annoyance, he stood up and made his way out of the rink

My stomach dropped as I realised what this meant

I was going to get punished again

Fuck

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The drive back home was deafeningly silent, painful and tense. He refused to talk to me, just let me sit in my fear as he clutched the steering wheel tighter and tighter

As soon as the front door clicked shut my nerves were skyrocketing to the point where I couldn't even think straight

It's going to happen again

He's going to do it again

You're going to let him do it again

Taking a sharp breath, he whirled around to glare at me simmering rage glazed over his eyes "What the fuck was that Danielle!"

I took a step back away from him desperate to put some distance between us "I just can't land it alright-"

"Not fucking good enough!" He roared, snatching my wrist and pulling me with him

Squirming about in his death grip that will no doubt leave bruises 

Fuck sakes why couldn't I just land it

As soon as we reached his room upstairs, terror dawned on me making me instantly panic "No, no, no, no, no. Please i'll do better, i'll be perfect"

"Shut the fuck up!" He barked making me flinch "I give you so much Danielle, and this is how you repay me? Making me look like a fool?"

Throwing me on his bed, my heart raced as he yanked his tie off

My pulse thundered in my ear, everything around me was muffled, like I was miles away from anything

Thrashing about, he pulled my head up and tied the tie around my eyes constricting my vision

Flailing my limbs about in attempt to kick him off me was pretty much pointless since he always got the upper hand

When I heard the familiar sound of his belt unbuckling my heart sank straight to my arse

"This is all your fault Danielle. You have to be perfect remember" I heard him whisper in my ear  as he pulled my leggings and knickers off

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When it was finally over I felt so dead inside I began to question reality

I didn't understand how someone could be dealt such bad cards in life

Seriously what on earth did I do to deserve this?

My whole life has been complete shit, from living in a drug den filled to the brim with addicts who stared at like some predator sizing up it's prey. To living in a fancy arse dollhouse, with my every move controlled by my perfectionist stepfather

Sure I got out of my shit life at elks terrace but I had just stepped into a different type of hell

The type of hell that makes you question your existence, and debate on just being done with it

When I first met Seamus Doherty I was so fucking hopeful that he was going to save me, save my mam

She drowned herself in her cheap alcohol every day without fail, but when he came into the picture I was so sure that he was going to make her better but obviously he didn't

And that hopeful girl that I was once was died the moment my mam stopped breathing. My world ended and was completely shattered when he first touched me two days after my mam's funeral

I was so unbelievably scared, not just for me but for my sister Del. I was terrified that he would hurt her too but he never did because I was his child prodigy not Del

Now I was a ghost who temporarily took up space in my old body and i'm trying, trying so hard to be okay or at least just act it

Fake it till you make it right?

Well I have been faking it for 7 years and so far no one has questioned it

I have been making my personality so big and so bold that no one would even think that it's all just an act

They would all take one look at me and decide I was some wild bitchy party girl, because that is who Danny was

Danny was the crazy girl who was always in trouble for something completely stupid, the one that is always laughing at something, the one that is always doing some crazy shit

But Danielle was the broken one, whose mind is constantly at war with her. Nobody even truly knows Danielle, because no one ever sees her

Sitting on the floor of my bedroom, my hands stroked the soft fur of my two ferrets: Duffy and Siddy

Duffy's name was from the guitarist from The Cult, Billy Duffy

Siddy's name was from the second bassist from Sex Pistols, Sid Vicious

These two are both my babies, my children if you will. Their souls just understand mine, they don't even need words to calm something in me

Siddy had a lighter coat then Duffy, he was the cheeky one who always stole my things and nibbled them to death. In other words he's the little shit

Duffy is the calmer one who is most of the time sleeping or curled up on my chest as I stroke him, he's less hassle if i'm being honest

I love them with my whole heart though, and i'm 99% sure they love me too

'O Children' by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds was playing softly in room, I absentmindedly started hunming the melodic tune

I also loved music, it was so deeply personal and beautiful. Each lyric had a deeper meaning, every song was a work of art. It was poetry which I also adored

"Oi Siddy don't be mean to your brother" I scolded my Siddy as he jumped on Duffy

In retaliation the two broke out into some weird arse playful fight, biting and scratching eachother. Picking them both up in separate hands, I tutted at them both like some tired mother

"C'mon bed time for you two" I cooed, placing them down, smiling down at them as they followed me into my ensuite

I haven't slept in my own bed for years now, even thinking about it made me physically ill. I didn't want to lie in a place where I was raped, I would rather slit my wrists

My room wasn't anything special anyways, the floor was littered with clothes and wrappers. My walls were covered in graffiti that I had spray painted, receipts were also stuck all over the wall by my mirror. Poems that I had randomly wrote were written on them since I always come up with things when i'm out so I just write them on spare receipts so I don't forget them

Reaching down to pick up Siddy and Duffy, carefully putting them in their cage in my bathroom, giving them both a quick kiss on their little heads

Their cage is fucking massive thing, 3 stories tall with little swings and little ladders. At first I didn't want to put them in cages but I couldn't let them be free at night because these fuckers are like mini escape artists

"Goodnight Siddy, Goodnight Duffy" I whispered

Thankfully my makeshift bed in my bath was already set up from last night. Wrapping myself up in my duvet, I prayed that tonight would be a good night

Most nights I wake up screaming from nightmares or sometimes even sleep paralysis in worst cases

Letting my eyes flicker shut, it wasn't long before my sleep consumed me dragging me into yet another nightmare

Just another day I guess