Chapter 33

My hair was being blown by wind before I even landed, the cold frigid air freezing my fingertips as I plopped onto the soft snow. I crumbled to the ground, ignoring the snow which puddled around my legs, seeping in through my thin layer of Illyrian leathers. I wrapped my arms across my stomach and sobbed; leaning forward so my brow touched the cold snow. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, I knew damn well the possibilities of what could have happened when I made the decision to sacrifice myself. I didn't know what was going to happen, not exactly but I knew I would change. I didn't expect myself to turn into the darkness, to even be saved, and in the whole mess I had forgotten about my promise with Rhys. I had forgotten that I was a mother. What type of a mother does that to her child, sacrifices themselves before their first birthday? But...but my family was safe, and they could yell at me all they want but, they were safe. And- and I would do it all again as long as I knew that they lived to fight another day. And I think that's what scared me, still scares me, the knowledge that I would be willing to sacrifice everything for my family, for my mate, for my son who I love more than I have ever loved anything, for my people. I understand why Rhys did it; his dead body still wakes me up at night, makes me cling to him a little more on certain days, and I'm suddenly filled with guilt that I added another nightmare to Rhys head. Something else to haunt his dreams at night, it was bad enough that he still cried when he remembered my neck snapping under the mountains. I still hadn't asked him what had happened the days I was gone. I couldn't imagine what he went through. I don't know how I could have gotten through it, knowing that Rhys was out there somewhere, and I couldn't find him; the feeling of helplessness.

The snow around me hit my cheeks harder, my own ice powers reacting to my feelings. The wind was still gusting behind me and I looked up for a second to find that I was at the cabin. I asked my powers to take me somewhere safe, it took me here. I let out a small choked laugh and struggled to get up. I needed to figure this out, I needed to get this under control before I hurt someone, even myself.

My eyes blurry and my tears frozen to my face I put my hands in front of me, pushing up from the ground. As I did, strong hands touched my back and I knew who it was, I knew who's comfort I leaned into before I even finished standing on shaky legs. "Hey" he said as I began to sob against his chest, he kissed the top of my head and rubbed soothing circles along my back. He didn't say anything about the freezing weather, the only sign that he was cold was the fact that his wings were nowhere to be seen. But he stayed and he was silent as he let me sort out my thoughts, and after what felt like hours, when my tears became nothing more but sniffles and his body warmth warmed my core, I pulled back into reality. He must have put a protection around us because it wasn't just his body warmth warming me. The wind was no longer ruffling my hair, but as I looked around us, I realized we were trapped in pure darkness, darkness radiating off of me, and not from my night court powers.

I took a step back "Rhys- "

"look at yourself Feyre"

I clenched my shaking hands, control I needed to control it before it got out of hand. But the black swirled around us fast and I panicked.

"Feyre" Rhys said, harder this time, he grabbed my face with both his hands and the warmth and familiarity in the gesture calmed my beating heart enough for me to take a breath. I looked into his violet eyes. Another breath. I looked at the sharp angles of his face, his lips. Another breath, in through my nose out through my mouth. He didn't flinch, he hadn't faltered the whole time I was crying into his chest, he wasn't scared of my new powers, or whatever this was. He trusted me, trusted me to damn much that I wouldn't hurt him.

"You are in control" he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He motioned to the calming storm of darkness, parallel to my calming heart.

"Whatever this is reacts to you, you are in control of how far you let this go Feyre. And maybe you can learn to use it, to your advantage Feyre. But one thing I know for sure is that we will figure this out together, whatever this is, not alone. You aren't alone Feyre."

Tears slipped from my eyes, but I was smiling at him. I reached up on my tippy toes and pecked his lips, soft. Then another one, slow so he would know just how much I appreciated him, how much I just didn't deserve him. But we deserved each other, and I could never thank fate, destiny, or whatever the cauldron it was that put us together, enough; even if it meant we had to go through all this pain, I would do it all over again to find Rhys. "Thank you" I said to him, my mouth still hovering on top of his mouth. "you never have to thank me Feyre" he whispered, mouth coming close to my ear before landing a small kiss right where my neck and ear met; my weak spot. "I know but, you deserve to hear it Rhys, you deserve a lot more than I can give you- " "Feyre-" "wait just, I need to say this" at this he wanted to interject, to stop me but he nodded and I continued. "I'm also sorry, sorry for all the pain I have put you through these past days, I can't imagine what went on, what I put you through. I'm sorry for what I did, for almost killing you in the process, I- I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry for being a bad mother, for almost leaving Gawain without parents, with too much power to bare" I started crying again, fear, pure fear fueling me, but my darkness remained at bay, controlled, I controlled them. "I'm scared for him Rhys, really scared about what he is going to have to face. The- the things inside me can sense it, they tremble at him, more than they do for you and I know we'll help him through it, together but it still doesn't help my fear. And I'm sorry for what I did, it was reckless I know."

"Oh Feyre, I- "he shook his head and before I knew it, I was in his arms, and he was walking into the cabin, this conversation it seemed was not suitable to have in the middle of a blizzard, even if we both could have blocked it off. Rhys sat me down on the couch, I expected him to sit next to me, well, I didn't really know what he was going to do, but he didn't sit. Rhys crouched down in front of me, we were eye to eye, and he placed his hands on my hips. He had tears in his eyes, but they didn't spill, instead his eyes were filled with determination. "Feyre darling, you never, never have to be sorry for saving us, for saving me and my people. I- I could never be made at you for that, how could I? Now don't get me wrong, those days when you were missing were my own personal hell, but I knew you were alive, I knew you were fighting wherever you were and it was enough to keep me going, the determination alone to try and find you. But there was a second there where I thought I was going to lose you, when the tattoo was fading and I was dying, I couldn't even summon my power to winnow, and all I could think of is that I didn't want to go out like this, we never got to have an adventure Feyre, not a calm one like we said. We never got to live. But then I saw our baby boy" there, those tears slipped over his beautiful face and I put my forehead to his, giving him his time. "Gawain came in like a light into my darkness and I understood then why you did what you did. I wasn't mad with you, I never could be, but I was upset with myself. That you felt the need to do that for us, that I couldn't protect you. And then G used his powers and I thought I would faint right there. And it was then that I made peace with the situation, knowing what we were going to leave behind, knowing that no matter what happened he would grow up loved by our family. But then you were in my arms and. He is so beautiful Feyre, we created that. I think he'll have it tough yes, but not as tough as the rest of us and I know we will all help him when he grows into his power." He let out a laugh then, "I am not going to enjoy the endless teasing from everyone about his amount of power hanging over my head" his smile was so beautiful. "But I think I know a thing or two about being the most powerful High lord, as long as it will last, and I can give him a few pointers." I laughed then too, and he kissed my forehead. "I will be fine Feyre, you don't have to worry about me" I wanted to object but he kept talking. "And Feyre, you can never be considered a bad mother. Imagine the look on Gawain's face when we tell him this story in a couple years. He's going to think you are his hero."

Deep down my heart curled around his and no words were needed for the feelings passing between us, the understanding. So I pulled away and scooted further into the couch, patting the space between me in invitation. He laid down without hesitation and his body wrapped around mine as I laid my head in the crook of his neck. I sucked in a breath "the meeting" I said, suddenly remembering our plans for tonight. "moved to tomorrow" he said, "but I don't think we can keep pushing things back, Cassian is already getting cranky about all the paperwork he has had to do since we have been 'sleeping our asses away' apparently." I chuckled and loosened a sigh I didn't know I was holding.

"I think, I think I can control them" I whispered into his neck, slowly peering up to his face. It was true, even now I could feel them responding to me, they answered to me, and it was not difficult to control them at all, it was my own blinding fear that got in the way. He knew what I meant, what I was talking about and he smirked. "Good, I think it's time we show Keir a new trick at the meeting tomorrow." I smirked in return and fell asleep tangled around Rhys.

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hello! hope you like this one, how's everything going for you guys so far?

Also, is there anything you guys would like to see? I cant promise anything but I can see what I can do to incorporate it into the story.

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-S