Chapter 107

Katniss

"When the sky turns gray and everything is screaming, I will reach inside just to find my heart is beating." -Imagine Dragons

Days after Willow's return turn to weeks. The weeks turn to a month. I'm growing more and more pregnant by the minute. Willow's become quite entertained by how huge my stomach has gotten, telling her father that I've been eating too much food and I'm getting fat. After he gently tells her off for being rude, he laughs.

I know his laugh is fake, though, because when he speaks with me alone, he sounds worried.

"You're so much smaller than last time," Peeta says to me as I undress and dress again before bed."What are you talking about? Peeta, I'm huge," I say, taking my shirt off.

"Not like you were last time. Last time you at least gained some weight in places other than your stomach. Look at yourself, Katniss," he says, pointing to the mirror.

I turn and do so. My frame is still small and I look stick-thin except for my very pregnant stomach. "I don't see a problem with it," I tell him, happy that I haven't gained weight."There's not a problem, I just worry about you," Peeta says."You don't need to, Peeta," I say. "This time around was different, okay? No two are the same."

"I guess," Peeta says. "Stop worrying about me. In a month and a half, you're going to be a father all over again, okay? Nothing any worse than what's already happened can happen. And you know I don't take risks by saying that," I tell him.

"You're just so thin, Katniss. I've never seen anything like it. Some people gain 20 pounds at least when they're carrying," he says."Peeta, I'm telling you, it's fine," I say, crawling into bed with him.

"I know, I just... I just worry sometimes," he says, sighing."Sometimes?" I ask.He laughs."You could say the same for yourself, though, couldn't you?" He asks."I'm a mother. It's my job to worry," I defend.

He wraps his arm around me as we spoon. His hand finds a home right on my stomach, where the baby is."He's going to be the most loved little boy in all of Panem," Peeta says.

--

The next morning, we decide it's warm enough to go swim in the lake. It's rare for April to be this warm, so we take advantage of it. Willow's never gone swimming before, so it'll take both Peeta and I to get her into the water.

Annie and Finn meet us outside of our neighboring houses. Willow's little blue swimsuit matches Finn's swimming shorts, something we may have planned on purpose. I'm cold and calculating and don't take much joy in anything other than family, but I think it's adorable.

Because Willow's so young, she was able to bounce back from what happened to her quickly. I never know if it's eating at her inside, but outwardly... I think she's feeling a lot better. It's not hard to get her to go back into the woods. It's a bit of a different story for me.

Of course, Annie knows exactly what happened to me that day. I told her everything before I told anything to Peeta. Really, Peeta doesn't know very much. He only knows how I found them, and how I got rid of them. Annie knows all of that and more. So when I have to stop before going into the woods to find the lake, Annie stays with me while Peeta takes Willow and Finn.

"I'm sorry," I sigh, turning to Annie. I wipe my shaking, sweaty hands on the skirt of the dress I'm wearing. "I just haven't been back in the woods yet."

The woods: just another thing snow has ruined for me.

"It's alright, Katniss," she says quietly. Annie's regained a lot of her sanity back, probably thanks to Finn being around. He made her stay same for him, whether or not he knew about how she used to be. "I don't know if I can do this," I tell her."You can. Just think about watching Willow swim for the first time. You're her mother. You can't miss it," Annie says, touching my arm.

"What if there's more of them in there? I can't fight them off again. My shoulder's still too painful, I'm way too big now. I wouldn't be able to do it," I tell her."You think Peeta will let anyone hurt you? Or Willow? Or even Finn?" She says. "Plus, while I'm not very strong anymore, I can pitch in a bit. I did win a Hunger Games too, Katniss."

"I don't want you or Peeta to do that for me," I turn to her. "I won't let you do that." "It's not going to happen anyway, Katniss. They're not here anymore. You can't let them make you miss out on such a beautiful thing," Annie says.

I stand, silent."Finnick wouldn't want you to miss seeing your daughter swim for the first time. You know how he loved swimming," she says. "Fine," I tell her, trying to ward away thoughts of Finnick. "Let's just go,"

So we do, and I quickly realize that there are no men here. The woods is peaceful, safe, and natural, the way it always was. There is nobody here who wants to hurt me. There is only me, and those who love me. And for that, I am grateful.

--

"Come on, Willow! You can do it," Peeta smiles at her from the water."I don't want to," she says, scared. I stand next to her, holding her hand as tears fill her eyes. "Mommy, tell daddy I don't want to swim. I'm scared," she says."You have to do it, Willow. See how much fun Finn is having?" I say, pointing to Finn. He swims in the water near where his mother wades.

"I'm scared, Mommy," she says. A tear spills out of her eyes and drips down her cheek. I crouch down to her height.

"Hey, hey. It's okay, Will. There's no need to cry," I tell her. "Swimming isn't scary, sweetheart. It's incredible. I know you're going to love it, you just have to take the first step." "I can't do it, Mommy," she says, refusing to even look at the water."Yes you can, Will. Daddy's right there, I'll be right next to you. You just have to try, baby. You just have to try it," I say.

"No," she refuses once more. She lets go of my hand and starts to walk away from the lake. I motion to Peeta, telling him to wait there and that I'll be back in a moment.

Willow's small and not a very fast mover, so I'm able to snatch her up quickly. She lets out a little yelp, but she knows it's me.

I carry her in my arms towards the lake again. She begs me not to make her swim, so once we get to the edge of the lake. I sit her down on my lap instead.

"I'm going to tell you a little story, okay?" I say to her.She looks up at me and nods, her eyes tinged pink from crying."You can't tell Daddy that I said this, but he used to be afraid of swimming, too. Just like you are," I tell her."He was?" She asks.

"Maybe even more than you are. He was very, very scared. But he knew that if he didn't swim, he wouldn't be able to join in with all of us," I tell her, changing the truth a bit, but not really lying.

Peeta only swam because his life depended on it in the Arena. He did what he had to do.

"So I think that if your Daddy can swim, you can too. It's just a little fear, Willow. Don't you want to play with Finn out there?" I ask her.She nods a little."Good. I was hoping you'd say that. So do you want to give it a try?" I ask.She reluctantly agrees to try, and so I lead her over to the waterline.

"Come on," I say, grabbing both of her hands and leading her into the water. She holds on tightly to both of my hands. Peeta makes his way over quickly and takes one of her hands from mine.

"It's not so bad after all, is it?" He asks her as she wades in to her chest, which isn't very far for Peeta and I."I guess not," she says, running her hands through the water."Soon, you'll be able to swim the way Finn does," Peeta says. "But first you just needed to get into the water. I'm so proud of you, Willow."

Willow looks happy."Willow, did you know that this is where your grandpa taught Mommy to swim?" Peeta asks her.Willow shakes her head."I wasn't very good when I started swimming. But with my daddy's help, I got pretty good at it. We used to come here all the time," I tell her.

"Where is grandpa? Do you still swim with him?" Willow asks.At this question, I'm transported back in time to when I had just been rescued. I was put to sleep for surgery on my leg, and had a dream of sorts in which I went boating with my father through the vast ocean. When I snap out of it a moment or two later, I feel a gnawing in my chest of how much I miss him. If only he could meet Willow. If only he could have walked me down the aisle or been there when I made the announcement that I was expecting another baby. If only he could be here to hold baby Rye when he's born in a month. If only.

"Grandpa's not here anymore. He's up in the sky, Willow," I tell her, my voiced tinged with sadness."Oh," is all she says.

--

Later, when Willow is napping next to us and Finn and Annie play in the lake together, Peeta and I sit on the blanket together.

Sunset is approaching soon. Peeta grasps my hand as we watch the world around us. He looks happy, he looks content with life, and I'm about to ruin it.

"Listen, there's something I've been needing to tell you," I say, breaking our peaceful silence."What do you mean?" He asks, looking over at me."I... I haven't been completely honest with you about something lately. I need to tell you now, or else it's just going to keep killing me inside. I need to talk about it with you..." I say quietly.

"Is everything alright?" He asks."I don't know. I really don't know, Peeta," I say, my heart sinking.

"What is it?" He asks, his grip tightening on my hand. "You can tell me, Katniss. You can tell me anything. You know that."

"It's just, what happened when I got Willow back. I never told you what they did to me," I say, starting to get my panicked thoughts into coherent sentences."You did tell me, Katniss. They attacked you. I know you got stabbed. I stitched it up myself," he says.

I feel sick to my stomach. Flashes of his hands on my body, touching me in ways that only Peeta should ever be able to... the words he said to me. It would be a shame to see such a beautiful body and face go to waste...

Tears flood my eyes and I can't look at Peeta. I'm disgusting. I'm dirty and unclean from his touch. I'm just disgusting, unworthy of anyone's love.

"Katniss, tell me," he says gently."What they did to me..." I say, trying to hold back the tears threatening to pour out of my eyes."They touched me," I choke out, my face turning bright red and sweating.

"They what?" Peeta says. "They touched me, Peeta. They surrounded me and that man... He cut away my shirt and tried to touch my stomach. I screamed at him and so he went even lower than that. They   tried to touch me," I cry. "I am so disgusting. I'm so horrible. They made me dirty. I am disgusting, Peeta."

Peeta shuts his eyes and tries to breathe. I cry quietly next to him. He tries to help me move closer to him. He places his arm around me and pulls me into his body."Katniss, why didn't you tell me?" He asks."I didn't want you to hate me. You're never going to look at me the same way ever again. I thought you would never want to be with me ever again," I cry into his shoulder.

"That could never happen, Katniss. What they did was horrible and it was disgusting on their part. You did nothing to deserve that. I can't imagine that feeling, Katniss. I can't imagine how you feel. But I could never stop loving you. I never want to lose you. I never want to stop feeling your touch on my skin, your lips on mine. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing," he says.

"I love you," I cry into his shoulder. "I really fucking love you." "I love you too," he says. "But make sure you don't use that word around Willow."

My tears turn to a bit of laughter at his comment about my language. "I'm sorry," I tell him. "For using that word and for not telling you before this. I was just too scared."

"It's okay, Katniss. It's always okay," he says softly into my ear.