Chapter 24

The last place Spencer wanted to be in was a funeral. Especially when guilt clung to her like a dark cloud. It didn't matter how many people told her it wasn't her fault or that there was nothing more she could have done. She couldn't help it.

Harry's heart had taken its last beat under her hands, it had stopped while she was the one caring for him. And even if it had flatlined, she felt like there was more she could have done. Maybe if she had kept going, he would have magically come back. Stranger things than that had happened. To her, it didn't matter if he'd had heart problems or that the pressure on the organ had been too much for recovery. She simply felt there was something else she could do. Anything else.

Clad in a dark dress, Spencer made her way to the Clearwater house. But once there, she could not make it past the first step. Tears flooded her eyes as she stared at the front door, the murmurs from the inside rushing to her ears. How could she face them? How could she face all the people who loved Harry and tell them there may have been more to do?

"Spence?" a voice broke her out of her trance. The girl turned to find a worried Paul walking toward her, and fight or not, she found herself crashing into his arms. They fell to the ground as he cradled her in his arms, allowing her to crumble. "Hey, you're okay. You're okay."

"It's my fault, Paul," she cried. "It's my fault he's gone."

"It is absolutely not your fault, Spence," he whispered. "You did all you could. Sam told us how hard you fought to keep him alive. There was nothing else you could do, Spence. It was just his time."

"No. I could have saved him," she continued. "I should have saved him."

"He was a man with pre-existing heart conditions that had the scare of a lifetime, Spence. There was no way he would have survived this. There was nothing more to do," he said. "Unburden yourself of his death because it was not, and never will be your fault."

With teary eyes, Spencer finally allowed herself to look up at her friend, feeling her chest lighten at his words. Even if the knot was still there, she could feel herself growing used to the feeling, and others started to come to the surface. "I thought you were mad at me," she sniffled, sitting on the ground as her breathing steadied. "Why are you here comforting me?"

"Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I'd walk past you when you're crying," he said, sitting next to her. "You're still my best friend, Spence."

"So, does that mean you're still mad at me?"

"Not as much as before," he teasingly shrugged, shoving her softly. "I will admit, in the time that we've been apart, I've had a chance to think about my actions, and I have to say I may have overreacted a little bit. I knew you didn't feel the same way I did, but I still let myself think that we'd one day be more. Then I got mad at you when you didn't act the way I thought you should. I got my feelings hurt and I took it out on you. I'm sorry for that, Spence."

"Well, if we're airing out our grievances, I should apologize for using you like I did," she admitted. "I knew how you felt about me, and I still asked you to do something almost impossible. I should never have asked you to get involved with my moving on in the way I did. You didn't deserve that, and I'm sorry."

"I'm the one that said yes, Spencer. I knew what I was getting into, and I still said yes," he refuted. "I had every chance to say no, but I chose to stay. So, I'm sorry."

"No, Paul. If I hadn't..."

"Look, we're not gonna spend the rest of the morning saying sorry back and forth, Spence," he chuckled. "Let's just agree we both fucked up and go back to being friends. I've missed you for far too long."

"I've missed you too, Paul," she sniffled once more. "I have so much to tell you."

"Let's get through this first, okay? Then we have all the time in the world to catch up."

"Sounds like a plan."

With Paul by her side, the funeral was easier to bear. Though the pitiful stares and the sorrys were getting to her, having her best friend helped appease her guilt and her sadness. She was able to face the heartbroken Clearwater family and offer them condolences, embracing a terrified Seth and a heartbroken and detached Leah. There were no words she could tell them that could make the moment better. No amount of condolences or blessings would assuage the pain of losing their father in such a tragic way. And telling them she felt guilty about his passing would never compare to the guilt she was sure his daughter already felt.

Leah's face was stoic, plastered with anger and despair. But Spencer knew what she was hiding. She could sense the girl's self-reproach; it was the same she was feeling. To her, it was unmistakable. That hidden darkness in her eyes, the staggering in her breath, the closed-off posture. The Uley girl knew the signs all too well. They had been etched into her skin like an infected tattoo for years, making her skin itch and swell, but nevertheless remaining, staining. A mark that she would carry for the rest of her life. And now, so would poor Leah.

Spencer wanted to show her support in any way she could, but she knew her words did not mean anything yet. The last thing the girl needed was to hear from the sister of the guy who had broken her heart. No. What she needed for the moment was space—time to grieve and process the trauma she had just gone through.

So, instead of badgering the girl with empty words and sentiments like most people were doing, she let her be.

"Hey, Spencer," Seth startled her as he sat down beside her on the front porch. "Sorry. I just wanted to thank you for what you did for my dad. Mom told us how hard you tried to save him."

"You don't have to thank me, Seth," she smiled sadly. "I was simply doing my job."

"I know it was more than that," he chuckled softly. "He cared about you, you know? He always knew you'd be going far, and he was right. A doctor at only 19? I'd say that's pretty far. I mean, I'm only fifteen and the most impressive thing I've done is become a wolf, and I didn't even do it on purpose."

"Well, I'm still a student," she said, but noting his annoyance, she chuckled. "But I get what you're saying. I cared about him a lot too. I just wish I hadn't been so busy these few months and got to spend more time with him. He always treated Sam and me with so much love and kindness, I can't help but regret not giving as much as I received from him."

"Nah, he knew how much you loved him," Seth shrugged. "Honestly, we almost made you a forbidden name in our house because of how much he talked about you. When Leah got angry and would bring up that you hadn't been in the rez for years, he always shut her down and told us you were putting us on the map. The more time you spent away, the prouder he was. I'm sure he knows how hard you fought for him and how much you loved him."

"You're too smart, kid," Spencer hid a sniffle with a chuckle as she messed with his hair. "But don't worry about me. How are you?"

"Honestly, I think I'm still in shock," he sighed. "I woke up today hoping to find him on his chair, reading the newspaper, just waiting to talk to us about being wolves. Instead, I woke up to people rearranging the living room to fit his casket for the showing. It's weird and confusing, and I think it hasn't hit me quite yet. But, honestly, it's Leah that I'm most worried about. She's taking it really hard."

"That's to be expected, unfortunately. It was no easy thing what she went through—what you both went through," the girl said. "It's gonna take some time for her to feel normal again. At least a new version of normal. She's gonna need us all, even if she thinks she wants to push us away."

"I just wish she knew it wasn't her fault. That no one blames her for what happened."

"It's gonna take some time, kid," Spencer said as she hugged his side. "But we'll be here. Every step of the way."

Three hours felt like an eternity as the veil of grief draped itself over the Clearwater house. Even as they celebrated the life of Harry, the sadness was inevitable in the moment. It clung to the walls, to the floor, the very air they breathed. It was everywhere they went, even if no one had invited it in. Three hours was far too long for Spencer. Three hours had been enough for her.

With a final walk around of condolences and sad smiles, Spencer decided she had reached her grief limit. As much as she wanted to spend more time with the family, she needed to be able to breathe. If she stayed any longer in that house, she was afraid she'd never be okay again.

But her day did not end once she left the funeral. She had promised Bella she would see her right after, and a part of her regretted agreeing to go all the way to Forks. There was nothing she could think of that could warrant Bella's insistence that she visit her. Spencer knew it couldn't be about Victoria because Jacob wouldn't have left the girl's side for a second. It couldn't have been about Harry since she hadn't gone to the funeral. The only thing that she could imagine was impossible and downright infuriating.

And yet, as she rounded the corner to Bella's street, a car made her breath hitch in her throat. The black Mercedes was unmistakable, and just the sight of it made the girl's heart hammer against her chest. Not only was it surprising that it was there, but that it was the first time she had heard about it.

Mixed feelings rushed through Spencer's body as she got closer to the house. Just the idea of seeing him unnerved her. But she couldn't quiet the part of her that hoped it was him behind the door, waiting, expecting her. She couldn't stop the thought that he had come back for her, to tell her that he had made the biggest mistake of his life by letting her go. Still, that wasn't the part that was winning in her mind.

Anger quickly surged to the top as she made her way to the front door. Words of ire and disappointment rapidly formed on her tongue, ready to be spat the second she saw golden eyes staring back at her. Because he shouldn't have been there. He had no right.

"Bells?" Spencer called out, finding the door unlocked. "I'm here."

Suddenly, a face she had seen one too many times appeared, worry splattered across her face like a stain. It wasn't the one she was expecting, but it was a surprise, nonetheless.

Before she could say anything, Alice Cullen had her arms around Spencer as though no time had passed. It was borderline the softest touch and a bone-crushing hug all at the same time. There was only love and happiness coming from the vampire. But it was something Spencer couldn't reciprocate.

"Alice," she found herself whispering. Her voice came out in a hush, a tone so low only the supernatural would be able to hear it. "W-what's going on? Why are you here?"

"Well, I thought Bella had died," she said. "I had this vision that after the whole cliff diving fiasco, she didn't make it out of the water. It wasn't until I got here that I found out a wolf had saved her."

"And you couldn't have called?" Spencer asked, sounding colder than she intended. "One phone call could have cleared everything up."

"I wasn't really thinking," Alice continued. "And then Rose told Edward what happened before I could confirm anything, and now he's about to commit the dumbest mistake of his life."

"Again, a phone call would work."

"Oh, you know Edward won't believe me until he sets eyes on her," the girl dismissed, pa omg as her head raced with thought, oblivious to Spencer's coldness. "Regardless, he's not picking up his phone. Goodness, first, Carlisle goes missing as soon as we're out of Forks, and now Edward wants to get killed. What is happening to this family?"

Spencer couldn't hear anything after the mention of Carlisle's name. I'm her head, he was thriving in life being a big shot head doctor at some other hospital, he was with his family being the mysterious Cullens somewhere else. But Alice had said he had disappeared. Over half a year had passed, and none of them had heard from their father figure. Not even Alice's visions had seemed to help the situation.

"W-what do you mean Carlisle is missing?" Spencer's voice broke Alice's incessant rambling. "I thought he was with you."

"Oh, no, Spencer," she brought her hands to her mouth. "I shouldn't have said that. I didn't..."

"How could he just disappear, Alice? Where could he have gone to that none of you know where he is?"

"I don't..."

"Oh, Spencer!" Bella called out as she rushed down her stairs, a backpack hanging from her shoulder. "I'm sorry, but we have to cut this visit short. I don't know if Alice told you..."

"No," she spat. "Alice hasn't said much of anything. At least not anything of much importance."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, not only do I come here to find Alice after over six months of radio silence, but now I find out that no one in the family knows where Carlisle has gone." His name rolling out of her tongue felt bittersweet. It made her heart flutter with the intensity of the bat of a million butterfly wings, but it made her stomach churn as though she'd been stuck at sea for too much time. It was refuge and terror all wrapped up in a beautiful word. "But I guess what interests you more is the fact that Edward thinks you're dead."

"I didn't...," Bella stammered before turning to the vampire. "You didn't say Carlisle was missing. All you said was that it wasn't him on the phone. Carlisle's missing?"

"Look, I'm sorry. But he's the least of my worries right now," Alice exhaled. "Esme has been looking for him and has some good leads. Right now, I care about the fact that Edward is going to get himself killed by the Volturi in Italy. I wish this could have been a beautiful reunion, but it is what it is."

"Bella, you know you don't have to do this, right?" Spencer blurted. "You are not under the obligation of saving him after what he did to you."

"I know," the girl sighed. "But I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try to help him live. As much as he hurt me, the love I have for him is far greater than our past. Wouldn't you do the same for Carlisle?"

It should have been an easy answer. Yes. If it meant that Carlisle was alive and well, of course, she would have jumped on a plane and traveled around the world to save him. Yes. Three letters. One confirmation. That should have been easy to say.

But a voice inside her yelled no. As much as she loved and yearned for him, Spencer couldn't say yes. Not when he had ripped her heart to shreds purposefully. Not when he had said things he'd never be able to take back. She should have said no. Just no.

"I don't know," she said instead. "Maybe I'm not as strong as you."

"No," Bella smiled softly, taking Spencer's hands in hers. "You're stronger."

"Just be careful out there, Bells. Even if they don't return, come home."

"I promise," she said. "And I'm sure Carlisle is okay. Esme will find him soon enough."

"He can take care of himself. I'm more worried about you," Spencer said, squeezing Bella's hands comfortingly before turning to Alice. "You better make sure nothing happens to her. Leaving us is one thing. But if anything else happens to Bella under your watch, that's gonna be unforgivable."

"She'll be safe, I promise," the vampire peeped, a shake in her voice that almost sounded like she was terrified. "I won't let anything happen to her."

Turning back around, Spencer continued. "Be safe, Bella," she said as she took the girl in for a tight hug. "And I'll make sure your dad is safe and doesn't get too angry about your impromptu trip."

"Thank you, Spence," she chuckled softly. "Whatever happens, we'll always have the Cullen Discard Club."

"Best club to be in," Spencer laughed. "Now, go. And be safe."

Spencer wanted to stop Bella. Shake the girl until she finally saw reason. But she couldn't lie, she understood. As she watched the black car disappear down the road, she couldn't help the worry that overtook her body as she thought back to Carlisle. She couldn't help but wonder where he had gone to hide, if he was safe, if he had fed.

It took everything in her to close the Swan door behind her and go back to her home. There was nothing she could do for him anymore, that much she knew. But there was an itch inside her that begged to find him, that called on her to make sure he was okay. It was the same voice she shared with Bella. The love you could only have for someone that had infected your soul.

When she got back, her house was quiet, and it was just what she needed—silence. It allowed her to just be, to just feel—no judgment or anger—just silence. It was so quiet that as she removed her coat, a piece of paper fell from the pocket and clattered softly against the ground.

With genuine interest, Spencer picked it up and wondered how it had gotten there until she read it.

This is Esme's number. Just in case you wanted it.

I truly am sorry for everything.

-Alice

Spencer didn't know when the vampire had written the letter—not that, with her speed, she would have ever noticed—but a small part of her was grateful for it.

That night, she went to bed staring at the piece of paper, wondering what she would do with it. She could have picked it up and called Esme, gathered as much information as she could to help in her search, joined her in New York, and turned it upside down until they could find him. Then again, she could have done absolutely nothing at all.