23. never tear us apart

𝐵𝐸𝐹𝑂𝑅𝐸 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐶𝐻𝐴𝑃𝑇𝐸𝑅 𝐵𝐸𝐺𝐼𝑁𝑆, 𝐹𝑂𝑅 𝐴𝑁𝑌𝑂𝑁𝐸 𝑊𝐻𝑂 𝐷𝐼𝐷𝑁'𝑇 𝑆𝐸𝐸 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑇𝐼𝐾𝑇𝑂𝐾 𝐼 𝑃𝑂𝑆𝑇𝐸𝐷 𝐸𝐴𝑅𝐿𝐼𝐸𝑅 𝐼 𝐽𝑈𝑆𝑇 𝑊𝐴𝑁𝑇𝐸𝐷 𝑇𝑂 𝑆𝐴𝑌 𝑇𝐻𝐴𝑁𝐾 𝑌𝑂𝑈 𝐴𝐿𝐿 𝑆𝑂 𝑀𝑈𝐶𝐻 𝐹𝑂𝑅 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐶𝑂𝑁𝑆𝑇𝐴𝑁𝑇 𝑆𝑈𝑃𝑃𝑂𝑅𝑇 𝑂𝑁 𝑀𝑌 𝐹𝐼𝐶𝑆, 𝐼 𝐿𝑂𝑉𝐸 𝑌𝑂𝑈 𝐴𝐿𝐿 𝑆𝑂 𝑀𝑈𝐶𝐻!

𝑊𝐴𝑅𝑁𝐼𝑁𝐺.• panic attacks

There's always that small, brief moment in the morning right when you wake up after something traumatic has happened where everything is good. There's nothing to worry about because your mind has temporarily let go of all your built up fear and rage. It's like your conscious and your subconscious came together while you were sleeping and decided to allow you a split-second moment of genuine peace. You try to hold onto that, but, eventually, reality sets in, and you realize that nothing has changed.

You're still caught in the same whirlwind of pain, swept up by the unforgiving hand of pure, agonizing adversity, fated to spend your days walking the earth with a cloud of calamity constantly churning around you.

Nothing could've broken your heart more than waking up in bed, basking in that pithy moment of perfect peace before you finally realized that Spencer wasn't in bed with you. You sat up quickly, leaning back on your hands as you glanced frantically around the room until you saw him.

He was standing by the window, peeking out from behind the closed curtains, searching for any possible glimpse of movement in the distance. He looked like a mess— his shirt was wrinkled and it wasn't tucked in all the way, his tie hanging loose. His disheveled hair was sticking up in random spots, his glasses pushed up on his nose.

"Jesus Christ, you scared me," you said to him as you pushed the covers back, standing from the bed. "What are you doing? Did you see something?"

Spencer shrugged his shoulders, pulling the curtains shut as he turned around to look at you. "I don't know. I thought I saw a flash or something, but... I- I guess I was wrong."

He looked exhausted. You walked over to him, wrapping your arms around his waist as you asked, "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"I tried." His voice was quiet as he spoke. You almost wondered if he'd been crying before you woke up, the raspiness in his voice clouting your heart, feeling it break for him all over again. "I just... I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his face."

"Well, I'm glad you at least tried," you said, smiling at him as you moved to stand in front of him, smoothing your hands over his shirt and tucking it in, reaching up to readjust his tie. Spencer watched you as you worked, his eyes studying you as you leaned forward on your tip-toes, combing the knots out of his hair with your fingers.

"Thank you."

His voice was so quiet, you'd barely even heard him. You pulled your hands away, smiling up at him as you asked, "For what?"

"For being here."

He closed his eyes, sighing as you took his hands in yours, squeezing them. "I know we need to talk about last night, but I-"

"-Hey," you said quickly, shaking your head at him. "I don't expect anything from you. I hope you know that. We'll talk when you're ready. I can wait."

Spencer nodded his head, his eyes still closed as he told you, "I just want this whole fucking thing to be over."

"I know," you whispered as you leaned your head against his chest, listening to the rhythmic, soft beating of his heart.

"Hotch wants me, you, and JJ to go talk to my mom," Spencer said to you. "But I told him to let you sleep in first. I said that we'd go as soon as you were awake."

"Spencer, you didn't have to do that," you gasped, letting go of his hands as you quickly made your way into the bathroom, changing out of your pajamas.

"I wanted to," you heard him say.

"Okay, well, just so you know— we're stopping for food on the way, then," you told him as you combed your hair out with your brush, pulling the knots free. "You haven't eaten anything since you threw up yesterday. Even if you take two bites— that's all I'm asking."

You noticed Spencer was staring at you in the mirror, his hazel eyes brimming with tears. You whirled around and looked at him, your eyes wide as you asked, "What? What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just..." Spencer let out a small, hesitant laugh, shaking his head to himself before he looked at you as a single tear dripped down his cheek. "I- I don't know what I'd do with myself if I didn't have you here right now. I... I- I love you so much."

You smiled at him, setting your brush down as you said, "I love you, too."

Spencer brought his hands up to his face, rubbing his eyes furiously as he shook his head. You'd noticed him doing it before whenever he got worked up over something. "God, this is such bad fucking timing," he groaned. "I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this one bit. I'm-"

"-Don't you dare apologize to me for something you had nothing to do with," you told him. "Like I said—" You walked over to him, squeezing his wrist as you looked up at him— "I can wait. Now, come on."

~~~

"Mrs. Reid— Diana," JJ called softly to the older woman seated by the window, her chin placed in the palm of her hand as she stared out at the bright green turf stretching across the sanatorium lawn. "Is there anything you can tell us?"

"Anything?" Diana replied. Her voice was soft as she spoke, never once looking away from the window as she pointedly replied, "I'll tell you one thing— William Reid was a gigantic pain in my ass. But he was still the love of my life."

"And he gave me the best gift that I've ever known." Her eyes flicked to her son seated on the couch beside her, his head hung as he stared down at the floor, playing with his glasses in his hands. You were sitting beside him. You placed a hand over his knee and he quickly grasped it, squeezing it as he sighed, pushing his frames back up on his nose.

"Has anyone come by recently?" JJ asked Diana.

"No. No one ever comes and visits me except Spencer," she replied.

"There hasn't been anyone, then?" JJ continued. "Asking questions about Spencer or William, wanting to know where either one of them was or who they were? Or maybe just asked you unusual questions in general?"

Diana pressed her lips into a thin line, thinking for a moment. "There was one girl, actually."

"A girl?" Spencer raised his head as he looked over at his mother, running his hand over his thigh in an attempt to cling desperately to what little composure he had left. "What do you mean? Did she say anything?"

Diana nodded her head at him. "She came into my room and said that she'd been hired to paint a mural in the yard outside and that she was gathering polls from the residents on what she should do. And, I mean... she asked me questions. Like if I had a family and where they lived and worked, but... I didn't think anything of it until now. I thought she was just being mannerly."

Diana let out a small gasp, holding her hand over her mouth as she said, "Oh, god. Th- That was her, wasn't it? She's the one who killed William and I- I led her right to him!"

JJ pulled her phone out of her back pocket, looking over at you and Spencer as she said, "I'll call Hotch."

"Mom, why didn't you say anything?" Spencer quickly asked.

Diana shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself as she said, "I- I don't know. I didn't think it was relevant. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"JJ, wait," you called to her, standing to your feet as Spencer gripped your hand, refusing to let you go. "Black paint was used at the crime scene and she said she was painting a mural? I think the unsub might be a painter, or maybe even just a street artist."

JJ nodded at you as she brought her phone up to her ear, walking out of the room to call Hotch, leaving you and Spencer alone in the room with Diana. "I'm so sorry, honey," she said quickly, her voice soft as she spoke. "I wasn't even thinking. This... This is all my fault."

Spencer, still clinging perilously to your hand, reached out with his other and placed it over his mom's shoulder, speaking genially to her, "It's not your fault, Mom. It's okay. Don't worry. We're gonna find the girl who did this."

"You know he loved you, right?"

Diana's eyes flicked to Spencer, filled with tears that threatened to fall. "William. He was a damned selfish prick but that man loved you with every ounce of his being. You were his son— his pride and joy. And I know... I know that if he could, he would've gone back and changed the past in a heartbeat."

Spencer didn't say anything as she spoke. His hand slowly left her shoulder, his other one clutching yours, squeezing it tighter and tighter with every word that left Diana's mouth. "I just wish that he'd had the strength to tell you that. He knew it. I knew it. He should've told you how much you meant to him before he died."

"Mom, stop, this isn't... this isn't what I wanna hear right now," Spencer said, shaking his head rapidly at her.

"Spencer-"

"-No!"

He let go of your hand, placing both his hands over his ears as he shook his head hastily, saying, "Stop! I don't- I don't wanna hear it! Stop!"

He ran out of the room and you jumped to your feet, calling out to him, "Spencer!"

"I shouldn't have said anything," Diana sighed. You looked down at her as she swiped at a tear, shaking her head to herself. "Spencer's never liked talking about his father. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have said anything to him about it."

"No, he's just... He's confused right now. He still doesn't know how to feel about all this," you replied as you sat down beside her, placing your hand over her knee.

"You should go after him."

Diana looked up at you, smiling sadly as she said, "I know something's going on between you two. You didn't hide it very well. You should go after him. Don't worry about me. JJ's coming back soon anyway."

You sat there for a moment, hesitant, before you finally nodded your head at her and stood from the couch, running after Spencer. You found him outside, standing there, holding his hands over his ears as he hyperventilated loudly, shaking his head to himself. "Spencer. Spencer," you called to him, running over to him and grabbing his wrists. "Look at me. Come on, baby, open your eyes."

Spencer did as he was told, opening his eyes as he looked down at you, tears promptly slipping down his cheeks. "Okay. That's it. Keep your eyes on me. Concentrate on your breathing," you said, moving your thumbs in gentle circles over his skin. "Tell me what you need. Do you need something from me?"

Spencer shook his head quickly, and you nodded your head, saying to him, "Okay. Just take deep breaths. Okay? You can do it. Take a deep breath." Spencer nodded his head, sucking in a deep breath as you held onto him, nodding your head. "There you go. You got it." Spencer closed his eyes as he exhaled, steadying his breathing, hanging his head in humiliation. "Good job. That's it. I'm so proud of you. You got it," you smiled at him, moving your hands down to his forearms, squeezing them.

"I'm sorry," he panted to you, opening his eyes as he swiped at his tears.

"Don't be sorry. Come on— let's get you some water." You pulled Spencer inside, leading him over to the water cooler sitting in the corner. You grabbed a plastic cup, filling it with the cool drink before you handed it to Spencer, saying, "Drink all of that. You need it."

Spencer nodded his head, tipping his head back as he sipped the water, passing the empty cup to you as soon as he finished. You smiled at him, taking it from him as you turned around, throwing it away. "Come on," you said, grabbing his hand. "Let's go wait in the car. I'll text JJ and let her know where we are."

Spencer gripped your hand as you led him outside, letting out a vociferous, drawn out sigh. "I keep... I keep going over it in my head," he told you. "What we were doing a year ago that could've led to all of this, but I... I- I just don't know. I don't know what I did. What did I do wrong? What did I do to make this girl hate me? Or not... hate me... but... become obsessed with me? I just... I don't understand what I did wrong. I don't-"

You stopped in your tracks, releasing Spencer's hand as you grabbed his shoulders, looking up at him. "-Spence, you did nothing wrong," you told him.

"It really feels like it."

"You didn't," you replied, shaking your head. "I promise— none of this is your fault. It's hers. Whoever this psycho bitch is, it's her fault. It's..."

Your voice trailed off as soon as you noticed the bright red paint smeared across the side of the SUV parked nearby, a different word ricocheting off the black exterior, hitting you directly in the chest, your heart immediately starting to race.

Thief.

"Spencer," you said, hitting your hands lightly against his chest, motioning to the van. Spencer whirled around, looking over at the SUV parked in the distance, his eyes widening.

That was the last thing you saw before you felt a sharp, poignant sensation in the back of your head, everything fading into black as you slipped to the ground, hearing Spencer calling your name as you completely blacked out.

~~~

𝐴𝑈𝑇𝐻𝑂𝑅'𝑆 𝑁𝑂𝑇𝐸.WARNING: A TON OF SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. 5 more chapters of COMN are left!! how do we feel about that🤭