Chapter 5 - Figure.09

16th December 2001:

I woke up and was not in a good mood, "Might as well write in my diary, it ain't gonna write itself" The grief was hitting me hard this particular day, it was 2pm which was an unusual time for me, despite being lazy, to wake up at. I started to write about how I felt about Zane and how I contributed to his death, I was the driver afterall.

"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them, sometimes I wonder why this is happening, it's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again. Cause from the infinite words I could say I put all pain you gave to me on display, but didn't realise instead of setting it free I took what I hated and made it a part of me. It never goes away."

This was what I wrote in my diary but it seemed quite good to say I was heavily depressed. I remembered Chester and Mike asking if I wanted to write some music for them, maybe I could use my emotions to write a few songs. Motivation escaped the air and went into my head. "Hmm, let's just write my emotions on to the paper and see how it goes" I said aloud to myself like usual. When I was writing I found myself getting more motivated but more angry, I didn't notice this till a tear fell on the page. "Huh? Maybe I should stop for now, its hurting me" My phone rang and lit up, "Mike" it said on the screen. Cause I was sad I answered, "Hey" I mumbled. My voice went deeper when I was sad so I think he noticed and asked, "You OK? You don't sound good" I really wanted to tell him that it was about Zane but I'd start crying. I went silent making Mike talk. "Ruby?." I took some deep breaths cause I felt the tears rising. "I'm not doing good, cause of Zane.." I slammed my head on the desk and cried, Mike was silent. "I-" Mike stuttered. "I'm coming over!" I heard some rustling about from his phone and I panicked "No! I wanna be on my own!" I ended the call and started to hyperventilate and have a panic attack.

"Zane please come back!" I screamed aloud in terror. I looked over towards the photos next to my bed on the wall. There were 9 of them. 3 of Mike, 1 of Chester, 1 o me and Mike, 2 from the LP concert I went to and 2 of me and Zane. I looked st the ones of me and Zane "..Zane.." I burst out crying which was unusual for me. I would usually cry silently.

Ding Dong!  The doorbell rang "Ugh I told him to not come over" I calmed my nerves, rushed down the stairs and wiped my tears away. I opened the door without looking at who was there, assuming it was Mike "I told you not to co-" It was a friend of mine from school, Tanisha. "Huh?" She was flustered at what I said. "Sorry, I thought it was someone else, come in" I didn't want anyone coming over but slamming the door in her face would've been rude. Tanisha often came over uninvited or unexpected. She slowly walked inside and began talking to me about the crash "I heard about the crash and Zane, I'm shocked and heartbroken beyond belief" She placed a hand on my shoulder and I felt as if I had no tears left to cry so I didn't even tear up. "Please don't talk about it, it triggers me" I trudged to the living room and Tanisha followed, she obviously didn't listen as she started talking about it again, "Mike Shinoda was also in the car right?" I clenched my fist and turned around "i said stop talking about it! It's all too much for me to talk in still. Even 5 days on.." "Oh.. Sorry.." She apologised.

I felt bad, she was only trying to talk to me cause she knew about my struggles even before what happened 5 days prior. I shouted at her and regret filled me. She suggested to watch some TV and we did just that. To be honest, I wanted her to be distracted watching something, anything would be better than her constantly talking about the crash and how Zane died, I was the driver of that car and I was the one who killed him. I put my head in my hands and sighed. "You OK?" Tanisha asked me, "No. I can't distract myself from everything that happened. I don't know how to deal with this seriously" Slowly, I was getting more and more angry..

A Few Hours Later...

Finally, she left. I know its a bad thing to say about a friend of mine but I seriously didn't want any company, even if its Mike or Chester. I did feel kinda bad for hanging up the phone in the middle of a conversation with Mike but I was getting so worked up and upset and wanted to stop talking immediately. Thoughts of writing more came back to mind so I walked upstairs and began writing again. "Whenever I feel better, I'll let Mike or Chaz come over to see how they think of the lyrics" I had finally decided to use my words as lyrics for a potential new song of Linkin Park. "What if they won't like it?.." My bad side was making me feel upset. "Shut up, they will appreciate effort at least..."

 I decided to go to sleep cause it was late so I got into bed and closed my eyes, the darkness and quietness was getting to me. My anxiety was going crazy and I din't like that. I stood up and turned on my lamp about 6 feet away from me, "Better.." I got back into my bed, which was my hiding place from all the demons and thoughts. When I had gotten calmer I felt as if someone was there, i opened my eyes and jumped at the sight of Zane staring at me. "Z-Zane?" The waterworks set off, "Hi Ruby" He gave me his reassuring smile that I was so glad to see once again. "Don't beat yourself up about what happened to me, I'm at peace now"  He paused "I was finally able to show myself to you, I watched all those times you cried about me and I just wanted to give you a massive hug. But.. I'm a ghost. Can't do anything about that huh?" "Mhm.." I nodded in sadness, agreeing with him. When I blinked and opened my eyes again, he was gone. My eyes already missed his, but I closed them and tried to get to sleep, feeling disappointed that he was gone...