Chapter 11

"You better be ready to explain yourself. Right now," I almost shout as I face Amy, her back against the freezing brick wall of the hospital. "You can't hide something like this for the two, almost three years that we've been dating, and then just come into her life after fourteen years like nothing happened." I don't even know if my sentences are logically making sense or anything. All I know is that I want answers and I want them now. Amy sighs and looks down at the snow covered ground.

"Okay," she says loudly. Her head moves up so that she's looking me in the eye. "I'll tell you whatever you wanna know. But you can't judge me." I can see her eyes shining as a few tears begin to form. She may be scared to tell me what she has to tell me, but not as much as I am to hear it.

"Alright I'll try not to but you're not making it easy. Why would you hide something like that? I mean, when did you even find out? Did you know this before we started dating-"

"NO!" There's a short pause as Amy tries to gather her thoughts. "I-I only realized she was mine when you introduced me to her two years ago. Look, I was eighteen when I had her and I didn't want her at the time. I had so much going on. I wasn't in any position to be a mom, nor was I any good at it at the time. And she caused me so much stress that my last resort at the time was to take off. I didn't tell you because it would make things weird. It would've been such a disaster to drop something like this on our first year together. I just wanted us to stay the same. When I saw her two years ago I did want her back but I thought I wouldn't have to worry about that because as long as we're together I still kind of have her. That's why I felt like that was a secret I could keep from you. It would've caused so much more unnecessary drama if I had said anything." I feel my blood begin to boil and my heart shattering. In addition to the fact that I never really moved on from Stef, I'm crushed by the fact that Amy would use me like that. Moreover, it kills me to know what really happened to my daughter, that she was born into a family unwanted and abandoned, like she was nothing more than an inconvenience.

"So this entire relationship has been because you wanted Ava in your life?"

"No. Not at all. Taylor I love you so much. I loved you from day one. I just thought about how we could be a family together, with Ava."

I now find myself in a really weird position. Not to mention I'm creeped out. This can't be happening, it just can't. I can't go along with Amy's plan and be a family with her and my kids when I'm still not over Stefani. Despite that ugly divorce, there's no family without her. There's no family without her or the kids. And I can't let Amy come back into my daughter's life as her mother. Especially because of what she told me about not wanting her when she was born and leaving her to the hands of an institution as devastating as the foster system.

The problem is I don't know how to say it. I don't know how I can cut off the relationship, nor do I know what's gonna happen later on if I do break up with Amy. Needing time, I don't really say anything else to her. I just give her a small nod with my head and eyes facing the concrete by the parking lot and remember what Stef had said before. It should be up to Ava, and right now is not the time to discuss it. With that in mind I turn around and head back in where I'll be protected from the New York winter cold, hoping that everything will resolve itself and be okay. Somehow.

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"Mom," I manage to utter. I soon realize that talking is not so difficult after all. It's moving my body that's tough. It especially takes a lot of force for me to open my eyes. I only succeed after a few minutes of trying, and when I do, I see her sitting at the edge of my bed, her face hovering right above me. Sadness fills her green eyes that are occasionally shedding a tear or two. Her hand goes from stroking my hair and face to grabbing my body and pulling me into her embrace.

"You scared me so much," she cries onto my shoulder. Then she wipes her tears. "Charlie told me everything. What the hell were you thinking? You could've been killed."

The panic level rises sharply as she speaks. Immediately my mind flashes back to the events this morning. Each and every second of me running around the school, taking down all those fucked up scan codes from the walls plays in my mind like a movie, same with the moment I tripped and saw my locker, when I ran out in embarrassment. Even each word and letter of the last text I got from Brianna came back to mind so vividly, it was like I had the text right in front of my eyes. Remembering it all, I look down at my lap in shame and sadness, trying not to cry from it. That fails, and in a matter of seconds everything becomes blurry as tears form a thick liquid film over my eyes and run in a warm line down my cheek.

Two warm and gentle hands cup my cheeks and lift my head up as I weep and I find myself staring my mother in the eye. I shut my eyes right away, too disgraced to even look at her. "Baby, look at me. I love you so much. I really do. And I wanna help you get through this and keep you as safe as possible but I can only do that if I know what's going on with you. So you need to tell me what happened to you. What made you run into the street like that and what were you doing with a razor blade in your hands?" I don't bother opening my eyes, nor do I bother talking. I just shut them tighter and put my head down. Within seconds I can sense everything become clear for my mom as my arms are grabbed by the wrist and my blanket and gown fly up. Almost my entire torso feels cold as it's most likely exposed to my mom. Silence invades the room and I can only feel a warm and gentle hand skimming the contours of my stomach, passing over each scar I've made. There must be tons that are still there because this moment is never ending. All I can do is just lay there... and cry. Cry because I'm not good enough, cry because I'm ashamed of what I did and what I am, cry because of Brianna and most of all, because I'm hopeless.

My stomach starts feeling colder and colder in certain spots and that's when I start feeling droplets hitting it. I open my eyes a little and look over to find my mom. She has no facial expression what so ever, she just has tears in her eyes as she stares at me.

"Why," she whispers, and I instantly feel worse. I wanna tell her so badly but I can't. Fear is holding me back, so I bow my head down to try and avoid her gaze but it doesn't work. She's just always gonna lift my chin up to make me look at her and no matter how many times I close my eyes in front of her she gets them open again. "Listen, no matter what it is, if something bugs you you need to tell me. What brought you to this?" I still don't want to tell her but I feel like I'm losing it with her because she's insisting so much.

"EVERYTHING OKAY? THIS FAMILY, MY SCHOOL, BRIANNA, AMY, ME, ALL OF IT! I'M DONE ALRIGHT?" I don't even realize I'm full out yelling at her until I finish. Then I look down and let the tears keep falling. I'm so shocked and guilty over what I just did. I've never yelled at someone, let alone my own mother. Well, my adopted mother. After all this there's the longest pause between us, so long and so painful, it's maddening.

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Silence invades the room as my eyes widen in shock after hearing and watching my daughter scream at me like that, tears pouring out of her emerald eyes like a rainstorm. I've never seen so much anger and sadness in her. I know I pushed it too far by constantly asking her to tell me. No teenager tells their family what's going on with them and they do need their space. But when your's is in a hospital bed, skin and bones, plastered in scrapes and bruises, 2 casts, deep razor cuts on their stomach and neck, and almost having to rely on IVs to live, you can't give them anymore space or time and you need to know. Because the one thing you're scared of at this point is losing them. I haven't stopped crying and worrying since I got into the room. I haven't stopped since I got that call in the car for that matter. It would come to the point where I'd just talk to Taylor and Amy sounding normal but with tears running down my cheeks. I keep thinking about each and every word she screamed to my face and I'm surprised at it all. I never thought school would give her this much anxiety. She's usually happy when she gets home, she never really complains about workload and she's an A student. I never thought Brianna caused her that much distress either. But now that I know that little brat hurt my baby she's gonna get it. Same for Amy. I didn't even know Amy hurt her and I need to know exactly what she did. Then I find myself getting angrier and angrier until a tiny little voice tears me out of my thoughts and turns all my rage into heartbreak.

"I'm sorry."

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"I'm sorry," I squeak. I really didn't mean to get impatient and lose it like that, it just happened. I don't know if she'll forgive me for it but I need to at least try because I still want her by my side and even though I don't tell her these things, I love her so much. My mattress sinks and I feel it continuing to sink behind me. Before I know it my body is lifted up and placed on my mom's lap. Her grip on me tightens, like she never wants to let me go as I continue silently crying.

"No honey don't be sorry. It's okay. I should be sorry. I should've paid more attention to you and caught on a long time ago and I didn't. And I should've listened to you this morning; none of this would've happened. I'm so sorry baby," she whispers to me. That makes me feel bad. I know that this morning wasn't her fault. It was mine. I didn't tell her anything that was going on with me. I kind of had this coming. But at the same time there was so much going on with her life; her tour, recording, rehearsing, designing the stage, Haus meetings, not to mention practically everything about her life is public and she has to deal with paps everywhere she goes, I didn't wanna add stress to her life. I don't mean this in the way that she's self-absorbed or anything, because she's not. I know that she loves me and that she'd put me first. It's really that I didn't want to stress her out even further at the time. I was gonna wait until her stress from work would diminish to tell her everything that's been going on. I tell her all this as she stares deep into my eyes, and shift the blame onto myself. Her gaze becomes even more focused on me, if that's even possible as tears rush out of her eyes with fury. Her grip is now tighter than before. So tight that I may turn blue in a minute and her forehead presses against mine.

"Listen. I'm gonna tell you what I told your brother. I don't care what's going on in my life. If something's wrong, and you need someone to listen, I will listen. You guys are always my top priority. So never be afraid to come to me if something's bothering you. That's what I'm here for. Okay?" I nod and rest my head just below mom's shoulder because I'm starting to feel drowsy again. Her hug is really warm and cozy and I feel her lips pressed against my head. Just before my eyes shut, bringing me back to sleep I hear her voice one more time.

"I love you so much. I promise I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you anymore."

Told you I'd be back. hehe. Sorry for the delay. I tried.Guys your fics are giving me so much life OMG! I end up practically falling the hell over or crying at the end of each chapter like it's insane. So kudos to you guys for some really amazing writing. Oh ya, almost forgot, about the pic of the girl in this chapter: meet Ava :P Don't know if this person's famous or whatever, I just saw her picture in a 1D fanfic on here. But I always imagined Ava looking something like her, maybe with greener eyes. Happy Sunday and have a great week this week.