Part 39

(A.N, this is a long one, so take a seat)

My head was buried deep in work by the time the sun set. The internship at Vogue was hard work, and it had basically taken over my entire life.

I haven't left my room in about 2 weeks if not for work. Always declining hangouts.

All because my boss gave me the opportunity to do a portfolio with all my best work. She will go through it all, and if it's got enough, she said that one of my pictures might be ending up in the next edition.

The pressure was high as this was a once in a lifetime opportunities I wasn't gonna blow.

I was scrolling on my laptop editing photos when the door to my bedroom opened.

"You still working?" Grace said, leaning against the doorframe. I didn't look up at her simply nooded. I was way into my zone to really register anything else Grace said. "Did you even listen?"Yeah, sure." I answered even though I had no idea what she had just said.

Grace groaned, obviously not happy with my answer. "Jes, you need to go out again. Work can wait , you need a break." She finished off before closing my door again.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, she was right. I needed a break. But it was already 11 pm. Perhaps I should just go to bed.

I closed my laptop with a loud sigh. Maybe the last redbull had been a mistake because I didn't feel tired one bit.

My phone vibrated on my bed. I had thrown it there about 2 hours ago because it kept distracting me. I climbed off my chair, my legs and back aching from sitting so long. Each step to bed send jolts down my legs. I couldn't decide if it hurt or felt good.

I swipped my phone off my bed. I got a text.

From Billie.

That's weird, I thought to myselfhesitating before clicking on it.

___Billie

Are you still up?

___

That's all she said. My fingers flew over the keypad, tipping in my answer.

___

Valerie Yeah, y?

BillieYou wanna come over?

Valerie To do what exactly?

Billie I don't know, like hang, I guess.I miss hanging out with you, ok?So you coming or not?

Valerie I dont know if the buses are still driving at this time.

BillieI'll pick you up, dummy. I won't let you take the bus so late.I'll be there in like 15.

Valerie Ok, sure. Thanks for giving me a choice. That was sarcasm, by the way.

BillieYeah, I know . I got it .I'm not dumm

Valerie Who knows . Understanding sarcasm has never been one of your strongest talents.

BillieShut up, I'm on my way. Be ready.

Valerie Is that a threat?

Billie Yes.__I chuckled lowly at Billies last text. I scoped up my hoodie from the floor, slipping it over my head. There wasn't much time before Billie would pick me up, so I simply fixed my makeup up a little before my phone vibrated again. It was Billie telling me  that she's waiting in the parking garage.

Her black porsche was parked in the dimly lit corner of the parking garage. She calmly leaned against the passenger side.Her hair was messy and a little wavy like she was fresh out of the shower. A soft smile spread across her lips as she saw me step out of the elevator.

"M'lady." She smiled as she opened the car door for me. I playfully rolled my eyes at her before slipping inside. Billie quickly rounded her car, getting in herself.

Something between us had changed since that get-together at her place a few nights ago. It felt like something had shifted, and we suddenly got along again.

"Seatbelt." Billie spoke, starting the engine of her car again. "Oh, sorry." I scrambled to put the Seatbelt on before Billie pulled out of the garage.

"Do you wanna put on some music?" Billie asked me, shooting me a quick glance. I nodded, connecting my phone with her car, playing Mascara by Deftones.

Billie reached her hand over to turn up the volume - my eyes glanced at her hand, admiring her rings. "I love Deftones." Billie murmured, but my mind was somewhere else.

"Is that my ring?" I blurted out - my eyes fixated on her hand in her lap. "What ?" Billie turned her head for a second, her expression confused.

"The ring- uhm. The one you're wearing is that the one I gifted you sometime ago?" I wasn't sure if it really was the one I had gifted her for 15 or something like that. It was unique , a one of a kind so this must be the one.

Billies eyes shot down to her hand for a second, admiring her rings herself. She was quiet for a second, bitting her lip softly.

"Yeah. It is."

Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I found at my parents' place a few days ago. You know I really loved that right. I mean, I still do. Its really pretty. That's why I'm wearing it." She explained, but it sounded more like an excuse .

"It suits you." I told her before going quiet again. " Thanks." She whispered like she wasn't sure if that compliment was for her or the ring.

We pulled into her driveway, climbing out of the car. As soon as Billie unlocked her front door, Shark came bolting for us. Billie had to awkwardly push him aside so that we could enter.

"Hey, Shark. How are you cutey ?" I crouched down, scratching behind his ear. His tail was wagging hecticly, indicating that he loved it.

Shark and I had kinda bonded the last time I was at Billies place. Her had accompanied me on the couch sometime throughout the night.

"He seems to really like you." Billie stated as she slipped off her Jordan's. I glanced up at her for a second- her hair falling into her face as she looked down at us. She looked really good right now. The light casting her perfect features in a perfect glow.

"Seems so." I added after a second too long. I lifted myself back up, slipping off my shoes as well. Shark trotted beside us to the kitchen before leaving us behind and crawling up on the couch. Billie chuckled a little at his lazy ass before turning back to me.

"Do you want something to drink?" She asked, slipping behind the kitchen island.

"A water, please. " I asked, slipping onto one of the barstools at the island watching her move through the kitchen.

"Have you eaten anything yet?" Billie asked, turning around in a swing and handing me a cup of water. I grabbed the cup from her hand, hesitating for a second. "Well, I take that as a no. So let's see what I can make for you." Billie turned back around roaming through her fridge.

"No, Im fine, dont worry. I'm not really hungry anyway. " I told her, but she shot me a glance over her shoulder - eyebrow slightly raised. She knew I was lying. Billie could always look right through me. Through my lies.

"Ok, so I have some fruits, some vegetables or - oh, I got a sandwich leftover from lunch. It was bomb . Highly recommend. " She chuckled, waiting for an answer.

"Uhm, well, then I take the sandwich if it's supposed to be so good. " I chuckled lowly.

" You won't regret it. You'll see it's a- fucking - mazing." Billie explained grabbing a plate before carefully unwrapping the sandwich. " Sure." I said sarcastically. Billie looked almost hurt her mouth gasping open.

She slit it over to me. Billie waited for me to take the first bite , carefully studying my facial expression as I chewed on the first bite. I let my head fall backwards letting out a groan.

"Shit this is amazing." I murmured. " I knew it!" She basically yelled making me laugh out loud. I almost choked from laughter making Billie throw her had back in laughter aswell.

After we calmed down a bit she watched me eat for awhile befor I gave her a confused look. She chuckled at me as I was slinging down the sandwich. Billie didn't lie it was actually really good. Or maybe it was only so good because I hadn't eaten anything since 1pm.

She grabbed her phone sending some texts before I finally finished eating.

" What do you wanna do know?" Billie asked as she slit the plate into her overflowing dishwasher. " I dont know. You asked me to come over so I guessed you had something in mind." I shrugged, swinging my legs in the air as I was sitting on the high barstool.

"I dont know I guess i just wanted to see your face." She spoke her voice a little quiter like she was scared to admit the truth.

My eyebrow shot upward. " Really?" I asked slightly skeptical.

I saw her fidget a little with her rings - especially the one I gifted her. She let out a sigh letting down her guard - her thick walls where on the facade she pretended to me so chill and relaxed and unbothered by everything all the time.

" I really missed you Valerie. Like so much. I didn't realized how much I needed you till I didn't have you anymore.  That night at Coachella when we saw each other again for the first time I realized that I never really moved on from our friendship. I guess I'm simply trying to go back to where we were before all this." I sat quiet listen to Billie ramble on .

But my heart stung at the word friendship.

Did she regret it ?Did she reget me?

I didn't know what to say the minute Billie went quiet. She needed me? Who was she kidding. She had been fine without me while I had shattered.

"Valerie?" Billies voice was quite.

"I- I need someone air." I chocked out . It felt like the walls were suddenly closing in on me. Billies eyes went wide before she gathered herself again.

"Yeah sure." She said pushing off the counter walking over to the living room to push open the sliding glass door. I followed her outside. I took in a deep breath letting the cool night air fill my lungs.

"Do you wanna sit?" Billi asked a little shy, gesturing to the outside lounge. I simply nooded.

The outdoor couch felt cold against my skin through my jeans. The cushions next to me dipped as Billie carefully seat next to me.

"Did I say anything wrong?" She asked like the question had been resting on her tongue for a bit now. I sat quiet for a little longer organizing my words in my head.

"You know you really hurt me when you just cut me off like that with no explanation." I started. It felt good to finally let out all the thoughts and feelings that had just builded up over the year. Billie stayed quiet listening to my words while playing with her rings. Its like she knew what was coming.

"I really needed you back then. I mean when mum got sick. I was scared and I had no one to talk to about that. You were my only friend. You just cut me off like I never ment anything to you. But I needed friend - I needed you." Tears were threatening to fall. Billie stayed quiet.

"I went over to your house the day I found out that we were gonna move so that we would live closer to the hospital that would take mum. I thought we could talk. I was trying to figure out what I did wrong. But it wasn't even you who opened the door. It wasn't even you who told me you never wanted to see me again."

I had to take in a deep breath to told myself together. I couldn't cry,  not now. Not before I asked Billie one last question.

" I need you to tell me something because I dont think I can't live without ever knowing the truth." My eyes finally met Billies again. Her ocean blue eyes were glossyer then usual. Then suddenly her upper eyebrow shot upward multiple times in a row. She was ticking.

A part of me hated that I made her so nervous.

But she listened.

" What did I do wrong? Was I too much ? Was I annoying. Was I- "

"No." Billie simply cut me off, her eyebrow calming down a little.

I looked at her confused.

Carefully she lifted her hand off her lap , gently stroking my knee.

" You didn't do anything wrong. It was all on me. I did thinks wrong." Her voice was soft and soothing.

My head felt like it was gonna explode any second from all the thoughts roaming through my brain.

"But why -?" I didn't even need to finish that sentence because Billie knew exactly what I wanted to know.

She let out a sigh - her hand not leaving my leg. She drew simple patterns against my jeans, like she wanted to calm me and herself at the same time.

"To be honest, I dont even really know why. But I guess I was just scared. My carreer was starting up and I was only a child. It was all so new and then those feelings I had for you. They were real. So damn real. And I had never felt like this for anyone before. I wasn't just overwhelmed. " Billie stopped for a second but I knew she wasnt done yet.

"Everything in my life was changing and I thought I would loose my best friend if this became more.And I was about to go on tour - we wouldn't have seen each other in months and I didn't wanna do that to you. So I pushed you away so I could get space to forget all my feelings so that I wouldn't ruin our friendship. "

" And then there was Q and he - . I dont know I guess he got to me because he told me that our relationship could ruin everything.  " At this point Billie was simply rambling on like she laid it out to herself for the first time.

Her eyes shot back up to mine searching mine. Searching for a reaction.

" I was just so stupid and confused and thought I would make everything better but instead I ruined everything. And I'm so, so sorry for that. And for ever making you think that you did something wrong because you didn't. "

My heart warmed up a little at her words.But still I was confused. Not about the past but about my feelings. I wasn't sure if I should just forgive her or not. My thoughts were a mess but I was to tired to organize them.

Billies eyes stayed glued on mine. She was waiting for a reaction.

" I dont know what to say." I chocked out.

" I get it." Billie nooded softly, slipping her hand off my leg. My skin instantly felt cold again.  I missed her touch but most of all I missed her. And as much as I wanted to, I knew I could never move on from her.

We sat in silence for a little later till the sounds of the city became quieter. It was late, and most of the people were asleep, but Billie and I stayed on our places on the outdoor couch in Billies backyard - in silence.

Until Billie broke the silence again.

" You should stay the night. It's already late. I mean, I dont mind driving you home if you wanna go, but it would just make it easier if you stayed."

" I dont know, Billie." I did know. I wanted to go home, but at the same time, I would feel bad if she had to drive me back again.

"I have a guestroom you could take, and you could borrow some of my clothes. " Billie proposed.

After a little thinking, I gave in and followed Billie back inside. We didn't talk much . She just showed me the guestroom and then brought me some clothes I could sleep in.

"Good night, Valerie. " Billie whispered from where she was leaned against the doorframe frame of my room. I turned towards her , a soft smile spreading across my lips. Not much but enough. "Good night, Billie." And with that, she softly closed the door behind her, and I was alone.

I tossed and turned, but sleep didn't seem to want me because I was wide awake. Maybe because my mind could shut up. On one hand, my heart felt lighter, finally knowing the truth, but on the other hand, my heart felt heavy because of knowing the truth.

It felt like the darkness was swolling my mind.

I couldn't stay in that room a second longer, so I carefully slipped out, walking down the hallway.

My original plan had been to get a cup of water in the kitchen, but the open sliding door in the living room caught me off guard. Why was it open? Because I was pretty sure Billie had closed it after we went back inside.

I carefully sneaked over towards the door to close it again, but someone sitting on the outdoor couch stopped me.

It was Billie.

And in her lap was Shark curled up. I quietly stepped outside. The air felt colder than before, or maybe it was because I was only wearing an oversized t-shirt and basketball shorts.

"Can't sleep?" I asked as I made my way over to her. Her eyes shot up to me without ever stopping to pet Shark. " Yeah. You neighter?" Her voice was soft compared to the loud noises of the crickets hiding in the dark.

" Yeah, guess so." I answered carefully, sitting down next to her. " I think there's just a lot on my mind." I confessed.

Billie bit her lower lip for a second before nodding. " Yeah, me too."

The gravity of our confessions from earlier still lingered in the air between us.

"All these years-" I started. I just had to speak out my thoughts because otherwise, I probably could never get a good night's rest again.

" -I thought I did something wrong , that it was all my fault. But it turns out it was so simple, so stupid what really pulled us apart. You could have just come talk to me about it. We would have figured it out. Together. "Suddenly, it felt like I was 17 all over again, losing my mind over Billie.

"I know Valerie. " Billies voice sounded like a ple, like she was begging for forgiveness.

"I hated myself for what I did , but then you moved away, and I thought that this could be a new start for you." Billie explained her gace fixated on the sleeping grey pitbull in her lap.

"But I didn't want a new start. I wanted everything to just go back to how it was. To when we would hang out every day and when mum wasn't sick yet. When she was still alive. " The thought back to my mum stung the most, and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

Silently, they slipped down my cheeks. Something inside Billie broke, seeing me cry. Her eyes darkened a little. " Come here ." She mumbled , her arms reaching out for me. I leaned forward a little , letting her arms envelope me whole. I quietly cried into her chest, simply letting the tears slip that had been building up the entire night.

"Im sorry I wasn't there for you when your mum died. I wish I had known." Billies voice was muffled as my face pressed into the fabric of her shirt, wetting it. Billies left arm left my back, holding onto my head. She was so careful with me like she was scared I was gonna shatter if she held me too tight.

Shark tossed a little, waking up because he was basically pressed between Billie and I." Sorry, buddy." I croaked, pulling away from Billies embrace to free him.

He obviously wasn't amazed that we had woke him up because he let out a huff before climbing out of Billie's lap and trotted back inside. I let out a choked laugh at his dramatic ass. But Billies gaze never left mine.

She carefully reached out her thumb, brushing away the last tear that had started to dry on my cheeks.

"I never realized how much I hurt you by leaving. Im so so sorry for that. " Billies voice was full of emotion. She ment what she said , word for word. And I believed her , knowing that our friendship falling apart had basically hurt her just as much. Mostly because I still could remember how Finneas told me a few months ago , how destroyed Billie had been after I moved.

Neighter of us had intended to hurt each other, thinking that us being a thing would destroy our friendship.

Because I had felt the same way. The amount of night I stayed up late thinking about what if Billie and I wouldn't work out. I had been scared too, but none of us had had the courage to speak out about our feelings.

But that changed tonight. Everything that we had ever thought or felt was shared.

Billie pulled me back into her side , my head resting on her shoulder.

"I think -" Billie started but cut herself off. She seems unsurtend about her next words, her fingertips searching for the bare skin beneath my sleeve. I turned my head a little, my eyes meeting hers.

I wanted to know what she wanted to say. Billies grip tightened a little on me before she spoke again, almost like she was scared I was gonna leave her if she spoke her thoughts out loud. But I stayed  my hand playing with the rings on her hand in her lap.

"I think I really loved you back then. I mean, I don't think I only liked you , I think I was really in love with you. And that night at Coachella when you bursted into my trailer again after years. I -" She stopped once again. She was nervous I could tell.

"Its ok just say it. I'm here, and I'm listening. " I reassured her.

Billie nooded softly. Her hand left my arm wandering upwards before stroking my cheek softly. It felt so natural, so right. I melted a little beneath her touch.

"That night, I realized that I still love you. My feelings for you never went away. I had simply hidden them, but they came all right back when I saw you again."

I was a little taken back by her words. That was totally not what I expected her to say. I did not expect her to confess her feelings for me right now.

"At first I didn't want to admit it to myself, so I was a bitch to you. But I just couldn't deny it. And I couldn't be mean to you because you dont deserve that. Its not you fault that I can't admit my feelings for you." Billie continued on , her fingers still stroking over my still a little damp cheeks.

I had always admired her honesty. How she could just say her feelings out loud. Mean while I couldn't. I was scared and confused. I didn't even know how I felt myself.

"Can you please say something Valerie. " Billies voice was barely above a whisper.

I nooded, interwining our fingers on her lap.

"You're in love with me?" I asked as this was basically the only thing that had stuck in my mind. Billie nooded, her teeth biting down on her lower lip."I think so."

"I dont know if I feel the same Billie. I mean I really really like you , but it's all going so fast and Im still a little confused about my feelings so I can't say it back. But I do really like you. Thats what I know." I confessed, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

"I get that. I totally do and that's fine for me. I just really want us to try again if that's ok." Billie spoke , her hand traveling from my cheek up yo my hair where she buried her fingers.

"I would like that too." I said my voice barely above a whisper.

Billies blue eyes lightened up again, and a soft smile spread across her lips.

The tension that build up between us in the past few month reached its peak. It was almost unbearable at this point. It felt thick and almost suffocating.

Billie turned a little so she was said directly infront of me. She bit her lip once again but this time not because she was nervous, it was because she wanted to hide the smirk forming on her lips. But she failed miserably.

"What?" I chuckled a little.

Billie shook her head. " You're just really beautiful Valerie. " She spoke her voice full of honesty. I playfully rolled my eyes at her. " Whatever. " I murmured. Billie knew I wasn't good at taking compliments. Thats why she would always tease me when we were younger, giving me compliments only to see my poorly reaction.

"Can I kissed you?" Billie asked carefully. I nooded and crashed my lips onto hers.It was soft but at the same time it felt urgent and hungry, like both of us had waited for this moment for ever.

Billies arms slipped down to my waist, pulling me into her lap so that she had better access to my lips. I could feel her tongue tap against my lips, asking for  entry, which I gave her by slightly parting my lips. Her tongue roamed skillfully around my mouth.

I reached my hands up , burying them in her hair. The kiss felt more ruff than before, luring me out a quiet whimper.

Billie pulled carefully away, separating our lips. She wasn't even trying to hide that stupid smirk on her lips anymore.

She giggled slightly at me before I gave her a playful shuff. " Shut up." I murmured, but I couldn't keep the smile form forming on my lips as well.

Billies hands traveled down from my waist down to my thighs. She stroked up and down before speaking again.

"Let's go to sleep, ok?"

I nooded , carefully climbing out of Billie's lap before pulling her up with me.

Her hand stayed in mine as we made our way back inside. We chuckled a little as we spotted Shark passed out on the couch. " He does nothing besides eat and sleep." Billie playfully complained.

"But he is a cutey." I added, making us cackle a little.

Billie let me down the hallway before stopping at the guestroom door."You wanna sleep with me?" She asked before quickly adding. " I mean, sleep in my bed with me like next to each other, not like."

I chuckled at her." I know what you mean. Didn't think of the other thing you horn dog." I rolled my eyes.

Billie chuckled a little before leading me further down the hall to her bedroom.

It looked so different from her childhood room but still felt just like her.

Her sheets were ruffled, showing that she had been tossing and turning just like me earlier.

We climbed into her bed , Billie pulling the sheets over our bodies before turning over on her side to look at me.

"I'm glad you stayed." She murmured.

"I'm glad you asked me to come over and I'm glad we talked." I added."Me too."  Billie was smiling like an idiot but to be honest, I think I was too.

Billie leaned in, giving me a quick kiss on my lips before pulling me into her side. My head was resting on her chest, listening to her steady heartbeat and feeling her , fingers sliding up and down my sides.

The last thing I registered before sleep got the better of me was Billie pressing a kiss to my head, and then I was out cold.

And I think I got the best sleep of my life , tangled in Billies arms with her showing me the love I had craved for the last 5 years.

A.NSorry for being so inactive these past few days. I wasn't really sure where I wanted to take this story, mostly because this is part 39, and nothing had happened yet. So I'm sorry if anything feels rushed suddenly. I just don't want to make this too long. But dont worry, this is not the end yet.