Chapter 12

I sit in the bed quietly with Ava fast asleep in my arms. After everything that happened today, she's definitely exhausted. So am I. My eyes and head hurt so much from crying the whole day and the rest of my body aches from all the stress. I almost forgot I have to let Charlie know what's going on and arrange for someone to pick up my son from school. I also have one more Haus meeting to schedule before the holidays but I don't even care about that right now. I take the phone in the room and call my mom first, who gladly offers to pick up Joseph and have him over for dinner before bringing him here tonight. Then I dial Ava's school to have them talk to Charlie. Once that's done I can breathe. I ignore the meeting because my daughter's more important and lay back a little with her head on my shoulder, watching her stir a little in her sleep, but after a few moments she settles down. I don't understand how someone so beautiful can be treated so badly by everyone and everything. How someone to strong can be made to feel so weak. I sit silently in the room with my thoughts, thinking about the present before blasting into the past.

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"Nervous Stef," Taylor asks.

"Kind of. I mean after how nervous you were last night when we talked I guess it kinda rubbed off on me. What if she doesn't like us?"

"Well, it's like you said yesterday. She's been through a lot, switching homes almost her entire life. We don't know how people have treated her or what kind of experiences she's had. We just have to be give her the time and space she needs to adjust."

"I know. I just wanna be a good mom."

"You are. Look how happy Joey is." I watch my son smiling, making me do the same. I lean my head on Taylor's right shoulder. "Okay. I'm ready," I tell him. He takes my hand and holds Joseph in the other as we follow an adoption agent into a room to meet the new addition to our family.

She opens the door slowly, revealing a tiny young girl who looks no older than four. Her hair is straight and dark and it looks a little tangled. She's quite thin and bony too. Her tights have a tear right above her left knee, exposing a large scrape on it and her arms have small different coloured patches that look like bruises. But that doesn't even tell me half her story. I look into her stunning emerald green eyes and the redness and swelling around them. In them I can see the fear and sadness she's felt.

"Ava," the agent calls. "Your new family's here. Are you ready to go?" Ava doesn't look very happy and takes this moment to stare at us from far. She doesn't move at all either. I can tell she might be nervous so I ask the agent if she can give us some time alone. Maybe one less person will be less overwhelming. The agent backs out of the room but not too far so she can still see. The young girl stays put but backs up when I take a step forward.

"It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you," I whisper as I kneel down in front of her. Taylor joins me holding Joseph and does the same. Ava comes closer. I smile as I watch her staring back.

"Hi beautiful," I say as she looks at me nervously which makes me stop smiling. "What's wrong? Are you afraid?" The tiny little girl nods slowly. Taylor's left hand travels behind her back to rub it gently but she immediately steps away from it in a panic before he can even make contact with her.

"Don't be scared. We're not here to hurt you," he tells her. Ava looks back up at him shyly and shakes her head 'no.' Then she does something that takes me by surprise. She starts talking. Slowly.

"But I am scared." Her voice is incredibly soft and breaks after a few words. It reassures me that she's talking but I don't want her to be so afraid. She doesn't deserve to suffer in fear of everyone and everything around her. I know it seems kind of sudden and personal to bring this up because it's a sensitive subject but as I stare down at her wounds I inadvertently blurt it out. "Did they do this to you? Your other family?" Her eyes turn to me in a flash and widen as a tear pops out the right one.

"I had a lot of other families. I had to live with them because there wasn't a place for me in other homes. There would be a mommy and a daddy, and some brothers and sisters. Some homes were nice ones, but I didn't belong in them. I felt like I didn't belong in them. A lot of the other families were different. My old brothers and sisters didn't love me and they would pick on me and hit and kick and throw things at me. Sometimes the mommies and daddies would do it too. If I did something wrong, or if I was in the way. Some families said that children had to be hit if they made a mistake so that they don't do it again." Such a big emotional experience for such a young girl. I'm very surprised at the words she knows and uses. They're pretty big and complicated words for a four year old, but they bring me to tears regardless. Taylor rubs my back in circles and presses his lips against the side of my head, trying to comfort me.

"Is that why you're afraid," I ask her, and she nods before looking down at the floor.

"I don't wanna get hurt again. Or move to other places anymore. It makes me tired and sad. I don't wanna be afraid anymore. I just want a nice family and stay with them forever. Like normal kids." It's the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard in my life. Even Taylor looks like he's about to cry any second.

"Ava? Can I hug you baby?" The young girl looks up at me and takes a couple of steps closer, allowing me to wrap my arms around her, stroking her hair as I do. Her body gives a light jolt in the beginning but then it stops. I can see Tay smiling from the corner of my eye and at the same time I feel Ava's muscles relaxing under my touch and her arms travel up to my neck, holding onto it. Taylor wraps one arm around me afterwards with Joey in the other, pulling us all into a warm embrace. We stay like this for a few moments, and I feel so happy and so complete.

"Your wish just came true. You don't have to be scared again. We're gonna make you a promise okay? A promise to be the best mom, dad and little brother that we can. We'll always love you and we're not gonna let anyone hurt you anymore."

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I think back as I made her that promise ten years ago, yet to this day I haven't kept it. I let everyone and everything around her hurt her. I've even hurt her in some ways. As I continue on with my thoughts, gripping Ava's body tighter and tighter, there's a knock on the door that pulls my attention away to the door and I seem to forget everything for a second, leaving me with nothing but happiness. It's Taylor.

"Hey," he says. I greet him and look behind him only to find that Amy's not there. "She went to call her boss and take this shift off. She'll be back in a bit." Dammit he caught me looking. I nod in response and watch him sit next to the bed that I'm still sitting in even though I'm not sure I'm allowed to.

"Did she wake up at all while I was gone," he asks me. I give him a simple nod. "How was she? When she got up?" And all of a sudden I feel sadness taking over again. I remember what I saw, what I heard, the things that I did and the promises I broke. I shut my eyes tight and look down. I don't wanna cry again, especially in front of him. It's silent for a small moment, until he speaks again.

"Hey. What happened? Tell me," he asks softly. The door screeches as it opens, revealing Amy in the doorway.  Taylor turn around to look at her for only a fraction of a second before turning back to me. "Come on, we can talk outside if you want." I agree to his offer and lay my daughter on the bed so I can get up. Once he takes my hand, we walk out into the hall together, leaving Amy in the room and find a quiet spot behind the emergency exit door.

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"What happened? You've been crying at everything today," Taylor asks her.

"We broke our promise," she answers softly through her tears.

"Wait what promise are you talking about?"

"The one we made ten years ago. When we adopted her we promised we'd be the best parents that we can to her and that we wouldn't let anybody hurt her. But I did. I let every single person around her hurt her. I even hurt her myself Tay and it took me so long to realize that and how blind I've been."

"Why would you think that? You've been nothing but loving to her, you never put her in harm's way, you're there when times are tough, you've done the opposite of hurting her Stef," he rebuts.

"That's not what I'm talking about," Gaga responds. "When she got up, I asked her what happened and she wouldn't answer me so I.. looked at her arms and her legs and finally I lifted up her gown and I... I found scars Taylor. She has scars on her stomach. She's been cutting it and she said it's because of everything around her; that includes me. It's... it's my fault. She's been going through so much and I've been so blind and focused on other stuff and insisting that she go to school and keep going I didn't even catch on to anything she's been going through. She was terrified to even walk into school this morning and I ignored her cries for help and made her go anyway. Today wouldn't have happened if I just listened. I let the things around her hurt her; I put her in harm's way. Everything's my fault."

"Whoa whoa whoa! Stef take it easy. You're trying hard to juggle taking care of your job and the kids, and at the same time you need to take care of yourself. You've got a lot on your plate. Today you were just doing what you thought was right. If you didn't catch on it's not because you're a bad parent or anything it's because she hid it from you. She obviously has a lot on her mind that we need to talk about with her and we'll get to that eventually but right now you need to stop beating yourself up over everything. It'll be okay we're gonna get through this."

Gaga wipes her tears and nods.

"Can I tell you something," Taylor continues.

"Of course. What is it?" Her eyes travel up to meet Taylor's. He clears his throat and begins.

"This morning... when we were on the phone driving... and.... I said...I know how weird it sounds and I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable but-" In a flash he sees her lunge to him. He lays his hands on her sides and feels her hands snake their way around his neck slowly. As he opens his eyes he finds their lips locked together.

"I love you too."

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I'm baaaack. Hope you guys like it sorry it took so long. Lots of things have been happening :P In other news who's still alive after everything Gaga's been going through for the last like... 2 weeks-ish? Because all there is around me is the contours of my casket. Greetings from the dead girl six feet under :P