17 ~ Halo?

Perhaps belonging did not begin with certainty, but with the small, stubborn decision to stay.

     The next morning I woke after a few hours, perhaps even after many; nevertheless I was still tired. My body felt the transformation from yesterday. My bones and muscles protested.           A full moon night was never easy, and at least until tomorrow I would still feel unbearable.     Most of all I would have liked to lie in bed the whole day, would have tried to sleep, but the dormitory door was opened. I had not noticed that the girls had left, but now they were back. They spoke with one another, yet I did not listen to them.     Only when I heard footsteps approaching my bed did I open one eye, peering. I looked at the drawn curtain, which in the next moment was opened a crack. Green eyes looked at me, which belonged to Lily.     "Hey...", she whispered gently, pressed her lips together, which was meant to resemble a smile. In the meantime I had opened both eyes and looked back at her.          "May we disturb you for a moment?"     I had to think. Actually I only wanted to lie here and vegetate, but Lily could not want anything bad from me. For this reason I nodded hesitantly and sat up.     I pulled a face, but the redhead stopped me from leaving the bed. So I remained sitting and the person opposite me drew my curtain completely to the side with a slow movement of her hand. Behind her I spotted Mare, Dorcas and Alice. So not only Lily wanted something from me, but all four girls.     I did not want to know what kind of sight I presented to them. After a full moon I always looked dreadful. My dark circles must have been pits. I received confirmation from the girls, who looked at me sympathetically.     For a while nobody spoke, until Dorcas rammed her elbow into Alice's ribs. Alice woke from her stiffness and punished Dorcas with an evil look, then her brown eyes landed on me. I wondered what Alice wanted from me, since she had ignored me the whole time.

I mean, I would ignore myself as well.

     Before Alice fell into a stiffness, she hesitantly raised her voice: "So...", came it brilliantly, "I am not speaking only for myself when I say that we noticed that yesterday was a difficult night for you."          "I did not want to wake you", I said guiltily.     Alice quickly shook her head, her short hair being shaken, and she seemed to realise how I took in her words. "That was not meant like that", she said briskly, "I, well we wanted to tell you that we cannot imagine what burden you have to live with. For this reason I must probably also apologise. I must admit to myself that I have too many prejudices, and that is stupid of me. I should not have judged you because of your lycanthropy. I must apologise." She pressed her lips together, then continued speaking: "We also just went to lunch and thought that you must surely be hungry, and if not, that you should at least get some strength. Perhaps you would also like to have some company?"     After these words she pulled something, wrapped in a napkin, from her sleeve and Mare and Dorcas did the same. Dorcas held up two apples with a grin. Mare presented a muffin.     I stared at them silently, did not know what to say. I had expected everything, but not that. I wondered what I had done to deserve that someone cared for me, and came to no answer.

How can anyone like me?

     "What do you say?", Lily asked. She had her hands behind her back, smiled at me cautiously.           She expected an answer and slowly I nodded, afterwards I said in a hoarse voice: "Yes...", I looked at the girls, "you are kind, t-thank you."     After these words they all smiled at me. As a result Dorcas pulled the other curtains open and I was surrounded. They handed me their stolen loot and sat down beside me. Strangely I did not have a problem with that.      I was only slightly overwhelmed as well as surprised. It had been a long time since someone had taken care of me after a full moon. In general it had been a long time since anyone had taken care of me at all.     At first they merely sat silently in front of me and urged me to eat. It was obvious that I was unhealthily thin, yet normally I had little appetite. This morning, however, I ate everything, even if under the urging gaze from Lily's side.     Later the girls told me more about Hogwarts, also much about the wizarding world. I even learned that they had a strange sport at this school, and I looked at them in shock when they told me about flying brooms. I was curious, however. For this reason they wanted to show me the Quidditch pitch tomorrow. Supposedly the Gryffindor house team had training.     I agreed and they remained sitting with me for a while longer. In that moment I wondered whether I had arrived in this strange castle, but did not know.

Perhaps everything is only an illusion?

     I rested the whole day. I only got up to use the bathroom. I even managed to fall asleep once more, and luckily it was a dreamless sleep. At least something.          I did nothing more, and so the day passed.     How I should feel, I still did not know. Yes, I felt better than I had in a long time, yet I also felt bad. The many changes and the real world made me uneasy. My body still seemed to be trapped in the moment from two years ago. For me it had been yesterday that I had killed my mother.          Nevertheless I was numb. I felt too little.     I only felt like Phil. A girl who had lived too little, who only remembered fragments.          Why have I forgotten everything?

     "You are simply different, Phil", the voice in my head said.          It was right.     I did not want it to be right, did not want to be different.          "But you are", came the answer and it was a brutal truth. Therefore I wondered whether Hogwarts truly was my place, or whether I did not belong here either. Yes, the boy, Remus Lupin, managed it, yet I was not him. I was still myself, was Phil. A girl who had lived in the forest for the last time, was a monster and had killed her mother.          "She could not handle you, Phil. She is not the good one, as you so very much want to believe", the voice said again. Although I resisted believing her, she was right. How right she was.

     "Phil, are you still with us?", a hand waved in front of my face and I flinched. Consequently I looked at Lily, who pulled her hand back.          I made an apologetic expression, then looked back to the Quidditch pitch in front of us - it was an impressive sight. On both sides there were three rings at great height and around them a huge number of people could watch.     A light wind blew around us. It tugged at my coat and my scarf and my hair fluttered gently. My nose as well as my cheeks were red. I breathed in the fresh winter air.     I directed my attention to Dorcas, who began to speak, told about Quidditch: "You fly on brooms and each team consists of seven players. The main goal is to score as many points as possible. You score points by throwing the Quaffle - a red, leather ball - into one of the rings. Each hit brings ten points. Doing that is the task of the three Chasers. They fight for the ball and the rings are guarded by a Keeper. To make everything more complicated, there are two Beaters. The Beaters hurl Bludgers - smaller black balls - around and try to knock the others off their brooms. Lastly there are Seekers, who try to catch the Snitch. The Snitch is a small golden ball with rotating wings, which change the direction of the ball very quickly and due to its speed is hardly visible. Only the Seeker is allowed to catch the Snitch and upon catching it the team receives one hundred and fifty points, and thus usually the victory, because catching it ends the match.", Dorcas looked at me, then she continued speaking: "Of course there are countless rules and types of fouls, but that would be too much. Let's go to the stands!"          The girl seemed incredibly excited to be able to watch the team train.     "She wants to apply as a Chaser next year", explained Lily, who walked beside me and watched Dorcas, who was already running up the steps, "next year there will be fresh wind in the house team. Many seventh-years will soon take their NEWTs, so Dorcas hopes that she will get a place."     We reached the stairway. Behind us walked Mare and Alice, who spoke about something, but I did not listen. My feet moved up the stairs, which shortly after a full moon was an effort of strength, yet I managed it.     I already felt better today. My dark circles had almost disappeared as well. I probably still looked pale and tired, but I did not look dreadful.

That I feel this way, is something else entirely...

     With these thoughts I arrived at the stands. Up there the wind blew stronger. It whistled in my ears, as a result I spotted Dorcas.           She waited for us, while her Gryffindor scarf waved in the wind. Her cheeks were reddened as well, appeared more red than pink due to her slightly darker skin tone. Dorcas' curly hair peeked out from beneath a black cap.     "I unfortunately have to ruin your day", her voice sounded.     I raised my brow, but my confusion faded when the brunette stepped aside. On the stands the Marauders could be made out, at least Sirius, James and that Peter. Remus was not among them.     "Blimey, how I hate them!", Lily growled, which made me briefly startled by her, "Black is so arrogant and Potter thinks he's a king!"          Green eyes flashed.     "But you have to say that Black is starting to look good."          "Dorcas!", Lily hissed and the addressed girl jumped in place, "Mare, throw her off the stands, maybe it will help her head."     "But she is not wrong", the dark-haired girl muttered in response.          Lily's face would soon take on the colour of her hair. "He is an annoying arse!"     "We know, but objectively speaking, he is on a good path to becoming a girls' favourite", Dorcas replied with a shrug.          "Your 'objectively' does not matter to me and he will probably not become a girls' favourite, but a male slut."     "Lily!", Alice exclaimed in shock. The others were also surprised by her words. I did not know Lily like that either, because otherwise she was always kind and courteous. With the boys, however, she seemed to forget all of that.

Yes, they are a bit peculiar, but nobody is normal.They are kind to me.

     "What do you have against them?", I asked and all four pairs of eyes landed on me.     "Yes, Phil does not yet know why we cannot stand them", Alice said and Lily nodded. It was Dorcas who answered, however, direct as always: "They are pushy, think they are kings, that they are allowed to do everything. Severus, a good friend of Lily, is in Slytherin and the boys always make fun of him, pick on him. It is really not nice. They play stupid pranks and are loud."          "Potter and Black are unbearable", Lily spoke again, "Remus and Peter are alright, although Peter is strange."     While the girls told me more about the boys, we looked for a place far away from them. We did not remain unnoticed because of that, because I specifically felt the gazes of James and Sirius on me. Brown and grey eyes looked back at me, yet during the training of Gryffindor they left us alone.          Yes, during the training they left us alone.     Dorcas explained a lot to me about Quidditch during this time, and only when I had seen the people on flying brooms did the idea of Quidditch stop being imagination. The people really flew through the air. It was the strangest thing I had seen besides the portraits.     My eyes watched the flyers and I liked it. What I did not like, however, was that the wind increased and it began to snow lightly. It remained small flakes, which drifted down to the ground, being carried away by the wind. Quickly we were all decorated with white speckles.     When the training ended, we set off on our way back to the castle, which waited for us in the distance. Well, we wanted to, because Sirius and James seemed to have taken a liking to giving us company.

I still do not know what to think of all of this...

     "Wasn't that a great training session?", Sirius asked and suddenly stood in front of us as we wanted to go to the stairs. James stood beside him and said: "Fabulous, how the Chaser Andreys shot into the left ring, even though he aimed at the right one. It almost knocked him off his broom, yet he managed it. You do agree with me, Peter?"          "Indeed, fabulous."     "As Peter says, yes, it was fabulous", Sirius spoke again and Lily crossed her arms in front of her chest. I could see how her breath left her nose in white little clouds.          "What do you want?", she asked with absolute hostility.     "What do we want?", Sirius repeated.          "What do we want then?", James joined in as well, looked at his friend, who shrugged his shoulders.     "I can't think of anything, my friend, yet Lily", Sirius looked at her, "may one not simply be nice?"          "First of all, call me Evans, and secondly, why do you of all people want to be nice to us? You keep annoying us all the time!"     "All the time already seems exaggerated to me." Sirius ran his hand through his longer hair, on which snowflakes had made themselves comfortable. He removed a few with his hand and continued: "We are in the same year, all attend Gryffindor House. Why shouldn't we have a normal chat with you?"          "Don't act sanctimonious", Dorcas interfered.     "Really everyone overlooks our halos", James complained and looked sadly above his head, "mine practically shines."          "Yes, in black!", Lily snapped, yet the boy with glasses looked at her quite calmly. His hair was less messy due to the moisture of the fresh snow.     "I repeat: why are you here?", the redhead asked and received her answer from Sirius: "To keep you company. Was that so hard to understand?"     "Oh, to keep us company?", Mare now asked and her blue eyes sparkled at the boys. "Why is it then always the case that lately you only annoy us because Phil is here?"          "She is new", James clarified.     "New?", Dorcas did not sound convinced. "Do you want to annoy the new girl already?"     "We aren't annoying anyone", Sirius said with a shrug, "Phil, are we bothering you? Bothering you, even though none of our words were directed at her."

Is he right...?

     I looked at him. As I wanted to begin an answer, Lily interrupted me: "She hasn't even been here for more than a month! How is she supposed to assess you complete idiots? You are pushy and annoying! Only Peter behaves normally. And where did you actually leave Remus? He is the most bearable of you."          "Upset his stomach, yet not important", Sirius lied.     However, I could guess that Remus did not feel well after full moon. I also did not feel completely well yet, but I was at least on my feet, which seemed to surprise the boys. When Sirius had spoken of Remus, his gaze had rested intensely on me, but only briefly, because immediately the conversation continued.     "Are we annoying you, Phil? Were we pushy when we helped you when some Slytherins bothered you? Where were you then, Lily? You appear to protect Phil, yet where were you, where were you all?"     After these words, the girls looked at me in shock.          I had not told them that the boys had settled an argument.     While they looked at me, a grin adorned Sirius' face, because he had left the girls speechless. I, however, now understood for the first time what the girls had meant. Sirius Black used their helping to win a discussion.

Pathetic.

     "Yes, you helped me", my voice sounded quietly, "but to adorn yourself now with this deed is disgusting. I don't want to be here anymore."     I squeezed past the boys. The girls followed and I no longer saw how they cast angry looks at the boys. I also missed the moment when Sirius Black realised his mistake.     I only understood the girls.

The boys can be mean.

     The next two days passed.          I felt physically better. The horrors of full moon had passed, yet not the emotional ones. They would never disappear either, because there was famously no cure for werewolves.     Right now I was in the library, namely in one of the furthest corners. I searched for good books for Herbology, because yesterday I had met Professor Sprout.      She had been teaching Herbology at Hogwarts since this year, was very friendly and smiled constantly. I liked her as well as her subject.     I did not know why, yet plants and animals interested me. Life itself fascinated me, how it developed in nature. It was one of the things I had shared with my mother, because living in the forest meant that one had to deal with its plants and animals. In the subjects Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures I could deepen this knowledge from now on.

If I get this book...

     I stared at the shelf in front of me. Next to it, a large window let light in and revealed the view outside. The last days the blue sky had not shown itself anymore, and today as well a grey blanket lay over Hogwarts. The window panes were slightly fogged at the edges. It was deep winter.     The school library was located on the fourth floor and offered a beautiful view. It had snowed in the morning, yet now in the afternoon only the wind howled. It crashed against the castle, and I was glad to be in the warm library. It smelled of old books, wood and parchment.     I wanted a specific book, but could not reach it. I had seen others in the library use their wands or the magic of the library to get to the desired books, yet I could not do it. Although I learned magic with Dumbledore and a professor, I was a complete failure.      It was strange for me to know that I could do things with my odd wooden stick that were simply strange. My mind understood more easily that there were plants, herbs and much more with which one could achieve useful things.     That was why I wanted the book on healing plants, yet it was out of my reach. I stood on my tiptoes, stretched myself, but useless. Even a jump did nothing; I only brushed the spine of the book.     Just as I thought I would have to get a chair, a hand suddenly reached for the book and took it down from the shelf. To my right stood a person.

Remus Lupin.

     He was more than a head taller than me and in the next moment handed me the book, which I slowly accepted.          I looked into his green eyes, which appeared tired. My fingers enclosed the book, and looking at him, I spoke quietly: "Thank you."     "You're welcome", he replied just as quietly, because we were in the library, "I also wanted to study Herbology and saw you."     While he said that, he picked out two books. Finished with that, he remained standing beside me. His eyes examined me and he seemed to want to say something. The boy looked once to the left and right, then spoke even more quietly: "Why were you not in the hospital wing after full moon." He asked me the question of our last conversation.          "I didn't want to."     "Why not? Madame Pomfrey has good potions."          "I wanted to shower and sleep", I replied, "the last times I also had no potions and I survived."     "But now you are here. You don't have to simply survive."

Life is pure survival.Or?

     "It is all hard to understand...", I murmured and stared at my feet, then continued: "I am trying to understand that I am here, yet it is not easy."          "Still, you are here now."     "You know", I expressed and the source of my drive to act was foreign to me, "all my life I believed that one only survives. That this is life itself."          "And?", interest resonated in these words.     "What and?"          "Has your opinion changed?"     I shrugged my shoulders, chewed for a moment on my cracked lower lip. My fingers gripped the book tighter and I looked down the shelf aisle, took my gaze off Remus.     "Quite possible", I admitted quietly. I noticed a student passing at the end of the shelf and continued: "Someone told me that I am not an animal, have rights and that people, the way we are, do not have to live in the shadows of others. I decided to give this person my trust, to give him a chance."     It was the truth. If I had not given this life a chance, I would not have returned to Hogwarts after last full moon. I would not have waited for Remus.          "This person is Dumbledore, isn't he?", Remus guessed, and correctly so. "Dumbledore is also the reason why I am here", he explained. "At the beginning I also did not believe that I, as a "monster", could attend Hogwarts, yet here I am. I also have friends and every day I ask myself how I deserved that they do so much for me. What I want to say is that you will also settle in at Hogwarts. I do not know your story, but I know how it feels to have to carry this burden. You can always talk to me, Phil. I may not be able to help you with everything, yet I can listen to you and understand your suffering. I can also help you with studying, if you want to sit at my place? I am also alone in the library."     After these words I did not know how to react; I did not understand why so many were nice to me.

"Why shouldn't they be?", the voice asked, "Is your character defined only by your being a werewolf, Phil? You are much more than that."

     After a short silence, I raised my voice: "Your words are kind", I looked at him, "generally you are more normal than your friends, so yes, I will study with you. Why are you alone?"          When I mentioned the other boys, Remus looked at me apologetically and he said: "Yes, because of the day before yesterday, Sirius behaved like an idiot. I have to apologise because of him, also for James. They were pushy."     He moved towards his study place. I followed and thought about his words. Yes, the girls had partly been right about the Marauders, yet Remus was alright. However, I could imagine that he was no innocent lamb and not part of the Marauders without reason. Therefore, I kept the girls' words in mind, although I could not prevent that I found Remus nice.     I followed him to a table where a few books and written-on parchment lay. Remus indicated to me that I should choose a chair. I chose the one opposite his. I placed the book about healing plants on the table and my new satchel as well, then Remus answered my second question: "I am often alone in the library and study. My friends think less of studying, but to each their own."     I sat down on the chair, took writing utensils, like parchment, out of my bag, consequently I opened the book and Remus always explained something to me whenever I did not understand something. Thus the afternoon passed in the library, yet I did not know how I should feel because of this event.

Lily's POV:

     "Ugh, leave me alone!", Alice snapped at Dorcas, yet she only laughed.          "What, are you offended because I mentioned that Longbottom?", Dorcas continued to needle, "the Hufflepuff who has Potions with us every Wednesday and whom dear Alice fancys?"     "You started it!", came the reply, "you wanted to play that stupid game where everyone says whom they find attractive, today in History of Magic!"          "Yes, because History is boring", Dorcas replied carefree. "No one could have known that you find a Hufflepuff pretty, with whom you recently did a partner assignment."     "You are stupid!"          "Why? Because I speak the truth?"     "I only said that I find him pretty and not that I have a crush on him!!!"          "That reaction is exaggerated for simply finding someone pretty, isn't it? OUCH!"     "Stop it! Why are you hitting each other!", Mare interfered and I rolled my eyes. We were just on the way to the library to pick Phil up for dinner, and Alice and Dorcas were, well, they simply existed.     "Do you have to let it escalate like this?", I asked and stopped in the corridor. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, raised my right eyebrow, "then Alice just finds that Longbottom cute, let's leave it at that, okay?"     Both nodded, afterwards I turned around and walked the way to the library, whereby I had to grin slightly. It was amusing, because since the fourth year the first witches and wizards had begun to show interest in other people, and Alice was the first of us.           Yet even Mare and Dorcas spoke more often about boys lately.     It did not interest me. I did not have to talk about any boys who would soon be controlled by their hormones.      In my opinion, one could simply be normal friends with each other, just as I had a friendship with Sev and did not interpret something into it just because of that, as Dorcas had done with Alice.

But well, the hormones of young adults are a thing of their own. Sometimes I feel sorry for the professors, because they have to live in this madhouse.

     I did not think further about this topic, because as already mentioned: It did not interest me. I did not want to think about who I liked and who not; I was of the opinion that the future was already written. Yes, maybe it was cheesy, yet I believed in true love and would save my first kiss for that person. For me there was destiny, and with this thought we reached the library in the next moment.     We entered together. The conversation of the others fell silent. The school librarian Madame Stuart examined us intensely, yet she did that with everyone who entered her library. I wondered that she could still walk at all, because the woman was old and seemed like a walking monument.     I paid no further attention to the Hogwarts librarian. Quietly we walked through the rows. Phil often sat at the very back in the library and exactly there I wanted to go. Yes, I wanted to, because as I wanted to walk past a shelf, I was pulled back by my cloak.          "What?", I hissed.     My gaze found Dorcas, who placed her index finger on her lips. She released my cloak and also indicated to the others to follow her. I was about to ask her what she wanted when she led us into another shelf row and peeked into the aisle between them.      Phil did not sit at a study place at the very back as usual, but exactly in front of us. Actually, this sight in itself would not have been strange, if not a certain Remus Lupin would be sitting with her.

Aha.

     "What is Lupin doing with Phil?", Mare wondered, peeked at the two, following that we hid again behind the shelf.          "As it looks, they are studying and talking", Alice said.     "And why? Why have the glorious Marauders been so annoying lately? Right, they have been so annoying since Phil has been here", Dorcas concluded. I could only agree with her.          "They are simply stupid, but Remus is alright anyway", Alice replied.     "Yes, they are stupid, still I find it strange that they stare at Phil like that. And Lupin is still part of that cute group of idiots. I wouldn't give him a halo." Mare looked at us sternly.          "Remus is okay", I joined in, "but yes, I also find it odd that they find Phil interesting. However, I do not think that it has anything to do with her family name. Black made it clear that he does not care about those, and unfortunately I give him my trust there. I also think that not all of them have an interest in Phil, but only Remus, even if it is a strange interest."     "The innocent Remus?", Mare asked immediately, "Sure, he is a Marauder and not innocent in their pranks. Still, you yourself say, Lily, that he is alright, and you have studied with him a few times already. Maybe the boys are simply stupid, and Remus is only nice and helps Phil with her tasks?"     "You are probably right", Dorcas said.          "Yes, we interpret too much into it", I replied, "let's get Phil."     After these words I stepped out of our hiding place and the others followed.      I walked towards the long table. The two sat at its end. Remus seemed to be explaining something to Phil and made hand gestures while doing so. Yes, Mare was probably right and Remus was truly only nice.           I almost felt bad that I had doubted Remus.     In the next moment we reached the two. Remus noticed us first and stopped speaking. Then Phil also became aware of us.     "Hey", I greeted the two, looked Phil into her blue eyes, "We want to pick you up for dinner."          She nodded and packed her things together. She wanted to put a book away, yet Remus waved it off.     "I'll put it back for you", he said. Phil nodded.          "Thanks...", she replied hesitantly, "and also for the help."     Remus smiled, consequently Phil followed us and together we went to the Great Hall.           I still found the behaviour of the boys strange, yet I could do nothing more than observe it.