An Endless Cycle

Warnings: relationship angst, bucky beating and shooting someone, heartbreak

Summary: Reality comes crashing into you like a freight train and you can't stop it. You're stuck in a cycle that you have no idea how to get out of. You love Bucky, but can you bend your morals to be with him? Is he worth the heartbreak? Are you?

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Italy had some bumps and bruises but you didn't let that spoil your good time. Now that you're back in the States, you're reminded of your responsibilities like school. Bucky has been more lenient in letting you go to school without Sam or Steve with you since this is your safe space. He doesn't want to do anything to strip you of this and he's not going to start now.

"I'll be back here at three to pick you up."

"Okay." You move to get out but Bucky stops you before you can. "What?"

"Get over there."

Bucky pulls your upper body across the center console and kisses you. Butterflies explode in your stomach at the feel of his lips on yours. This is what you want every day to be like. Just you and Bucky in each other's arms without the threat of danger to either of you.

"If you keep kissing me, I'm going to be late," you mutter against his lips.

"Okay. I'm done."

You pull away but lean in for one more kiss. You get out of the car with a grin before hurrying over to your first class of the day. Your fashion design class is the one you're looking forward to the most, and Gio smiles when he sees you.

"Hey, you're back."

"Yeah. Gio, I am so sorry for bailing on the party. I did want to go."

"Don't worry about it. Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah. I went to Italy believe it or not."

"With Bucky?"

You miss the sour tone in his voice.

"Yes. He can be an ass sometimes. Sorry for how he behaved last time."

You don't miss the sour look on Gio's face.

"My dad knew Bucky."

"Yeah? Through what?"

"Work."

You're not sure why but you don't like the way he says that word. Work. Bucky kills people for work. That means dangerous people after a dangerous man. Instead of diving deeper into that like you know you should, you turn to the front of the class and pay attention to the professor.

"The partners you had for the last project will be your partners for this project. The first step in designing anything is the artwork of the clothes you want to sell. Both of you will come up with six designs. Make sure to include measurements, fabric style, design style, and who your audience is for the type of clothes. You'll have the entire lab period to work on your designs. You may begin now."

Gio is a better artist than you so he works on sketching the designs while you come up with everything else. The dress you two made was kind of your idea so you'll let him have the say on each of the designs for this project. He doesn't say much except for the occasional, "What color should this part be?" You're not going to bother him on a topic you know is probably sensitive, so you don't stick around at the end of class to talk to him.

You walk to the meeting point where Bucky is supposed to pick you up ten minutes before he says he is going to be here. He's usually early but maybe there is traffic or he got caught up in something. You take a seat on a bench and open a game on your phone to pass the time. Ten minutes turn into twenty turn into forty and then into an hour. Bucky is never this late, and he didn't bother to call you. You tried calling him three times but he didn't answer you.

Looks like you'll have to walk to the nearest bus station, not that you mind much. It's weird Bucky didn't reach out to you. While on your walk, you notice dark clouds rolling in. Can you get to the bus station before it starts to rain? No, but the hope was there. It's not pouring down like you thought it would but it's not a light drizzle either. You're soaked to the bone by the time you reach the town where the bust station is. It's already there letting passengers on but there is a car you recognize across the street from the station.

Bucky's sleek black Maserati is parked in front of an older-looking apartment building that has clearly seen better days. You abandon your plan of using the bus and head across the street to his car. Why would he and his men be here? It's fine if he's busy and couldn't pick you up, but to not even call you? That's when it becomes a problem.

The building doesn't have a working elevator so you have to climb three stories to get to the top. Most doors that lead into the apartments are locked until you get to the top floor. One of the doors is propped open and sounds of pain are coming from the inside. A man grunts in pain when someone punches him in the face. You can hear the sickening crack of his jaw. Your heart pounds in your chest at what you might see but you know you have to do this.

You peek through the small opening of the door and see a man tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Bucky's men surround him with guns but they don't use them. Bucky stands in front of him with his sleeves rolled to his elbows. Bucky pulls his fist back and slams it into the man's face, causing blood and a tooth to spill from his mouth.

"Spune-mi cine este șeful tău!" Tell me who your fucking boss is! "Unde este lista?" Where is the list?

What list? What is going on? You can't focus on anything but the way Bucky is being so brutal. You're brought back to the night you left the first time, and your heart breaks all over again. How can he be so gentle with you but so brutal to everyone else?

"I don't know," the man pants. "Please, don't do this. I have a family."

Bucky doesn't hear him. He beats him twice more before taking out a gun and shooting the man in the face. You gasp so loudly that Bucky and his men turn to face you. The look in Bucky's eyes softens once they see the tears in yours. You can't keep doing this. You're stuck in an endless cycle that you can't seem to escape from.

"Y/N..."

You turn and quickly run back down the stairs. Bucky shouts from above but you're focused on getting the hell out of here. You're not a track star or anything but once you start running, you can't seem to stop. Bucky's place isn't far from town since he likes everything to be close to where he lives. You could take the bus but then he might make it home before you do. You could call an Uber but he'd definitely beat you back home. Instead, you run. Your legs feel like they are going to fall off, your lungs burn, and your heart pumps fast but you don't stop running until you're back at Bucky's mansion.

You throw open your bedroom door and stumble inside while panting. You grab a backpack and start throwing shit into it. You should have never gotten caught in the first place. This time, you'll make sure to disappear for good no matter how much it breaks you to do it. Bucky barges through the front door seconds later and races up the stairs two at a time.

Fuck it. You'll get all new shit somewhere else. You zip up your backpack and run into the hallway where you run into Bucky's chest. You shove him away and step around him but he grabs at your elbow to stop you.

"Y/N, wait!"

"I can't do this anymore," you cry and yank your elbow away from him. "I can't be with you knowing you're out there hurting people like that."

"This is what I do, Y/N. I am the boss of my mafia. Killing people is how I send a message."

You flinch not only from his words but his tone. He sighs after realizing the effect his words have on you.

"That man had a family. That man was someone's father, husband, and son. You just took him from them without blinking."

"That man had a list of my people his mafia plans to kill one by one. He had intel on everyone on my team. I had to kill him first."

You sniffle and wipe the tears from your eyes.

"What if it had been you who were tied up? What fi it was your life on the line? What then?"

Bucky walks closer to you with a look made of steel. His voice is cold as ice.

"I am no one's father, I'm no one's son, and I'm definitely no one's husband. You make sure of that," he glares.

You look up at him as two tears roll down your cheeks.

"And if it had been me who was taken?"

"Don't." Bucky immediately cuts you off with such coldness like you've never seen before. You scoff and turn to leave but he's not done with this conversation. "Doll, I am in this life whether you like it or not. I can't leave it."

"But I can." You turn back to him. "I love picking flowers and going to animal shelters just to play with the dogs and cats. If I pass by a baby and a mother in the park, I have to stop just to make the baby laugh. I even stopped traffic once just to help a mother duck and her babies cross the road so they wouldn't get hit. How do you expect me to react to you brutally killing someone?"

"You were never supposed to see that."

"Maybe if you answered your damn phone, you might have told me to go straight home! You left me waiting an hour for you at school!"

"I'm sorry," he sighs.

"Yeah, well, I am, too. I'm going home. My home."

You turn to leave and see a flash of lightning in the distance followed by thunder. Rain pours down outside, hitting fat drops on the window.

"So, what does this mean for us?"

His words stop you. You can't look at him or else you'll break down in tears and never stop crying.

"Are you going to stop hurting people?" He can't answer because he can't lie to you. "I have no choice but to leave."

"Y/N–"

You turn to face Bucky with tears rolling down your face. It kills him to see you in such pain but what can he do? He can't ever leave this life. He's in too deep.

"It hurts so much to love you. It hurts knowing you're doing that when I'm home wishing you were with me instead. It hurts so fucking much, and I can't do it anymore. I refuse to make myself less than to be by your side.

"Please don't go."

Bucky steps closer to you. Lightning strikes again lighting up the dark hallway. You can see pain across Bucky's face but you need to do this for you.

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"Would you do anything for me?"

"Yes."

"Then let me go," you sob.

"Everything I do is for you!" Bucky yells which makes you flinch but you stand your ground. "Everything I've accomplished is for you!"

"Being with you hurts," you cry. "I can't give you what you need. You're not enough anymore. I want more than what you can offer me. I can't be in love with a murderer."

Bucky can see how much pain he's putting you through. How can he claim to love you if he's hurting you at the same time? Bucky stands up straighter and every bit of emotion is wiped from his face.

"Steve will take you home. I'll have him bring the rest of your things later."

With that, he turns and leaves you alone in the dark hallway. You must not be enough for him either because he just walked away like it was the easiest fucking decision ever.