Chapter 103

Peeta

"I'll taste the devil's tears. Drink from his soul, but I'll never give up you." -Angus and Julia Stone

"Ready to go home?" I ask Katniss.She lies in bed with me, practically on top of my body. She's always slept close to me, but now, since she's so distraught, she lies even closer. I take her silence as a yes.

"Soon we can go home, then it'll be spring in a few weeks and you can start hunting again," I start talking aimlessly, just saying whatever comes to mind that could comfort her."All that matters is that you don't ever have to come back here if you don't want to. You can go home and maybe, you know, when the baby's born, we could go to 4. We could go see the beach or something," I say.

"How do you feel?" I ask quietly after being silent for a few moments. "I'm alright," Katniss says softly. "I just like hearing you talk to me. I don't want to ruin by talking back." I take a stray bit of her brown hair and twirl it around my fingers absentmindedly.

"What time is it?" She asks, her head resting on my chest."It's 6:45," I reply. "We can stay in bed until 8 before we have to start packing up." "Good," she says.

We lie there for what seems like an eternity. In a good way."I remember lying like this with you before our second Games," she states. I try to figure out if she meant anything more than just relaying a memory to me. I decide she doesn't."I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever," I say, repeating the words I said to her that day.

"That's what you said to me the day before our games. Real, right?" She asks me, lifting her head to look at me sleepily."Real," I reply. "You look beautiful, by the way.""Oh, shut up," she says.

"I love you," I remind her.She grunts in reply, lying back down and deciding to go back to sleep.

I feel and listen as her body goes limp and her breaths even out. She's out like a light within minutes of closing her eyes. I think back to the nights where she never slept at all and used to lie awake in order to avoid the inevitable nightmares. My wife has come so far. She always talks about the baby being a miracle, but she's the real miracle to me.

Having gone through 2 Hunger Games, torture from the Capitol, rigorous therapy and side effects in 13, multiple suicide attempts and relapses, an unplanned pregnancy and seizures and other long term effects of her previous life... It's a miracle she made it out alive. Anyone else would have been dead their first Games. But not Katniss.

There's just something about her. Maybe it's how she was forced to be strong and provide for her family when she was just 11 years old. Maybe it always stuck with her. Maybe all of that never left her. Some people might call it luck that got her through. They could say that she was lucky I was with her or that whatever it was had impeccable timing or was a fortunate coincidence, but I of all people know it wasn't luck.

Katniss pushed through it herself, and it will always be herself that she'll have to thank for it at the end of the day.

--

Katniss, Willow, and I are escorted to the train station by Effie later that morning. Cameras flash on all sides of us and I can't help but wonder what it would be like to live in the Capitol with all of our fame. I'm surprised people haven't gotten tired of us yet.

"Katniss! Katniss! What's the baby's name going to be?" "Peeta, how has the baby changed your relationship?" People holding cameras ask bizarre questions over and over.

"A source says that you two are on the rocks! Is it because of the baby?" Someone asks Katniss. I'm expecting her to move on, but she doesn't.

I guess she's reached her wit's end. Instead of continuing to walk to the car, she whips around to the man who asked the question."I don't know what 'source' you heard that from, but I'd appreciate if you could all go get yourselves a job that doesn't require prying your fingers into other people's lives where they don't belong. We're fine," she burts.

"Wow, sweetheart, those are some pregnancy hormones," the man replies."Go to Hell! I'm no one's sweetheart," Katniss says before turning away and catching up with Effie and I.

Once we say goodbye to Effie and situate ourselves on the train, I can tell Katniss is still angry.

"What?" I ask her.Katniss turns to Willow."Will, can you close your ears for a minute until mommy says you can listen again?" She asks.Willow nods and covers her ears.

"I'm so sick of their bullshit. They don't have the right to come prying their grubby little fingers into our personal lives. And then... And then they have the audacity to equate my anger over something they did to hormones? Who the hell can do that?" She says suddenly.I just nod and decide to let her blow off steam.

"I just don't understand how, as a woman, my anger and emotions are always equated to some hormone! It's not fair! What he did was wrong, and of course I was mad! I had a right to be mad, didn't I? But oh, that's right! I'm pregnant, which means that me getting angry over a real issue or bullshit comment that someone made about my life is just my hormones talking!"

"I know. It's not fair and it's sexist," I reply."Ugh. I just can't believe the nerve of some people," Katniss says. She touches Willow's hands, which are still covering her ears. "You can listen now."

"Are you okay, mommy?" Willow asks sweetly."Yeah, baby. I'm all good," Katniss reassures her."Are you sure?" Willow asks."I'm sure. Now, come sit with mommy," she tells her.She obeys and slides over next to her. Katniss hoists her up onto her legs and Willow laughs.

She wraps her in her arms and I can only imagine how happy she feels to have her little girl right there with her.

--

Katniss

In a few minutes, Willow ends up moving over to Peeta's lap. Sitting together, they fall asleep. I sit and watch them for a while. Soon, I get the urge that I have to go to the bathroom. With a baby pressing on my bladder all the time, who could blame me?

I get up quietly so as to not rouse my sleeping family.After I'm finished, I debate sitting back down and watching them for a while longer, but instead I decide to explore. There's no Effie or Haymitch on the train, so it's really just us. I don't know why they didn't send us on a ordinary train back home, but they sent us privately. Probably to avoid any Capitol pandemonium or people boarding the train just to watch us.

The only sounds are my stocking-feet padding across the floors and the steady whir of the train. I search every nook and cranny for something more interesting than Capitol Magazines. Eventually, when I crawl into a coat closet to search through the stuff inside, I come across a piece of paper.

It's old, dated almost 11 years ago, but I unfold the little piece. It's a newspaper clipping from the War. It must have fallen out of the fur coats they keep in the closet as decoration. I unfold it, and coincidentally, it has a photo of Peeta and I. There aren't many photos of us together from when we were teenagers, so I decide I'll keep it. It looks like it's from after our first games, when Caesar interviewed us. Peeta and I stare at each other, and although I wasn't yet, I looked utterly in love with him.

I read the headline.The Star-Crossed Lovers Fighting Hand in Hand Again?I sigh at the title and start reading what parts of the article that weren't torn off.

Katniss Everdeen, 17, was recaptured by the rebel militants this past month. Despite being treated as well as war-time procedure permits, the Rebels in District 13 make the claim that she was tortured in horrendous ways. President Snow has denied all claims of this, stating that he made sure Everdeen was in safe conditions as long as she was in his possession. Now that she's back with her longtime boyfriend, Peeta Mellark, also 17, it is unknown what their status is. District 13 Leadership has released the following statement: "Miss Everdeen has endured quite a bit in the past couple of months. She is currently recovering from her time in the hands of the Capitol. She has got a long road ahead of her, but we haven't the slightest doubt that she'll get through it and will be fighting with us."

That's where it cuts off. I shudder at the statement. It sounds good, sure, but it's a memory I wish I didn't have. Those grey, metallic hospital walls and the limited access to medications I needed... No thank you.

The coat closet is warm and dark, so I shut the door hoping to get some sleep. I take some coats off their hangers and make a cocoon of them around myself. The warmth and softness helps my brain calm down and soon enough, sleep draws me out.

--

Peeta

I wake from my sleep with Willow still on my lap. Katniss is nowhere to be seen. The train sounds way too quiet. Something feels ominous. I gently lift Willow off of my lap and set her in the seat next to me. Thankfully, she doesn't wake.

I get up and walk around the train car. No sight of Katniss.

"Peeta was the one who was supposed to live!" I hear someone scream. The someone, of course, is my wife."You promised me!" She screams.

She sounds distant, maybe 5 cars down from me. I grab an attendant to make sure that if Willow wakes, she knows that her mommy and daddy just went to another car and she won't be alone. As soon as the attendant agrees to watch Willow, I thank her before breaking out into a run. The automatic sliding doors don't open fast enough, so I hurl them open on my own.

"You promised me that you'd save him first! You promised it was... You... Him over me!" It's louder now, much louder, so I know I'm in the same car as her. But I don't see her anywhere. There's no trace of her.

"You son of a bitch!" She screams. I'm so close, I can hear her gasping for air. I start to get even more frantic. I move around furniture quickly, searching for her. I'm starting to push a couch away from the wall of the train car when I see the coat closet. I abandon the couch and hurl open the door.

There she is, buried in a mountain of fur coats she used as blankets. Their hangers fell all over them. Only the top of her head peeks out of the brown coats. Her face is buried under the thick fabric, which explains the gasping. For a second, I'm frozen by the image. I can't move my body.

"You let this happen!" She screams. The sound of her shrieks send me into action again. "Peeta was supposed to live," she spits in her sleep.

My knees hit the floor as I kneel down to help her. I shut the door so nobody comes across us like this. Immediately, I rip the coats off of her body and a wave of her body heat that was trapped under them hits me. She still doesn't wake. She's nearly impossible to wake up when she's having a nightmare. The only thing I can think to do is pull her from where she lies. Her body is hot and sweaty and I'm mindful of her growing stomach.

I pull her onto my knees. She lies on her back and I lift her upper body up a bit with my arm so she's not laying down.The sudden movements wake her up. Her eyes fly open and upon seeing my face looking down at hers, she lets out a groan.

"Did I... Did I wake you?" She asks me. "Katniss, it's not night. I was awake," I reply quietly. Her voice is loud and panicked."Where am I? How did I get here?" Her breaths become rapid and I can practically feel her heartbeat."We're still on the train, Katniss. Shh. Just breathe," I tell her.

"I can't breathe," she says, gulping in breath after breath at an alarming rate."Just focus on the sound of my voice, Katniss. Breathe and focus on me, not on you," I say.Her eyes are red and her cheeks look flushed. I stare at her face as she looks into mine. I assume she's doing what her doctors used to instruct her to do so she'd calm down. She looks at eye, usually hers or mine, and thinks about each little detail.

After a few minutes, she's mostly recovered.She sits up on her own, but wraps her arms around my neck. She's sitting in my lap, her legs going one way and mine the other so we're facing each other.

"What was it?" I ask her quietly."You were... It was you. Not me," She says, her voice barely above a whisper."Katniss...""I just... I just don't ever want to think about that. I... I love you too much and someday, you know, when I'm gone--" "Stop," I say, cutting her off. "You're not dying. Nobody said you were dying, Katniss."

"I know, but so much bad stuff has been happening I just don't want you to turn out like how my mother did," she says quietly. She looks in my eyes for what seems like eternity and I feel like I'm swimming in the hurt in hers. "I would never do that," I tell her. "Katniss, I don't want to talk about this."

"Promise me," she says."Promise you what?" "Promise me you won't off yourself or just go blank when I die," she says."If you die," I correct her."When I die," she corrects me.

Suddenly, she presses her forehead to mine and her face is so close to mine, I can feel her breathing.

"Okay, Katniss. When you die, that's going to hurt like hell. I will literally never be the same. Everything I lack, you are. You are beauty and grace and resilience, and losing you... It's going to be like someone ripped my heart out. You are my everything. I love everything about you. But I will never turn out like your mother did. I know how much that changed you, and I never want Willow or even Rye, when he comes along, to live like that. I'll cherish them, because they came from you. They came from us," I tell her.

"I love you. God, I love you. Peeta, please don't give up on me. Please don't. Just always hold onto me and don't let me slip out of your reach. I don't want to have to find my way back again. I don't want to go through it," Katniss says. I can almost taste her breath.

"I'll never give up on you. You came so far, Katniss. That's something you owe to yourself. I'm always going to be here with you, by your side, pushing you to do better. Every day. I want you to be better every day, and what we're talking about now isn't doing that," I say. "So can we stop now?" "You know what Haymitch told me? When we made the deal to keep you alive in the Quarter Quell?" She says.

"What?""That I could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve you. I knew it then, and I know it now," she says. She pulls back and looks into my eyes again.

It's quiet and private and a bit dark and cramped with the door shut, and Katniss and I are just...so...in love. So when she presses her lips to mine suddenly, I make sure that she feels mine too. It's a while before either of us comes up for air. It's uncommon for us to go for this long, but neither of us wants to stop.

In a few minutes, I help Katniss stand  up and we leave behind the blankets and what happened in the past hour.

Slowly, we walk to the train car where I left Willow with the attendant.

Except, when we get there... She's gone.

***hey guys!I feel like a horrible person and like I haven't been updating much, but !!! I couldn't decide where to take this story. But most of you requested my plot twist... So that's what I'm going to be doing. I hope you enjoyed all the Everlark because even writing that made me SO emo.

Anyway, tomorrow is my 15th birthday, so that's fun!! :) Enjoy, and let me know what you think!-Aly***