Chapter 32

Feyre's pov.:

My eyes slowly fluttered open and it took me a second to realize where I was. Red and gold light streamed through my mates' wings which were wrapped around me. I turned my head and quietly shifted my body to look at Rhys, still in deep sleep. I admired his beauty, the way the light reflected off of his cheekbones, the way his dark lashes rested over his eyes, the way he breathed. In out, in out. I was alive, I was with Rhys, with my family. I felt a small tug then, the tether between me and Gawain, my baby boy. I slowly and quietly wiggled out of bed, careful not to wake Rhys. What he went through to get me I didn't want to know, if he was still sleeping this deeply, it must have worn him out so extensively.

I padded down the hall, feet bare but still in my clothes from the battle, I cringed but changing could wait. I needed to see my boy. How long had I been away? I prayed it wasn't long, and as I glanced out of one of the windows to see Velaris still settling in, I realized it must have only been a couple of days; I sent a silent thanks to the Cauldron. I gently opened G's door to find him standing in his crib, arms on the railings and legs bouncing up and down. "Mama Mama" he cried out, little hands reaching for me. "Hi my big boy" I reached into his crib and lifted him up into my arms, showering him in kisses. "Oof you are getting so big. Did you behave well while I was gone?" He mumbled some incoherent words and I smiled at him. My stomach rumbled and it was only then I realized I hadn't eaten in.... when was the last time I ate? The morning of the battle? It felt so long ago already.

G in my arms, I walked downstairs, hopefully to get something for myself in the kitchen, and surprise Rhys in bed with a tray of his own. I reached the last step before I heard talking in the dinning room. My family was there and when they saw me come down with G, they all froze, even Amren. And while she didn't scramble out of her chair like the others, she still gave me a small knowing smile and looked right to the mark under my skin, as if she could see what now lurked deep in my skin. What I had yet to admit to my myself yet after escaping the darkness I was in. But even she got up and came over to where now Mor and Cassian were hugging me and telling me how stupid it was to do what I did but that they missed me. "You scared the hell out of us Feyre" Az said behind Cassian. "I know" I said, "I'm sorry." "Don't be sorry girl" Amren said as she walked up to us and gave me a nod. As much as she would show that she's happy to see me. "Just tell us next time you feel like sacrificing yourself and maybe we can help." "I could have said the same to you" I retorted back. I felt the others tense but she just held my stare, her eyes swirling with inky grey, as much power as she was left with after the war, but she smirked "Indeed", and the others relaxed.

I changed the subject, "I'm starving what's for breakfast". "Its two o'clock in the afternoon" Mor replied, a hand waving to the clock on the far wall. "Oh" I said sitting down in a chair, G bouncing on my leg. "How long have I- ""two days after you disappeared and 36 hours since we rescued you so three and a half days." Cassian replied with a snort, "Honestly, I don't even think I have ever slept for that long." I smiled at that and piled food on my plate, digging in. They updated me on what I missed when I was gone. The progress with the city, the utter quietness with the dark monsters and the rebels. I didn't dare open my mouth to tell them my theory on the former. I asked about my sisters who they informed me were good and coming soon. Elain was finishing up at a volunteer shelter and Nesta was running some errands. G I learned was taken care of by all my family in turns, I thanked them profusely for that. What would have happened to him If I didn't have my family? I didn't let myself think about that for too long. Az also told me what happened at my rescue, how the females saved me together, the power that came from G, how they have seen nothing from him since, he told me about Rhys too but skipped over some details telling me it was probably better if I talked with him. I nodded and made a note to wake him up soon, as much as I would wish I could let him sleep in we had things to do. We were the High lord and High Lady of the Night court and even though we were exhausted we didn't have the luxury of sleeping for two days straight. As if he had heard me Rhys walked down the stairs and took us in, took me in, his eyes roaming over me so slowly, took in G on my lap and smiled. He walked over and planted a kiss to my head and G's before sitting down next to me, piling food onto his own plate that appeared from the pocket realm. My family and I continued our conversation laughing as if things were back to normal. But it wasn't, we all had that look behind our eyes, all stopped and looked around at the silence after a laugh.

We strategized a little and by the end of it I felt so tired again, I knew Rhys was too, I could see it in his eyes, but we had to push on. I rotated my shoulders in emphasis as I said to Cassian "so let's train in an hour? We'll have some time to train before we have to do what we planned."" I think you should rest until tonight Feyre? How about tomorrow morning?" "No, how about today, I think I can decide how I feel thank you very much" his eyes narrowed but he put a smile on his face, probably realizing that I needed to work out, to let out my feelings in training; as we both did, one of the many similar things about us. "Fine, meet me in an hour" and I nodded getting up and grabbing my plate in one arm, G in the other. "G's hungry, I'll meet you guys for dinner tonight".

Want company darling? he purred into my head

Yes please

I didn't have the proper time to take him in earlier, I would spend this next hour showing him how much I missed him.

~

I landed on the training ring exactly an hour and 10 minutes later, to Cassian standing in the middle of the floor, arms crossed. "You're late" he said as a way of greeting.

I gave him a face as I began to peel of some of my layers and begin stretching. "You'll find out Cassian, that time is not really on your side when you have a screaming 11-month-old at home who would do anything just to not take a nap." He snorted. "Oh please, I had him for almost a whole day and he was a perfect little angel." That was the wrong thing to say, and he knew from the moment it passed his mouth. I know he noticed my tense posture and the way my eyes glazed over. I was gone, and they had to continue on without me; and because of the bargain I made with Rhys, Gawain under their watch may have not just been a day and a half thing; it could have been forever. I would have missed my baby boy growing up. But I was High Lady of the Night Court and those were sacrifices I knew I would have to make long before G came. I understood now why Rhys struggled between us, his family and being High Lord. The pain between the two is just so much to take sometimes.

"Feyre" Cassian began, "I'm sorry- "

I waved my hand at him to just begin and he lifted up his daggers as I studied his position. We had done this for weeks now, him leading me on for what felt like hours on end to then beat me when I was least expecting it. Then him criticizing me on what I did wrong. I pounced first, swinging with my left arm as I aimed low with my right. Swift and fast. New tactic today I decided. Make him believe I was tired, make him underestimate me and draining fast and then strike where he least expected it. We spend minutes twisting and turning, and I let him see me quickly 'tire out'. At first, he tried to slow down with me, to keep the pace and so he wouldn't hurt me, but I struck hard and he got the message. I blocked blows more than I attacked and I wasn't entirely faking when he struck down towards my head with both daggers, causing me to bring up my blades and making my arms wobble with the strength it took to hold him from slicing my face in two. But he pushed harder, his eyes bright as if saying hold me, push me away, I dare you.

So I did, I rallied strength behind my legs and with a big push I ducked low and spun, freeing myself from the position I had been in. It would have to be now then, now or never. The sweat was dripping down my back, my forehead and I 'weakly' blocked some more blows until I got him in the position I wanted. He dove for my side with one arm and my chest with his other, a trap that I easily avoided but Instead of stepping back, like any sane fae would do in this situation, I dropped low to a crouch, quick and swift, and brought my daggers up, up towards his chest. He was still reeling in from the previous move, he barely had time to step away and he stumbled back, stumbled. With space between us now Cassian looked at me with slightly wider eyes and brows high before smiling; understanding my plan all along. He opened his mouth to say something but a voice behind me cut him off, startling me.

"Too bad you missed Feyre" it was Nesta. I had yet to see her since the whole ideal. I relaxed my position and softly set down my knives, indicating our fight was over. It took me a second to settle down from the adrenaline. "I know" I replied back, "I'm not too happy about it myself" I said with a silent smile to Nesta, one she did not return. I didn't have time to contemplate what that look meant, not when Cassian snorted behind me, putting his own knives down "I am right here you know, and yes Feyre that move was quite impressive. You were faster today, maybe it was all that sleep you got" maybe, most likely not the real reason but I gave him a thankful smile and when I turned my head back to Nesta to ask her why she came I found her already stalking towards me. Was she going to hug me, I doubt she missed me that much?

She didn't hug me, instead she came right up to me and slapped me clean across the face. I doubled over to the side, clutching my aching cheek. "Nesta" Cassian growled at her and put himself between us, not grabbing her, or me, not until things really escalated, he gave us room to sort it out ourselves. But the surprise in me quickly turned to hot burning rage and as I stood up at full length, I stared into her eyes. Nesta's eyes widened and I could see the fear cross them, but she didn't move an inch, she held her position. But Cassian, Cassian swore and stepped in front of Nesta, glaring me down. "Feyre" he said cautiously, "Feyre calm down". I took a step towards them, towards Nesta, my gaze locked on her. I was going to hurt her for this, for slapping me. Cassian took a defensive position, ready to fight me.

Wings rustled somewhere and then suddenly Rhys was in front of me, out of breath and my chin in his hands, forcing me to look at him, to tear my gaze from Nesta. His eyes roamed over my face quickly before settling at my eyes. He furrowed his brows in confusion but not fear, not like Nesta and Cassian.

Feyre darling, breathe.

Breathe he said again into my mind, as If knowing that was where it was better to reach me.

He opened his mind for me, to look through his eyes, and a part of me went without really knowing why. But I did, and what I saw made me flinch. It was me but my eyes were black, fully black from rim to rim, and my face was tight as if every muscle in my face was taught. When I went back into my body, when I saw Rhys, really saw him this time, I felt the anger wash away quicker than throwing water onto a fire. My hands I realized as I looked down had small black shadows on my fingertips. No, not shadows, fire; black fire. Those vanished too when I willed it and I looked back up to Rhys, fear in my own eyes and he dropped my chin letting me figure this out, figure me out. The rage that coursed through my body, I had almost hurt Nesta, hurt my sister. I saw Cassian and Nesta then, Cass still in the same defensive position in front of Nesta. I took a step around Rhys and faced them, Cassian relaxing as he saw my eyes back to normal "I- I'm sorry-" I looked at my hands, remembering what I had looked like, I stumbled back and Rhys went to reach for me. I took another step back, out of his grasp. I could hurt them; I could hurt Cassian and my sister I realized. And I knew every emotion was written on my face, fear of myself taking over my trembling body. I had to get out, leave Velaris before I hurt someone or the city I cared about so dearly. So I did, I vanished, where I was winnowing to was still a mystery but somewhere safe, somewhere where I wouldn't hurt anybody, somewhere where I can discover this new part of me. I would be damned if I let it control me, I will just have to learn to control it instead.

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I think this has to be one of my favorite chapters.

Hope you guys love it too! comment what your favorite chapter so far has been.

-S