Chapter 33

Spencer Uley had started to believe the Cullen house wasn't anything special, and it was true. Now that the family was back, she understood it had never been the house that was intimidating but the people inside it. As she stepped out of her truck, knowing Carlisle would be the only one inside, she could feel the ever-present weight of their existence. The house was never special; it was the people who inhabited it that gave the four walls a sense of importance and magnificence. And it was unnerving.

She could feel her throat closing as she walked down the pebbled trek up to the door. The rocks crunched too loudly under her feet, drowning the sound of her racing heart. The very place where it all had truly started. She had learned of love and loss, of passion and grief. Everything that she had deemed the most meaningful had occurred behind those four walls. It was a place she had come to cherish and value, a house she had come to hate and fear. Now, it would become the place where she would give up the chance to any life alongside Carlisle. Even if it meant leaving behind a piece of her heart, it was something she felt she needed to do.

The large door swung open before she had a chance to knock on it, revealing an anxious and expectant Carlisle. There was a glint of hope shimmering brightly in his eyes as he stared at Spencer. It was clear he believed there was something left to save in their relationship.

And there was a point when she believed it, too. The only thing she had wanted was for Carlisle to burst through her door and tell her everything had been a bad dream. For months, she had longed for nothing more than another chance by his side to build a life with him and his family, no matter who or what she left behind. That was the type of hold he had on her—still had if she was truly honest with herself. But it was a control she could no longer give him freely. As much as it hurt her, broke her, she had to let him go.

"Spencer," Carlisle breathed, saying her name like a life-saving prayer. "It's good to see you again."

"Hello, Carlisle."

"The house is, uh, empty as per your wishes," he stammered as he stepped aside to let her through. "We can talk wherever you feel most comfortable."

"Might as well just do it here, I guess," the girl shrugged. "No need to seek privacy in an empty house."

"A-alright. Do you want anything? Water? Coffee? Anything?"

"I'm fine, Carlisle. I just want to get things over with," Spencer sighed. "The faster we get through this, the faster we can move on from it."

"Oh," he muttered defeatedly. "If that's what you want. Of course."

The man stumbled as he followed Spencer to the living room couch, unsure about everything he was doing. No step was right, no word was correct, nothing about him was normal—nothing about the situation was, either. He knew it was his fault. Every decision he had made and every choice he had taken had led him to a moment where he was about to lose the most important person he'd had the honor of knowing.

"Help me understand, Carlisle," Spencer said, breaking him out of his whirlwind thoughts. "Seven months ago, we were talking about the rest of our lives. We were literally planning for forever. Then, in a matter of days, you decided I wasn't worth fighting for. You abandoned me. You shattered my heart. You made me feel disposable, and you said some things that, quite frankly, you will never be able to take back. You and your family disappeared, leaving a path of destruction none of you were going to fix—or even willing to stay and fix. The only reason any of you came back was because Alice thought Bella had killed herself. Not because any of you were worried about how you left us, not because you wanted to rectify your mistakes. No. She came back because the mistake you all made was almost the reason Bella did something she would never be able to take back. Now, she might be okay with forgiving you all without so much as a real explanation or even a true apology, but I am not. "Carlisle, you hurt me. You trampled all over my heart and had the audacity to hurt yourself in some kind of penance," she seethed. Spencer didn't think her words would come out so sharply, pointed only to hurt. There was no mercy, no pity, not a single shred of kindness. She had nothing left to spare. "And I didn't go all the way to New York to save you just so you could be with your family. I wanted to look you in the eyes and demand answers, demand the explanation I deserve. You said you loved me, and you left me like I meant nothing. Why?"

Spencer was out of breath by the time she was done. Warm tears fell from her eyes, but unlike many times before, they were angry—red hot and steaming. There was no space for sadness anymore, not when all she felt was ire bubbling in her veins. She was hurt, and she wanted to hurt. Carlisle had his color back, as much as he had. He was perfectly recovered and healthy enough to hear all she had to say.

The man cleared his throat before trying to speak. He fought everything inside him that ached to touch her, comfort her in any way he could. But that wasn't his place anymore. Carlisle knew that no matter how much he loved her, he couldn't show it like he wanted to. "There are no words in any language that could ever express how truly sorry I am for what I did to you," he sighed, holding his hands to keep them from reaching out toward her. "And if you allow me, I'd like to try and help you understand why I chose to do things the way I did."

"That's what I'm asking for, Carlisle!" Spencer exclaimed. "Help me understand what could have possibly possessed you when you had me meet you in the middle of the forest just so you could break my heart?"

With a trembling sigh, the man braced himself and started his long-winded reason. "The last time I ever had a relationship, my heart was beating, and it was the 1600s," he said. "Before I was turned, I had been courting a young lady from my village, and we had recently gotten engaged to be wed. During the three days it took for the venom to take effect, all I could think about was hurting her. I hadn't seen her for the better part of a week, but I could still remember her scent. As I turned, it only heightened, and I could feel as I lost control little by little. After the change had finished, I ran, and I tried to find ways to end my life—not that any of them worked. But after that moment, I swore myself off love completely."

Carlisle's voice seemed to waver. For a creature with a heart that didn't beat and lungs that didn't breathe, he was trembling and out of breath. It was the most human Spencer had ever seen him. It made her resolution crack. Her heart ached from seeing him in pain, but the last thing she wanted was to break the promise she had made to herself. She needed to break the control Carlisle had over her. If he was able to do so much damage after only a few months of them being together, she didn't want to know what would happen if she allowed him back into her life.

"I... I don't understand, Carlisle," she stammered, taken aback by the story he was telling. Carlisle had told her many things from his past, but just like his expert ability at lying and acting, she had no idea it existed. "What does this have to do with what you did to me?"

"That was the first and last time I had felt that intense of a blood lust. Because when I met you, I felt a hunger that could never compare to what I felt that night," he continued. "It took me a long time to even be able to be in the same room as you when all I wanted to do was rip you apart. Somehow, I was able to learn to be with you, and I had the chance to have it all with you. I can honestly say being with you was the best thing that has happened in my centuries of living. "Then, Bella's accident happened, and everything came rushing back," Carlisle sighed. "After you left the morning after, Edward came to see me. The way Jasper reacted that night scared us. We knew that bringing you and Bella into the family would be difficult for him, but at that moment, we understood you were both in greater danger than we wanted to admit."

Spencer couldn't help the scoff that escaped her mouth. She wanted to trust everything he was saying. She wanted to believe that his concerns were warranted and came from a place of love and care. But there were aspects that didn't sit right with her. If he was telling the truth, there was still a side he was keeping in the shadows. "You slept with me that night, Carlisle," she said with a crack in her voice. "The next morning, we were promising each other eternity. It took a couple of hours for you to decide I was in danger, and it took you three days to decide I wasn't worth fighting for—or even trying, for that matter."

"It's not that I didn't want to fight for you—for us. Leaving you was the hardest thing I did and the decision I regret most in my life," Carlisle responded. "But, as stupid as it may sound, I was scared, Spencer. I was just as scared as the day I was turned. The last thing I wanted was to lose control with you, and I didn't trust myself not to."

"You're around blood all day in the hospital. We spent almost every waking hour together. The very first day we met, I had an open wound on my head. How could you not trust yourself to keep control?"

"Because that day was the closest I've ever been to killing a human in the centuries I've been alive," he admitted, his gaze finally meeting hers. Spencer knew vampires couldn't cry, but she was almost certain Carlisle was close to it. "Jasper losing control with Bella wasn't just an accident. It opened our eyes to what could happen. Jasper wasn't the only one close to breaking, Spencer. Everyone was. A house full of vampires, and all it took was a small paper cut to break their years-long resistance. Now, I was able to keep myself stable against her blood, but what would happen if it was yours? "Choosing to leave you was the hardest decision I ever made. But if it was between keeping you and keeping you safe, then it was the easiest choice for me," the man explained. "After that, I knew I had to keep you away for good. Just breaking up with you wasn't going to be enough, so I chose the words that would push you away."

All for nothing. Everything Carlisle had done had been all for nothing. All the careful manipulation, the grasping foresight, the unnecessary heartbreak... Spencer had gone through the most painful months of her life for nothing.

She could understand the fear. Of course, she could. The Uley girl didn't know what she would have done had she been in Carlisle's position—forced to decide between keeping the one you love safe or saving the relationship. But she couldn't imagine making the decisions he made.

"That's the reason I said those things, Spencer. As much as they killed me, they were the only way I knew you wouldn't try to fight for us," he confessed. "I didn't trust myself around you anymore. The more Edward explained the danger I could put you in—let alone any other vampire that could get to you to hurt us—the easier the decision became. If we weren't here and you didn't want to be anywhere near us, then I couldn't hurt you in any way you couldn't recover from. As idiotic and unavailing as it was in hindsight, I truly believed that was the best decision to make."

"Did it ever cross your mind to speak to me, Carlisle?" Spencer blurted. Her tears had dried, her heart had steadied, and all that was left was anger... disappointment, perhaps. Grief, most definitely. "Did you ever, for a second, think to tell me about what you were feeling? That we could have possibly resolved this with just one adult conversation. We could have saved ourselves months of anguish, of torture. This... what we're doing right now, everything could have been avoided had it ever crossed your mind that you should have talked to me."

"Spencer, I..."

"No, Carlisle! I get that you were scared—terrified. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to be in your body, to do everything in your power to deny your nature," she said. "But I will never understand how you could say you love me and do what you did. You made me feel disgusting for wanting to choose you. You made me feel like loving you was the worst decision I could have ever made... and maybe it was."

"I didn't want to hurt you, Spencer," Carlisle lamented. "I know I made a mistake... a horrible, unnecessary, huge mistake. But you need to understand I thought I was doing what was best for you."

"You were doing what was best for you," she seethed. "Nothing you did was for me. You took the easy road out, then punished yourself for the choices you made. Now, you want to make it seem like this was all an act of mercy."

"That's not... I just want you to understand why I did what I did," he sighed, struggling to find the right words to set their conversation back on track. "I didn't know things would get so bad, and I honestly thought I would never see you again."

"And that makes it okay? You told me I would become insignificant. That your love for me would simply become a grain of sand in your life. You said that."

"I was lying, okay!" the man finally exclaimed, his composure shattering as the seconds passed. He couldn't contain himself any longer, reaching forward to take her hand in his. "There is not a day that has passed that I have stopped loving you. I had to lie because I love you."

"Clearly that means nothing," Spencer sighed as she wiped away the last of her tears and pulled her hand back. "Or maybe you don't know what that word truly means. Because I do, Carlisle. I love you to the point that I had to drown it away with alcohol. I love you enough to fly to the other side of the country to make sure you came back to your family, safe. I love you enough that I let you close your hands around my throat until I wasn't sure my eyes would open again."

"Spencer..."

"I can't do this anymore, Carlisle. I lost so much simply by loving you. I even lost myself," she said. "I think it's best we put this matter to rest today. I'll see you at the hospital, I'll probably see you in town, but that's it. I can be cordial; I can be professional. But that's as far this will ever go."

"I-is that what you truly want, Spencer? You want to just end things?"

"You ended them long ago, Carlisle. But at least you got your wish. You won't be able to hurt me anymore. See you tomorrow, Dr. Cullen."

Without another word, Spencer turned around and left the very same way she had come in. Carlisle wanted to follow her out, fall to his knees, and beg her for one more chance. He wanted her to know he would plead for the rest of his life if he had to. But there was one thing that kept him in his place. She had said love in the present tense. Maybe he was grasping at straws, but that little word had sunk deep into his brain. If Spencer was still in love with him, he would bide his time quietly and wait until the right moment.

Uncertainty clouded Spencer's mind as she drove back to her house. She knew she had done the right thing. The power Carlisle had over her was too strong, and it had overtaken her entirely. While loving him, she had done and said so many things she could never have imagined she would. She had lied, she had used, she had betrayed most of the people she loved. And she had lost who she was, who she had worked so hard to become.

Yet, even if she believed it had been the right choice, she couldn't help the wrench she felt in her chest. The farther she drove from the Cullens' house, the tighter it became. There was a part of her begging her to turn back around. Her story with Carlisle wasn't over and deep down, she knew it—she could feel it deep inside her. It whispered in her ears and tugged at her heartstrings, clouding her mind and making her resolution tremble.

For a moment, Spencer didn't know what road she was driving down. Her mind was working without her conscience, taking her where it thought she needed to be. Before she knew it, she was turning off her truck and knocking against a wooden door. It was only midday, but there were no cars in front of the house, and she didn't know if anyone would be home. She didn't even know if there was anyone inside she'd want to talk to.

But before she could turn around and drive to her house, the door swung open.

"Tell me I did the right thing," she blurted as tears forced their way out of her eyes. "Tell me I didn't push away the man I love for nothing."

"Come inside, Spence. You look like you could use something to eat."