22. sign of the times

Spencer flung his arms around you, clinging to you as if you would slip away from his grasp at any given moment. His sobs were muffled against your neck, his body shaking as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer to you. "I'm so fucking sorry," he choked out, turning his head to the side so that you could hear him. "I'm sorry. I'm so-"

"-Please don't apologize," you quickly whispered to him, combing your fingers through his hair as you leaned your head against his, closing your eyes.

"I didn't mean anything that I said," Spencer told you as he pulled his head away from you, swiping at his tears. "I promise. I- I just wasn't thinking clearly. I-"

"-It's okay," you spoke over him, shaking your head at him. "I know you didn't mean it."

"Wait there." You walked over to the door, peeking around the corner before closing the door behind you and locking it. You turned around to face Spencer, grabbing his hand in yours as you whispered, "Come on."

You led him over to the bed, letting him fall limp in your arms as he cried softly. You pulled your fingers through his hair, letting him cry into your shoulder as you held him, whispering small encouragements in his ear. "I treated you like fucking shit," he rasped, clinging to your arm that was around him. "I- I treated everyone like that."

"We know you didn't mean it," you told him.

"I- It's just... It's like there's this void inside my chest now," Spencer said to you. His breath hitched in his throat, digging his nails into your skin as he tried to cling to any prudent security he had left. "Like... I- I don't know how to feel. I just feel empty, a- and numb. So fucking numb. And I... I don't know what's going on. I can't think straight. My brain can't focus on anything and I just want it to stop. I want it to fucking stop and I- I don't know how."

He pulled away from you, burying his face in his hands as his shoulders raked languidly, his voice catching in his throat as he spoke. "Wh- What's wrong with me, (Y/N)?"

"Oh, baby, nothing's wrong with you," you soothingly whispered to him, tears beginning to prick your own eyes as you watched Spencer Reid completely unravel in front of you in a mess of broken sobs and turbulent notions.

"I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind," Spencer sobbed, shaking his head to himself. "One moment, I was realizing that I didn't want to spend another fucking second without you in my life, and in the next, I was being told that my dad is fucking dead and that someone's been stalking me for the past year and I... Wh- Where did I go wrong, (Y/N)? What did I do to deserve this?"

You placed your hand on his thigh as you swiped at a tear, trying to ignore the curiously that beckoned you to ask him what he meant by his words. "I would give anything for all this to go away. Anything," Spencer choked out, swiping at his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. "When does it stop? At what point does the pain decide to fucking stop?"

"I feel like I'm trapped inside this endless tunnel of suffering, doomed to spend the rest of my life always wondering at what point does the universe look at a person and say, 'I think I've done enough,'" Spencer told you.

"Come here," you said, losing control of your tears as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into you. You planted a kiss on his forehead, closing your eyes as you leaned your head against his. "I know I can't say anything that'll take the pain away," you told him, your voice breaking as you spoke. "And I hate that. I hate seeing you like this, knowing there's nothing I can do but hold you."

Spencer wrapped his arms around your waist, burying his face in your chest as he started to cry. "I would give fucking anything to put an end to your pain, Spence," you told him. "You mean everything to me. You're the-"

"-I love you."

The words were so quiet, you thought you'd just imagined them. Your heartbeat quickened as Spencer clung to you, crying softly into your chest. "And I fucking ruined everything," he added, his tears soaking your shirt.

You hadn't imagined them then.

Spencer pulled away from you, swiping at his tears. "You didn't ruin anything," you said quickly, taking his hand in yours.

"You don't have to lie. I was a fucking asshole to you." Spencer looked over at you, his eyes red and puffy from his tears and exhaustion combined, his lip trembling as he spoke. "I don't want this to be over. I- I don't want us to be over. Ever. I'm sorry. I... L- Let me make it up to you."

Spencer reached over with his other hand, cupping your cheek as he pulled you into him, pressing his lips softly to yours. His other hand pushed you gently down on the bed, swinging his leg over you. You shook your head, knowing what he wanted to do, mumbling, "Stop," against his lips. Spencer continued kissing you, reaching down to pull your shirt off until you quickly snatched his wrists, turning your head to the side as you cried, "No!"

You looked up at him, chewing nervously on your lip for a moment. "Spencer," you called softly to him, reaching up to cup his cheeks, "I'm not going to fuck you— not with all that's going on. You're not in the right headspace for this."

Spencer looked down at you, pure heartache in his eyes. You swiped at his tears with your thumbs, pushing a hand through his curls as you said, "Okay?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." You smiled reassuringly at him as he pulled away from you, sniffling. "Hey," you said as you sat up on the bed, placing your hand over his thigh. "Let me take care of you for once."

You pulled him into the bathroom, helping him strip off his clothes before walking over to the shower, turning the knob to warm. You peeled your own clothes off, folding them on the bed before guiding Spencer into the shower, pushing his body beneath the shower head. The water beat down his body, washing over him as he stared off into space, completely empty.

"Can you lean down for me?" You asked him, and he did, bending down so that you could reach him. You squeezed the shampoo into your hand, lathering it in Spencer's curls as he stood in front of you, his body stiff, emotionally drained. You pushed him up, standing on the tips of your toes as you scrubbed the shampoo out, the soap trailing down his body, swirling around the drain below.

Water sprayed onto your body as you moved to the conditioner next, giving Spencer a small smile before he leaned down, letting you smooth the conditioner over his hair. He stood up, looking down at you as you placed your hands over his bare chest, smiling sadly at him.

"You're so fucking strong," you whispered, cupping his cheek. Spencer closed his eyes, leaning into your touch as you brushed your thumb over his cheek, swiping at another fallen tear.

"You're the strongest person that I know," you told him.

"That's not true."

"Don't you dare try and fight me on this. You've been through so much and you still manage to have the biggest fucking smile on your face. You're definitely the strongest," you said to him.

Spencer opened his eyes, placing his hand over yours as he looked down at you, the water dripping down both your bodies, encircling you in a wave of comfort. "I meant it, you know," he said softly, placing his other hand on your hip. "I..." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment before he opened them, his eyes brimming with tears.

"I love you," he choked out, gripping your hand as he broke  for a second time, tears streaming down his cheeks. "And that fucking scares me."

"Because everyone that I've ever loved like that always leaves me." He closed his eyes as his breath hitched in his throat, barely holding onto any tranquility he had left. "And I can't... lose you, (Y/N). You're too fucking important to me. And I- I know I pushed you away and treated you like shit and that I don't fucking deserve you but I-"

"-Spencer," you spoke quickly. "I love you, too."

Spencer's eyes opened and he looked down at you, his jaw falling open in shock. You giggled at him. "What's that face?" You asked, squeezing his cheeks lightly.

"I don't know. I- I guess I didn't expect you to say it back."

"Did you not want me to?"

"Honestly I feel like I don't deserve it," Spencer shrugged at you.

"Well, that's too fucking bad, little boy," you smiled at him. Color flooded your cheeks, your heart pounding inside your chest, butterflies erupting in your stomach as you spoke those three little words into infallible existence, knowing you would never be able to take them back, but you didn't want to. "I love you, genius."

A small smile formed on Spencer's lips and you gasped, grinning at him. "There he is! There's my genius. I was wondering where he disappeared off to." You leaned forward, pressing your lips to his shoulder as you looked up at him, smiling. "I'm not going anywhere, Spence," you whispered, tracing the toned muscles of his chest with your finger as the water dripped down your bodies like falling rain. "You're stuck with me, little boy. Me and all my brattiness."

"Good." Spencer's voice was quiet as he wrapped his arms around you, kissing your forehead. "Because I wouldn't have it any other way."

You switched positions with him in the shower, letting him wash your own hair, a small, skeptical smile tugging at his lips as he worked. He lowered his head at one point, biting his lip as he pulled his hands away from you. "Hey," you said, placing your hands over his shoulders. He looked up at you, his sopping curls sticking to his face, his eyes like those of a puppy dog's. "We're gonna find who did this, okay?"

"He- He's dead, (Y/N)," Spencer spoke softly. "I- I haven't seen him in years but I still can't... wrap my mind around it."

"I know I need to tell my mom," he said, sighing. "But, I just... Wh- What do I tell her? And who the fuck is... I... I- I just have so many questions and not enough answers."

"I know," you said to him. "And we'll answer them all eventually, okay?" You wrapped your arms around his waist, looking up at him. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

Spencer nodded at you. You both got out of the shower, holding onto each other's hands as you walked into the bedroom. You changed into your pajamas, walking over to your bag on the floor as you said, "It just so happens that I packed these." You reached into your bag, pulling out an oversized t-shirt and boxers that Spencer had given to you awhile back to wear, a grateful smile appearing on his face before he took the garments, pulling them on.

Spencer climbed into bed beside you and you wrapped your arms around him, planting a kiss on his forehead. "You're safe with me," you whispered, pulling him close to your body. "Okay?"

Spencer nodded his head. "Okay."

With that, you drifted off to sleep, clinging to the man that you knew you loved, inattentive as to whatever the future held. All that mattered was this— this moment. Holding Spencer in your arms as you both went to sleep.

~~~

𝐴𝑈𝑇𝐻𝑂𝑅'𝑆 𝑁𝑂𝑇𝐸.HII!! okay, i wanted to apologize for the lack of an author's note in the previous chapter. i should've explained spencer's feelings. i hope you guys read the note i posted before this chapter to help you understand why he reacted in such a way. but ANYWAY. GUYS. WE FINALLY SAID IT. IT ONLY TOOK 22 FUCKING CHAPTERS BUT WE FINALLY SAID IT. i love you guys!! i hope you enjoyed this chapter :))