18 ~ But the World Turned Differently

There are moments when a person does not break all at once, but quietly, step by step, until even the night notices.

Phil's POV:

     Slowly I placed one foot in front of the other, walked through the empty corridors. It was currently dinner in the Great Hall, yet I was not hungry. I had been with the Professor for Charms, who took time for me every Wednesday evening.      His name was Professor Heffordson and he was a young man. However, I failed in his lessons and my wand seemed not to like me. Often I asked myself whether it was broken.     Yes, I had made one or two books float, but also hit the Professor on the head with it twice. I simply struggled, and that frustrated me. If it were up to me, I could do without magic, yet I was at Hogwarts, attended a school for magic.

Magic is stupid...

     I dismissed my thoughts and stood in front of a fork. I still did not know all the paths and often got lost, just like now; I turned into the left corridor, strolled along it for a while. A few paintings hung on the walls.      The depicted witches and wizards prepared themselves for the night. On the walls hung, at regular intervals, holders for candles or fire, yet whether these were magical, I did not know. I did not want to have anything to do with any magic today.     I came into a corridor that had a row of windows to the right. These gave the view to a dark sky. The windows functioned as mirrors, because it was brighter in the castle, but I did not want to look at myself. I looked straight ahead and realised that I did not know this corridor - I had got lost, again.     A sigh left my throat, my eyes looked around in the empty corridor. It was illuminated by warm light. I drew my lower lip into my mouth, chewed on it and thought. I tried to get a picture of the castle in my head, but I failed.     In this moment I would have most liked to scream, because I hated it. Yes, I had said that I tried to live here, yet why was it so hard then? Why could I not move a stupid book and not even find the way to my dormitory? Exactly, because I was useless.     I could do nothing and in the next moment I turned towards the tall windows.     Blue eyes looked back at me. I examined the girl who stood in front of me. With one hand it held its satchel tightly and the other hung limply beside the body, like the uniform.      Despite the clothing I recognised that the girl was far too thin and looked unhealthy. Her hair was red, yet brittle. It reached the girl to the navel, needed a cut. The ends were dry and damaged, but the girl did not care, because it itself was broken. It did not know who it was, and even here in this castle it did not seem to belong.     I imagined that my reflection looked at the grounds of Hogwarts, to the far distant Forbidden Forest.

     "You can still live like you have done all this time", the voice whispered, yet this time it was my self that spoke. My reflection moved the mouth and continued: "Catch fresh air, Phil. This castle is not good for you. Here you are only an animal in a cage. Outside is freedom."

But out there I am completely alone, was my answer.

     "And are you anything different now, Phil? Who is with you? The forest was your home and you did not even say goodbye to it. You simply went to the people into the castle!", the voice became harsher, "are you one of them now? Are you a human and forget what we have done, what I have done for you? Now you are here, yet outside is where you belong! Must I first call you a monster so that you understand, Phil! Then you are a monster, and? Live with it and decide! Do what I have shown you! Why do you resist, why do you not want to! Be yourself!"

     "No!", I screamed back and held my hands over my ears. I dropped to my knees, shook my head. The voice spoke nonsense. It was not right, or...?

"Yes!"

     "No, no, no...", I whimpered, tears formed. The voice had often been right, yet it also contradicted itself sometimes. Had it only recently told me that I could achieve everything; did it now want that I lived alone in the forest again. It made no sense, nothing made sense.          "Stop, stop..."     "Stop?", suddenly a new voice asked, which made the blood in my veins freeze. "We have not even begun yet."     Laughter sounded and I ran my hand over my face. By now tears ran over my cheeks. I did not want anyone to see me like this, and above all not this person.          I wiped my tears away, tried to, and stood up again.     Slowly I turned around, discovered, as expected, Mulciber Junior, still dressed in his uniform. The Slytherin had only one follower with him this time, yet that was enough. I sniffed quietly, my lower lip trembled. I was at the end, and yet it got worse. It always got worse.     For this reason I looked at the two Slytherins with empty eyes. I could not move, because without wanting to, I was afraid of Mulciber. He had a dark heart and this was amusing itself greatly right now.     "Well, had a bad day?", he asked, came closer.          I examined the tall, slender boy with the dark brown short hair and blue-grey eyes. A greasy grin could be found on his lips. I knew that I was trapped. I did not even take one step back, because behind me there was no escape, if I did not want to throw myself through the windows.     I felt miserable. A tear ran down my right cheek. Mulciber Jr. used this opportunity and his long finger tapped against my cheek when he had come to a halt in front of me.           I held my breath when he caught the tear and traced along my scar on my right cheek. He pressed against it, but I did not look into his eyes.     I stared past his shoulder. My veil of tears became thicker.

"Fight, Phil! Show him where his place as an unworthy human is!"I cannot...

     "I gladly repeat myself: dirty blood should not go to this school." His finger pressed harder against my cheek so that it hurt. I remained standing rigidly, although my heart pounded up to my throat.     "Has someone already told you that it is rude not to look someone in the eyes?" His hand roughly gripped my chin. I looked into his bright eyes, my tears had stopped. I felt sick, wanted to get away from here, yet I also believed that Mulciber Jr. would rather leave me alone if I stayed quiet.     "I forgot, your father is a savage, then I cannot expect anything else from his daughter!", the Slytherin laughed, "is that why you are only now at Hogwarts, did you have to live with him in the dirt? Did he breed his werewolves, and did these savages want to mount his daughter? Is that why you are here? Are you a monster yourself?"          I did not answer, did not want to.

I hate myself for being scared...

     "This is no fun when she is silent!", the other Slytherin threw in, who leaned casually against the wall. Mulciber's grip around my chin became stronger. Hissing, I drew in air and he nodded.     "Yes, why do you not speak, Aquila?", he came close to my face. "Afraid? Or are you a bitch?"          "She does not owe you an answer", suddenly another voice sounded in the corridor, "you should rather ask yourselves what this display of power says about your masculinity. Nothing good, if I may reveal the secret."     Immediately Mulciber's head snapped towards the new voice and my eyes also looked past my counterpart. Next to the second Slytherin a person appeared, who also wore a green tie around their neck.     "Lestrange!", Mulciber hissed.          "Yes, congratulations, you know my name, Mulciber, yet yours is even easier to remember. Not that it would have an equal lineage like mine, because yours one remembers, since your father really made no effort, which is why you have to carry his name, Junior", Lestrange laughed and I examined the black-haired girl in confusion. I did not know whether she was here to help me, or to tyrannise me as well. The world did not turn correctly when two snakes fought each other.

The world never turns correctly, at least not for me.

     "Lestrange, as charming as ever", Mulciber growled and let go of my face. He turned to the Slytherin, crossed his arms in front of his chest.          "Power has never come from charming ladies", she replied calmly. "You always talk about your family and pure blood, yet you do not even understand the simplest things."     "Then the lady may enlighten me", Mulciber mocked, and his friend also examined the girl strangely.          "With pleasure", Lestrange replied, "I was just walking my way through the castle, then I came across you and saw what you are doing right now. Perhaps you think that exercising power works like this, yet there you are mistaken. Why do you torment a girl when she harms no one? Yes, she may not have an honourable lineage, yet are your egos that pitiful? Have your parents taught you that the great Dark Wizards tease others and point their fingers at them? Have you heard from anyone that one compensates for one's non-existent balls like this? No? Me neither. Interesting, isn't it? A question of power indeed."     "And what is power then, oh, all-knowing Lestrange?"          "Power is exactly this here", the girl made a sweeping hand movement, "I am a year below you and you are two, yet I am leading the conversation right now. You listen to me, and that is not because I press your friend Ferrys against the wall and frighten him, no, it lies solely in my presence. My parents have simply taught me the game of power correctly."     After her words Mulciber's eyes narrowed into slits and his jaw tensed. I observed his face in profile, afterwards he said coolly: "And what will you do if your words do not stop us from continuing? As you have clarified, we are two and a year above you."          "Well, once one has clarified the question of power, then one makes threats." Lestrange's venom-green eyes sparkled with amusement. A wicked grin curved around her lips as she continued: "You are welcome to act against me, yet first hear my threat: I am a Lestrange and stand in rank above you. If that is not enough for you, then after a possible confrontation you can truly get to know the Lestrange family. At the latest in the next holidays you will leave Hogwarts and my brother Rodolphus would surely take pleasure in getting to know you. However, what his little sister will tell him about dear Junior will not please him. Here you have my threat. And because my family has honour, I give you additionally the possibility to make a choice: Leave now or stay."          It became silent.      I could hear the breathing of all present. My gaze moved back to Mulciber and I discovered a grim expression on his face. When I thought he would engage with Lestrange, a growl left his throat and he set himself in motion. He walked past Lestrange, his follower Ferrys in tow.     Together they threw her a dark look, yet she had won. Grinning, Lestrange watched them leave, then only the two of us remained in the corridor. However, I did not know which of the two I found worse. Mulciber, or the person who had driven him away, and that only with words?

"You are the worst one here, Phil!", the voice joined in. Once again it came from the reflection in the window pane."You could rule over all of them!"

     I shook my head.           I still looked at Lestrange. Her green eyes rested on me and she was confused. Of course she did not hear the voice. For her there was no reason to cover her ears. I did it nevertheless, shook my head. It would not stop!          "Be quiet, be quiet...", I pleaded and my breathing became faster.     "I have not said anything yet", Lestrange defended herself, yet I paid her no attention.

"Why be quiet when one speaks the truth!", the voice screamed into my ear and I imagined seeing my reflection, sideways behind me, move. It wanted to come out of the pane to me. My true self caught up with me.

     "No, no...", I whimpered. It all became too much for me. Quickly I turned around and ran away. My legs carried me through many corridors. I heard someone calling behind me, did not pay attention to it, kept running.     At some point I ran across a bridge of Hogwarts and ice-cold wind struck against me. Only now did I notice that I was crying again, yet I kept running. I wanted to get away from here, because the truth chased me.      All of this here had only been a lie, I had been a lie. The world, it had turned differently, yet now it had taken the correct direction again. I hated this reality, because in it I was a monster, and a real one.     After the bridge I ran down stairs. After a courtyard I stumbled outside. I was on the grounds of Hogwarts and ran through the snow.      The night was pitch-black, yet my path had not ended yet. I had to get away, and so I ran straight towards the Forbidden Forest.      However, it could not grant me peace either.          No one could.

Remus' POV:

     "But Moony!", Sirius shouted agitatedly, with wide eyes, and jumped up from his bed in shock, afterwards he continued speaking, whereby his attempt to maintain a normal tone did not succeed: "How can you simply claim that love is like an illness, hm, hm, hm!"      The Gryffindor snorted afterwards and let himself fall back onto his bed. The springs of the mattress squeaked painfully. Sirius simply did not understand, although I had already explained it to him what felt like thousands of times.      Exhausted, I rubbed my temples, breathed out as calmly as possible.           "Just admit it", I opened my eyes, which had previously been directed at one of the book pages, and stared at him, "for someone like you it is easy. You never have to be afraid of hurting someone or even killing them, just like that."      I looked into uncomprehending eyes. I too had nothing but incomprehension left for Padfoot, because honestly, when had he ever been in love?      I would have preferred to throw it in his face, yet I did not want to provoke him. We were only in the fourth year, yet we had come to speak about this topic.      Perhaps it was because James' glances at Lily had become too intense lately?

No idea...

     I only knew that James was showering at that moment and Peter lay on his back on his bed, yet sideways. His head hung off the edge of the bed, became redder and redder.           Why he did that?      I did not want to know, yet the essay for Defence Against the Dark Arts was my first assumption.      Peter had already been sitting over it for two days, yet had not put anything on paper. I had offered to help him tomorrow, yet until then he wanted to try it himself.      However, I could not observe the blond-haired boy any longer, because Padfoot continued speaking: "But what if your great love is like you, Remus?"           One could hear the opening and closing of a drawer, afterwards the rustling of some sweets, which Sirius would now eat.      "I just don't get it, maybe I'm simply stupid." I already wanted to confirm that statement, yet held myself back, simply sighed once more. It made a plop and a packet of wine gums was opened, then Sirius continued speaking, with a full mouth: "I mean, claiming that I'm a genius in matters of love, I can't."

At last he has realised it, I thought and rolled my eyes.

     "Exactly, we all know nothing", I replied, "and what do you think, Padfoot, would it change if the person were also a werewolf? I ask this question, even though I can guess that you only came up with the idea because Phil is now at Hogwarts." I looked at the dark-haired one, who sat on his bed.           It was the bed opposite mine.      Sirius had drawn his legs up cross-legged and wore jogging trousers as well as a black jumper. His grey eyes looked back at me. I raised my eyebrows to emphasise my question.      "And? Then I simply came up with the idea because Phil is here...", he admitted sheepishly, "yet you cannot deny that you find her interesting. The girls are almost hissing at us already because we have been annoying them constantly lately. Soon they will scratch our eyes out."      "I have simply never met another werewolf before", I replied, "then I am allowed to find her interesting." I did not know what was wrong with that.      I could not prevent that I sought Phil's attention. She interested me, I also wanted to help her. One could see that she was not doing well, yet I had no idea what I could do so that she would feel better.      I also did not know whether I was the right person to help another person. I myself was not at peace with myself.

     At least I understand what it means to have to live with this curse...           Nevertheless, I had been completely overwhelmed last full moon. Phil had panicked and I had not been able to help her. It was obvious that she had made terrible experiences.

     The girls gathered around the new girl, however, which was why I could only agree with Sirius' words. Lately we had truly crossed one boundary or another, and yet we could not help it.      Although I, among the Marauders, was the most interested in Phil, the others had also jumped onto the bandwagon. We had found her, a second werewolf, in the middle of the Forbidden Forest at full moon, and she was full of secrets. Unfortunately, secrets interested us.

Phil has only told me that her mother is dead, and that she took care of herself, then the orphanage. She has not revealed more about herself, and that makes me suspicious, curious.

     To equate this curiosity towards Phil now with a romantic interest, as Sirius had done, was stupid. Generally, none of us had yet shown interest in a girl, if one did not count James' glances towards Lily.      Peter also addressed this fact in the next moment: "Why are we talking about love when none of us has been in love yet?"      Meanwhile, his head was very red. A vein on his forehead was far too thick, and I believed that it could burst soon. "And why should it make it easier for Moony to be with a werewolf? Yes, they would understand the suffering, yet there would be no escape... from one's own feelings."      Silence followed his words. Sirius and I looked at him. Neither of us would have trusted the small boy with such words. Yet Peter managed to bring us back down to earth again.      He was a realist, Sirius an optimist and I a logical pessimist. Only James gave the optimists the upper hand in our group.

Optimists are annoying...

     "Maybe I should also hang my head off the bed if I can draw such conclusions then", Sirius joked and stuffed a handful of wine gums into his mouth, then the sound of his smacking could be heard.      He tried to turn the contents of his mouth into mush. I pulled a face, because it was a very delightful sight and sound.           Sarcastically delightful.      "What are you talking about?", a freshly showered James came out of the bathroom.      He wore his night clothes and strolled to his bed. He threw himself onto it, afterwards his gaze moved to Sirius and James' hand made itself noticeable.      He wanted sweets. Sirius threw a few over to him, then he answered James' question: "We were talking about the concept of love."      James pulled a face and at least I was not the only one who found this topic uncomfortable. I could not claim that I knew how love worked, but did I want to know it?      Did I want to know what it was like to love someone so much, like a part that meant everything, and in the worst case to lose everything, to lose all of oneself?

No.

     "I think we should leave it at that", were my final words and I closed my book.      A dull sound rang out, consequently I ran my hand over my face. Everything was far too complicated. My current life was already a small catastrophe in itself, then I did not want to think about what the concept of love was.      I should continue to take care of Phil, about my feelings of guilt. I should rather continue to hate my friends, although they had not interfered last full moon.      However, it was only a matter of time until they would have a plan how they could help Phil and me.           Probably stupid      "Yes, just go to sleep, Moony!", Sirius called from his bed and searched for my gaze, "perhaps you will wake up tomorrow with fresh thoughts and realise that I am right, because Sirius Orion Black is always right. Good night!"           "As you wish!", I muttered subtly aggressively, with clenched teeth, and closed the curtains of my bed.

Phil's POV:

     Fresh wind blew into my face. I trembled. My muscles tried strenuously to keep my body warm through twitching, but useless. Useless, just like my current intention appeared to me, because I could not call myself intelligent.     I had become one of them. One of those who lacked foresight, who would never attain it either - I had become a human, and it filled me with sheer terror. Everyone took care of me. I felt suffocated, simply confined. So confined that I had tried to fit into this world. My reflection had been right, and that voice in my head as well. That in this moment I only silently obeyed the evil intentions of the voice, was pure reality. I did not know it. I did not want to know what this entire world here was.     No one wanted me, and so the thought came to me whether even the girls only took care of me out of pity. To all of them I was only a girl with fears. A girl who needed help in this new, real world. They were right.     I had the feeling as if there were a great abyss between us. I could not get to the other side, was not ready for it. On my side I also could not remain any longer; I had become a human, that was what the voice said.      One of those creatures I had never wanted to be, but was I still that? Was I still the same Phil I had been until recently, or had I already completely changed?      Changed in the sense that my former self, which had lived in the forest, would never be thought of together with my present one, because they were two different persons. Or was the abyss my path? Did I belong in none of the two worlds?

I do not know...

     I had to admit the change in my life to myself. The time among humans had changed me. I did not recognise this change, because reality was an illusion. A strong illusion, to protect the endangered from the truth.     Indeed, it was like walking a path without knowing what the destination was - without knowing anything at all, because reality was false. An illusion that did not allow me to recognise my true self. Was I a monster, or Phil? A real human, a girl who had simply led a difficult life? Was I more, better than the others, as the voice tried to make me believe?          A shadow, a lie?          The illusion lay over me, and it was enormous.     Is my perception simply distorted? Shattered like a mirror, whose shards lie scattered on the ground? Shards that would never again become one image, because their former existence was past.     Where did this lead now?          To the end of all days?     Yes, it does.

Now.

     I looked ahead into the darkness. The cold on my skin had given way to numbness. My tears ran down my face and a scream left my throat.

Who the hell am I?

     I dropped to my knees, felt how the snow made my trousers wet. My hands went down beside my knees and I grabbed the snow, lost control, threw it around me and cried. Sobs ran through my body.     I did not know what I should do now. I did not feel capable of going back. Back into the castle, where I was only an outsider anyway. Like a shadow that walked through the corridors and was hated by the others.     I had lost myself, rather had never found myself. So the abyss was my path, my fate?          Yes...

James' POV:

     "Blimey, Padfoot, you are not the only one living here!", I got worked up, hammered against the bathroom door.      It was Thursday and we wanted to head to breakfast, yet the esteemed Mr Black was of the opinion that the bathroom belonged entirely to him. I was just about to hammer against the door again when it was flung open. In front of me stood a smiling Sirius.          "I think it is time!", he said full of enthusiasm. I examined him with raised brows.     "What happened?", Moony asked indifferently from his bed and pulled on his socks.          "I am becoming a man!"     Mass sighing went through the dormitory, yet Padfoot was not finished yet: "No, really now!", he complained. "I have found my first beard hair!"     And now Moony could no longer stay serious, because he burst out laughing. He was punished with a deadly look from Sirius. My gaze moved to his chin.     "There is no hair there", I stated.          "I removed it as well, looks stupid otherwise."     "Sure. Can you move aside now?", I pushed him out of the doorway, "and congratulations on your newly acquired manhood."     Afterwards I went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I could still hear Remus laughing nastily, then he explained to Padfoot that his manhood was not defined by hair, and it was a completely normal morning with us Marauders.

     Later we went into the common room and by chance the girls came towards us. My gaze immediately fell on Evans; my head could not help but look at her.      However, I quickly noticed that something was not right among the girls. They whispered excitedly to each other and Lily's forehead was creased. When the girls spotted us, they stopped their conversation.           Consequently we received a flood of venomous looks, which we deserved. They still held the conversation after the last Quidditch training against us, specifically Padfoot and me.

Rightly so.

     Therefore they strutted silently past us, while Lily's green eyes sparkled. Yes, it was a dangerous sparkle, yet unfortunately it looked beautiful on her.           However, I shook my head, because Evans was Evans and nothing more. Even if she was a pretty girl. Very pretty, truly pretty.     Accordingly we continued our way to the Great Hall, yet that something truly was not right, we noticed early enough.